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Everything posted by Yogichris

  1. I'm feeling really depressed today and just need to get it out. I'm going out of town this weekend with my boyfriend and have mentally told myself this will be the last weekend together. I've even mentioned it to him, saying we aren't working, all we do is argue, I feel like I cry at least a couple times a week, and told him I really think it's due to his Adderall useage. Of course, he still thinks I'm overreacting about the pills and I don't think he thinks I'm serious about breaking up. He gets kind of sad saying he doesn't want to think about it....Anyway, since this is our last week before the getaway, he made it sound like he wanted to see me as much as possible, that he'd get up early to get to work and get caught up so he could spend time with me. We're supposed to hang out tonight but he's at work and stressed and I questioned him and how much he had left to get done to be 'caught up' since he's been working late nights a lot just to take one damn day off. He was patient at first then started getting irritated with me. I feel so dumb. Here I am feeling like a dog begging to see him tonight, when it feels like he's squeezing me into his busy schedule. Do you guys still have hope? I'm scared to break up after this weekend when I feel like there's hope in me. It's almost like I start thinking," oh maybe he isn't addicted and he just takes these pills. Maybe he is really just busy at work and I annoy him wanting to see him more and putting this expectation on him. Maybe he'll realize how great I am and how much I love him and get his priorities straight." He'll be great to me for a day or two, then I get all excited, only to get let down when he breaks his word. He's always saying things like we'll get to spend these nights together or do this together, then I plan on it...only to have him cancel because something came up or he is too behind at work. I'm always holding onto this hope and his words. Is he doing this on purpose or is it the Adderall?! I hate that I feel so sad all the time. I thought he'd make an effort this week knowing it's our last times together. Thanks for reading had to get it out as dumb as it all sounds...
  2. The +2 Year Mark =,

    Nice that he has you to visit frank. Keep us posted how you do with the Wellbutrin. Hope it helps some.
  3. The +2 Year Mark =,

    I wasn't going to chime in but had to. If you all recall, I wasn't on adderall, my ex is. Still tough going through the breakup.... I wanted to share, from someone not on adderall and dealing with quitting, relapsing, thoughts of wanting to get back on, etc, I can't imagine what you're all dealing with. I can say, I experience a lot of what you're all sharing....I've struggled with depression for about 5 years now, anxiety, panic attacks (was even put on short term disability). I experience a lack of motivation at work and feel lost, not sure what I'm doing with my life at times, even had thoughts of what's the point of living. My point is, my situation is different than all of yours, my father shot my mother when I was 5, I was in and out of foster care, then adopted, now my adoptive family doesn't talk to me, there's more to the story, but....What I'm trying to share I guess is life is tough and can be tougher for some. I've been on Wellbutrin, for about a year now, and I think it's helped. I don't plan on staying on it for a lengthy amount of time. But Frank, it's definitely not addicting the way pain pills or adderall can be. I've tried adderall to see how it felt, never started using it a lot, but I can see how it's addicting. I've had addiction issues in the past with a substance, but Wellbutrin is definitely not something to worry about getting addicted to (in my opinion). Think of it as a cast. If you break your arm, you need a cast for a bit for the bones to heal. You just need to heal a bit from using adderall and pain meds, so this is like a temporary cast for your brain and health. And to everyone else, sorry for the long message, but depression, lack of motivation, anxiety, it all sucks. Not sure if you find any comfort in my post sharing that I never used adderall like you did but still experience a lot of what you do after quitting. The biggest help has been staying healthy, mind, body, spirit, hanging out with healthy friends, sharing my story, yoga, reading books about health, spirituality, self help, listening to podcasts, and really taking the pressure of yourself to be someone you think you should be. To enjoy the small things, seeing the sun, cooking, appreciating nature, talking to a stranger at the grocery store, enjoying your loved ones...I wish you all the best in your continued journey. Life is up and down and I swear when you feel down everything seems to not go your way. I know I feel that way. But, I guess this is a roller coaster too, this journey we call life. And your journey of quitting. I wish you the best and send my love. Thanks for letting me have a voice on here when sometimes I feel bad chiming in. This community is damn amazing.
