NotToday

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Everything posted by NotToday

  1. My breakthrough... And testimony

    When did you write this? I'm not sure I fully understand..
  2. Trouble with eye contact??

    Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. I really tried to avoid any kind of interaction with ppl while on it because It just felt so uncomfortable. In meetings at work, I remember being so conscious about how many times I was blinking. Like I had to remember to blink and then couldn't tell if I looked at twitchy as I felt lmao. I couldn't have even imagined going to a dance class while on it. It made me feel all around socially awkward.
  3. Quitting is a test of time.

    This is so great, Frank. No doubt this process can be painfully slow but glad you're finally making it out the other side. I am hoping for better days in the near future as well!
  4. Depression sets back in

    I just have to share this, because I literally cried tears of happiness this morning. My therapist had me do this personality test. It had one page for strengths and another for weaknesses. There were 4 adjectives going across and I had to pick the one that best described myself. She said to think back to when I was a child and not my current situation. I struggled so bad trying to figure it out because I still feel like I have identity crisis from the adderall. My mom helped me fill it out and it really made me realize that I've always been outgoing, loud, friendly and yea I've always been disorganized and messy and not too goal oriented. But overall, i was a fun person before this happened and was never the cold, isolated, serious person adderall made me. And the depression I've experienced since quitting doesn't define me either. While I've been sitting around thinking I've ruined my life and feeling guilty for all the years I neglected the relationships with the people closest in my life, all I needed to do was reach out and try to reconnect. I've been wondering how to make new friends when I already have a ton!! Like wth is wrong with me?!? lol I already reached out to two old friends today and have dinner plans with both of them. I know this probably seems like the lamest post, but I've been in such a dark place the last year that I couldn't imagine letting anyone in. Idk I hope this is the turning point I needed. I feel full of hope today and all it took was this simple personality quiz...
  5. SMART recovery

    I attended my first SMART recovery meeting tonight. I really enjoyed how conversational it was, and I felt extremely comfortable opening up about where I'm at. It was nice not feeling like I had to keep what I said within a strict belief system. I think I'm going to make it my primary program of recovery, though I'll probably still attend NA since there are so many more meetings available. Just wanted to share my experience in case anyone was curious about it
  6. When doing the bare minimum is not enough

    Bahahhhaha oh god, I can't even count the number of jobs I applied for and even those I went through with interviews for. My adderall fueled ego made me think I was invincible. Funny thing, though, is i never could take any of the opportunities because I knew how far gone I was in my addiction that at least in my current company I knew what I could get away with. I did, however, on TWO occasions threaten my boss that i would leave unless they matched the salary offers. Adderall is one hell of a drug, that's for sure lmao.
  7. I have to admit that I have, to my own surprise, been able to make it 10 months with VERY little output at work. I luckily had a great reputation and a very good relationship with my boss, so my first few months back from rehab, no one bothered me too much. I've managed to avoid as many assignments as possible, and basically my routine has been procrastinate for several days, maybe even weeks, then realize I need to put something out and get a burst of motivation under pressure and push out something that looks like it could have legitimately taken awhile to produce. This has been working just fine, and while I do miss the feeling of daily productivity, my main objective this past year has been to just survive. Unfortunately, I've just been assigned a huge project that requires me to lead a team of senior management. Adderall me would have jumped at the opportunity, but the real me is literally full of dread. I cannot bullshit my way through this, and I am almost paralyzed with anxiety on how I'm going to get through it. I can't even seem to produce an action plan/timeline. These are the kinds of things that make me realize just how far down the wrong path adderall has taken me. Adderall made me think I enjoyed this shit, but the reality is I cannot fucking stand it. I keep hoping that if I can just stick it out that maybe it won't be so bad. I can't afford a pay cut so I'm pretty much stuck for the time being anyways. I feel like I would do so much better in a career like nursing, I would just be busy all day and when I left, the work day would end. I wouldn't have these projects that I take home with me and that stress me out for months on end. I never enjoyed school so the fact that adderall made me think I would enjoy an office job still baffles me. There is no real purpose to this point, but I suppose I just wanted to get that out!
  8. When doing the bare minimum is not enough

