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Everything posted by NotToday

  1. Accidentally posted last topic before I had finished. Anyways, Ive been lurking these boards for awhile and soooo grateful to know that I'm not alone or crazy in the way I've been feeling. A little about me... I started taking adderall around age 19-20, I'm now 27. It started by just taking one here and there, to study for finals or write a paper. Like everyone else, I thought that adderall and I were going places and I could quite literally conquer the world. I soon got my own prescription and it was off to the races. I ignored the side effects for a long time because hey, I was doing well in school, didn't mind working long bar tending hours, and was losing weight too. I already had a full time job in my industry (finance and accounting) during my senior year and just finished out the degree with night and weekend classes. I continued to get another two promotions in the next few years all the while my addiction started to spiral out of control. After years of drinking myself to sleep, I asked my doctor for a Xanax prescription (for the panic attacks, of course.) once I had this, I didn't even bother trying to moderate how much adderall I popped during the day because I knew the Xanax would let me sleep. I continued binge drinking on a nightly basis because of the anxiety I would get coming down then followed by the Xanax. I knew it was killing me but I couldn't see a way out. i finally checked myself into rehab about 4 and a half months ago. Now I'm home and still off of everything, but all my fears about being absolutely useless at work have become true. i forced myself to take on a career that is so opposite of my personality. I spent years pretending to be something I'm not, and man is it a reality check. Anyways, sorry to ramble, but has anyone completely changed careers after quitting? I've really been contemplating moving back in with my Parents and going back to school. This is the last place I wanted to be at 27, especially after being on my own for so long but I just feel so miserable. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  2. 4 Years!

    Hey QA friends! Its been awhile since I last checked in, though I still browse the forums often. It makes me so happy to see the next generation of quitters reaching milestones and supporting each other in this crazy journey. Thursday will be 4 years since the day I checked myself into rehab. I’ve been feeling super emotional all week, just thinking back on where I was then and what it’s taken to get to where I am now. I still believe that my descent into addiction and the struggle to find a way out is the single most defining experience of my life. I never thought I’d see the day where I would feel comfortable with who I am and to be unashamed of my past, but I will freely talk about it to anyone who cares to hear the story. It is just a part of who I am, take it or leave it. Any advice worth giving has been given 100x over in the forums, but for what it’s worth, I still credit my ability to quit for good to the following: 1) cutting off the supply at the source 2) telling family, friends, coworkers and asking them to keep me accountable. Sharing my struggles and being honest about where I’m at 3) accepting that things will get worse before they get better, being willing to sacrifice whatever it takes knowing that it is the only way to secure a future worth living, including but not limited to job loss, weight gain, etc. Committing to staying quit NO MATTER WHAT 4) allowing myself to do the bare minimum, with the only goal being to get through the day ahead. Being kind to myself in the process 5) not projecting out into the future To all of you just starting out or in the depths of year 1/2, you’ve got this! It gets better, so so much better, you just have to give it time and know that what you’re going through is normal. It’s a painful process, but you can make it out the other side!
  3. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    I think you should look into the FMLA laws. I also used FMLA to go to rehab and I literally told them one day and left the next. I know one other person who has done the same for other mental health issues. I think chemical dependency qualifies as a serious health condition and shouldn't be subject to a waiting period or approval process.
  4. THREE YEARS!!!!!

    Thank you so much @DC011381! And congratulations to you!! You have made it through the hardest part! @Danquit Thank you! I totally agree on feeling recovered at this point but still reflecting on the experience. This has definitely shaped who I am as a person. And boy do I get the weight struggle. It has taken me two years to lose twenty pounds!! Lol so glad to hear you are still doing well. @m34 thank you!! You can do this! @EricP thank you!! As for improvement between years 2 and 3, it's hard to say. I am infinitely happier now than I was at the two year point, but I'm not sure if that is because of the good things that have happened over the last year or if it is because more time has passed. I do think that life in general improves simply because you are living your life true to yourself. I look forward to seeing your year 3 update!
  5. THREE YEARS!!!!!

    Hey QA friends! Hope everyone had a great 4th! It has been awhile since I've posted, but Tuesday will officially mark 3 years off of adderall!!! I remember reading the posts of those who were reaching 3, 4, 5 years and beyond and how unattainable that seemed in the early days of my quit. While there is no easy way to get through this process, if you commit to staying quit no matter what life throws your way, these milestones will be reached, and quicker than you'd imagine. Adderall becomes but a distant memory, along with a life you used to live. My life is truly great these days, certainly not perfect, but I can say that I am both happy and optimistic about the future. I finished my first year of grad school, got a promotion (the second since getting clean), and have found my soulmate who I can't wait to build a life with. Most importantly though, I am happy with myself and so proud of the person I have become. None of this would have been possible if I were still on adderall. I was a shell of a person, isolated, empty, nothing more than a slave to a little orange pill. Quitting has and probably will always be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I will never forget the agony and the despair of that first year when suicide seemed like the only way out. I feel so deeply for all of you who are going through this right now. It's not in your head, you're not crazy, this shit really is that miserable!! So miserable! Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to do (or not do) what you need to get through this. I promise you that the life you deserve is waiting for you on the other side.
  6. What are your experiences with rehab centers?