  4. One Year

    Congrats on one year down positivethoughts! What a great message in regard to emotions, how you should be feelings things and aware/connected. I don't take adderall but my ex did, and I still visit this forum just to help myself through the breakup. Your post made me smile and it's inspiring to hear everyone's stories and experiences. This forum is an amazing community. Congrats again!!
  5. Eight Months!

    Also make sure the flax seeds are ground, not whole. To gain the good oil nutrients and for the body to absorb, the seeds should be ground. Awesome news on your husband Oswhid!! It sounds like things are turning around for you
  6. Things are turning around :)

    That's amazing news bluemoon! Congrats on one year clean!! Thank you for sharing and so glad to hear you've met someone ego sees your worth keep it going!
  7. SmhJen, dadofthree, bluemoon...everyone...your posts are incredibly helpful and honest. I heard of a new term recently, love addiction, (just read a book on this) and it's completely me. Basically people like me are co-dependent and when in love, can become addicted to that person (and the partner typically has a substance abuse). But we love so deeply we don't want to believe that our partner has an issue, we tend to make excuses for them, believe their words... Reading what you all wrote showed me I'm doing this, and believing his words that he doesn't think he has a problem making me question myself; yet, as you all shared, he's no where near close to admitting anything. I started to blame myself again, that since I questioned his adderall useage too much, I pushed him completely away... I did have hope a light bulb would go off once I left and he read my letter...each text he sent saying how much he missed me, gave me hope he was opening his eyes to his medication and his abuse of it; but he's not putting ANY effort in which says everything. I thought I knew this already (from my past posts) but I'm understanding more and more he has a loooong way to go as you said. The thinking of quitting, the actually doing it, the relapsing, all of it will be years and years...and he's not close to anyone to ask for help through it no matter how much I love him, I can't help him. And I know I need to know he loves me, but is incapable of truly giving to Any relationship whether it's me or someone else. Thanks for helping me through this and for being so real...I wish we could all meet, you seem like such cool people to all the partners out there of someone taking adderall, it really is so tough to understand the depth of what this medication can do. Like dadofthree said, they may not show every sign of abuse, and they may have this side that you fell in love with (times of being present and truly intimate), but continue to read what everyone shares and know the advice from those that finally quit have experienced this first hand. Thank you everyone and I know I'll be in this site for a long time reading your stories.
  8. Hi everyone, Hope you all had a great thanksgiving. I haven't written in awhile but have been reading all posts still. I don't take adderall, my ex did, but it's been almost two months we've been broken up now. He's texted me a handful of times saying he misses me, thinking about me, etc. I always write back since I still love him. I had written him a letter about my concern of his adderall useage and he finally read it a few weeks backs. He texted saying he read it but didn't necessarily agree with a lot of it. Anyway, a couple days ago I caved and texted him asking to see him. When we hung out, it was great to see him as my heart is with him. He just held me, it was just nice. Of course I brought up us and what he's been thinking. He went on to say he misses me but can't make me happy, that I'm too much, that he needs his freedom (to sleep until whenever, to hang with his buddies last minute if they invite him, to not worry about what I might say or think, to work late, to just live his life). He said he's not happy with himself or where he's at right now and needs to find balance (side note, I told him a year ago that maybe we shouldn't be together so he could find balance in his life but he always says I'm good for him and he doesn't want to loose me). I then asked why he texted me saying he misses me then, he said cause he did. But this messes with my head. I brought up the adderall and he again said he doesn't agree he has a problem. I honestly thought after two months, with him saying he's been depressed, saying he misses me, that he read my letter...I thought he'd finally admit that his medication could be a huge part of what went wrong between us but he didn't say this. He just said he needs to start looking for a new job, get himself right, etc. (I do think he's struggling at work. His boss commented that he's been coming in late, but he seems to think this is due to us breaking up and he's depressed, not adderall). I guess I'm now wanting to hear from you if maybe I've blown his adderall use out of proportion and perhaps it's just me or maybe he's someone who is not affected negatively by long term adderall use. He's been taking for at least 5 years maybe more. Since I've known him he's on 20mg instant release 3 pills a day but takes 4 sometimes. But I also don't really know how many he takes. So at least 60-80 mg a day. Is it possible that he could be right about not having a problem and I'm the reason we didn't work out? I guess it's confusing since he's saying he misses me and loves me but then saying I'm too much and he can't make me happy. Why bother contacting someone in the first place . Is this the adderall making him do this and him wanting my attention? But then he won't commit. He wants to be 'free' or is this just a typical guy acting like a guy who still wants to be single? I know not everyone had negative experiences with adderall but I was convinced after reading this site that it's affecting him. How do you really know??
