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Everything posted by NotToday

  1. For me, I was pretty much driven to the point where I had no other choice. i had neglected every aspect of my life in order to keep my addiction going, and the reality of the situation came crashing down around me within a matter of a few months. My ex kicked me out, I maxed out every credit card I had, found myself drinking at extremely questionable hours, was stuck in a never ending binge/withdrawal 2 week cycle living for my next refill, developed strange health issues, destroyed my teeth and the list goes on and on.... I knew I could not keep the pace for much longer and checked myself into rehab before I lost everything. I wish that things didn't have to get to the point they did, but I truly don't think I would have quit any other way. I DID NOT want to quit, but I also knew the future was looking extra bleak if I didn't. It's going to take me a long time to completely recover from the years of wreckage I created, but I am doing it, one day at a time. Quitting was the best thing I could have ever done for myself, and even in the mess I've created, I truly feel happy for the first time in almost a decade. Life is crazy like that...

    I will be in San Diego October 24th-29th for a work conference. Would love to meet up with any QA friends in the area
  3. Hand Termors

    I definitely experienced tremors, in both my hands and feet. However, I think mine were mostly alcohol related as I was drinking an obscene amount of alcohol to ease the comedown.. they went away almost immediately after quitting.,.
  4. Almost 4mo off and miserable

    Hi Eric! Welcome to the boards. I have been off of adderall for a little over 14 months after about 8 years of use. If you look back at some of my posts, you'll see I went through this EXACT phase at 4 months. In fact, months 4-6 were the absolute worst for me. I was quite literally on the verge of a mental breakdown where I was ready to quit my job, say fck everything, and move back in with my parents lol: I think diet, exercise, and some supplements certainly can help, but the best thing is to just focus on getting though one day at a time. I know it feels like it will NEVER get better, but it does and there is so much evidence on this site from ppl who have quit long term. I personally saw improvements in months 7-9, but the real turn around where I started to feel like a normal person again came in month 10. It's been consistently improving since then, and I think of adderall less and less. Best of luck to you, and keep us posted on your progress
  5. 14 months!! :)

    Hey QA friends!! Just doing a check in for my 14 month milestone tomorrow!! I'm happy to report that I am still doing well, to my own surprise. Honestly, it feels like the last 4 months or so have been a cosmic shift from the first 10 months of my quit. Don't get my wrong, my life situation is still a mess as a result of my adderall/alcohol/benzo use. I think the main difference now is my confidence and belief in my ability to get through this. I honestly spent the first 10 months consumed with so much guilt and self-hatred that I wasn't doing much more than laying around waiting/hoping to die. I'm sure this sounds extreme, but life hardly felt worth living. I at least now have hope for the future and have tasted a glimpse of what it could be like. The gratitude I feel for overcoming this addiction is indescribable, and I feel like it has given me an appreciation for life that I never could have had without this experience, and for that, I am forever thankful!!!
  6. 16 Months!

    Glad to hear how well you're doing. I have to say as I trail slightly behind you that I have found our recovery to be very similar. I could not agree more with your statement about not beating up on yourself. Doing that kept me in the darkest place I've ever been in my life for nearly 9 months. When I finally just gave myself a bit of understanding and forgiveness, my recovery really took a 180. I also agree with not thinking about adderall unless it's in a 'omg I can't believe that was my life' kind of way lol. Keep up the great work
  7. Just Got Dumped

    First of all, congratulations on a year!!! Gosh, that is huge. I know I don't need to remind you that adderall nor alcohol will make the situation any better, as tempting as they may sound. I definitely understand the pain you are feeling right now. You may have seen in some of my posts that a breakup has been my biggest struggle this past year as well, though it was about 3 months prior and really the motivating force that led to my quit. I understand how much it hurts, and really the only thing that is going to heal it is time. In the meantime, focus on yourself, be proud of how far you've come, and stay on track. If you need or want to talk about anything, I am all ears
  8. My Struggle As A Stripper

    That's awesome, @Lovebear. Congrats!!!!
  9. CBT experiences anyone?

    I know there's even a bunch on iBooks. I need to look for one that my therapist had given me. Would hate to recommend one that isn't great. i would definitely take up your college counselor!!! Why not if it's free!!! It's way too expensive without the insurance coverage so I get that for sure. I know my insurance gladly covers therapy if it means keeping me out of rehab which carries a way bigger price tag... might be worth mentioning to them.. Let us know how it goes!!!
  10. Adderall caused thyroid/adrenal issues?

    For me, everything started to improve around the 10th month. Both my depression and health significantly got better and continue to as I approach 13 months I'm still way chubbier than I'd like to be but I just feel overall 1000000x better than I did in the early stages...
  11. LOVE this post. This is honestly a fool proof plan, all it takes is the commitment to follow it!!! Cutting off the supply is imperative, although my doctor actually tried to put me back on everything even after I went to rehab and told her to never prescribe it to me again!!! You can also always find a new doctor...The only thing that saved me was the fact I had told all of my friends, family, and even boss about the situation so I had someone to keep me accountable other than myself. Those two things alone are the only reasons I believe my quit stuck!!! Everything else was a matter of surviving the process lol
  12. CBT experiences anyone?