    Does the person have insurance? These places all charge a ton, but my insurance covered everything but the diagnostics, which came out to a few hundred dollars. I could never have afforded to go on my own. I don't have any personal experience with other locations, but if they have insurance, I would recommend finding a rehab placement service. These services work with several centers to match you with one that will accept your insurance at the lowest out of cost pocket. This was how I found Monarch shores. I checked and saw that the one I used is no longer in business, so I do not have any personal recommendations for that. Never alone recovery looks like they use a very similar process, though.
  7. What are your experiences with rehab centers?

    I had a wonderful experience going to rehab in California. The center I went to was called Monarch Shores and was essentially just a beautiful beach home with a bunch of roomies. It did not at all feel like an institution, and I was able to bring my cell phone and laptop as well. We had regular outings, yoga, etc. The kitchen was stocked so that we could cook for ourselves, and they would also make weekly trips to the store for special requests. They accepted my insurance and I had to only pay for diagnostics. If you would like any more info, don't hesitate to reach out.
  8. Anyone interested in doing an accountability group where we can post our exercise/diet goals for the week and then check in to see how we've done? Today marks 10 months for me, and I literally have no excuses left at this point for being so damn lazy all the time. My goals this week are to make my back to back cardio then weights classes two nights and to hit the rock climbing gym twice. As for food, my goal is to cut out all the extra candy I am always grabbing off of my bosses desk! Lol small steps here..
  9. 3 years!!!

    Congrats @bluemoon! So glad you checked in, I had wondered how you were doing. It seems everyone nearing 3 years and beyond is doing extremely well which hopefully continues to motivate those just starting out. Take care
  11. I have lost my mind

    You are only a few months into this thing. If you quit now, I promise you that you will save yourself years, if not a decade, of grief. Early abuse is a very strong indicator of where you will be headed, especially since you are mixing alcohol. Im hoping you have already read some of the horror stories on this site and know what you need to do. No doubt it will suck, but if you need to, just take some time of of school. It will be easier than taking time off your future career/job I can also promise you that. Nothing like going to your employer telling them you are taking fmla to go to rehab.
  12. 3 Years! (kinda)

  13. Hey friends! I have been meaning to make this post for awhile. Some may remember from my early posts that I was a poly substance abuser- adderall, benzos, and alcohol. Adderall was obviously my first love and everything else was either to ease the come down or enhance the effects of it. While I have been off of adderall and the benzos for about 26 months now, I continued to struggle with periodic episodes of binge drinking. This was always a concern of mine since alcoholism runs heavily in my family but I just never talked about it much on this site since it was not causing too serious of issues other than a hangover. About 6 months ago, I started taking a new medication- naltrexone, which essentially REVERSES alcoholism by blocking the receptors that the endorphins released by alcohol act on. Since this time, I have not had a single binge drinking episode, hangover, regret or embarassment caused by alcohol. I am able to walk away after 1-2 drinks with zero issues. It has truly been life changing for me and I wanted to share since I know there are others who may struggle with this as well. I know for many on this site, total abstinence is the goal, and I think that is great but it is nice to know that there are other options available. Many who use the Sinclair method do have abstinence as the end goal which is facilitated by this process since cravings are eliminated as the addiction to alcohol is reversed. if anyone would like more information, there is a documentary on Amazon prime called 'one little pill' and also a tedx talk by Claudia Christian 'how I overcame alcoholism.' Hope everyone is well
  14. It really is, and no it is super cheap. I used the good Rx app and it ended up being ~$20 for 30 pills which lasts several months. Congrats on 23 days! That is awesome and yea, I definitely wouldn't go back to drinking just to try it out but it is nice to know that the option exists. I just wish it was more well known because I think it could save so many people's lives, especially chronic alcoholics with multiple failed attempts as sobriety. It lets people find recovery on their own terms.
  15. Initially on TSM, I would drink every time i went out but over the last 6 weeks or so there have been several times where I did not have a drink and felt fine. No cravings or obsessions, I just simply did not feel like drinking. My best example of this would be Memorial Day this year. A group of friends and I spent the week in the outer banks, NC and had a great bash on the beach all day. I took my medication fully expecting to want to participate, but the day passed without me wanting a single drink. Through extinction, most people do get to a point of absolute indifference, but how long that takes varies from person to person.
  16. Of course, happy to share! My goal when I first started initially was not total abstinence. I really just wanted to be able to go out and not obsess about alcohol and to stop the binge drinking. Now that I am where I am in the process, I do see it as a possibility. But yes, many people start TSM with that goal and the reason is that over time, as you drink on this medication, since you no longer receive the positive reinforcement via an endorphin rush, you brain slowly converts back to a state where you have no emotional attachment to alcohol. This is what I mean when I say 'extinction.' This process can take anywhere from 3 months to 2 years depending on the person. Now that I pretty much get no pleasure from the drinking and I don't feel as drawn to it nor do I have the same intense cravings, I can see being totallly abstinent but the great thing is how it is no longer a struggle and I don't feel like I'm missing out. It just happens organically really and feels effortless compared to any prior attempts I had at reducing/stopping drinking.
  17. A few random last thoughts for anyone who might want to take this route: -Make sure you ask for 50mg naltrexone to be used via the Sinclair method protocol NOT vivitrol shots -Finding a support group similar to QA is incredibly powerful as not everyone has the same histories, current circumstances or experiences with the medication. A few I can recommend are AlcoholismMedication on Reddit, Options save lives forums, and 'The Sinclair Method Warriors' on FB
  18. @LILTEX41 Surprisingly, no, drinking did not make me want adderall. Though when I first quit, I was sober as well for about the first 6 months. This coupled with the fact that I really didn't have immediate access to adderall probably was a great help. And yes, that is exactly right. Naltrexone essentially kills the high. For me, drinking is a completely different experience and really hardly at all enjoyable. The greatest benefit for me wasn't at all 'hey, great, I can keep drinking,' it was that when I was completely abstinent that I would isolate from social events or old friends because I just couldn't be around it. I would always be thinking why can't I have just one, why am I so different. This is a problem unique to alcohol as it is literally in your face everywhere. Any temptations I had with going back to the pills was minimal or self-induced. But now, that is no longer an issue, and since I have been on this path for about 6 months, I would say I am very close to extinction. I no longer get random cravings for alcohol, and I no longer have obsessive thoughts in social situations about it. I probably have 1-2 drinks a month and would be fine with less. Quite frankly, this alone is a miracle lol. The medication itself has been around since the 80s with a ~78% success rate for treating AUD, which they believe most of the failure is due to non compliance. Basically, once you commit to doing this, you have to stick it out. One pill 60mins before you drink indefinitely. The most common side effect is nausea. The first few times I took it I felt HORRIBLE. Someone recommended I preload with Dramamine and problem solved!! The nausea subsided after a few weeks and it was no longer needed. The second thing anyone taking it should know is that it is an opiod antagonist, meaning it also blocks the effects of opioids. If you were to get into an accident, any opioids administered would have no effect. Any physician treating you would need to administer general anesthesia or use another pain treatment. Lastly, it will likely be difficult for you to get your PCP to prescribe you this medication. It is not well known, and well there just isn't any money in it as it's been off patent for years. It is only starting to gain traction now due to the documentary I mentioned and the C3 foundation. I heard about it years ago but couldn't find a doctor to prescribe it. Now you are able to use phone consults to get a prescription. I used
  19. Two Years!

