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Everything posted by SeanW

  1. Three years.

    Hi all, haven’t been active on here much at all the past year. Anyone who remembers or knows me, today is three years clean of adderall. Words can’t describe what it’s like looking back to the state I was in, only my imagination remembers and it can’t be put in words how much different I am and life is now. I do drink alcohol a few times a week but I’m so much healthier now than back then. I can remember particular days and nights early in recovery and how I felt and it is a 100 times better now. I’d like to say I have an amazing drive and motivating purpose to my life but sadly I work to live and do the best I can. I contribute my lose of true purpose and finding that calling to adderall days but I have hope I’ll eventually find it. Anyways, I’m playing music, working as a quality control inspector at a concrete company and not a crack head anymore. Lol to all the new people check out my old post, I wish you the best. To my old friends and fellow posters, I wish you the best and cherish the support and relationships formed over this forum. all the best Cameron
  2. Three years.

    Well said! I feel anhedonia everyday.. and I don’t want to be discouraging but three years down and I still feel it. EVERYDAY lol it’s really tough but I just tell myself that it’s part of life and most people feel that way regularly. People who never tried adderall feel it the same way they just can’t relate it to an adderall high like we can, making it seem and feel way worse than it is.
  3. I wish you the best. You can do it. I’m sure you’ve faced very hard things in life and come out on top. This is the same. You can win against this like you have against other hard times or hardships. Good luck.
  4. I can't believe it's me...

    I “hope” you do. Although it’s not a matter of hope. It’s in your hands. You have the choice. Make the right one. You won’t regret it in the long run but you make the wrong one and you will most definitely regret it. I wish you the best. You don’t deserve to go through making the wrong one. Please give it a break and keep us updated on here. I was on here five times a day at least for my first six months to a year. Much love Cameron
  5. I can't believe it's me...

    That’s how addiction works. It’s just our chemical imbalances brain doing anything it can for relief and it will do whatever it takes to get us to do something. This is why we have a conscience to battle things like this when we know it’s not right for us. It’s our only hope to not be robots stuck in a cycle of addiction.
  6. I can't believe it's me...

    Didn’t have the time to read all the replies but read your initial post. Nothing we can do can get you to that point we all reach where we just can’t take it anymore and I mean REALLY can’t take it. It feels like you’ve got that point many time before, but not to the extent that you will one day, if you keep taking it. I’ve put this chapter so far behind me now it’s hard to remember exactly where I’m at but I think around two years and 7 months off it. You can do it just take it a day at a time and before you know it, it’ll be a memory of a time that was absolute hell but taught you a lot. When I look back at my days addicted/bingeing it makes me sick. My body immediately is like “god no” don’t ever do that again. You’ll get there. The only thing that concerns me is how stable and good your life is outside of the addiction. I had to lose my love of 7 years, fail out of my last semester of chemical engineering “a degree that would of changed my life” lose my job, lose touch with reality and go to psychological rehab. I hope and pray you don’t have to lose all that you have going to finally stop. Because you can stop now and keep it or keep on with the addictive cycle and i guarantee you’ll start to lose what you’ve got. I don’t mean to be discouraging or curt or upset you. Please get off of it.
  7. Update from a long timer

    Good to hear from you friend. Yeah man I’m still jamming. Actually getting better and actually able to play with a band sometimes. I make it a priority to play in front of people at least once a week.
  8. Hey guys, long time since I’ve been in here to support and receive support. I’ve been clean off adderall now 2.5 years. I moved to town with nothing, was homeless for the first two months. Worked 80 hours a week till I got my place. Now im just working and drinking. I’ve traded my adderall addiction for alcohol unfortunately.. I just don’t know how to have any enjoyment or happiness unless I’m drinking and shooting the shit with people. Otherwise I’m miserable. At least I’ve avoid adderall.. anyways.. I have a guilty conscience for my the situation I’m on as far as alcohol. I pay all my bills, got money for food and fun it I’m not pure. I drink heavily everyday. Idk why I’m even on here or sharing this but anyways. Alll you warriors still fighting through the early days, keep on keeping on. I still workout and eat well and started training mma. I just drink every evening.. anyways, for those who remember me, I miss you guys and for those who don’t I love you guys. Stay strong.
  9. Update from a long timer

    Thanks for the feed back and support. I’ll consider AA. I was in a group therapy that was every Wednesday but it didn’t really help me stay off alcohol. AA being everyday might be better.
  10. Update from a long timer

    Yeah man I’m down to try and kick it together. For the last week I’ve cut back on my drinking by a few drinks. If I cold turkey I’d be in really back shape so I’m just going to go with tapering down for the next month or two.
  11. Update from a long timer