  9. Thanks flow3. You're a fighter to have realized what was going on with you. It's crazy to me how some of you are so affected by adderall that you're on this site trying to quit, while others (like my ex) seem to not be affected, or don't think their adderall has any role in the way they're life is going...I guess it really does show you some people are wired differently or so taken over by their addiction there is no getting out. It just breaks my heart for all those not getting help. You all continue to inspire me in my own life and I don't even take this medication. This site is powerful. Thank you so much and I wish you continued success in your journey to move forward
  10. Bluemoon and Frank B, thanks for your replies. Truly, thank you. I had a moment of questioning myself and doubting if I've incorrectly 'diagnosed' him when maybe he has no issue with his medication. I think the fact that he's still not admitting that his adderall is affecting him, or maybe he really doesn't think so genuinely, made me second guess myself. I can't seem to wrap my head around it all still. I'm having a hard time accepting that he is ok with taking his meds and not looking deeper into it, making me feel crazy. I don't see how he can be in any serious relationship, but of course, if he does get into a committed relationship, I'll question myself even more about his adderall. I truly hoped I could be by his side and work through this with him. And I honestly wonder if some people can live a long life taking high amounts of adderall and be ok. He hasn't had any health issues yet but who knows. And still has his buddies so hasn't lost any other people except me. And yes bluemoon, being a lawyer certainly gives him an added edge of saying the right things and making me question even more. I was embarrassed to post again and seem weak, but I'm glad I did. Many thanks and I'll keep reading and cheering you all on in the meantime. I'm so grateful for this site and community.
  11. Won the lottery

    Frank you had me going for a minute. You never know when you might hit jackpot though by the way, you getting your health back and quitting this drug is like winning the Life jackpot. This video is incredible...so moving, made me cry. It needs to go viral. Thank you for sharing, I sent it to my ex who I'm still so worried about with his adderall
  12. Hearing you say it Doge, since you'be been on the other side as well, helps. Thanks. In a strange way its comforting to hear others who are partners of someone on adderall have felt the same as me. And how it's taking away from him the ability to be present with another person. Thanks for your reply. Hearing more from each of you makes me feel less crazy each day. Very sad still but not so crazy feeling.
