SeanW

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About SeanW

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/16/1993

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Southern U.S.
  • Interests
    Musician, tennis, diet and health

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  1. Just a little update. Im back in Colorado and happy to be here. Just got a job, first day was today. Went well. Next month will be my two years clean but to be honest I’ve had two relapses each for about two weeks but I still consider my clean date to be when I stopped on the verge of death almost two years ago. Stay strong everybody, love you guys.
  2. I don’t remember your useage but the more you binged and used extremely high dosages the more it was neurotic and fried your neurons. If you stayed within a reasonable dosage your system is depleted but not so much damaged. I spent my last year of use taking 80-150 and sometimes up to 200 a day which is severely neurotoxic. I’ll be at two years clean next month and I’ve had a lot of improvement this second year. I can see by the end of year three I believe I’ll be in prettt good shape.
  3. New day, same results.

    Man it’s daunting to think of life being this way till the day I die. People are so quick to call someone a coward for committing suicide like they weren’t strong. They think everyone experiences life and pain the same. The pain we feel and go through could be something those people have no clue about. They can only imagine. I’ll fight till the day I die because I’m not giving up.
  4. Experience smoking meth

    I was in Colorado all January and had to come back home to figure out what to do with my pup cause I didn’t have a yard for him in Colorado so I found a friend to take care of him. I fly back to Colorado Wednesday. I was in way better shape there. Something that has been bothering me for awhile now is when I look in peoples eyes I feel they just see a dead cold lifeless person and I can feel their distaste and how they just brush me off like my words are empty and meaningless like I have no real value to be actually listened to or paid attention too and it makes me feel like shit and terrible about myself.
  5. Experience smoking meth

    Same, I play open mics and just listening to live music can take me out of all this pain
  6. Experience smoking meth

    You’re right frank. My addictive personality is turning me into an alcoholic. I can’t drink anymore.
  7. Experience smoking meth

    Thanks for the replies everybody.. just trying my best to get things going for me and every time I take a few steps forward I ended up messing up and fall back after all the progress I worked hard for. I’m really tired of all the pain and hurt. I feel like such a miserable asshole. It breaks my heart to look into the eyes of family and friends and people and they look at me with disgust and disappointment. That’s the hardest part. My heart breaks every time knowing how I’ve hurt and let them down. It’s like they think I don’t care and I’m just a piece of shit fuck up but I beat myself up all the time over it as they continue to treat me like I I actually want to hurt them like I’m heartless but it couldn’t be any further from the truth. I hurt everyday over mt mistakes and I’m god damn tired of fighting to stay alive for them. If I didn’t have family I’d have no reason to live. But anyways.. here’s to another day trying to crawl out of hell.
  8. Experience smoking meth

    I’ve spent the day today crying.. I’ve betrayed my family, my self, and you guys - all the people who love me. I was out drinking Sunday and some guy offered me coccaine but I had to ride with him to his place. Got there and his buddy has meth out and smoking it. I was drunk so there’s wasn’t much inhibition. I’ve done so much adderall I knew what it was like to be strung out and honestly was slightly curious to compare meth to it because I’ve never smoked it and that’s a huge controversial topic of discussion. So I ripped one. It without a doubt is literally exactly like what it feels like to take a high dose of adderall, comparable to 90-100mg of adderall. I’m not looking for pity. What I did was stupid. I didn’t continue to binge or anything but I was up for the next 12 hours. I just thought for those interested in knowing, it is exactly like adderall. Adderall is meth. Dumbass people are like “adderall has one less functional group, functional groups completely change the behavior of a molecule.” Which is true in a god damn lab but once ingested its structure metabolizes and behaves almost indentical and in my case was identical to meth. I have no desire to do it again but I’ve always had this little voice when it comes to experimenting with psychoactive drugs “give it a try you’ve never done it” so I did ONCE. And never again. I know it comes with a dirty rep because it is dirty fucked up shit I just hope you guys don’t look at me differently for doing this stupid shit. Anyway, y’all have a good one, love you guys.
  9. Try to go for a walk or jog or lift weights. You can do it even if it’s just 30 minutes or an hour a day. That was literally the only thing I did all day for like six months. The other 23 hours I was sleeping, eating or Netflix.
  10. Anatomy of a Relapse

    Yep, I smoke too. Started around the time I had a psychotic break and just kept smoking. It’s been about two years now. The psychotic break is what helped me quit adderall because the psychosis was adderall induced but after a year clean I was still battling paranoi and dillusions so I got medical help and lots of therapy. It’s like the amphetamines either triggered a predisposition for schiz or my drug induced psychosis just became lasting.
  11. It won’t take too long. You’ll get better fast. Just stay off of it and you’ll be feeling better in no time.
  12. I’m diagnosed schizoaffective with bipolar traits. I’ve had severe psychotic breaks. Been to partial inpatient rehab for four months. I learned the hard way. Cut the stimulants and take your anti psychotic. My brain and dillusions many times told me to stop my meds to take more adderall, etc. it’s a really hard situation to be in because what we believe to be true makes us do things that are bad for us. Like stopping all our meds only to have a psychotic break months later and our life falls apart.. eat, sleep, and take your meds.. out dillusions fuck us up big time. It’s hard to portray what we go through but in the midst of all the chaos we have to eat, sleep, and take your anti psychotic.. in time all the crazy ness will be clear to see and you’ll be like holy shit wtf was I thinking.
  13. The first reason it feels this way is because adderall fried your reward system. It’ll be like this for a few years.
  14. @BK99 I understand how you feel. My dad was like “it’s out of your system in two weeks you should be fine” they have no clue what we’re going through.