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About Nicole88

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  1. Hello, I'm Mr. 75%

    Loved this post! Congrats on a years! That is huge
  2. Trying to get off adderall without CRASHING

    We all definitely understand this struggle. Unfortunately, as cheerio mentioned, I don't think there is really any way to completely avoid the crash. The good news is that you have already been able to quit for 3 months. That is HUGE! It takes time, but it is worth it! There is so much great support and advice on these forums. You really can do this
  3. Checking In

    Hey, I have definitely experienced these visual delays too but it has gradually gotten better. I work in a in a FinTech kind of role, and I will tell you that months 3-5, I quite frankly did not think I was going to make it (month 1 I was on leave and month 2 I just had zero expectation of myself and was just happy for getting through the day). Most of the time I literally would just stare at the computer screen unable to do much of anything. I actively starting planning a strategy to leave, going as far as discussing moving back in with my dad and going back to school to change careers. I just kept thinking 'what have I done with my life?' Fortunately things really started to improve around the 6th month- I was able to get through entire days at an acceptable productivity level without too much anguish. I now feel like I can at least stick this out for another year and re-evaluate then. I've read a lot of the different timelines that people have posted and I would say that you can expect significant progress through the first year, and even after that. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it really does improve
  4. 8 months!

    So tomorrow marks 8 months of freedom from adderall. I seriously cannot believe it- I did not think I could live without it. For a long time, I was sure it would kill me and to be honest, I didn't care. When it was good, it was great, but once it turns on you, there's no going back. The good times were long gone, and I was living my own personal hell. Even then, I couldn't see a way out. Things came crumbling down around me, and I was lucky that in a moment of clarity and utter desperation, I saw just how much worse it was going to get if I didn't make a drastic change. I had to admit complete defeat to my family, my boss, and the few friends I had left. I was incredibly fortunate enough to take four weeks of FMLA leave to go to rehab. It was the most humbling experience of my life to admit that this illusion I built around my life was a complete lie. I wish that had actually been the hard part, but of course, the real test has been back home and at work. It has been tremendously challenging, but I continue to see progress, although like it has been mentioned so many times before, it is not a linear process. Ive still got so far to go and so many consequences im still dealing with, but all I can do is take it one day at a time. Anyways I just wanted to celebrate this milestone and reflect on the what has really been the hardest time in my life. I also plan on posting my full story soon. I am so incredibly grateful for these forums, the support here is unparalleled.
  5. Chicago

    I would love to have a meet up if anyone else from Chicago is still on here! Let me know
  6. Glad you are doing better! It is definitely a process. There will be lots of bad days, but the good ones help to hold onto hope! I also put a lot of roadblocks in my way when I quit because I knew that was the only way I was going to actually be able to. I could not imagine having a bottle in my house. I'm certain I would have relapsed by now. i actually made an appt with my old psychiatrist about 5 months or so after I had quit to ask her to put me on some kind of anti depressant cause I thought I was seriously going to lose it. She must have forgotten that I told her I was in a rehab and to not give me any more prescriptions because I walked in and she told me 'I knew you'd be back, you need to be on these medications.' I couldn't even stop her and I walked out with scripts in hand. I'll NEVER forgot how absolutely consuming and powerful the physical craving was. My heart was pounding and I could barely breathe. It literally took every ounce of willpower and sense I had left to not fill those scripts. I just kept telling myself don't fill these tonight, you can fill them tomorrow while my addict brain kept telling me that it would fix everything and it would be different this time. I ripped them up the next morning and never went back. I am sooooo grateful now that I made it through that and it terrifies me how easy it was to get the script again. I think that experience has helped me a lot though because I see that no matter how it feels in the moment, that I will later regret it. It does get easier p.s. no idea how I got into such a ramble there lol
  7. Do People Know?

