lalalie

I'm 22 years old and addicted to adderall. I first tried it in high school, and was in love. I never consistently had it but every time I could buy some off of someone it made me so happy. I've always struggled with depression, anxiety and a lack of motivation. So having a drug like adderall to boost me up, keep me awake, and give me a sense of confidence i'd never experienced before was heaven to me. My adderall obsession was always slightly concerning to me, but I never thought much of it because I figured i would never be able to consistently have enough to get addicted - it was just like a little treat I had from time to time. That is, until I somehow managed to get a prescription. It was November 2015 and I was talking to my new psychiatrist about how awful my anxiety and depression had become. I mentioned how I could never seem to get anything done, and was unable to focus and stay on task at work. He asked me if I had ever heard of adderall or ritalin - I played dumb and said I knew of it but was pretty oblivious to how it worked. He explained what adderall did and what it was for and I still tried to play it cool, and said I wasn't sure how that kind of medicine would work on me but if he thought it would help I would be willing to try. I was in shock but so happy.. my guilty pleasure treat that I rarely was able to have was going to be constantly available to me. I wish I could go back to that day and take it all back. My prescription started as 15 mg XR, once a day. The first day I took it I was on cloud 9. I went to work smiling and productive and couldn't believe this was going to be my life now. I didn't eat that day - wasn't hungry because of the drug obviously and was too caught up in my high. That night I went out for drinks with my friends on an empty stomach and still riding on the adderall buzz. I tried to drive home and all of a sudden was way more wasted than I thought. What was supposed to be my happiest first day of life on adderall ended in an OUI. After the OUI I relied more on the adderall than I probably otherwise would have. I was severely depressed and felt like a failure. My tolerance grew and I soon started taking more than my prescribed dose. I kept going to my psychiatrist playing the sweet innocent girl and got my prescription upped to 20 mg XR. Eventually that increased to 20 mg XR a day, plus another 10 mg IR. This has been my life for the past 9 months. I binge on adderall, suffer through two weeks of miserable withdrawal once i prematurely run out of my prescription (unless I can score some through someone else) and then repeat the cycle all over again. I tell myself every weekend I'll take a weekend off but I can't. Sometimes I just take it and lie in bed scrolling through the internet feeling like I'm about to jump out of my skin and get nothing done. But I can't even get out of bed without it, but it's not even fun anymore. I'm a tweaked out zombie and people have even commented on how sketchy and over stimulated I look. I take about 60-80 mg a day most days and use sleeping meds and alcohol to fall asleep at night. I forget what it feels like to be happy and determined without this devil drug. I want to throw away my prescription and stop seeing my psychiatrist but as much as I hate it, I'm so scared of live without it after almost a year of using it as a crutch. I'm finally able to at least accept the fact that I'm addicted, but I'm so scared to let go. Without adderall I'm lazy, tired all the time, and have no drive at all. But sadly how I'm feeling now isn't much better. I hope people on this forum can understand and maybe offer some advice, I really want to get help and rid myself of this problem but I can't seem to let go and it's just getting worse and worse.. thanks all for listening to this rant.