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About Speeder906

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  1. 2 Week Progress

    I don't know why but I just felt the need for this post. Second thought, I know exactly why I am writing this post... I was cleaning my room tonight and organizing (adderall free, promise!) and I stumbled upon the 5 spiral notebooks (yes, FIVE) that I would use to write while on adderall. Keep in mind, as some already know, I was abusing up to 250mg in a day, gradually going from 20mg a day to that over the course of 2-3 years. I was reading a note I wrote to myself a while back that i put in my dresser so I would read it (totally forgot I put these letters to myself all around my room to motivate sobriety) and it wasn't until tonight I really sat down and flipped through these journals and letters. It's kind of like in a horror movie when someone goes into a house that obviously is haunted, we scream STOP DON'T GO IN THERE STUPID, and honestly that's exactly what it was like reading these posts. Part of me wants to post them it's so depressing, to me at least. I can just feel the desperation in every entry, every new one getting worse than the last. I'd always write an "update" when I got my refill and it was so fucking obvious how oblivious I was to the pattern of behavior I was trapped in. I felt bad reading myself go through that. I was bullshitting myself so much, saying how this new refill was going to be different (I claimed I had learned my lesson and was trying to taper down.. only to fail miserably). Anyways, I just wanted to get this experience off my chest. It was pretty cathartic to be reminded how delusional this drug eventually made me and flawed my thinking became after abusing it. It's kinda funny (lack of better word) to see how hopeful I am at the beginning (of the journals and when I get the refills) only to decline over that week and feeling so hopeless. I am just two weeks into my sobriety, but it's surprising to me how I actually had the drive for cleaning and sorting my room. And overall the first few days off adderall weren't too bad and I'm actually starting to feel like myself again. I fucking love it. Especially because I know that i don't have access to anymore adderall, so this happiness and drive I feel is genuine for once. I feel bad if I just post bragging about feeling good off adderall when there's so many others that from what I read, are in similar situations to me. My advice? Although I am early in my sobriety and might not be experienced enough to give it yet, if I could give one piece of advice it would be to cut ties from your adderall/amphetamine supply. Simple as that. Personally I did that by telling a new psych I wanted off adderall (not many details given to him cause he didn't care much lol). I would also recommend not substituting another drug for adderall immediately. Give yourself a good week or so to naturally come off the drug. I was supposed to take Prozac but as some of you know I didn't. I haven't taken anything besides L-Tyrosine a few days in my first week and L-Theanine (which I usually take daily anyways). Just my two cents. If you are even just thinking about quitting and are anything like me, do yourself a favor and so it asap. Don't wait for the summer, don't wait for your next refill. Just do it. Start your life. Let yourself enjoy the summertime! Thanks for reading
  2. Adderall: How I beat the vicious cycle

    Spot on. Your experience was very similar to mine. Glad I am out of this cycle now. Your post is encouraging, thank you
  3. Finals week relapse and my mental breakdown (update)

    No apologies necessary, frank! I stand by my idea of not replacing one pill for another. I have been off adderall cold turkey for a while, going from 200mg or so to nothing and first few days I felt lazy but now I'm starting to feel okay again. I know for a fact though if I didn't ask to be taken off adderall I would have already planned when to order my next refill. My Prozac sits not being touched and especially seeing so many stories like the one above, I don't plan to use it. Maybe not even planning to see my psych at all anymore since all they wanna do is put me on more meds when I obviously want off them.
  4. Just Flushed Pills!!!! QUITTING

    Congrats! I also flushed the rest of mine wanting to be rid of them. Now it seems like your next task would be to prevent a relapse by telling your doc not to prescribe it anymore? Correct me if I'm wrong but you said you can get a refill next week and you just got some to hold you over, if I read that right? Cause I just know the most helpful thing for me was going to a new psych and asking them to take me off adderall officially, without any chance of getting more. Its a scary step but a necessary one if you really want to quit. Good job coming out of denial, in any case. ☺️
  5. Finals week relapse and my mental breakdown (update)

