Everything posted by milkthistle
So, a little about me. I am a college undergraduate student about to graduate. I have been diagnosed with ADD my whole life, always did poorly academically. Was prescribed adderall at a pretty high dose 2-3 years ago regularly. Was taking as prescribed for a while, then bumped my dose up by myself. Started taking daily up to 150 mg within 10 hours. Something was seriously wrong with me. Worst part was, I didnâ€™t even do well while on it, I built up a strong tolerance, and I am pretty sure it affects you physiologically in a way that reduces you cognitive abilities and capacities. I quit cold turkey in May, after having taken it pretty much daily for a minimum of 60 mg IR daily, up to 150 mg IR daily, mightâ€™ve done 180 mg before, but it doesâ€™t matter. Small withdrawal, but I donâ€™t have an addictive personality, it was kinda easy. If anyone wants me to write more in-depth on how I did it, I can, but that would be a separate post on its own, as there was a lot of different things I did that helped a lot. I did have responsibilities, but I was willing to fail at those because taking addy to perform was not worth the toll on my health, and the downward spiral it would have caused. I was diagnosed with a heart arhythmia this summer, not sure if its related, will see my cardiologist in a month to follow-up. I failed my summer classes after quitting address. Spent a lot of days watching Netflix, lying in bed, playing video games, for months on end. Iâ€™m only posting here because Iâ€™m strongly tempted to do it again. I have 2 final exams tomorrow, and another final exam Tuesday. I am retaking a class that I failed last fall. I might fail this class a second time, I am so stressed and worriedâ€¦ My dream of going to professional school is essentially over, my grades have gone to shit, and I can barely do anything or focus. Man, addy practically ruined my life. Damn, I guess I will fail this class twiceâ€¦ At least I am passing my other 4 classesâ€¦ Hopefully with Bâ€™s. This is hard to get my motivation and discipline back, itâ€™s unfair versus people without ADD or people with stimulants that just sacrifice their health for their grades and results. DAMN IT, I want to take one so bad, my next exam I will surely failâ€¦ But itâ€™s not worth my health, and if I need addy to perform, then this isnâ€™t the right field for meâ€¦ Plus, thereâ€™s no guarantee taking it will even help me pass, Iâ€™d only get 10-11 hours of studying, and sacrifice sleep for tonightâ€¦ Writing this is actually helping me out, I guess Iâ€™m coming to terms with failing a class twice, even though this practically kills my dreams of grad school. Incidentally, this past week was the first time since I quit where I had ridiculous motivation (in contrast to right after I quit) to discipline. It wasnâ€™t enough to pass these exams, but it was a substantial increase from before. So Iâ€™m clearly getting better. Bad part is Iâ€™m using strattera and caffeine as a replacement stimulant, which I only started 2 weeks ago. I need to get 100% off stims, hopefully.
If you can cold turkey then go for it. Taper down otherwise. Why do you take it though? You're getting something out of it, maybe not apparent when glancin at your situation superficially, but if you reflect on this for a while you may come to some startling realizations about why you take it. I did get "high" when I took mine, but that was never the end goal. Discovering the core reasons you take it can help. I cold turkeyed 2ish years of taking it almost daily, ending towards dangerously high doses of 150-180? my per day. The fact that you realize you have a problem is an important step. Don't beat yourself up, your internal dialogue and self-talk makes a world of difference. When you fail, talk lovingly to yourself and accept that you're fallible, like everybody else. As for wanting to be a good person, forget that. You ARE a good person. Your heart and your motives are in the right place, even if the outcomes you achieve aren't quite there yet. Now work on manifesting this internal you into your external world.
milkthistle replied to NewYorkCity_11's topic in Tell your storyI'm 7 months in and having serious issues. This is my first time posting on these kinds of boards too. To be honest, I'm a bit surprised at the lack of feedback on my other thread ... Anyways, I'll post a reply in more detail wen I'm at a computer. I'm on my cell phone on an airplane right now (whoo!..). I'm definitely noticing significant improvements each month. I had a major scare this semester where I was going to fail 2-3 out of my 5 college classes and I was really tempted to take adderall. I decided against it though, and simply accepted that I was going to fail my classes and be in undergrad an additional year, my dreams of grad/professional schools are over with all my failing grades. Incidentally, I passed all of my classes this semester. Without adderall, big milestone.. gonna read the rest of your thread after I post this reply.