    So happy to see this update today!! Congratulations
  20. TWO YEARS :)

    Hey QA friends! I can't believe I've finally made it to the elusive 2 year mark. I can see why a lot of people's activity on the forums seems to taper off at this point. I would say life is back to normal, or at least a new normal where my thoughts of adderall are few and far in between. I can't even begin to describe how starkly different years 1 and 2 were from each other. Year 1: depressed, suicidal, isolated, hopeless, seemingly endless weight gain Year 2: Feel natural motivation and happiness, have true and honest relationships, working towards and achieving goals- got a promotion, bought a house, studied for and crushed GMAT, applied to grad school and am starting MBA next month. Basically, i finally have all the things adderall promised but never delivered.. A huge thank you to everyone on this site who has been with me on this crazy journey. I absolutely could not have done it without the support of this community and am forever grateful. Hope everyone is well and adderall free!!
  21. TWO YEARS :)

    As cliche as it sounds, by just taking it one day at a time. Every time things would get difficult, I would ask myself 'Can i get through today, just today?' And the answer was always yes, so that is what I would do. Projecting too far out into the future would send me into a downward spiral. My life was an absolute disaster when I first quit, and I truly did not see how I was going to pull myself out of the situation. If you just continue moving in the right direction, you are going to eventually get where you want to go, but staying in the moment is so important for your sanity. Also accepting that things might get worse before they get better- committing to staying quit no matter what happens. You have to think long term when it comes to the recovery process because it really is a multi year affair, unfortunately. But, we are so lucky to have a community of people who have already gone through the process and can assure us that what we are experiencing is normal and that things DO get better. Stay close to the boards and check in often, you can do this too
  22. TWO YEARS :)

    Thanks Frank! Hope you are doing well! I don't see you around much these days but I'm guessing it is for that very reason. I am big on reminding myself of the hell that is adderall recovery too. I definitely lurk in the shadows around here but should post more. Hope your year 3 gets even better and keep us updated Thank you so much!! Hope you are well I was still super shaky at 1 year and very uncertain of the future. Everything you're going through is still completely normal, and you will be amazed at at the difference a year can make. Most of the things I mentioned were happening at 18 months and beyond so stick with it! Making it as far as you have is a huge accomplishment so don't downplay that. Keep us posted on your progress!
  23. 1 YEAR

    Congrats. This is a huge milestone!!!
  24. Wow, crazy how something like this can come out of nowhere. Did you have any suspicion prior to going out that she might be on it? Did you mention at any point your history with adderall? Just curious as to how the whole thing played out.
  25. Two years! I’m back baby!

    Congrats @Danquit!!! I always love your posts, and this one is no different. So happy for you making it to this next milestone in this journey