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About Groundhogdaze

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  1. My wake-up call

    Hi, I apparently set up an account some time ago and I don't even remember doing so. I have been taking Adderall and also often abusing it, since 2000 and I am now convinced this addiction is why I ended my marriage to a loving husband. I was in the throes of one of the stages; irritable, blaming, angry, depressed, anxious, confused, no motivation, living only to take the dose in the morning, and feeling the problems were my spouse's fault. I have been able to free myself from Adderall about three or four times but never permanently. I am currently unable to hold a job although I have a master's degree and I don't know myself. I can't make the simplest decision. I have become so depressed and anxious that I decided to try one more time to get off Adderall, about two or so weeks ago. The first time I went off, I was in rehab for something else and it was incidental to the other rehab. I was in Arizona and it was January. My bleeding painful fingertips healed while I was there and when I got home, I figured it was the warm, dry, weather. I eventually, rather quickly, got back on Adderall. Now, four years later, I'm free of Adderall for about one or two weeks; having tried to wean down the dose. I never attributed it to Adderall, but my feet and toes hurt and my thumb and fingertips had painful, bleeding, cracks/fissures that made it hard to hold a pen or type. So...two weeks into this experiment, now taking 30 mg/day of Cymbalta due to extreme depression, I notice...fissures are completely closed and healing like some magic thing happened! And it's winter and it's 0 degrees and I'm NOT in Arizona. I'm in the same weather that caused me to need gloves all the time and no amount of lotion would sooth the cracks. Oh, I also am now pre-diabetic and there is no diabetes in my family, I weigh 127#, and I eat green smoothies and whole grains, white meat chicken, a little chocolate now and then, etc. It's just weird. I looked up this site and wow, read the stages of adderall addiction and now I know why my anxiety has been off the charts. I had all of it; almost into the final brain damage phase. It's terrifying to me because even knowing how shitty I feel on Adderall, I am not sure I can abstain in the future. I was never able to stop it for more than a few days; a few weeks if lucky; and the one time, while in rehab for 10 weeks. I have to stay on this forum. I was at NA a few months ago and gave up trying to quit; getting that relief from use with the first dose; then the second day, no sleep and feeling shitty again. Then telling myself, those addicts are abusing Heroine and Meth and they will laugh at me if I tell them I'm trying to stay off adderall. In fact, once someone told me, if you have ADHD, you don't need to stop it and it's ok; not an addiction. This roller coaster has to stop. I just want to work and not feel so terrified all the time. Thanks to anyone reading and please comment if you have any thoughts. I feel unmotivated, insecure, indecisive, and very scattered. Thank you!
  2. Hi I am so grateful I found this forum and that it's still alive and active. I have tried to quit adderall in the past but I think I'm hooked forever now. I have taken this drug and abused it; off and on, slowing down, taking short breaks, then starting up again, for sixteen years. I cannot believe it. I blame this drug for a lot of things, but the worst is how I lost my marriage. At times I wonder if quitting even makes sense now since the damage is so extensive to relationships and the entire structure of my life. I decided two days ago, after one more endless bouts of insomnia and a day of insomnia induced depression and lack of logical thinking, that I absolutely had to quit. So the next day, I didn't take it. Until 2 pm. I called a friend who compassionately suggested taking a lower dose instead of quitting all at once. I took part of my dose yesterday and part of the pill today. I already am freaking out that i should not do this. I slept until 10 am this morning and ended up crying half of the day. Now my legs feel numb-tingly and it's really uncomfortable. My mind feel like I just unplugged it and there is no filter. I've been weaning off of a 60 mg daily dose I was prescribed for ADHD, since June of this year and was down to 25 or 30 mg (reg not XR) day. In the past, when I began weaning, I always went back on it and felt instantaneous relief. It's the worst addiction because it is sanctioned by doctors for ADHD. I don't want to tell my doc I'm weaning off it because I don't know if I can handle this. I want to be convinced i'll be better off without this stuff. ANd my history shows I cannot do it. I always feel better and more productive on adderall but in reality, my life was falling; my life DID fall apart. I lost my marriage in a stimulant induced feeling of invincibility and self desire for a better life, which was a fantasy induced by this speed. I was seriously abusing it back then (2003, 4, 5, 6 etc). Even on a 25 mg dose, I am not sleeping well and I quit benzos and Remeron, which were my sleep aids for Adderall. Benzo withdrawal made me want to scream and I trembled for 6 months but benzos are horrible for memory and depression. Remeron and all the antidepressants I've used to help with the anxiety and other bizarre personality and focus side effects of adderall have left me with a load of health issues like weight gain, cholesterol problems and pre-diabetes. So, I decide and then try to quit, again, and again, and again. I keep starting back up. I do have ADHD, and Adderall helps with my impulsive interrupting when people are talking. Off adderall, I get so bored listening to people talk and waiting for them to make their points or to stop talking on and on about their aunt and sisters husbands, brother in law who has a kid going to college on scholarship. On Adderall, I can listen intensively to the most boring conversations. I find most conversation somewhat boring actually, so I'm scared to be off of this for that reason. And, top it all off I went back to school and got a masters in social work, while taking adderall of course. I listen to people talk and have to remember what people say. If they are talkinga bout their relatives, I can't act bored or ask to repeat what was said. I don't know if I will even like the work after I quit this. Then again, maybe I'll like it more. So, are people experiencing rewards for quitting? My kids noticed I was talking about random changing topics the last time I tried to quit (they didn't know I was trying). It's embarrassing. What about this thing with tingling in my legs and with crying and feeling depressed? Have any of that anyone? Does it go away? IS THIS WORTH IT? Oh and my gums and mouth; problems with gums receding and with decay and root canal and crowns. I"m quitting for that reason also.