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Everything posted by SeanW

  1. Just got to pay the piper man. It’s going to be rough for a little while but to resume the speed is just prolonging and also extending the period of lows you’re going to have to inevitably face. Just ride it out man. Do what you can. We a lot of times feel so down and drained but if someone had a gun to your head or you were running from a pack of lions ready to eat you a live you’d find some pretty profound energy and motivation. What I’m saying is it’s not like we’re incapable or it’s impossible it’s just hard. Real hard. But we have to fight through it, be strong, be a fucking beast and own this shit. You’re not the first or last to be in that position and many people have bodied that shit, fought through, and made it so you can too. Good luck man, and much love. Cameron
  2. Wow. The real miracle is you found this site this soon!! Stop the speed! Save yourself! Lol but seriously.. read around and take it into deep consideration to stop.
  3. 2 years

    Two years clean. Fuck adderall.
  4. 2 years

    Yeah me too man. I remember our early days on here. Nice to hear from you and see your still doing well.
  5. Man. Life ain’t easy, it’s not meant to be. Adderall makes it seem that way. But it’s not man. Cut the shit and drugs. You’re young man. I was the same way man but I didn’t find adderall till later about 22. Listen man.. just quit the shit. I know how tempting it is.. you can accomplish that state of consciousness through therapy and daily mindful practice and I’m not saying you have to do it now but just don’t keep using man. Please don’t keep using. Your so young. You’ve seen the dark side. You’ve seen the “easy” route but it’s not easy it’s an illusion it’s actually a downward spiral to hell. Go to therapy do whatever you gotta do to stay clean and function. I love you. I don’t know you but I do and you’ll find people that love you for who you are as adhd air headed artistic slow whatever you think you are. Your worth love and the person adderall makes you is not who you’re meant to be. You can realize this now or five, ten years from now when you’re in a lot worse shape. Anyway, wish you the best. Much love.
  6. The crash is inevitable.. unless you can get someone to lock your pills up and give you a medium to low dose daily and you eat well, exercise, and sleep you’ll be able to prolong your situation probably long enough to get through college maybe a couple years of your career but eventually you’ll be burnt out and have to quit. When you finally quit you’ll be in a situation where you’ll rediscover your true self and this could lead to regret and resentment for the person you built on adderall and the life you have on adderall. You can ignore this and continue to use it but life long it’s not sustainable.. you’ll have to quit one day and one day you’ll realize you don’t need it to be successful. It’s just an illusion, a dream world that adderall has given you and convinced you of. You can quit it and you can work hard without it. Especially if you find something you’re passionate about. Life’s beautiful in that way that if you find something you really love you’ll have endless energy to persue it. Good luck, I wish you the best.
  7. 2 years

    I go ahead and elaborate on my current state. Doing damn good. Working makin good money, going to therapy ten hours a week, working out five days a week, skiing on days off. Getting paid to play music. Still living in Colorado saving up money to go back to school in the fall. I can honestly say I would be no where near where I am had I not quit adderall. I’d prolly be dead or in a psych ward. Stay clean my friends, life has a lot to offer and it seems to fall in your lap when you do the right thing and quitting adderall is definitely the right thing.
  8. Is Adderall Ruining My Marriage?

    She’ll pay the piper one day. Might not be for awhile but what comes around goes around and you get what you deserve. Adderall is going to destroy her eventually.
  9. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    Yeah twelve rules. Towards the end of this first chapter around page 30ish he talks about instant gratification and the feed back loop it creates where we constantly search for that instant high then crash and that up and down causes stress and chaos and if you get away from that things steady out to be more of a flowing consistent sense of wel being
  10. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    Reading this book from Jordan Anderson has me a little scared that I’m fucked. Like you I’ve always been into the instant serotonin high from things like video games, porn, sugar, alcohol, and most other drugs. What makes me scared is I’ve been doing this since I was like 11-12 years old. He talks about getting away from the instant gratification and eventually you find more lasting sense of happiness and reward. I’m trying to cut back on all that. As of right now I’m three weeks clean of alcohol and porn. Next month will be two years addy free and one month alcohol free. Luckily I haven’t been big on sugar in the last couple years.
  11. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    Your in a feed back loop. Just gotta break it. Gotta stop the adderall. Give it more time. Focus on your health. ACT! Acting is a lot like living. Everyone wants to see your character and if you act you can be whoever you want to be you just gotta do it everyday. Create a new character, a new self and act that shit out every day like your on a stage. Life is about the show. You mentioned it’s scary. Hell yeah it is. You gotta commit to a character and hope you’re believe able. If you commit and believe before you know it this happy new character becomes real.
  12. Happiness and Chasing Dopamine

    Awesome to hear. Started reading Jordan Peterson’s book and it mentions a lot in reward systems and your story mimics what he finds to be successful. I quit alcohol two weeks ago and trying to get things rolling. Glad to hear your finding happiness.
  13. Just a little update. Im back in Colorado and happy to be here. Just got a job, first day was today. Went well. Next month will be my two years clean but to be honest I’ve had two relapses each for about two weeks but I still consider my clean date to be when I stopped on the verge of death almost two years ago. Stay strong everybody, love you guys.
  14. I don’t remember your useage but the more you binged and used extremely high dosages the more it was neurotic and fried your neurons. If you stayed within a reasonable dosage your system is depleted but not so much damaged. I spent my last year of use taking 80-150 and sometimes up to 200 a day which is severely neurotoxic. I’ll be at two years clean next month and I’ve had a lot of improvement this second year. I can see by the end of year three I believe I’ll be in prettt good shape.
  15. New day, same results.