    I feel like I kept it hidden very well up until about the last year. my skin was super pasty, hair was thinning, eyes always dilated and clenching my jaw! Felt like such a crackhead. On top of it I started breaking out in hives every day on my face and chest in the afternoon like clockwork. I think this was more a result of the drinking than the adderall but who knows! I've asked a couple of coworkers whom I've told the truth and they both say that they never suspected anything. It truly surprises me but I tried to avoid contact most of the time! lol otherwise I was only confronted about it once- one of my exs friends said something about my pupils always being dilated which at the time I ignored but now it makes me cringe.
  8. Addict or just a junkie?

    I would also binge use and be forced into monthly detoxing before getting a refill. And I too would go back and forth with myself about whether or not it was really a problem. Over time I kept asking to up my dose and I would try desperately to make it last. It took A LOT of consequences for me to finally surrender to be honest lol. And really in the end I was hardly functioning without it, and my problems were starting to stare me in the face. I wish I could have heeded the warning signs and saved myself all of the grief, but I don't think anyone could have convinced me just how bad things would get. Even if it isn't a problem now but you fear it could be, let all of our stories save you the trouble in the future. I started taking it around 19 as well, and I am just getting clean at 27. I would give so much to go back in time and change it!
  9. My Full Story

    Thanks for sharing your story. I feel like all of us share so much in common! Stay strong!
  10. i was also ridiculously anti social at work. I always just felt too busy to spend more than like 30 seconds away from my desk! People would say they thought I was just a 'private person' which I suppose is better than the truth. In meetings, on the other hand, I was overconfident. A coworker that I've become friends with since getting clean has told me that I would talk so fast that I would seem irritated when people couldn't keep up with my train of thought! Lol it is so true too. Ughhh and I also had a VERY embarrassing job interview at a pretty prestigious consulting firm. Had been up all night 'preparing' for the interview. I'm sure I looked a HOT MESS and smelling like smoke and booze, barely able to form clear responses. Seriously humiliating. It is so hard to look back on the behavior and wonder how it went on so long.
  11. here again wtf

    Damn just realized I didn't even answer your original question lol. I think cold turkey is the best way. Using always seems to lead to just wanting more which I think makes tapering hard. Some people are able to taper down though.
  12. here again wtf

    I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. It is pretty much exactly the way I was. I always promised that I would cut down, this would be the last script, I would control it, I wouldn't drink so much, and that it would be different. I pretty much knew the way I used was a problem from the very beginning but the consequences weren't yet bad enough for me to quit. I pretty much had to lose everything, my relationship, my friends, the only thing I had left was my job and I was basically just popping pills all day there like a robot. I'd get home and drink myself into oblivion to take away the anxiety. Wake up the next day, feel like shit, and do it all over again. Our stories all seem to be very similar. Unfortunately the only way I was able to quit was by going to rehab because I just couldn't do it on my own. Best decision I ever made. I'm about 5 and a half months clean now, and while I'm grateful to be off of it, I am struggling. I go to NA and that helps. I would recommend checking out their meetings if you haven't already. And if it comes down to it, don't put rehab out of being a possibility. I never thought I would end up there but for me it was either that or pretty much my using and drinking was going to kill me. Good luck and keep us posted. It's tough getting of this but it can be done and there's a lot of evidence of that on this website.
  13. Extreme Bloating? Made it one week!

    I started a super clean diet around the 2 month mark. Pretty much fruits, veggies, and lean meats and was exercising regularly. I think it helped tremendously but only lasted about 6 weeks. The last month I'm just so hungry and fatigued. Also been consuming way too much caffeine lol. There's probably a correlation but can't seem to shake it. I also quit smoking in the last month, so that may also have some cause and effect for me. I'm trying to be kind to myself but nothing fits these days! So frustrating . I should invest in more sweaters lol
  14. Extreme Bloating? Made it one week!

    Hey, congrats on a week, that is huge! I know this struggle all too well, it happened pretty much every month when I ran out of my prescription a few weeks early 🙈. Your body should regulate itself pretty quickly, and you should have some relief soon. I think the standard recommendations would be fiber and probiotics. Do you drink coffee? Caffeine always helped me a lot too, probably because it's another stimulant I suppose. Anyways, best of luck! 😊