Speeder906

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About Speeder906

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  1. Relapsed this weekend. I was supposed to be cut off from the source but on a day of weakness I let my inner critic convince me that I wasnt gonna have the fulfilled life that I'd imagine about in my early Adderall days back when the euphoria still existed and my self esteem wasn't utterly shattered into pieces. In my law class I barely could focus and I was already getting worried about having to do so much reading which is harder without Adderall to make everything in a textbook super interesting. I hadn't eaten that day and didn't want to sit and eat just to gain more weight than I already have --- and thats when it was already over. Getting one shred of rationale to get some addy was enough to make my inner critic take control of me and next thing I knew I was excited to pick up my refill after school. Cause of course my psych let me back on the meds after a month ago I asked to stop getting them. Five days with little to no sleep and 740mg later... I've come to face the facts that I'm addicted and I am getting to learn this lesson once more as if I hadn't gotten this lecture before. I want to try seeing a drug abuse counselor or addiction counselor for a consult to see if meeting with them regularly might suit my situation. Anyone have any knowledge on how to go about that one? It's been a blurry stressfully immesly long weekend for me including most of my coworkers quitting cause of our horrible store manager not doing his job as he should. Its just more unnecessary stress for me on top of this relapse so I'm going to give my two week notice today. I'd appreciate any kind words if y'all have any. I'm feeling pretty lousy today aside from the no sleep thing but emotionally I feel ashamed cause for the month I was sober I had a better outlook on life but its just when I start to feel insecure or inadequate there's this desire to suppress doubtfulness and overcompensate with a pill that'll make me be the productive motivated person that I want to be but in reality it doesn't have that effect for more than 20 minutes.
  2. What are the parts of yourself you've gained back?

    Personally I would say after a while I finally was able to have my sense of humour. On Adderall I was a total zombie. Nothing would make me smile. No one could make me not super serious which was sad because all my life before Adderall people would tell me that I was funny and had a good sense of humour. Having fun and laughing and not taking things so damn serious all the time is one of the best things I've discovered since getting sober. I've been clean for almost a month now and I notice the same thing with me as you noticed in your first 8 days and in my experience so far you'll notice more and more of your true self come out so you have that to look forward to. Best of luck
  3. Post quitting tips?

    I'm roughly 20-22 days Adderall free. Overall I feel better than when I was taking it. I'm less anal about when I'll be taking another pill, I can actually genuinely laugh on a daily basis, and I don't always worry that at any moment my heart will burst. However now that I'm 3 weeks sober I have a few things maybe y'all could advise me on. It's nothing major but in the midst of my getting back to normal I have struggled with some things that in retrospect I relied on Adderall to help me with. 1) General boredom? Like I ask for more days off work just to relax a bit now that I am off Adderall but now I just feel bored. I don't know how to spend my day. I dont really have friends to spend it with. Kinda just feel lonely. 2) Bloating. Lately I have just been eating a lot of junk that fills me up. My weight has fluctuated A LOT during the time I have been on ad off Adderall. When I first was taking it I immediately lost a lot of weight. Binging and crashing a lot made me gain and slightly drop some of that weight. I've never been much into health or fitness so I'm really just clueless how to go about starting a exercise routine, a better diet without making too big changes too fast, maybe I should get a trainer? Idk. Now I'm easily 50lbs heavier than I was when starting Adderall (ironically I initially lost 50lbs within the first few months on this stuff). 3) Antisocial tendecnies? I'm a shy person and always have been but Adderall let me come out of my shell to a certain extent but by the end of the time on the drug I was anti social again. Now I'm just lonely a lot just curious as to how people make friends? It's a pathetic question being as I am 21 but making friends is really hard for me. Maybe if anyone could give some tips on socializing in a school/college setting? As I am a student. And just general conversing tips (platonicly and otherwise) Other than the boredom, weight gain, and lack of socializing... Life without Adderall is great. Just makes it hard to resist asking for a refill when I don't know how to spend the days and when in just a week or so I'll be starting classes again without adderall for the first time in my college career. Thanks everyone
  4. Offically cutting the cord