  13. Hi Everyone, First off, I found this site about 8 months ago and have read through numerous stories. I commend each of you for sharing, being open and honest, and having the courage to get off this drug (whether successful or not) you are trying. I decided to finally create an account to ask for help/your honest opinions. I feel like I'm going crazy lately. Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years now and it's been a constant up and down rocky ride. Long story short (at least I hope it's short) I had a feeling my bf was on something when we met. It took about 3-4 months until he admitted he's diagnosed with adhd and has been on Adderall after deciding to go back to law school. He's now 36 and when we met had been practicing law for 3 years. He's been on Adderall for about 6 years. I didn't know about the drug but asked how much he took and it started with '1-2' pills. 20mg each instant release. I had a feeling he wasn't being honest and did something bad by going behind his back and counting the pills (I know not good). A lot more were missing but he said he has pills at his office, in his suit pockets, etc and that's probably why the number is off. This past December he finally admitted to me he's prescribed 3 pills daily so 60 mg. at this point, I'd read so much online and it was crazy how much I read mirrored what I experienced with him...irritability, short temper, when he's mad at me and reacts he says terrible things, exhaustion, inability to wake up, works late hours since he can't wake up, vape smoking all the time, drinks with the pill, obsessed with his car, I feel like we rarely spend quality time and he gets mad saying he's busy with work and has other things in his life, we only have sex 1-2 times a week all the other times he's too tired or his stomach hurts, etc...anyway, I shared with him my concern of his long term use and doseage, and even printed out a bunch of articles and peoples stories to read, but he barely glances at them and when he did briefly look it over, said none of it really applied to him. This year, we started couples counseling and I brought up the Adderall (in my opinion this is what's ruining our relationship) but the therapist seemed to think his doseage didn't exceed the maximum amount. I also found out there are days he takes more than 3 pills when work is tough but he claims never more than 4. The agreement was he had to tell me when he took more than 3 pills (the therapist suggested this). The first week it was 3 days and I made a comment that I thought he said it wasn't often he took more than his prescribed amount, which made him mad and of course, now he doesn't share with me how many he's taking. I know he takes them to hang with his friends, to play golf, to do anything. I guess I'm on here wanting an honest opinion. I feel like I've turned crazy and he's made me feel like I'm controlling and nagging by always questioning him (what time he went to work, what time he woke up, etc). I can't help myself since I love him but I feel like I don't always trust him even though I want to. I'm 35 and want a family and to take care of kids you need balance and need to know how to manage your time. I question him because I so badly want him to make an effort to get up and get to work so he can leave at a reasonable hour and spend time with me. But more often than not, it's me wanting more time and him saying he needs a partner who is understanding he is busy at work, etc. he's blown up at me and told me to get the fuck out of his house. Then he'll call the next day to apologize and I go right back (yes I'm working on my codependent issues). I feel like he spends more time obsessing about his car and cleaning and refilling his vape pen than he does with me. There are times though when he is really kind and loving and holds me and gives what I need. I hold onto these times as this is why I love him. He isn't close to his family, only on holidays they see each other, and his buddy's don't know the extent of his pill useage. I'm the only one who sees him regularly and experience the mood swings and lack of motivation to do much. Do you guys think this is Adderall abuse? Or perhaps he's just like this and I blame it on Adderall...he thinks I over analyze and make everything about his pills. He says he would want to be around me more if I stopped being so controlling. I know I'm controlling but also feel like I'm being manipulated and mind fucked. I'm so confused...please help with any opinion if you've experienced this in a romantic relationship. So much for making a long story short. Thanks for reading and best of luck to everyone out there. - yogi Chris
  14. Thanks for your reply Survived. I did finally leave him about 1-2 weeks ago and wrote him a long letter about my concern and even pasted some stories from this site. He hasn't read it yet but hoping one day he does. We did see each other twice already, which I'm sure isn't helping, as then he gets to be on his own and see me randomly which isn't a real commitment but perfect for him. I know I need to stop seeing him completely for it to sink in. Just so hard since I love him so much. But I think for him to see what the pills are doing I should cut off all contact. So much easier said than done. Thank you again for all your advice.
  15. Thanks so much Dadofthree. Ordering the book today. And it is scary what the future holds with pill addiction nowadays. It’s really sad but I think bringing awareness, or at least I’d hope, helps to somewhat start the battle against it for future decades. Sounds like the book will bring some strength during those days I miss him and want to contact him. Thanks again and I’ll keep coming to the forum as well. Wishing you and your girls the best too
  16. Hi Dadofthree, I felt the same after finding this site….it was like I was reading about my partner exactly. Like you, I didn’t know anything about Adderall prior to dating him. I didn’t start investigating more until I noticed odd behaviors on his end….and then the temper and mood swings kicked in, along with the selfishness. A lot of it I didn’t experience right away, but I guess the more you’re around someone, the more it comes out. Hearing you share your dating experience after splitting sheds some light on how much I’ve lost myself. I realize I’m not my same self because of this relationship and the abuse. My personality has changed as well but it’s encouraging to hear you’re doing well and back to your old self. And I couldn’t agree more, a man should not make a woman cry. To think of all the things he can’t stand about me are simply me loving him…wanting to spend time with him, love him, lay with him, etc. It’s mind blowing. You’d think anyone would want love and welcome it. So we did end things this past Sunday and I’m just trying to stay strong and take time for me as all of you suggested. I did wish him well, wrote him a long letter, and shared how much I love him and how concerned I am. I also shared with him I would be here if there is a day he decides to wean off his meds or realize how they’ve changed him as a result. He promised he’d read the letter this week, but I’m not holding my breath, as his word doesn’t hold much to me nowadays. I’m really sad and already miss him, but I know I need to do this…especially after reading this site, sharing, and having you all reply. Thank you for shedding light, insight, and giving me a bit of strength to walk away, I just hope I don’t get weak and go back. I guess I’ll let the healing process begin and only hope he finds this site…I already sent him the link. And Frank is right, he isn’t choosing Adderall over me, he is choosing it over everything. Thanks everyone for your support.
