Nicole88

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About Nicole88

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    Chicago

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  1. Depression sets back in

    Yesterday was 11 months adderall free for me so just wanting to check in. I've been feeling pretty good these last few weeks. Happy that time also seems to go much faster than it did in the beginning. I did end up seeing my ex, and I finally got to tell him the truth about what was really going on when we were together. I definitely think that it has brought me a bit of closure and more acceptance for the situation. I also got together with some old friends and opened up to them about everything. Gosh it is so nice to have the unconditional support of good friends, don't know why I was so withdrawn for so long. Took a week vacation to myrtle beach which was REJUVENATING. I came back with a renewed motivation for continuing to work my way through the mess I've created. The nice weather is also helping and looking forward to some fun summer festivities. Hope all is well with everyone!! Keep on with good fight
  2. Discussed quitting with doctor?

    I called my doctor from rehab and told her to not prescribe it to me ever again. She did mention that she would 'Work with me" on my depression still but I didn't go back to see her (except for about 5 months later and she tried giving me adderall again, don't know if she forgot or what) but needless to say, that was my last time seeing her. I chose to tell her because I knew I needed to cut off the supply because there would be weak days ahead. I think it's very important to tell your doctor to have a successful quit, whether it be tapering or cold turkey, it somewhat keeps you accountable.
  3. Depression sets back in

    These forums have more or less become my way of journaling my experiences in recovery, so just want to get this out. I mentioned in my previous post that I had decided to reach out to some old friends. I decided to create a new Facebook (deactivated my old one years ago and figured I could use a clean slate). Well today, my ex texted me asking if I had created a new one thinking I had just deleted him from my last account. We hadn't talked for several months after he told me he was seeing someone new. It really crushed me even though I know that if I were him I would have left me too.,. We made small talk and I mentioned that I would really like the chance to explain some things, Ive talked about it on here before, but basically he never knew about my adderall addiction. He thought I had a drinking problem because of how much I was drinking when I came down. Even after a year, it literally takes everything I have to not completely break down when I talk to him. I don't know how long this will hurt for but I really pray that I can move past this and let go of all the guilt I've been carrying. Even though he says he forgives me I can't seem to forgive myself...
  4. My breakthrough... And testimony

    Ok, that makes sense. I remember my 'moment of clarity' as well. It was actually a beautiful thing to finally surrender and make the decision to stay this path come hell or high water. Come back to this post when the cravings resurface because they definitely will. Best of luck!
  5. Trouble with eye contact??

    Im pretty sure there's nothing we could say to make you change your mind. For several years, there was absolutely nothing that could have convinced me of the disaster that was in store for me. I would give ANYTHING to go back to the beginning and make the decision to heed the early warning signs. You've already taken notice of those, but the consequences aren't yet great enough, and I get that but you are so young, and you've only been on this a year. You can find another job and save yourself a lot of pain down the road. And if you really loved your job as you say, you wouldn't need it anyways. I didn't think I could do my job without it (adderall made me think what I do is fascinating when in reality, it's horribly tedious) and you know what, I hardly can which means this was the WRONG choice for me. I would have never been naturally driven to do what I'm doing, so now at 28 I'm looking at starting over. You don't want this, trust me lol. I also relate to taking adderall for depression, this will only work for awhile though, and when it's all said and done, it will be exacerbated x100. At least, that's been my experience. I do wish you well though. Good luck on your journey
  6. My breakthrough... And testimony

    When did you write this? I'm not sure I fully understand..
  7. Trouble with eye contact??

    Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. I really tried to avoid any kind of interaction with ppl while on it because It just felt so uncomfortable. In meetings at work, I remember being so conscious about how many times I was blinking. Like I had to remember to blink and then couldn't tell if I looked at twitchy as I felt lmao. I couldn't have even imagined going to a dance class while on it. It made me feel all around socially awkward.
  8. Quitting is a test of time.