    Literally sat here before logging in thinking about how to undo all this and get a refill thinking I could do better this next time around until I read this and your other thread on here.. Made me realize the hell I was potentially putting myself through again, but not again. It's crazy how up until now I was only thinking about the 'benefits' taking addy again would give me. Not thinking about my past behavior. Thank you for that!
  5. The #1 worst thing about Adderall

    I think the worst was the false sense of security or esteem in myself in regard to my habits like I was able to convince myself that 'tomorrow I'll only use my prescribed dosage' but then that day never came and deep down I think I knew it but the addy wouldn't let myself accept it
  6. My Story - Trying to Quit...Again

    "The truth is that whenever I feel lonely, bored, sad, or out of control, I decide that I need it and go on a mission to get it. I know that I am better off Adderall and that I've made a complete mess of my life. When I'm on it, I say and do things that I would never normally do if I weren't on it. I wake up the next day, full of shame, and need to take more to distract myself" Reading those few lines REALLY hit home for me. You're not alone. I was in the same binge crash cycle as you, and I didn't have anyone to talk about this kinda stuff with either until I started posting here even if I don't personally know the other members. My advice is to cut off your supply if it is possible. I told my psych a very broad reason for wanting to quit (and actually lying about tapering as I know tapering would be impossible for me) and honestly I feel a weight off my shoulder. If you can I would suggest starting there. I know exactly how you feel about the feeling defeated and trying to just forget it with more addy. Good on you for admitting you wanna stop by posting here. I am early into my sobriety but I have to admit this website helps SO much. Good luck
  7. Speaking for myself, I've found writing and reading (on here, in school) easier and more enjoyable without Adderall. I was once in a similar place as you, unable to imagine doing anything without some amount of adderall in my system. I think it takes time off the drug for one thing. Second, and this is just my two cents on it, but reaching the point where you realize you want to or need to let go of adderall REALLY dictates your willingness to try finding pleasure in things like writing or reading or even excercising for example. Honestly the exercising this is what I've really been struggling with now 2 weeks sober. It motivates myself to post here or read posts cause I know Adderall hasn't just affected me but other people as well. Knowing I'm not alone, seeing it in front of me on this site, makes me have the desire to write a post like this very one I am writing or get on here regularly to read others postings. Not entirely sure if my response was that connected to the OP maybe I'm just rambling which is weird being off Adderall and doing, but yeah.
  8. So I'm just over a week off adderall and I've been looking for a new job because I don't like the 1) reputation I have at my current job and 2) feel like this is a new phase of my life so it should be starting with a new job. Anyone else had this feeling after quitting and if you followed through, did it work out well? I think I nailed the interview which is really good for me being as I was totally sober during it. But part of me is a little worried I won't be as on point if I decide to take this new job. Thoughts?
  9. Addict or just a junkie?

    Wow.. I've been off Adderall for about a week now and today I had this thought to myself that maybe I could control myself next refill (despite having told my doc I didn't wanna take it anymore last week, which probably has made it impossible to get a refill now.. But still the thought of in moderation entered my mind for some reason). Now reading all your replies, dodge, Rachael, and Nicole.. You guys reminded me why I told my psych I didn't want to keep taking Addy anymore, why I have so many notes to myself saying Adderall has chewed me up and spit me back out, and really why I joined this site and decided to post my journey through all of this. Admitedly today after a week sober I was getting my first round of craving of many sure to come. I really appreciate it
  10. Offically cutting the cord

    So I just sent an email to my psych to tell her that I am discontinuing adderall. I've tried to ask to stop in the past but when I am in the room with her I just tense up and accept an up in dose or whatever she wants to try. I didn't get into specifics or the extent to my use but I am hoping this is going to be the end of this hell that taking adderall for the last couple years has sent me to.I wouldn't get to see her for a few months in person so the most immediate way to do this just seemed to be by email which is better because I actually don't think I could have said it to her face. Every time I'd use all my supply I would count the days until I could order another refill even if I was happier being off the adderall which is the most defeating part of all this. I am hoping that since my psych is aware that I am going to stop she will either make it impossible to submit a refill request or she'd simply decline it if I broke down and tried to get another refill later this month. I've taken my month's supply in 3-4 days and I am just about out of pills and I know when I am off adderall I will try to convince myself that I can control myself the next refill. I'll probably tell myself lies about why it's helpful and just ignore the negative side of this drug. Anyways, I don't have anyone who I can talk to especially about this subject, so that's why I'm even posting this. Hoping for the best from this moment forward
  11. Do People Know?