  17. Isn't that the truth. Thanks for your reply Frank.
  18. You're clearly smart Frank and care enough about yourself to have the awareness that you need to take care of your body/health. I spoke with him today on the phone after the argument. Of course I'm the one that called back to make things better. But I did bring up that I think his Adderall is making him moody, angry, selfish, not healthy for his body, etc and that I'm telling him because I love him and want to help him. He basically said no. He wants to stop one day but not anytime soon. Sigh. There's my answer. You know what makes me sick?? My friend told me today he has friends that go to clinics in our city and can get an Adderall script in 15 minutes. $70 for 60 pills. So then their insurance doesn't know since it's a clinic. I'm shocked at how many people I'm finding out take this drug. How the fuc* does this keep happening without the FDA doing something. Its being handed out like candy! And of course, if it's all over, why would anyone think it's that bad for you and try to stop? No wonder he looks at me as controlling, everyone is taking it. Your body is thanking you slowly but surely...keep it up
  19. Typo, sorry Frank. 20 mg each, 3 pills a day, often times 4. So 60-80 mg day. 36 years old. Thanks Doge, definitely need to remove myself. He's just always mad at me. It's almost turning me into a weak person I don't recognize. I'm starting to wonder if I'm the problem at times with what he says about me. I'm sure my neediness and wanting to 'connect' is more than the average but it just hurts the way he talks to me, like verbal abuse. Then I hate the conflict and break down and apologize for whatever and just want to mend things again. The fact that you didn't get into a relationship deserves an applause. At least you recognized you couldn't give to someone if you were binging. I wish you the best of your path to recovery and thank you for sharing.
  20. Thanks dadofthreefinallyfree. It's hard to feel like hope is a good thing when it keeps me holding onto him, but I do hear what you're saying. Perhaps hope is good when you need it keep going. I guess now I'm hoping that I walk away and leave him for good. That's probably the hope I should be focusing on. With your ex and placing healthy limits for yourself and your kids, how long did it take before you reached your limit? I'm two years in to a man I thought I wanted to marry. Despite all the BS I've dealt with, the lies, the lack of respect for me and my time, not prioritizing me, I'm still here after two years. It's embarrassing. I'm starting to blame myself because it's my fault technically for staying around and not leaving. I'm curious how long you dealt with it all before having the courage to leave? And I recall you saying you met another wonderful woman...was it hard to start dating and trust again? I feel so drained from this I'm scared to trust someone else only to be deceived once again. He's at 3 pills a day, 60 mg each but often takes more than 3. Plus is damn vape smoking from morning to night. Mind you, he was behind at work, been working the past few weeks late nights to take a Friday off and have a three day weekend with me. I'm here in this getaway alone. He didn't finish his work and couldn't take the day off. The trip has been planned for a month. Yet he could get hair cut, go to the vape shop, play in his softball game and drink beers. All that comes first. And every trip we've ever taken he's late. It's a joke. And somehow I'm the one that he yelled at tonight for expressing my disappointment. And Doge, thanks for your advice. I honestly wish he would listen since I've tried telling him before but he gets so defensive about his pills and starts yelling at me for bringing it up. I think if I leave, I don't think he's where you guys on this forum are at, which is being open to looking at himself and the reality of what's going on. He honestly thinks I'm crazy, controlling, and obsessed with his meds. And then tells me I never look at myself which is BS.... I'm in therapy and not in denial of my issues. Were you in a relationship that ended because of Adderall? And after you've stopped did you go back to her? What was it that made you finally be like oh shi* this drug is messing my life up?
