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About Cheeri0

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  1. One Month Sober - Just Relapsed :(

    Hey Speeder, it happens. I don't want to tell you it's okay, because it's not... but I relapsed 3 times before being able to kick it for good and you have to pick yourself up and embrace this as part of the process. We're here for you. I work an NA program, and someone told me once that after a relapse, you get credit for time served. The wisdom you gained in your 30 days clean will be waiting for you when you start again. You'll be stronger this time around. Keep posting, keep being honest, and keep trying. Be kind to yourself!
  2. Holy Shit! 9 Months!

    Congrats Danquit and TomJones on having 9 (and almost 9) months! Huge achievements. Reading about your progress these past few months has helped me during the dark days... couldn't have got this far without you guys. I'm still really struggling, though. I'm feeling super isolated/unmotivated and failing a few of my college courses this semester. I'll have 8 months in a few weeks and am still just feeling really rough... sometimes I wonder if I'm not progressing as fast as everyone else in their recovery. Any tips other than exercise that'll help me feel more on track? It might be just a mindset issue but I'm feeling super stuck. Thanks, Cheerio
  3. Regrets

    I'm dealing with a bunch of regrets too! Also jealousy. The two seem to go hand in hand for me. I keep wondering where I would have been if I had listen to my gut and tossed the pills sooner... and then I spent hours on facebook sifting through friends' photos looking at all the things I could have had if I had gotten my shit together when I was younger. I know it's just indulgent thoughts on my end that don't serve me at all... but something about submitting myself to the torture ends up making me feel better (in the short term) in a sick way. Also, just as a side note, I completely understand the dental trouble from the shitty hygiene/dry mouth/grinding of using.... I had to have a root canal and 12 cavities filled after I got clean. Talk about an expensive habit. We just have to keep chugging through it together!!
  4. Trying to get off adderall without CRASHING

    Hi Jade, welcome! I relate to your frustration. With adderall, we all at one point or another came to the realization that we didn't know how to live with or without it. Not knowing how to live without it is the really scary part. As a single mother of 3 with little support, it's going to be an uphill battle to stop using adderall, but you are definitely capable of it. You've taken the first step, which is coming here and admitting that its affecting your life negatively. Unfortunately, I don't know of any way to completely avoid the crash. They can be really debilitating. Exercise, a lot of sleep, and eating well will help lessen the struggle, but it'll still be rough. I don't want to discourage you though. It's manageable. You just have to power through and know that it gets better. If there were an easy way to do this, this website wouldn't exist. It's tough! These forums are rich with tips and tricks, though... look through them for encouragement! You got this.
  5. Really not sure what to think anymore.

    Ah okay. From the way your initial post sounded I thought you quit adderall two years ago but had been on concerta and vyvanse more recently. If you're counting recovery time, I would count from the last time you took a stimulant, since your brain doesn't differentiate much between adderall/concerta/vyvanse. Best of luck, hopefully with time things will normalize
  6. Really not sure what to think anymore.

    Hi Zay -- It was good of you to take your concerns to a doctor and get yourself checked out. If the scans all came back normal, though, I'm not sure what sort of physical ailment you could have that wouldn't show up in an accurate picture of your brain/skull. I don't want to sound discouraging, but for 6 months after I quit taking adderall I was convinced that I had had a stroke. I spent hours googling stroke symptoms, swore that I had lost feeling in my fingers momentarily, thought my personality was different, etc. It took a long time for me to realize that amphetamine based delusions don't go away immediately after you stop taking them. That being said, I did get strange headaches after quitting adderall for a while. Weirdly, mine were also always only on the right side, on the backside of my head about four inches above the nape of my neck. Maybe the pain or odd feeling you're experiencing could be your synapses repairing themselves (they are damaged after adderall use). Your brain could be trying to restore itself back to the way it was before the pills and this could be causing brain tissue stimulation that you're feeling. If this is the case, the brain activity might be close enough to normal to not show up on scans. Either way, our brains are incredibly efficient at repairing themselves. Even meth addicts who abused for many years see a return to normal brain function after about 15 months, so if your brain is in the "repairing" process I would give it about a year to re-calibrate before you start worrying about anything permanent. And concerta/vyvanse have similar effects on the brain as adderall, so I would try to nix all stimulants if I were you (including caffeine) and see if it improves at a quicker pace.
  7. Will you warn your children?

