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About SeanW

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  • Birthday 03/16/1993

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Southern U.S.
  • Interests
    Musician, tennis, diet and health

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  1. I can't seem to find any articles on a recovery time line. Anyone who is 5+ years clean care to elaborate on major mile stones. Such as what year one, two, three and so on were like?
  2. New to the community I am this kid. Luckily after being pushed by psychosis and delusions just like his to the point of suicide I couldn't bare knowing what it would do to my dad and family so I went to rehab and took my antipsychotics and it's saved my life. When you're psychotic it's hard to understand for someone who has never been how real and how much sense your delusions make.
  3. I can relate to all that. I gained 45 pounds after quitting which was so bad because I was six foot 3 and only weighed 155. I was so sick. I looked near death. I'm now 200 and healthy. I've messed around on dating apps here and there too. Music is a big part of my life. I play guitar and drums and sing and while I was using I was set on being a famous musician but that obviously didn't pan out. I still play guitar and sing and a lot of times I have no desire or motivation to do it but I make myself because music seems to have some magical effect once I start I usually feel better. I love just listening to music too. Since quitting I've binge watched a lot of tv, spend a lot of time on social media, and occasionally go out. I've recently started to really enjoy going out on the weekend for some drinks and meeting people. Being outside really helps too. Going for a walk in nature or just sitting outside and listening to the birds and what not helps. I spend a lot of off days just sitting around too but I try not to be too hard on myself. Having that huge expectation that you have to get this and that done can really weigh you down and cause you grief. You have to be kind to yourself and realize that all you can do is all you can do. If you need to just lay around that's okay just do what you can.
  4. I'm glad you've made it this far. You're doing great. I'm at a year and a half sober but I still drink occasionally. I struggle everyday feeling empty and with terrible anhedonia. The only thing I know to do after struggling this long with these feelings is to do something. When I start feeling and thinking that way I just get up and find something to do or I'll just sit and feel terrible. I force myself everyday to hit the gym. I get waves of heart break pain where I'm so sick and tired of fighting this fight. I've became so familiar with these moments when I start feeling this way Ill do anything I can to distract myself. I also would like to see someone but I don't have the motivation and don't feel worthy or that I'm not in good enough shape to. I just keep telling myself this can't last forever.
  5. My Story So Far, 191 Days Clean

    Day one off I was paranoid, severe social anxiety, dropped out of school, no job, no money, unable to get a job or communicate at all. Today I have a job, I can communicate though it still is uncomfortable, planning resume school in January. When I take things day to day a lot of the time I feel angry and helpless like I'll never get out of this but there has been progress you just have to look at the big picture and hang in there. I too have no clue what interest me. For the most part I feel numb and that I've lost my passion. Before I was so use to following what I felt but I can't do that anymore so I tell myself to just do what is logical and follow my brain make a decision and stick with it. we all had adderall dreams for me I want to be a musician and play professional tennis
  6. My Story So Far, 191 Days Clean

    I have a very similar story. Ended up rock bottom, moved back home, went to an outpatient rehab for about two months. I'm 19 months clean and my anhedonia is still very prevalent. I find it very hard to find any motivation to do anything and I'm bored all time. I force myself to workout daily and eat healthy. Things have gotten slightly better with time. I'm am definitely a lot better than the first few months. I'm going to hang in there and hope for the best because a lot of long time quitters say you don't get significantly better till year two and three.
  7. New to the community

