butterfliesandlies

i live in east village. id love to go

The craziest was the night i decided to quit. I had been awake for four days straight and I had to do a presentation at school.. i shut up in the middle of my presentation and left the room because everyone look horrified. that night i had a psychotic breakdown and was screaming and crying and realized i was possessed by adderall and it was trying to live my life for me. I was sure that substances have a consciousness and a motive and wanted to steal my body to live out their own plans because i wasnt living out my own. one time i got a tiny paintbrush to carefully paint the underside of my toilet seat because some paint had scraped off and obviously it needs to be totally white under there where no one looks .. clean is not good enough Once i came home and my roommate who also takes adderall was sweeping the block. the entire sidewalk around the entire block on our street.. there were no leaves or anything. just thought he'd clean the dirt. think i saw him vacuum the lawn once. just once. I used to keep a notebook of "mind-blowing brilliant" ideas that i would come up with while looking at art or music .. really believed they were earth shattering. they entertained me for hours. thought i uncovered the secrets to the universe and time itself

I quit taking adderall about three years ago. I have completely forgotten the way it feels and all of the things it made me do. Without this site i honestly don't know if i would have been able to do it. This site got me through the month of laying in bed. the suggested movies are great.. the articles are so relatable it really gave me the support i was missing. I am thinking back on it today because lately i have been around so many people talking about their prescriptions to adderall and benzos and i see how they can just keep going the way i used to. although it has been three years, I still have not fully recovered emotionally from the side effects that it caused me. My confidence is still not completely recovered. I stopped having adderall cravings a few months after i quit taking it. i was in bed for about a month initially because of the severe depression from the withdrawal. adderall caused my skin to break out, which is now scarring. i am very vain and this is emotionally hard for me to deal with. I did not know who i was anymore after i quit. i felt i wasted so much time making myself fit into what i "should be". but if it is that hard to do something without taking adderall then maybe.. thats not what i should be doing. After i quit adderall my confidence was completely shot. I started drinking often and got myself into a comfortable relationship that i did not truly want but i felt like i needed something. after this i became an alcoholic and got into another relationship that really destroyed me. I no longer have an alcohol problem, but i am noticing i still look for outside things to fill some void that is in me. Instead of focusing on looking in myself and focusing on my career, i work a job that is ok, but i have made no efforts to look for something that i am more passionate about. i have spent all my free time taking care of a significant other or focusing on anything that is not about me so that i dont have to face myself. I know that this has been such a slow recovery for me and i should have gotten past this by now. I hope this is not discouraging for anyone. i will say that i did start feeling more like myself within six months after for sure and i could have run with that and turn everything around so anyone who is struggling with quitting now, there is so much hope that you will have none of these issues. i think i could have been great within 6 months to a year if i had tried. I know its past time to focus on myself and let go of all addictions.. drugs people alcohol .. anything that i use as a distraction from facing myself. I still have not accepted that i did this to myself. it has all been a traumatizing experience for me. I have let people walk all over me due to low self esteem which i never had before. I am ready to look at my life finally i think but i am scared.