    I put a game plan together and presented it to my VP today. She really liked it so meeting with CIO next to discuss next steps. I'm actually kind of excited to get this project underway now because I think it will be a really big milestone for me in my quit and gaining confidence in my abilities post adderall. Sorry for all of my dramatic posts, but I can't say there's won't be more! Lol I don't know why I still get so overwhelmed by things but I have noticed that when presented with a difficult task I still have this "must do it in the most epic way possible' mindset like I did on adderall. I have to keep reminding myself to just do what is asked and nothing more. I hope this reaction fades with time...
  9. When doing the bare minimum is not enough

    Thanks @Subtracterall. Faking it has gotten me this far so I'm sure it can carry me on in the future. I just hate that I still have like zero confidence since quitting. My ego was so inflated on adderall it's ridiculous lol! These forums have been my lifeline and it's such a relief to know that what were all going through is normal and that we can make it out the other side! Thanks for the encouragement
  10. Rehab for adderall addiction?

    Of course! Most places will not let you take your cell phone so that is something you have to find out ahead of time. Also, what I learned from my research is that the cost is pretty much the same regardless of the quality of the program so if you have a say, definitely do a bit of research. Of all the places I looked at, I went to what I considered the nicest one but it was actually the lowest out of pocket cost for me and they also payed for airfare. Basically, if you have private insurance you can almost always get in anywhere and the price is negotiable.
  11. Rehab for adderall addiction?

    Hello and welcome! i went through a 4 week inpatient program. I was also coming off of alcohol and benzos so it was not hard to get it approved as medically necessary. I had a 10 day detox and benzo taper which really kept me comfortable. Your experience will vary greatly depending on the program you go through. I researched a ton of places when I was looking (in hindsight, I was incredibly paranoid at the time and I literally did not trust anyone and was sure they were all setting me up and I was going to get a $20k bill or something LOL!) I eventually settled on the only place that was willing to give me a written contract stating they would not balance bill me since I was using out of network benefits. They held true to their word and the rehab was WONDERFUL! It allowed me to take a step back from my life (which was literally falling apart by the minute) and just put some time between me and all of the using. It was more like a 4 week vacation than anything, I was able to bring my cellphone and laptop, we did yoga and meditation on the beach, they took us to the gym and weekend field trips, I wish I could go back to be honest. I was so scared prior to going, but having gone through it I could not reccommend it more if it is an option. Had I not had insurance, it would not have been an option for me and I would probably have taken the FMLA and detoxed at home. Still trying to work just was not viable. Lots of people on here have done it on their own so that is definitely possible as well!
  12. When doing the bare minimum is not enough

    I suppose that's true. I guess we will see how it goes. That is a bit encouraging that you still didn't feel that way at 10 months. Adderall seriously made me so enthusiasti about my job, I was always taking on new projects and was probably the most engaged employee they'd ever seen. I happily worked overtime and even came in on the weekends. Lol! It's like the complete opposite now, I'm pretty much always the last one in, leave as soon as I can, always taking lunches, always saying I'm too busy for more work etc... I feel like I am slowly burning through the reputation that I had built on adderall. I think they were giving me the benefit of the doubt, but I need to get my shit together here soon.
  13. Weight loss/Fitness Accountability

    Well my day 1 was a bust. Someone brought brownies into the office lol. I did make it to the gym tho
  14. Modafinil / provigil

    I, too, tried modafinil and managed to abuse it. Within a matter of days I was taking 3 to 4x the maximum recommended dose. i think the anxiety it gave me may have been worse than adderall and lasted even longer. I would also advise staying away from this drug and to not believe the 'no abuse/addiction potential' bs.
  15. So Annoyed

