Geometric11

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About Geometric11

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  1. Just need to vent

    They are better. This morning was tough, but I took l-tyrosene, 5-HTP and other supplements like fish oil. it seems to have helped. I also spoke with a very supporting teacher/friend who helped me put things into perspective. I was feeling a lot of shame for relapsing after almost 1 year, he helped me to remember that I did it once, I can do it again. Supportive people are the best. Let's see how tomorrow goes. I have to work Hope your day is going well Eric!
  2. Just need to vent

    Thank you for sharing your experience. it helps knowing that this shitty experience is not abnormal and others have gone through it. sometimes I forget that I'm not the only person with certain afflictions. I relate to your experience of feeling like the drug took you over. laying in bed last night, I was praying and working up the mental courage to decide not to take it in the morning. I always do this at bedtime. I become filled with fear and an urgency to stop taking it. I lasted until noon. I've been crying on and off all day and I'm feeling a bit hopeless. When I quit last August, it was ayahuasca that pushed me to quit. Before, I never had the ability to go longer than a few days. I was always so afraid of the withdrawal phase, the emotional purge, the inability to function, the dullness. I did several ayahuasca ceremonies last fall/winter and it helped tremendously. But ayahuasca also brings up lots of other buried issues that need to be worked out. without proper support, daily integration and a healthy lifestyle - it is easy to fall back into old patterns. I started getting back into music I had put down years ago. I felt so good that I began hanging out with old friend groups, going to shows and continued seeing a man that was bad for me. I fell out of the ayahuasca and natural healing sphere and began binge drinking on the weekends, smoking weed and cigarettes. my health declined, I felt very close to quitting my job because my adhd symptoms were out of control due to the super unhealthy lifestyle. That, coupled with my kid coming home from a two month summer visit with family pushed me into thinking adderall would be helpful. I also lied to myself thinking "I will take breaks." "I wont take it everyday." ha!
  3. Day 14.

    Thank you for sharing your story. stay the course. Unfortunately, I relapsed a month ago after almost 1 year clean. I began drinking ALOT over spring and summer and was seeing a man who was not right for me. in hindsight, I see that my drinking and toxic "situation-ship" reduced my ability to feel good and stay the course. I know I will quit again, it would just be so much easier if I had stuck with my last quit. Keep the posts up! they help me see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
  4. Just need to vent

    hi everyone - I relapsed a month ago after almost 1 year off of this medication. Why? I don't know. I have a million justifications in my mind but at this point, it doesn't really matter. I already feel hogtied - I'm scared. If anyone has some hopeful experiences to share - that would be helpful. Just hearing that others have gone through this, relapsed, 1, 2 even 3 times and somehow stopped again, that would be great. I often wonder why I feel like life is so difficult to get through emotionally, when I know so many people who seem to breeze through it. thank you.
  5. Hi Everyone - So, I initially quit adderall on July 15th, only to go back for a short four day stint from August 28th thru September 1st. Worst 4 days of my life!! I discarded my adderall and have been without it since. The problem...I never cut my doctor off. I never told him I have a problem and never asked him to stop prescribing to me. The option is there and and on my worst days, I contemplate getting a refill. I'm a little scared to call the doctor's office and oust myself. I guess I am embarrassed. I know this has to happen though. Does anyone have experience doing this? What do I say?
  6. Hi Everyone - So, I initially quit adderall on July 15th, only to go back for a short four day stint from August 28th thru September 1st. Worst 4 days of my life!! I discarded my adderall and have been without it since. The problem...I never cut my doctor off. I never told him I have a problem and never asked him to stop prescribing to me. The option is there and and on my worst days, I contemplate getting a refill. I'm a little scared to call the doctor's office and oust myself. I guess I am embarrassed. I know this has to happen though. Does anyone have experience doing this? What do I say?
  7. Difficult Day

    Thank you for the feedback. still clean, but my apartment isn't
  8. Difficult Day

    Ugh...I'm sure others feel this way often. Of course, I'm headed into month two no adderall, so my place is a mess, my clothes are a bit tight, I feel lonely, I'm confused about a relationship that has been hanging on by a thread, and there is no turning back. I know I have to just get through without using. I know the relationship is not working the way I intended it to work, so I have to accept that and work with what I have. I was great yesterday, and the day before. today, not so great. idk, I guess I just want to blow steam off.
  9. Adderall: How I beat the vicious cycle