    Man it’s daunting to think of life being this way till the day I die. People are so quick to call someone a coward for committing suicide like they weren’t strong. They think everyone experiences life and pain the same. The pain we feel and go through could be something those people have no clue about. They can only imagine. I’ll fight till the day I die because I’m not giving up.
  16. Experience smoking meth

    I was in Colorado all January and had to come back home to figure out what to do with my pup cause I didn’t have a yard for him in Colorado so I found a friend to take care of him. I fly back to Colorado Wednesday. I was in way better shape there. Something that has been bothering me for awhile now is when I look in peoples eyes I feel they just see a dead cold lifeless person and I can feel their distaste and how they just brush me off like my words are empty and meaningless like I have no real value to be actually listened to or paid attention too and it makes me feel like shit and terrible about myself.
  17. Experience smoking meth

    I’ve spent the day today crying.. I’ve betrayed my family, my self, and you guys - all the people who love me. I was out drinking Sunday and some guy offered me coccaine but I had to ride with him to his place. Got there and his buddy has meth out and smoking it. I was drunk so there’s wasn’t much inhibition. I’ve done so much adderall I knew what it was like to be strung out and honestly was slightly curious to compare meth to it because I’ve never smoked it and that’s a huge controversial topic of discussion. So I ripped one. It without a doubt is literally exactly like what it feels like to take a high dose of adderall, comparable to 90-100mg of adderall. I’m not looking for pity. What I did was stupid. I didn’t continue to binge or anything but I was up for the next 12 hours. I just thought for those interested in knowing, it is exactly like adderall. Adderall is meth. Dumbass people are like “adderall has one less functional group, functional groups completely change the behavior of a molecule.” Which is true in a god damn lab but once ingested its structure metabolizes and behaves almost indentical and in my case was identical to meth. I have no desire to do it again but I’ve always had this little voice when it comes to experimenting with psychoactive drugs “give it a try you’ve never done it” so I did ONCE. And never again. I know it comes with a dirty rep because it is dirty fucked up shit I just hope you guys don’t look at me differently for doing this stupid shit. Anyway, y’all have a good one, love you guys.
  18. Experience smoking meth

    Same, I play open mics and just listening to live music can take me out of all this pain
  19. Experience smoking meth

    You’re right frank. My addictive personality is turning me into an alcoholic. I can’t drink anymore.
  20. Experience smoking meth

    Thanks for the replies everybody.. just trying my best to get things going for me and every time I take a few steps forward I ended up messing up and fall back after all the progress I worked hard for. I’m really tired of all the pain and hurt. I feel like such a miserable asshole. It breaks my heart to look into the eyes of family and friends and people and they look at me with disgust and disappointment. That’s the hardest part. My heart breaks every time knowing how I’ve hurt and let them down. It’s like they think I don’t care and I’m just a piece of shit fuck up but I beat myself up all the time over it as they continue to treat me like I I actually want to hurt them like I’m heartless but it couldn’t be any further from the truth. I hurt everyday over mt mistakes and I’m god damn tired of fighting to stay alive for them. If I didn’t have family I’d have no reason to live. But anyways.. here’s to another day trying to crawl out of hell.
  21. Try to go for a walk or jog or lift weights. You can do it even if it’s just 30 minutes or an hour a day. That was literally the only thing I did all day for like six months. The other 23 hours I was sleeping, eating or Netflix.
  22. Anatomy of a Relapse

    Yep, I smoke too. Started around the time I had a psychotic break and just kept smoking. It’s been about two years now. The psychotic break is what helped me quit adderall because the psychosis was adderall induced but after a year clean I was still battling paranoi and dillusions so I got medical help and lots of therapy. It’s like the amphetamines either triggered a predisposition for schiz or my drug induced psychosis just became lasting.
  23. It won’t take too long. You’ll get better fast. Just stay off of it and you’ll be feeling better in no time.
  24. I’m diagnosed schizoaffective with bipolar traits. I’ve had severe psychotic breaks. Been to partial inpatient rehab for four months. I learned the hard way. Cut the stimulants and take your anti psychotic. My brain and dillusions many times told me to stop my meds to take more adderall, etc. it’s a really hard situation to be in because what we believe to be true makes us do things that are bad for us. Like stopping all our meds only to have a psychotic break months later and our life falls apart.. eat, sleep, and take your meds.. out dillusions fuck us up big time. It’s hard to portray what we go through but in the midst of all the chaos we have to eat, sleep, and take your anti psychotic.. in time all the crazy ness will be clear to see and you’ll be like holy shit wtf was I thinking.