    It's really just a therapy technique so most therapists/psychologists/social workers should have some training it it. I personally saw a LCSW, and it was luckily covered by my insurance. There are a lot of workbooks on the topic tho, and it is proven to be a very effective method if you can stay committed to the process. Definitely don't need someone to walk you through it as they are very easy concepts to grasp. I definitely think it made all the difference in some of the gains I've made in the past few months so worth a shot
  13. CBT experiences anyone?

    CBT is all about recognizing your negative thoughts and turning them around before acting on them. In my experience, you can't always tell it's even CBT, but I do know that therapy helped me TREMENDOUSLY!! They will definitely help you in more than one area as well. I personally have tons of issues lmao!! They will go over all of that with you and decide the best things to work on
  14. Accidentally posted last topic before I had finished. Anyways, Ive been lurking these boards for awhile and soooo grateful to know that I'm not alone or crazy in the way I've been feeling. A little about me... I started taking adderall around age 19-20, I'm now 27. It started by just taking one here and there, to study for finals or write a paper. Like everyone else, I thought that adderall and I were going places and I could quite literally conquer the world. I soon got my own prescription and it was off to the races. I ignored the side effects for a long time because hey, I was doing well in school, didn't mind working long bar tending hours, and was losing weight too. I already had a full time job in my industry (finance and accounting) during my senior year and just finished out the degree with night and weekend classes. I continued to get another two promotions in the next few years all the while my addiction started to spiral out of control. After years of drinking myself to sleep, I asked my doctor for a Xanax prescription (for the panic attacks, of course.) once I had this, I didn't even bother trying to moderate how much adderall I popped during the day because I knew the Xanax would let me sleep. I continued binge drinking on a nightly basis because of the anxiety I would get coming down then followed by the Xanax. I knew it was killing me but I couldn't see a way out. i finally checked myself into rehab about 4 and a half months ago. Now I'm home and still off of everything, but all my fears about being absolutely useless at work have become true. i forced myself to take on a career that is so opposite of my personality. I spent years pretending to be something I'm not, and man is it a reality check. Anyways, sorry to ramble, but has anyone completely changed careers after quitting? I've really been contemplating moving back in with my Parents and going back to school. This is the last place I wanted to be at 27, especially after being on my own for so long but I just feel so miserable. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  15. I am so happy I have a record of my experiences through this quit process, otherwise I don't think I'd fully comprehend how much progress I've really made. My department is hiring another person for my same role due to the amount of work/projects we have going on right now. My boss asked me today if I would be interested in a promotion to the lead for my division!!!! Who would have known that I actually could still be great at what I do without adderall?!?! I'm seriously blown away and just wanted to post this for anyone else who is still in the early stages struggling. I know it can feel like things will NEVER improve, I really didn't think they would... so grateful for what feels like a second chance at life
  16. Where is everyone from?

    Chicagoland area here
  17. Chicago

    Hey @Max Meadows! I am in the Chicagoland area, northwest Indiana to be specific but def up for meet ups stills. I'm also a few weeks shy of 13 months
  18. Snorting ~150mg Adderall every day that I can

    I have to agree with Frank on this. It's great that you are doing so well, but to think you won't have weak days is foolish. I would recommend tossing them as well.
  19. OMGGGG 1 YEAR!!!

    Congrats!! 3 months is huge!!! Just keep coming back to the boards when things get tough!!! It gets so much better!!
  20. OMGGGG 1 YEAR!!!

