First time on this site, and it's a miracle I found it tonight. I'm a 20 year old girl at an ivy league school and I've abused Adderall everyday for the past 8 months. My tolerance is so high now, I'm taking somewhere around 60-80 mg a day and have topped probably around 120 mg in one day when studying for finals (no ADHD, but have prescription). I have made so many excuses to continue using: Oh, i'll stop after THIS exam... or ill stop after I lose five pounds... or i'll stop after I get a job ... My mind and body are sick of this.
To give a little background, I'm the epitome of a type A individual. Not only do I feel I need to achieve super high grades, I need to be at the top of my social circle, get a great job, and in generally appear like I'm absolutely crushing it in life. But am I? Does sneaking around and stealing Adderall from your best friends sound impressive? How about not sleeping til 6 AM and having giant black bags under your eyes for days? Or the eye-lid twitches, thinning hair, compulsive eating late at night, and restless leg syndrome that frequently visits me?
I'm sick of the lying, hiding, and stealing, sick of the constant shame, sick of the headaches and body aches, sick of the insomnia, sick of NEVER wanting to do fun things with my friends/family. I'm sick of cleaning my room, car, or closet for hours. I'm sick of spending days on end in the library, sick of being consumed by meaningless tasks. I'm sick of Adderall. I yearn for the girl I used to be. On one hand, I obsessively ruminate and find research on potential long term damage I may be doing to my body, but on the other hand, I crave the crazy drive Adderall gives me, and almost automatically reach for another pill. Sometimes right after I put it in my mouth, my brain catches up and thinks -"WHY did you do that!" Then I'm feeling guilty, and self pity, and I'll eventually reach for another. It's almost comical what completely stupid tasks I've done tweaked out, and how much I LOVED it. This is why reading posts like this from other people is so comforting (maybe this is human nature's innate selfishness- how it's reassuring when others are suffering with you)
The other thing? I've actually GAINED weight because I've lost my old healthy eating habits (now I don't eat for a while, then eat half the fridge much later). It's like that part of me that had willpower has been atrophied.
I can rant about its evils, but there is no denying the impacts of Adderall from its mental manipulation. I'm starting a new very competitive job in 1 week exactly that I need to be on top of my game for. And I've lead myself to believe in the last 8 months that my performance is entirely reliant on Adderall. For example, I'll take a pill- then sit there for 10 minutes- wonder why am I not in my groove yet- and pop another... then feel such self-pity/guilt (WHO am I? How are all these people studying and doing well NOT on 100 mg of adderall?!?) I actually achieved the same high GPA way before Adderall ever came into my life, but instead of motivate me, that fact just makes me sad. School is currently out, but 'm terrified of walking into work extremely lethargic and un talkative next week. This is what's keeping me from flushing my pills down the toilet.
So my plan in the next upcoming week is one of COMPLETE abstinence on days I don't need (every day up until my first day of work) and reducing to 20 mg on days that I do "need" until those days don't exist. I've lost so much confidence in myself and my abilities, that it's time for me to take back control of my life, or choose to continue this downward spiral. Reading posts about women with newborn babies taking pills just to play with their kids make me sick; not because of what they do, but because if I don't stop now, I can see myself doing that exact thing in 8-9 years. I'm trying to remind myself that the only true moment we have is the present... the past is the past; it does me no good to sit here and dwell on what "could have" or "should have" been in a life sans Adderall. Simply stated, it is what it is. Life rarely goes as planned, and this is where I am at now. I will be a stronger, happier, healthier person when my body and mind heal. Breaking up with Adderall, the absolute favorite vice of any type A overachieving narcissist, is the best possible thing for me. I feel in my soul this is not how I am supposed to live my life.
If you're interested in joining me, I'm going to post daily updates to hold myself accountable. This is not going to be easy. I'm rewiring old habits that are so engrained in my behaviors- for example: Mom asks me to do laundry? Adderall. Feeling kinda sleepy or hungover? Adderall. Going out with friends? Adderall. Think I'll eat too much at dinner? Adderall. Even tonight as I've been writing this I still have addy in my system...probably why this is like, almost a novel. Sorry if you're bored.
Once and for all, my dear fellow Adderall worshippers, now is the time to end this toxic relationship. We can do this together!!!!! Lets break up with this little pill that has become mentally/physically abusive to us. Saying goodbye to Adderall is saying hello to life... which sounds pretty damn good to me. I'm ready to put down the vacuum, (or pencil, textbook, iron) and become a PERSON, who actually likes fun things and laughs a lot and doesn't talk a mile a minute and freak everyone out. I realize tomorrow, when i'm struggling to stay awake throughout the day, this optimistic pledge won't seem as cheery and ambitious. I'm sure I'll be feeling like a fat lazy slug... but hey this is a necessary phase.