    I feel like it's so painfully obvious but no one has ever confronted me about it so maybe people just think I am a weirdo.
  12. Addict or just a junkie?

    Adderall is the only drug that I find myself drawn to and ever since getting my scrip I've gradually increased the amount I am taking from 20mg IR a day to two years later clocking in 150mg or so every day. Now days I find myself binging over the course a week once I get my refill (this is the third day of my binge and already through 2/3 of my month's supply. Next three weeks I am sober and have good and bad days but over the last few months I've realized I don't even feel withdrawls other than hunger. I think this cycle of on and off usage for so long has made me numb to the shitiness of detoxing which i guess is kinda nice in a way but here's my question for y'all because idk if I am just overthinking my use and blowing things out of proprtion. Sometimes I just get too in my own head that i get psyched out. How can you know if you're an addict that needs professional help/therapy and not just a person that likes taking drugs? When I'm binging I feel like a full blown out of control addict but when I am taking the rest of the month off the pills I don't really feel the need to seek other drugs for the high. In fact I feel miserable right now and I am on a lot of addy as I write this as some might be able to tell by my rambling. Idk I think subconsciously I just want someone to tell me what my fucking problem is because I'm so different on these pills and I don't even like who I am when I am taking them but I still order that refill every month with another excuse like using it in moderation (LOL) to curb my appetaite or to get a lot of school work done. More often than not anymore I'm more distracted on addy than not, I rush through school work not really learning I don't think, and sorry if this is too crude but a lot of the times I just masturbate for hours on adderall for no reason at all. So it just seems like I am not gaining ANYTHING from this medicine. My reason for taking it this weekend was because I was kinda behind in school and I am caught up now, but at what cost? I've isolated myself from my family staying in my room all day long, I've skipped classes since getting my refill, flaked on friends, go to work tweaked out and just get so fucking sweaty at work it's so embarrassing. Okay sorry for the going off on tangents so thanks for reading if you made it this far through this shit. I'd just really appreciate another person's two cents on this situation. I don't have anyone that knows the extend to this problem nor do I have friends or family that I am all that close to. I just feel so alone right now. I can't decide if i'm just hopeless or not. Any advice or anything would make my day a lot better. Okay, later. PS If it means anything, I am a 21 years old guy.
  13. My community college offers personal counseling (including substance abuse counseling) and today I scheduled my first apointment for tomorrow morning. I have struggled with substance abuse for quite some time (I am turning 21 next month). I've never been to counseling (outside of seeing my psychiatrist for 5 minute meetings every 4-6 months) so I don't really know what to expect. Hoping to get some idea from people here who have done counseling before. I also have a couple questions about couseling. Basically any advice or tips at all is very appreciated. 1.) Can a counselor contact my psychiatrist and tell her that I abuse my medicine? 2.) How reserved or open should I be for my first session? Is it safe to just come clean about ALL drug misuse experiece? Even about other pill abuse? Or even illegal substances like cocaine which I did a bit too... Getting drug abuse couseling is obviously very new for me and I just want to kinda prepare myself as well as I can. I don't wanna say too much not knowing the next day my doc will stop my meds, put me in rehab, maybe even tell my parents since I am on their health insurace.. Thanks everyone
  14. Help me forum - you're my only hope