    So I went to see a new psychiatrist today. I was completely honest about my history of substance abuse, but told him about my struggles with depression, anxiety, and inability to manage my life since getting off adderall. While I had intended to say I wanted to try Wellbutrin, when he said the medication he was prescribing would not cause weight gain, I decided to give it a try. He gave me a two week sample and made a follow up appt at that time. Soooo I lookup this medication (Vraylar) when I leave, as it turns out it's an antipsychotic that they give to ppl with bipolar and schizophrenia. On top of that's, it's still under patent $1200 a month, $300 after insurance. Are they fucking crazy? I seriously have no faith anymore. They are just pushing the drugs that the vendors bring in... ugh! Calling back tomorrow and telling them to just give me the Wellbutrin! Fingers crossed because I really don't feel like having to wait another month to get in somewhere else. Ok rant over
  16. So Annoyed

    I should note that my discharge papers stated 'major depression' as the diagnosis, so hearing bipolar was news to me. No idea
  17. So Annoyed

    I heard back from the office. The doctor refuses to prescribe me Wellbutrin because he says I am bipolar. I've never had a manic episode in my life so now I am trying to figure out what I said that gave him that impression. I told them to forget it and have requested a copy of my charts from medical records. Annoyed that now I have to dispute this diagnosis. All of my in network providers are on the same EMR so I'm going to try and get it removed before I see my PCP. FML
  18. So Annoyed

    So true, I honestly don't even know why I gave him the benefit of the doubt after everything that's happened. I actually work for the same healthcare organization that this doc is employed by, so I guess I kind of wanted to believe that it would make him want to do the right thing. I just feel stupid now..
  19. So Annoyed

    Lol! It really is ridiculous. I should have just seen a GP, but if I'm being honest I've been scared about any damage I may have done from all the years of abusing adderall and the heavy drinking so I have been avoiding it. Sooner or later I'll need to face the music and get some tests done. Before I quit, when I would wake up my organs just literally did not feel right... idk... I don't notice it anymore but it still has me freaked out..
  20. So Annoyed

    Right! Honestly the more I read about this shit the more mad I get. He referred to it as a 'mood stabilizer' and said he gives it to females because it doesn't cause weight gain. It actually causes a TON of weight gain and pretty much should never be used as a first line treatment for depression because of how serious risk the side effects are, including BRIAN VOLUME LOSS! This particular drug's trials for depression already FAILED. Like wtf, does he just want to use me as a Guinea pig? He probably thinks my quality of life is so bad right now that it doesn't even matter. I am so disgusted, I called the office and flipped out. What's worse is now i do sound crazy, and they will just say I have depression with psychotic features and need this shit. Anyways, they said I will hear back after 5... UGH!!!
  21. One year down!

    Congratulations!
  22. Adderall and Alcohol

    I know exactly what you mean! its terrifying how much you can drink and 'feel fine.' My most horrifying day in my using, which I've been hesitant to share, was a result of this phenomenon (if you can call it that). My ex and a group of friends had gone to a baseball game that day and went out bar hopping afterwards. I had just gotten a bonus at work so I was also wanting to celebrate that. We ordered two bottles and I was drinking like a fish. We ended up getting kicked out, I can't even remember why, but my ex and I got into a pretty bad argument, so I got out of the car and started walking. Left my phone in the car... my ex sped off and by the time he came back to pick me up he couldn't find me (yea he shouldn't have been driving either) anyways, the next 8 hours that ensued were the worst of my entire life. I walked around the city looking like a lunatic. I tried getting a taxi but I had no money and I was over an hour away from home. I couldn't remember anyone's phone numbers and no one would help me. I was a hysterical TRAINWRECK. I somehow came up with the brilliant idea to find the train station and take a train home. This might have worked but I got on a train going the wrong fucking direction! They kicked me off of the train literally in the middle of nowhere and I just started walking back to the city skyline. I ended up getting picked up by some lot manager or something and by the GRACE OF GOD, I remembered my exs number at that time because i can't remember any number by heart. I wish I could say I got clean after this but it still took a couple of years and more disasters. I do not miss that at all!!!
  23. Depression sets back in

    Thanks @Danquit. It really does make me feel better. I truly believe if it weren't for this site, I would have relapsed by now. As miserable as this process has been, I can keep going knowing that it does get better. And wow, 1 year is a big one! Seriously, congrats!!
  24. Depression sets back in

    I met with a new counselor this morning. She's really easy to talk to. I'm excited to start working with her.