    Thank you everyone for the advice it's truly so appreciated. I was feeling weird all day yesterday but not because of anything withdrawal related but because I just hated the idea of taking the Prozac. I also hear from people that it makes their depression worse. I was supposed to start taking it today but I don't think I will. If anything I think I'd rather have more natural remidies. Like I take l theanine for my anxiety and it has always worked well. I'd just rather not replace one pill for another.
  6. Seattle WA

    I also live near Seattle and would be interested in a support group. my psychiatrist referred me to group therapy for depression and anxiety but I feel like it'd be better to be in a group with other adderolics going through similar things. Not sure how or where to find a group like this. Just officially asked to be taken off of it today so the withdrawals will start soon for me. Week 3 usually is the hardest (and I know cause I've had to wait that long for my refills to be ready for over a year) ☺️
  7. Finals week relapse and my mental breakdown (update)

    Just left my psych and he's putting me on Prozac for a month to see how that works. Idk how I feel about this. He said maybe after a month we will revisit fixing focus and try some other stimulant like Ritalin (which I know doesn't work for me) and if not that then a non stimulant like wellburtin. I won't be getting adderall anymore and that's all that matters
  8. Finals week relapse and my mental breakdown (update)

    I'm free of adderall now. Wrote my final paper for the quarter and went to the bathroom and flushed the remaining 7 pills down the toilet. Never thought I'd ever waste pills like that but I know if I kept them I would take them. Probably all within 20 minutes too. But I'm done. I looked at that 8 stages of amph use post and remember reading and being a 5 but today I realized I reached 7b. First appt with new psych tomorrow and I wrote down just how these pills make me feel in case tomorrow morning my brain is foggy. Hoping for the best right now I feel good about not having any more pills but I'm still really afraid of what's to come if I'm being totally honest.
  9. Finals week relapse and my mental breakdown (update)

    I want this on a plaque hanging on the fucking wall
  10. Finals week relapse and my mental breakdown (update)