    Tomorrow officially marks 1 year adderall free!!! Writing the post today since I won't be around tomorrow, and I'm almost too excited to wait anyways!!! All I can say is I NEVER thought I would see this day, but I am grateful beyond words for having closed that chapter of my life. There was a point when I honestly thought that using would kill me and I didn't even care, I just didn't think quitting was possible. I could never thank the ppl on these boards enough for encouraging me to push on when it felt like I could not go another day. This year has been the most brutally painful of my life, but I am finally coming out the other side. I am also so excited to see what the future brings as I've learned from the boards that I can still expect improvements well into the second year!! I haven't been on much the last couple of months, but I am so incredibly happy to report that my depression has been almost non existent. While I certainly still struggle with motivation at work and around the house, and I'm also not at all content with my weight, I can attribute much of the gains I've made to rebuilding old relationships and staying very busy this summer. I've also started seeing someone new and I think that has helped a lot with getting over my ex (who I've mentioned in several posts). I just can't beat myself up anymore over the mistakes I've made, time to move forward!!! Im going to try to make a timeline of my experience, but I'll say what has been said so many times before- it is not a linear process!! I've had good and bays throughout, and I've had many times where I thought I had made significant progress only to fall back into a deep depression. Month 1- I was fortunate enough to be able to take FMLA for 4 weeks and go to rehab. This definitely made coming off easier (adderall, benzos, and alcohol) as I was on a 10 day benzo taper that kept me very comfortable. I put on about 15-20 lbs but didn't care too much as I was just happy to get off the shit. Not having any responsibilities to worry about also lessened the blow. Months 2-3- I tried to keep the momentum going when I got home. I ate very well during this time and was going to the gym often. I lost much of the weight I gained in rehab during this time. I pretty much had zero expectations for myself at work and allowed myself to do the bare minimum with no guilt. This honestly just helped me to survive this period. There was definitely depression, but I was still feeling such gratitude for having gotten off adderall that I was able to ignore it. Months 3-6- This was the worst period for me. I started to worry that I would never have motivation again and that I would not be able to do my job without. I had several meltdowns during this time where I was ready to say fck it all, quit my job, move back in with my parents and start over. I gained back all the weight I had lost plus some and just fell into a terrible depression. My routine was pretty much go to work, go home and retreat to my bedroom. I spent the weekends isolated at home as well and it spiraled down quickly. I saw my old doctor during this time who tried to put me back on everything, and I came very close to relapsing!! Thank god for these boards for giving me some kind of hope that I would see better days. Months 7-10- I honestly would have diagnosed myself as bipolar during this time(and I actually did receive that diagnosis!! Lol) I was so up and down, having several good days only to have the depression come crashing back down. I stayed very close to the boards to remind myself that what I was experiencing was normal and that hopefully I was very close to some stability!! I also started seeing a new counselor which helped TREMENDOUSLY!! She gave me the motivation I needed to move past the guilt I was feeling, rebuild my social life, and put myself back out there. Months 11-12- I reconnected with a bunch of old friends and started dating a bit. Honestly kept myself too busy but was at least happily distracted from everything else that had happened this past year. Depression has almost disappeared completely. I'm also finally trying to build some better habits, get this weight off, and doing some planning for the future!! I hope everyone is well, and to all those new on the boards, a better life is possibly!!! Yes it is going to suck, and there will be tons of sacrifices, but you do not have to live this way forever!!
  21. OMGGGG 1 YEAR!!!

    Thanks Frank!!
  22. Depression sets back in

    Every time I think I am making progress I just fall right back into this pit of despair. I'm sick of this depression and I can't help but wonder sometimes if I fucked my brain up for good. I feel so alone and it really is all my fault because I chose to spend years isolating myself on this horrible fucking drug. I had a great life at one point and i threw it all away, and for what?! For the sake of productivity and my ego? What's worse is I had a great boyfriend who only wanted to help me and I wouldn't even admit that I had a problem because I could not let go of this FALSE image I had built with adderall. I would literally give ANYTHING to go back in time and change the path I took. It took months for the fog to clear after stopping but now having to see just how far down the rabbit hole that shit took me is almost more than I can bare. 9 months in, beautiful weather on a Saturday afternoon and I just want to go back to bed. FML
  23. Depression sets back in

    Yesterday was 11 months adderall free for me so just wanting to check in. I've been feeling pretty good these last few weeks. Happy that time also seems to go much faster than it did in the beginning. I did end up seeing my ex, and I finally got to tell him the truth about what was really going on when we were together. I definitely think that it has brought me a bit of closure and more acceptance for the situation. I also got together with some old friends and opened up to them about everything. Gosh it is so nice to have the unconditional support of good friends, don't know why I was so withdrawn for so long. Took a week vacation to myrtle beach which was REJUVENATING. I came back with a renewed motivation for continuing to work my way through the mess I've created. The nice weather is also helping and looking forward to some fun summer festivities. Hope all is well with everyone!! Keep on with good fight
  24. Discussed quitting with doctor?

    I called my doctor from rehab and told her to not prescribe it to me ever again. She did mention that she would 'Work with me" on my depression still but I didn't go back to see her (except for about 5 months later and she tried giving me adderall again, don't know if she forgot or what) but needless to say, that was my last time seeing her. I chose to tell her because I knew I needed to cut off the supply because there would be weak days ahead. I think it's very important to tell your doctor to have a successful quit, whether it be tapering or cold turkey, it somewhat keeps you accountable.
  25. Depression sets back in

    These forums have more or less become my way of journaling my experiences in recovery, so just want to get this out. I mentioned in my previous post that I had decided to reach out to some old friends. I decided to create a new Facebook (deactivated my old one years ago and figured I could use a clean slate). Well today, my ex texted me asking if I had created a new one thinking I had just deleted him from my last account. We hadn't talked for several months after he told me he was seeing someone new. It really crushed me even though I know that if I were him I would have left me too.,. We made small talk and I mentioned that I would really like the chance to explain some things, Ive talked about it on here before, but basically he never knew about my adderall addiction. He thought I had a drinking problem because of how much I was drinking when I came down. Even after a year, it literally takes everything I have to not completely break down when I talk to him. I don't know how long this will hurt for but I really pray that I can move past this and let go of all the guilt I've been carrying. Even though he says he forgives me I can't seem to forgive myself...