    In my opinion a disconnect from ourselves is a major part of our negative experiences. A huge part of recovery is rediscovering yourself. This takes time and a dedication to work hard and commitment to helping yourself get back in touch. Many people have made great recoveries coming from positions just like yours and mine.
  8. Im not trying to insult you in anyway. I know you're well aware of your situation. I'm just reassuring you of the situation and giving you more reason to hopefully quit.
  9. It seems to happen to a lot of us. We lose ourselves and it can be very confusing and scary. For me it fed my psychosis and delusions and anxiety. Here is a popular delusion that happens and a great way to look at it. It really helped me. Also a lot of the social anxiety stems from not knowing who we are as a character in this story of life. And this addresses what happens when you lose that character and have to rebuild one. Sean, I totally know what you mean about this parallel universe concept, for me at my worst, I have this sneaking suspicion that the world as I know it has changed its predestined timeline, and entered into a reality where I am no longer a character. Quantum Death Theory sorta nightmarish scenario. My part was written out. I lost my job of ten years a few months ago, we went out of business, and since then my whole identity has crumbled. Sitting at home with no car and lots of adderall did awful things to my psyche. I am still not convinced the above scenario DIDN'T happen. Used to be all these signs and synchronicity in my life, I was once a part of it, an active player in my own life. I can't remember when that stopped. It's been years. But maybe, it's not that I'm not a part of the world anymore, but that I've blinded myself to that inherent, ultranatural guidance system. Maybe the signs are there but I'm not seeing them because I am filled with doubt. Maybe I'm paralyzed cuz there's too many possibilities, how do I choose? This below really helped me move forward and progress. The best thing I can do for myself, is to start making decisions (small, mundane to BIG LIFE ALTERING) from the perspective of the person who isn't focused on the small immediate future, who can't see the forest cuz she's busy analyzing the bark on a tree. That person hasn't been helping THIS PERSON ( me, here, now) get her shit together THIS WHOLE TIME. However, everybody at their own pace. You will disappoint people, societal demands you may not meet, but when it comes down to what is real, those things will rise to meet you. People get it wrong when they try to contort their selves, their lives, to fit what they think are societal demands. I posit that if you "do you", work on yourself, better the man inside, make him as healthy as you can, the world then conforms to meet you, and bends to your will. I have yet to experience that, but I am still phase one, understanding the concept, attempting to become healthy. Godspeed. You and quit-once like this Unlike this Quote
  10. Cognition

    Very well said. I was the same way: avoidant, anti social, anxiety, severe social anxiety and so on. You will break down eventually if you don't stop. You have a limited amount of energy and your body needs to recooperate and heal. I'm 18 months clean and I still have social anxiety and avoid people but compared to how I was when I first quit I literally locked myself in my apartment for 6 months unable to communicate or socialize. Now I'm out and about every day and I'm ABLE to actually communicate even though it's still uncomfortable. Where as I was literally unable the first 6 months.
  11. Cognition

    They've gotten 100% better. I'm not back to how I was before adderall and I might not ever be but I'm in wayyyy better place now than when I first quit.
  12. I did all the drugs and typical regime that you have been doing. I am literally you two years from now. I'm 26 and I was in the same position you are at 24. I didn't quit till 15 months ago. Because eventually I was unable to hold a job or function from all the use. That's where you're headed if you don't take care of yourself and quit/wean off/moderate. Imagine being unable to communicate or hardly function. It can happen and will happen if you keep at this. When that happens you're fucked a lot worse than you are now. I wish you the best and that you take my advice because things can be a lot worse or a lot better. It's up to you.
  13. Cognition

    I don't want to be discouraging but I was in the same position except my senior year of undergrad chemE. I ended up failing out to save my brain/life. I was on the same dosage and for the same time but I also fried myself with a multitude of other drugs too. So you might be salvageable. But it does sound familiar with the whole inability to focus or do anything or remember. You never know what you can do until you try so I wouldn't count you out. Just do your best and do what you can. Everything will be okay.
  14. Beautiful boy

    Yeah it looks good.
  15. Please Help

    I've been where you are. Stuck in between a multitude of drugs. I was using just as much adderall, tons of klonopin, marijuana constantly, alcohol, and any kind of pain med I could get my hands on. I was in hell, near death and I felt just as hopeless and suicidal as you're feeling. I don't want to sugar coat it but getting out of this mess is not easy. You have to pay the piper, pay your dues and youre way behind just like I was and still am. The first six months I never knew life could be such hell but things slowly got better and even though every now and then I get waves of hopelessness and pain now 18 months clean. When I look back to when I first quit I'm so much better and so far away from all that misery and suffering and it feels great. I hope you can do it too. I know you're strong enough and more than capable. You've been dealing with emotional suffering for so long abusing these drugs I know you're more than capable of making it through recovery. Find a group and find company that understands. That was the biggest help for me. Even though all of me just wanted to sit alone and die, once I finally forced myself to meet with people it really helped. We are all here for you and have been through what you're going through. We have compassion and our heart goes out to you. I wish you the best, you can do this.