  21. I agree with Frank. Your continual support and love is the best medicine you can give him. And the universe gave you a sign, I believe in that
  22. I agree with Frank. Your continual support and love is the best medicine you can give him. And the universe gave you a sign, I believe in that
  23. Thank you Cassie, you nailed it on the head. And thanks again Maisy14*. Hope this week has gone well for all of you. Much love to everyone
  24. Thank you Dadof3finallyfree. Great advice….from EVERYONE. It does suck for the person not on Adderall loving the person on it. I never thought of it that way. You sound like a wonderful father who’s been through a lot. I hope your wife will eventually make the decision to quit. And I’d absolutely stay with him if he ever decided to quit. Unfortunately, I have a feeling this may not happen anytime soon. Hearing more from all of you has helped me to fully know what I need to do. As you all said, I can’t make him stop, but I will make sure he knows why I’m leaving and my concern. Oswhid, you hardly sound awkward writing or expressing yourself and I welcome the advice, thank you so much for sharing. (Plus I like weird and awkward so own it ). 18 years is a long time and it sounds like you and your husband are fighting to get back to where things used to be. I know firsthand how anxiety feels and that constant walking on egg shells feeling. It’s not fun and makes you almost feel crazy. I hope you make time for yourself, to give to YOU, so you can continue to be the glue for your family. And as much as you’re financially dependent on him, know that he depends on you emotionally and you take care of him and the kids. It sounds like you have a ton of love for your family and there is no price or salary that could ever replace that. Thanks for chiming in, I’m glad you decided to reply and appreciate your opinion, as again, it’s cemented in my mind what I know to be true. Maisy14* ….My gosh, I’m going to do this, still getting the courage to walk away finally, but will do it. You painted the 2 scenarios perfectly and I have been continuing to play out scenario #1 for far too long now. I can see that I’ve lost myself and his respect for me, only enabling his behaviors as you said. Reading your words made it a reality for me. Thanks for the extra push and putting things into perspective. And congrats on 1 week down, keep it going! I was reading about gaslight, had not heard about it until oswhid mentioned it. Omg, I had no clue there was a definition for it. He has been gaslighting me the entire relationship and I’m shocked at how I fell for it completely. Wow. It’s chipped away at my self-worth. Sorry for the lengthy response, but I want you to each know how grateful I am you replied. I was nervous to post but this forum is amazing and a saving grace. I feel so much support and love from you and for each of you. I look forward to continuing to read your stories and journey to quit. PS obviously my user name says it all…but yoga has helped me with so much in life (depression and anxiety). I highly recommend it as a form of therapy in quitting as well. Happy to help answer any questions related as well
  25. Thanks Bluemoon. I think this is what I needed to hear...from you and Frank. That what I'm experiencing is Adderall abuse and addiction. I thought the same thing, how can a Dr. be ok with a patient taking more than the prescribed amount? He made it sound so believable, I was questioning myself and rationale. Hearing you both say it's abuse and addiction validates what I've been thinking the entire time. Definitely not harsh. You're both real and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Sometimes we want to believe someone's words even though we feel something is off. This was me. And hearing you both say the obvious, it's not going to stop anytime soon, and will be a long dark road if it even does, is something I also needed to hear. Thank you again for your replies and support. I can't imagine how tough it is being in your shoes but I can tell you...it's inspiring to hear your stories and how hard you're fighting to stay away from this drug. Keep fighting and keep sharing. Bringing awareness to everyone is the key to one day ending the abuse that so often comes with this drug. Wishing you the best. Btw, I love this quote...'you don't know strength until strength is the only choice you have left.' You are all full of strength...keep choosing it.