    This is so great, Frank. No doubt this process can be painfully slow but glad you're finally making it out the other side. I am hoping for better days in the near future as well!
  9. Depression sets back in

    I just have to share this, because I literally cried tears of happiness this morning. My therapist had me do this personality test. It had one page for strengths and another for weaknesses. There were 4 adjectives going across and I had to pick the one that best described myself. She said to think back to when I was a child and not my current situation. I struggled so bad trying to figure it out because I still feel like I have identity crisis from the adderall. My mom helped me fill it out and it really made me realize that I've always been outgoing, loud, friendly and yea I've always been disorganized and messy and not too goal oriented. But overall, i was a fun person before this happened and was never the cold, isolated, serious person adderall made me. And the depression I've experienced since quitting doesn't define me either. While I've been sitting around thinking I've ruined my life and feeling guilty for all the years I neglected the relationships with the people closest in my life, all I needed to do was reach out and try to reconnect. I've been wondering how to make new friends when I already have a ton!! Like wth is wrong with me?!? lol I already reached out to two old friends today and have dinner plans with both of them. I know this probably seems like the lamest post, but I've been in such a dark place the last year that I couldn't imagine letting anyone in. Idk I hope this is the turning point I needed. I feel full of hope today and all it took was this simple personality quiz...
  10. SMART recovery

    I attended my first SMART recovery meeting tonight. I really enjoyed how conversational it was, and I felt extremely comfortable opening up about where I'm at. It was nice not feeling like I had to keep what I said within a strict belief system. I think I'm going to make it my primary program of recovery, though I'll probably still attend NA since there are so many more meetings available. Just wanted to share my experience in case anyone was curious about it
  11. When doing the bare minimum is not enough

    Bahahhhaha oh god, I can't even count the number of jobs I applied for and even those I went through with interviews for. My adderall fueled ego made me think I was invincible. Funny thing, though, is i never could take any of the opportunities because I knew how far gone I was in my addiction that at least in my current company I knew what I could get away with. I did, however, on TWO occasions threaten my boss that i would leave unless they matched the salary offers. Adderall is one hell of a drug, that's for sure lmao.
  12. When doing the bare minimum is not enough

    I put a game plan together and presented it to my VP today. She really liked it so meeting with CIO next to discuss next steps. I'm actually kind of excited to get this project underway now because I think it will be a really big milestone for me in my quit and gaining confidence in my abilities post adderall. Sorry for all of my dramatic posts, but I can't say there's won't be more! Lol I don't know why I still get so overwhelmed by things but I have noticed that when presented with a difficult task I still have this "must do it in the most epic way possible' mindset like I did on adderall. I have to keep reminding myself to just do what is asked and nothing more. I hope this reaction fades with time...
  13. When doing the bare minimum is not enough

    Thanks @Subtracterall. Faking it has gotten me this far so I'm sure it can carry me on in the future. I just hate that I still have like zero confidence since quitting. My ego was so inflated on adderall it's ridiculous lol! These forums have been my lifeline and it's such a relief to know that what were all going through is normal and that we can make it out the other side! Thanks for the encouragement
  14. Rehab for adderall addiction?

    Of course! Most places will not let you take your cell phone so that is something you have to find out ahead of time. Also, what I learned from my research is that the cost is pretty much the same regardless of the quality of the program so if you have a say, definitely do a bit of research. Of all the places I looked at, I went to what I considered the nicest one but it was actually the lowest out of pocket cost for me and they also payed for airfare. Basically, if you have private insurance you can almost always get in anywhere and the price is negotiable.
  15. Rehab for adderall addiction?

    Hello and welcome! i went through a 4 week inpatient program. I was also coming off of alcohol and benzos so it was not hard to get it approved as medically necessary. I had a 10 day detox and benzo taper which really kept me comfortable. Your experience will vary greatly depending on the program you go through. I researched a ton of places when I was looking (in hindsight, I was incredibly paranoid at the time and I literally did not trust anyone and was sure they were all setting me up and I was going to get a $20k bill or something LOL!) I eventually settled on the only place that was willing to give me a written contract stating they would not balance bill me since I was using out of network benefits. They held true to their word and the rehab was WONDERFUL! It allowed me to take a step back from my life (which was literally falling apart by the minute) and just put some time between me and all of the using. It was more like a 4 week vacation than anything, I was able to bring my cellphone and laptop, we did yoga and meditation on the beach, they took us to the gym and weekend field trips, I wish I could go back to be honest. I was so scared prior to going, but having gone through it I could not reccommend it more if it is an option. Had I not had insurance, it would not have been an option for me and I would probably have taken the FMLA and detoxed at home. Still trying to work just was not viable. Lots of people on here have done it on their own so that is definitely possible as well!