    Thank you for the encouragement.
  10. Back On Here Again

    Hi Sadderall - I hope you are feeling better. Have you tried L-Tyrosine? It is an amino acid supplement. I take Jarrow Formulas 500 milligram version and they are an effin lifesaver!!! Seriously - You can buy them at Sprouts/Whole Foods/or the natural food store in your area. I sometimes get them off of Amazon - to try that if you can't find them in stores. I take 3 first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. I also take a few more 1 hour after lunch to help me finish up my day. The key is the empty stomach. Hope this helps - hang in there and remember - THIS WILL PASS - THE SHITTIEST TIMES ALWAYS PASS
  11. Disclaimer: please excuse the typos and shitty grammar - I just really don't give a fuck right now Hi All - It has been a month since my last pill. I've been on and off of this site in the last few years. my old screen name was Maisy11, but due to paranoia, I began using a different name. Anyways, here is my story in case anyone finds some useful info. I began taking Adderall regularly on September 28, 2015. I used everyday, no breaks. I noticed the immediate change in my personality and spinning thoughts, but it helped me get shit done. My social life increased substantially at that time too, and the hangover assistance that adderall provided was nice. As the months passed, my dose increased. I was paranoid, unhappy, really fucking paranoid and in a relationship with someone that had no idea I was rammed up on speed. My job performance began nose diving and I was having trouble getting anywhere on time. my perception of time was insanely off and I spent some weekends on my computer with not one thing to show for the time spent. I remember spending six hours trying to figure out who was hacking my computer. I constantly felt like I was being watched and I could not get going in the morning without at least 60 milligrams. I was taking around 220 milligrams a day towards the end. I was in and out of that relationship, each time we would get back together, I would think he was hacking into my phone and fucking with my head. I purchased 3 books about psychopaths, narcissistic personalities in an attempt to pin down why he was making me crazy. It was the adderall making me crazy. I incurred a shit ton of debt during the time I was using and was shopping constantly. I've never been much of a shopper, but I am when I'm on addy. A few grand was spent on botox and facial fillers in an attempt to mask the lines and the sagging facial skin that adderall brought. luckily, that shit went away quickly. I was afraid to quit - all of the horror stories. I was afraid of losing my job, getting fat, becoming lazy, sleeping forever. Those things are all a matter of perspective - now I know that. You have to let the bullshit "ideal self" go. I'm not 100% confident that I will stay off of adderall, but I do know I am clean today. This is why I'm coming back to this forum, I need legitimate support. This is how I tucked a whole month under my belt Reiki. Yes, new age spiritual "mumbo jumbo" - At the end of May, I had just gone through another round of "make-up, break-up" with my boyfriend. the physical, mental, and emotional pain I felt was too much. no amount of adderall would help. I think I popped 300 ml in one day. I knew I needed to quit, but I needed to screw my head back on first. I had heard about Reiki before, but never tried it. I never really felt particularly drawn to it in the past, but I suddenly just felt like it was something that would help. I searched for a practitioner who could see me asap and I did. Luckily, this Reiki master lived literally down the street from me and I passed her home/clinic several times while on my runs. She booked me for the next day. I opted for just a Meet and "Intuitive Reading" instead of reiki. I wanted to meet the person first and get a feel for what Reiki was about. She did the reading and we chatted for a bit. I did not tell her about the addreall yet. I began seeing her for Reiki the next week. The first session was amazing and I felt calm and rested afterwards. I slept really well, but was sick for three days after. It was a weird sick with some dark emotions. I began hanging around her house, and going to her new moon/full moon meditations. I began listening to the teachings she shared from her Chiefs and Reiki masters - I began lowering my dose. I decided to tell her about the medication. I felt that she should know and would be able to help me more effectively. She was beyond understanding and did an intuitive reading on me that night. two of the biggest take aways from the reading were 1) keep meditating and respect my path; and 2) when I quick adderall, it won't be as bad as I'm expecting. I kept going to reiki; participated in Reiki I initiation (which was amazing) and continued to lower my dose. I quick for a good 4 days in June, but ran back when I returned to work. Well, my last attempt to take adderall was met with unusual Resistance from my prescribing doctor. He suddenly refused to write my script until the first of the month, even though I was due. Instead of fighting it, I let it go. Once the first rolled around, I asked his assistant to shred the prescription and cancel my next appt. I still have to request that I be put on the "no adderall" list. Maybe I should do that tomorrow. I think Reiki gave me the love and community I needed. Positive vibes (literally) and attention. It balanced my natural energy centers, which assisted with my hormones. This return of "self" gave me the strength to quit cold turkey and still go to work - though I did exhaust my PTO . This has been hard, but I'm happy. I have a lot of bad days, but they are doable. L-Tyrosene also helps, so does binge watching Broad City. I hope I can stay clean, and get through so that I can help others get off of that medication.