    Thank you Frank and Tom. Your words meant a lot to wake up to read this morning. Today is going to be the last day of my binge because after taking 100mg for my two classes today I realized adderall doesnt even fucking help me focus.. just makes me more distracted it seems like. I haven't been in school for a while and the last time I was (this time I plan on actually finishing not dropping out again) and its so weird to face that reality because I can recall being so engaged in class and so interested in everything, just to two years later feeling the exact opposite way as I sat in class and didn't say a word to anyone, even going out of my way to avoid eye contact with everyone too. I'm really self aware of this problem and how much pain it's causing me.. and I think that fact alone is the worst part of all. When I was in class i saw a flyer for student counseling services including specifically substance abuse counseling. Idk if its just the adderall making tons of connections but seeing that flyer felt like a sign to seek professional help instead of continually trying to fight this addiction on my own without involving anyone else. I don't know what will come of it, and of myself because this evening I'll be crashing from 120mg and starting the withdrawal from my 6 day binge my entire month's supply. I'll use this post as encouragement to NOT order that new refill, which will be much easier said than done but thank you again.
  15. I wasn't planning to post anything here, but there isn't anyone that I can turn to anymore. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's a cry for help, maybe it's a way to pass the time while coming down, either way, might be good to get it off my chest even if it's here. After all if anyone could understand it's the people here, right? (I'm two months from turning 21) I've been on Adderall since September 2014 and got the script just before going to college. Not more than 3 months in, I was taking more than the 20mg/day (IR) limit frequently to pull all nighters, avoid eating, and spend long hours studying without breaks. It wasn't long before I was sleeping every other day and isolating myself from everyone even the few friends I had that still kept in touch. Adderall helped distract me from my shyness and low self esteem with weight loss and a 4.0 gpa. My second quarter I wasn't getting the same effects so my psych upped my dosage to 30mg/day (IR) which helped for a while but I would still use more than I was supposed to in order to keep up the horrendous lifestyle I had developed my first quarter. I'd run out prematurely and have to take some time off the meds just to binge hard when the next one came. I had lost 50-60 lbs in a few short months, but I didn't feel healthy at all. Finished another quarter barely surviving the malnourishment, sleep deprivation, and plummeted self-worth. Spooked by a panic attack, confusion spell, and giving a presentation tweaked out yet mentally so slow (slurring words, losing train of thought randomly), went to my psych to discontinue Adderall maybe try something else. Minutes later I'm handed a script for Adderall XR instead and a bottle of pills in my hand. Figured I'd try XR and maybe things will be better. Nope. Blew through the month's supply in one fucking week. Somehow I emailed her after I was out she switched me back to IR and I got another bottle to binge during spring break all by myself. Since then I haven't been the same. I've snaked back and forth from XR to IR because I'm a greedy fucking junkie I guess. I would return to school only to drop out by midterms do overwhelmed by the work load and the lack of Adderall that would help me complete it. For an entire month I would sit in my dorm room all day eating, sleeping, skipping class until officially dropping classes and moving back into my parent's house. I was fined a few thousand dollars and had to play it off to my folks as financial aid fucked me over and kicked me out. How could I tell them their son dropped out because I was overusing my medicine thats supposed to help me focus? September 2016.. Got enrolled in a community college while still working full time. Paying out of pocket. Still binging Adderall every month. Haven't averaged less than 100mg/daily in months by this point. By midterms I dropped out.. again. Partly due to Adderall but also didn't want to go to that school. Now i'm enrolled elsewhere, still paying out of pocket. Still abusing Adderall. Averaging 150mg-200mg daily. Can't remember when I had only 30mg like I should be. I've had practice taking Adderall breaks and have gotten good at coping. It's just the week before the refill that ruins me because I just remember the good things about the pills. Not the way it turns me into an anti-social asshole, how it makes me sweat like a pig while I'm at work, how it's caused me to compulsively crack/pop my ankle/foot bones.. I've never heard anyone doing that before so hopefully as often as I do it that it isn't too harmful. I don't know what I want to do from here. I'm averaging 150mg daily. I'm passed the point of making rules to last the month with Adderall. I have 12 pills left and I trust myself so little that the pills are in the emergency kit in the trunk of my car. Honestly I don't even know how much I've had today. I was set on taking today off as usual but nope. Here I am.Mindlessly writing the play by play of my addiction. It's odd but I feel better the closer to being out of pills I am after a binge and re-realizing the fucking hell that Adderall can put me though. I don't think I need advice on coping with withdrawal, but I think if anyone actually reads this long less, or if I even have the gaul to post it at all, maybe someone can shed a light on what my next step might be? Getting an outsider's take might be good because no one even knows the severity of my abusing and the aftermath of it.. Cause I sure as hell can't be very objective anymore. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through.