    Yeah I’m definitely a functioning alcoholic.. I don’t I can kick it, but just like adderall I feel I need a few weeks to just lay around and detox..
  12. Just got to pay the piper man. It’s going to be rough for a little while but to resume the speed is just prolonging and also extending the period of lows you’re going to have to inevitably face. Just ride it out man. Do what you can. We a lot of times feel so down and drained but if someone had a gun to your head or you were running from a pack of lions ready to eat you a live you’d find some pretty profound energy and motivation. What I’m saying is it’s not like we’re incapable or it’s impossible it’s just hard. Real hard. But we have to fight through it, be strong, be a fucking beast and own this shit. You’re not the first or last to be in that position and many people have bodied that shit, fought through, and made it so you can too. Good luck man, and much love. Cameron
  13. Wow. The real miracle is you found this site this soon!! Stop the speed! Save yourself! Lol but seriously.. read around and take it into deep consideration to stop.
  14. 2 years

    Two years clean. Fuck adderall.
  15. 2 years

    Yeah me too man. I remember our early days on here. Nice to hear from you and see your still doing well.
  16. Man. Life ain’t easy, it’s not meant to be. Adderall makes it seem that way. But it’s not man. Cut the shit and drugs. You’re young man. I was the same way man but I didn’t find adderall till later about 22. Listen man.. just quit the shit. I know how tempting it is.. you can accomplish that state of consciousness through therapy and daily mindful practice and I’m not saying you have to do it now but just don’t keep using man. Please don’t keep using. Your so young. You’ve seen the dark side. You’ve seen the “easy” route but it’s not easy it’s an illusion it’s actually a downward spiral to hell. Go to therapy do whatever you gotta do to stay clean and function. I love you. I don’t know you but I do and you’ll find people that love you for who you are as adhd air headed artistic slow whatever you think you are. Your worth love and the person adderall makes you is not who you’re meant to be. You can realize this now or five, ten years from now when you’re in a lot worse shape. Anyway, wish you the best. Much love.
  17. The crash is inevitable.. unless you can get someone to lock your pills up and give you a medium to low dose daily and you eat well, exercise, and sleep you’ll be able to prolong your situation probably long enough to get through college maybe a couple years of your career but eventually you’ll be burnt out and have to quit. When you finally quit you’ll be in a situation where you’ll rediscover your true self and this could lead to regret and resentment for the person you built on adderall and the life you have on adderall. You can ignore this and continue to use it but life long it’s not sustainable.. you’ll have to quit one day and one day you’ll realize you don’t need it to be successful. It’s just an illusion, a dream world that adderall has given you and convinced you of. You can quit it and you can work hard without it. Especially if you find something you’re passionate about. Life’s beautiful in that way that if you find something you really love you’ll have endless energy to persue it. Good luck, I wish you the best.
  18. 2 years

    I go ahead and elaborate on my current state. Doing damn good. Working makin good money, going to therapy ten hours a week, working out five days a week, skiing on days off. Getting paid to play music. Still living in Colorado saving up money to go back to school in the fall. I can honestly say I would be no where near where I am had I not quit adderall. I’d prolly be dead or in a psych ward. Stay clean my friends, life has a lot to offer and it seems to fall in your lap when you do the right thing and quitting adderall is definitely the right thing.
  19. Is Adderall Ruining My Marriage?

    She’ll pay the piper one day. Might not be for awhile but what comes around goes around and you get what you deserve. Adderall is going to destroy her eventually.
  20. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    Yeah twelve rules. Towards the end of this first chapter around page 30ish he talks about instant gratification and the feed back loop it creates where we constantly search for that instant high then crash and that up and down causes stress and chaos and if you get away from that things steady out to be more of a flowing consistent sense of wel being
  21. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    Reading this book from Jordan Anderson has me a little scared that I’m fucked. Like you I’ve always been into the instant serotonin high from things like video games, porn, sugar, alcohol, and most other drugs. What makes me scared is I’ve been doing this since I was like 11-12 years old. He talks about getting away from the instant gratification and eventually you find more lasting sense of happiness and reward. I’m trying to cut back on all that. As of right now I’m three weeks clean of alcohol and porn. Next month will be two years addy free and one month alcohol free. Luckily I haven’t been big on sugar in the last couple years.
  22. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    Your in a feed back loop. Just gotta break it. Gotta stop the adderall. Give it more time. Focus on your health. ACT! Acting is a lot like living. Everyone wants to see your character and if you act you can be whoever you want to be you just gotta do it everyday. Create a new character, a new self and act that shit out every day like your on a stage. Life is about the show. You mentioned it’s scary. Hell yeah it is. You gotta commit to a character and hope you’re believe able. If you commit and believe before you know it this happy new character becomes real.
  23. Happiness and Chasing Dopamine

    Awesome to hear. Started reading Jordan Peterson’s book and it mentions a lot in reward systems and your story mimics what he finds to be successful. I quit alcohol two weeks ago and trying to get things rolling. Glad to hear your finding happiness.
  24. Just a little update. Im back in Colorado and happy to be here. Just got a job, first day was today. Went well. Next month will be my two years clean but to be honest I’ve had two relapses each for about two weeks but I still consider my clean date to be when I stopped on the verge of death almost two years ago. Stay strong everybody, love you guys.