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About Nicole88

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  1. Adderall and Alcohol

    I know exactly what you mean! its terrifying how much you can drink and 'feel fine.' My most horrifying day in my using, which I've been hesitant to share, was a result of this phenomenon (if you can call it that). My ex and a group of friends had gone to a baseball game that day and went out bar hopping afterwards. I had just gotten a bonus at work so I was also wanting to celebrate that. We ordered two bottles and I was drinking like a fish. We ended up getting kicked out, I can't even remember why, but my ex and I got into a pretty bad argument, so I got out of the car and started walking. Left my phone in the car... my ex sped off and by the time he came back to pick me up he couldn't find me (yea he shouldn't have been driving either) anyways, the next 8 hours that ensued were the worst of my entire life. I walked around the city looking like a lunatic. I tried getting a taxi but I had no money and I was over an hour away from home. I couldn't remember anyone's phone numbers and no one would help me. I was a hysterical TRAINWRECK. I somehow came up with the brilliant idea to find the train station and take a train home. This might have worked but I got on a train going the wrong fucking direction! They kicked me off of the train literally in the middle of nowhere and I just started walking back to the city skyline. I ended up getting picked up by some lot manager or something and by the GRACE OF GOD, I remembered my exs number at that time because i can't remember any number by heart. I wish I could say I got clean after this but it still took a couple of years and more disasters. I do not miss that at all!!!
  2. Depression sets back in

    Thanks @Danquit. It really does make me feel better. I truly believe if it weren't for this site, I would have relapsed by now. As miserable as this process has been, I can keep going knowing that it does get better. And wow, 1 year is a big one! Seriously, congrats!!
  3. Depression sets back in

    I met with a new counselor this morning. She's really easy to talk to. I'm excited to start working with her.
  4. The good days

    Yay, that is so great! It's so important to recognize the triumphs that we have in recovery.
  5. Quitting again after a setback

    Don't beat yourself up over it. Getting off this crap is HARD!! It's scary how the addicted brain can convince you to take something you swore you had no intention to ever touch again. Try to take this as a lesson learned, and now you always have this post to come back to if you need a reminder that it will only leave you feeling worse off than before. I personally find it really helpful to read my older posts when I'm feeling down or questioning my decision to quit.
  6. No im not taking it easy thank you.

    Definitely makes sense. I pretty much bought everything and anything out of desperation to no avail. I've got an appointment with a new psych in a few weeks- going to ask about getting on Wellbutrin so fingers crossed
  7. No im not taking it easy thank you.

    Lol @ the supplements. I've spent a ton of money on supplements since quitting and im pretty sure it's all BS too. Sometimes I try and convince myself it's working tho lol!!
  8. Please Help... :(

    First of all, congratulations on 2 months adderall-free. This is, in itself, a HUGE feat that you cannot downplay. Secondly, what you are experiencing at 2 months is absolutely normal and you will see the same theme play out over and over again in many posts. You have not damaged yourself forever, but recovery from adderall is most definitely a long process. I can relate to a lot of your story as well. One of my favorite aspects of adderall was the weight loss. Looking back on my 'honeymoon' stage, everything just seemed to come together in my life. Growing up I never really lived up to my full potential and struggled with laziness and overeating, but on adderall I became the person I always thought I was meant to be. I went from pretty much dropping out of several classes my freshman year of college to getting straight As and graduating with honors. I got an internship my senior year which led to being hired full time and two more promotions in just a couple of years. I was quickly moving up the corporate ladder with no signs of slowing down. From the outside, it truly appeared that I finally had it all together. I was willing to pay any price to keep the success, and in turn, the addiction going. I always told myself that i would quit, but when it was the right time. Unfortunately the right time never comes and life will always have its demands. Adderall is unsustainable in the long term and sooner or later something has to give. I can only speak from my experience, but I wish I would have heeded the early warning signs of isolation and overall just strange behaviors. Instead, I placed my idea of 'success' above everything else until ultimately, I did lose everything else. The one thing left- my job, which I thought was what defined me I would so gladly trade to get back the wasted time and all the relationships I neglected. You can definitely be successful without the adderall, but give yourself permission to take the needed time to recover first knowing that you still have the rest of your life to make your dreams come true. This is a small sacrifice in the big picture. Anyways you will find so much great advice and support in these forums. Stick around, you will find a group of people who understand this struggle like no one else can.
  9. Intervention Show

    Was just watching this and you know what else gets me- when they do the follow up 30 or 60 days into treatment. They make it seem like the person has completely changed their life around and it is all rainbows and butterflies. I was totally riding that pink cloud when I left treatment too... yea that just is not reality at all!!! I would like to see a documentary where they follow someone through the entire first year of recovery..
  10. Depression sets back in

    Thanks @bluemoon, I really do appreciate the words of encouragement. Hearing that it gets better is the only thing that keeps me going some days. I was definitely expecting to be feeling better at this point and sometimes the road ahead just seems too long. My mom even suggested I consider being hospitalized for my depression cause she doesn't know what else she can do to help me at this point. That makes me feel all the more pathetic and in those moments I find it hard to be proud of the progress I have made. I was actually seeing a counselor for a few months but it was set up by my EAP and it was too much along the lines of 'only god can save you' so I quit going. I should have made an effort to find a new one but now that you suggest it, I'm definitely going to start looking again. I really am willing to try anything lol. Happy Easter to you!
  11. Depression sets back in

    Every time I think I am making progress I just fall right back into this pit of despair. I'm sick of this depression and I can't help but wonder sometimes if I fucked my brain up for good. I feel so alone and it really is all my fault because I chose to spend years isolating myself on this horrible fucking drug. I had a great life at one point and i threw it all away, and for what?! For the sake of productivity and my ego? What's worse is I had a great boyfriend who only wanted to help me and I wouldn't even admit that I had a problem because I could not let go of this FALSE image I had built with adderall. I would literally give ANYTHING to go back in time and change the path I took. It took months for the fog to clear after stopping but now having to see just how far down the rabbit hole that shit took me is almost more than I can bare. 9 months in, beautiful weather on a Saturday afternoon and I just want to go back to bed. FML
  12. Four Years Ago Today

    Wow, congratulations! 4 years is amazing. So grateful that some of you come back after all that time to encourage us to keep going and that it will eventually get better!
  13. New Hobbies

    Has anyone taken up any new hobbies since quitting adderall? I recently joined an indoor rock climbing gym with the hopes of training and learning to actually go outside. Really enjoying it so far and excited to throw myself into something new. I think working towards new goals works amazing in taking my mind off of everything else going on.
  14. Quitting before a deadline

    If it's just a week away, I would say use it to finish out your thesis, and then quit. The first few weeks coming off are brutal, and I would not recommend it with a deadline. Youre right in saying that the lifestyle is not worth it, but don't subject yourself to unnecessary torture. Once you finish the thesis, try to take a few days off completely to sleep of the worst of it.
  15. I feel your pain, its horrible!! I feel so uncomfortable in everything :(. I managed to lose about 15 lbs at one point in my quit, but I ended up gaining it all back plus some! FML