    UPDATE: So i am really trying to follow thru with this - seriously this time. Just today I switched psychiatrists and I am scheduled to see him in just a couple days. I'm glad it's so soon cause if I had to wait too long I would convince myself I don't need the help I so clearly DO need. It's time to put this to bed for real this time. I've already got the support of my friend and his gf that I didn't know I had before, and now even the person who introduced me to addy is encouraging me to follow through and get help. That says a lot. You're right Cheeri and thanks for making me feel a little less alone about this. I know that this can't continue, it just can't. My body and my mind can't do it. I've already had my mark of another adderall binge: staring angrily in the mirror for a min until i just breakdown and cry like a damn baby so disgusted and ashamed with myself and all I've let adderall turn me into. I was SO close to telling my mom today that I'm getting off my meds (something soft, not gonna give her a heart attack when I say I'm an addict) but I didn't. It's so sad too because I started adderall freshman year at a nice university and burned out then dropped out lying my way through paying off that debt. Even saying I'd use my time off school to "get my head right" and then go back but here I am back at it but hey at least I am done with the term minus a few minor assignments i'll just coast thru. My presentation was the worst cause last time I had to present something I was in an addy binge and on a lot of Valium so I was literally so dysfunctional and I still am haunted by that day tbh. Doesn't help that I just had a substance use disorder lesson in psych and I fit the criteria for the diagnosis like a fucking glove. Shit just feels to be sinking in for the first time for me, or maybe I'm just overly optimistic cause of the adderall ..
  11. Hey everyone.. I haven't written in a while because things for me haven't changed too much - still falling back into the adderall crash and binge cycle. I had my final assignments due this week (so did them over the weekend) for college and just before the weekend my rx got refilled with the new increase dose from my doc (somehow..). I've tried to write this post for like four hours now without getting too wordy so hopefully this one's the winner. I've taken roughly 1000mg over the course of five days with somewhere around 300mg left of my refill - I know how bad that is and it blows my mind how I am still fucking alive right now. It's funny, usually the first day will be productive or fun in some kinda way but this time around I can honestly say I felt NOTHING. I did manage to put together the assignments I needed to for school but honestly I couldn't tell you about what I had written because I'm sure it was all delusional, adderall gibberish, many tangents, lack of any focus at all. Ironically I have come to realize that adderall doesn't make me focus at all anymore; not even for the first dose. It's instant depression and depersonalize every time. I guess I'm taking so many to try and get passed that but I have a hunch after over 1000mg, I won't be getting there in this lifetime. I have dissociated myself from all friends and family more than ever before and hardly look at them at all to which by this fifth day I feel bad because my mom at least talks to me like she's really concerned about me, thinks something is wrong, i claim to be stressed and busy with finals but I was so close to coming clean - I really wanted to.. I wanted to ask her to hide my pills from me because I can't trust myself anymore. She would probably do it too which is why I hate myself for chickening out. I'd hate to tell her that her youngest son, the one she knows will go great things some day (yeah she really says this to me it's bittersweet) and learning that kid was a drug addict would just break her heart, I bet. I was so down on myself for everything this weekend that I actually came clean to a good friend of mine and his gf about how bad this abuse has gotten. I wasn't expecting them to be so supportive and helpful to talk to. Honestly I was just gonna hang around their place until my xnax plug was around and I couldn't face my family at home at the time. My friend's gf offered to take me to an NA meeting which I was hesitant about at first but now given my situation just getting worse and worse, I know it's the right thing to do for me. I'm also trying to find a new psychiatrist, one I am able to see more often and for longer (my psych visits are 10 min tops every 6 months) because with this new psychiatrist (or a psychologist/therapist would do fine too) I am going to bring up substance use disoder which I would probably legit quality for (read the dsm-5 diagnosis criteria and I fit each one..) and basically I want this to be the start of my healing process (with getting off addy maybe taper even, therapy, treating any other underlying disorders that my old psych glossed over) Anyways, I think that's the gist of what's on my mind right now. I'm just feeling so exhausted from the toll this drug has put on my body. I'm 2mg of clonazepam so I feel kinda stellerrrrrr Later days
  12. Needed this. Thank you
  13. Lost my job due to Adderall

    I just quit my job last week and this part right here I could have written myself its that spot on. I was abusing heavily for over a year at my job. I knew it and refused to believe that the thing that's gotten me so far in school and work wouldnt work anymore. Eventually all the pent up stress and frustration just got to be too much and I ended up having almost like a mental breakdown at work so I guess theres worse ways to lose your job? Either way I wish you the best with your new job search as I am doing the same myself right now. It's gonna be hard going through withdrawal all over again but at least work stress won't impact my path to finally getting off these damn pills. Anyways, Good luck!
  14. After 3 years away from this site...

    What were the steps in between those binges of 120mg a day to where you are now, if I may ask? I just ask because I am kind of in that same rut right now of binging and meth-head-eske behavior to some degree. I'm also averaging about 120mg a day (sometimes more) and was just wondering what you did right after your "dark period"? Did you tell your doctor? go to rehab? Just to read that those binges were someone else's dark period really hit me (especially the part about referring to the aftermath of adderall binges as ptsd) because that's kinda where I am at this very moment. I'm trying to taper down as best as I can but ya know as an addict that doesn't pan out all the time. thank you and i am happy to see you've started to rebuild your life, that's actually inspirational to me. Congrats on all your progress!
  15. All throughout the day especially when I am on adderall I can't help but crack my joints.. Not just knuckles like I have always moderately done but these days I'm am popping my ankle/foot bone? Rolling my ankle until it pops cause if I don't hear or feel a nice loud pop I just obsess over it until I am successful. Now that's not a huge deal normally but I shit you not I spend hours doing it without really thinking about it and I think my family in the next room can hear me do it at all hours of the night and now I just feel very self conscious about myself even more. I was just wondering if any else has had this issue? It's not as bad when I'm off adderall FYI. Just sucks cause right now as I write Im doing it and it's keeping me from getting to sleep