    Absofuckinglutely I will warn them. If I'm lucky enough to have a child one day, and a teacher or doctor recommends to me that I put them on a stimulant of any kind, I will laugh them out of the fucking door. I'd explain to my kid that they are good enough the way they are, and work with their natural gifts to overcome any obstacles they may be facing academically. It sounds idealistic, and I don't mean to sound judgmental of parents who choose that route for their kids, but with what this drug has put all of us through, I really struggle hearing the "adderall saved my life and is a miracle for some people" stories. I know that everyone's brain chemistry is different, and I've really tried to entertain the possibility that it isn't harmful for some. But in my heart of hearts, I just don't buy it. In my first year of taking it, I would have said it was a miracle, too. I would have defended adderall till the cows came home. But looking back, that was just the hubris of my excess dopamine.
  8. Haha same! Lord that stuff is so toxic
  9. I did a bunch of weird, socially awkward shit. But, the most embarrassing by far was my severe hypochondria and how far I took it. Sorry if this is TMI for the men out there, but at one point I had myself convinced that I was dying of Toxic Shock Syndrome, which happens when you leave tampons in too long. I spent hours trying to find a tampon inside myself that simply wasn't there. I convinced myself that my skin was red, that I had a fever, and that I had hours to live. I drove myself to the ER, had a complete fucking meltdown in the waiting room because they wouldn't see me immediately. Then I texted 10 of my closest friends telling them that I loved them and that I'd probably die so if they didn't see me again I wanted them to know I loved them. I then demanded that the nurses give me pelvic exams (while I was hyperventilating and hysterical), and they tried to tell me that I was just having a panic attack, which made me scream at them. Eventually one of them decided to just give me the pelvic exam so I'd calm down. That was only the first time of many that I drove myself to the hospital for strange, ridiculous reasons. Looking back, so mortifying. It's a miracle I wasn't 5150'd because I should have/could have been.
  10. 4 years 2 months later...

    Sorry to hear about your relapse. I'm at 6 months and it's been whispering to me too... I really needed to read your post this morning. I was on it for 7 years and it took me 4 of trying to quit for it to stick longer than a week. So the fact that you've quit multiple times already is a sign that you can do it again. Something about this disease is telling me that if I can kick it for 6 months that maybe I'm okay now... maybe I can take it like prescribed now and reap benefits. But being vigilant about reminding ourselves how bad it was and how far we fell is the only way to climb. Welcome back. Take it easy on yourself today. Give yourself permission to relax a little and take care of yourself. Even if you feel like shit right now I promise you deserve it.
  11. Hi Rachel, so sorry to hear you're struggling. I can relate to your comment in a bunch of ways. 1) It sounds like you're doing something in-patient (which is great!). I'm working an outpatient program, mostly NA. It's definitely helping, but 90 percent of the people I meet are drinkers/opiate addicts, much like your experience. I do believe there is a certain thread that ties all addicts together, and that we can gain a lot listening to each other's stories regardless of our drug of choice. However, the whole point of "group" is to be with a group of people with a similar story to your own, and it can be a bummer to find that everyone else in the circle is connecting in a specific way you have trouble relating to, and that they might not understand your struggles. It can be alienating. I found it helpful to remind myself that I'm not any better than they are just because a doctor told me I "needed" my pills, and I also found it helpful to focus on the similarities in our stories, not just the differences. Also, I think it's best to be super honest with everyone in your group about your drug of choice, you might find that quite a few of them can relate to amphetamine issues at one point or another even if it wasn't their main problem. 2) The strattera. Lord, how I loathed that drug. I lost 3 months worth of adderall scripts once a few years back (the horror) and my doctor refused to print me replacements. She put me on strattera for the 3 month time period, and they were some of the weirdest months of my life. I've been on SSRIs, Benzos, and Uppers... and nothing made me feel as strange as strattera did. Granted, this could just be my personal experience, maybe my dosage was super high or something... but if possible I strongly recommend trying to deal with your ADHD symptoms cold turkey while you're in early recovery. Maybe try to utilize this down time to reclaim your natural brain chemistry while you have few responsibilities. 3) Wondering if you'll ever be able to handle your ADHD symptoms. This has been a big one for me recently. I've come to the conclusion that I think it's possible to both be ADHD and an Addict at the same time. If you realize that you are BOTH of these things, the adderall catch-22 is a frustrating reality. I think acceptance is the only thing that can get you over that hump. Acceptance and a lot of creativity/patience in searching for methods that work for you in dealing with your focus challenges. The motivation will come back if you give it time, I promise. At 45 days I was still a vegetable. I'm at 6 months now and already feeling loads better. But that feeling of being scattered... I don't know if that one ever goes away. That might just be who we are and learning to cope with it may take decades or be a lifelong battle. But you know what? Everyone has lifelong battles with themselves. As long as we can manage, and just "scrape by" for a little while, I'm optimistic that eventually we'll learn to deal with ourselves the way others/non-addicts have to face their own character flaws. Hope we can all figure these things out together! Best of luck to you
  12. trying to find a solution

    Being outside. In early recovery everyone was talking about how much meditation helped them... and I just never really "got" that. When I spent some time outdoors, though, I realized that that's what it took for me to feel calm. Even something as simple as yard work takes my mind off of all the addiction bullshit. I can just zone out, focus on the air and trees (as corny as that sounds) and focus on being a person instead of an addict for just a few minutes. I think it's different for everyone but I think that's definitely what helps me the most, you just have to find yours
  13. Washington, D.C.

    Hi cpope, Cheerio here. I had to make a new account because I somehow managed to lock myself out of the first one - sorry it took so long for me to see your post. I sent you a DM, if you'd ever like to chat feel free to let me know. Hope all's going well!
  14. Could it be OCD?

    Hi everyone. I haven't posted my story yet, but I definitely plan to at some point. This forum has been so helpful to me since I decided to stop using Adderall, thank you all for contributing! Quick summary of my using history before I ask my question: I started on 40 mgs (xr) at 17 when I was 120 lbs, and have a similar story to most of you. At first adderall was a miracle that solved all my problems, and then it started creating all of my problems. I began abusing my script 2 years later when I was a freshman at an elite university. The abuse got worse and worse, and eventually I was taking up to 120 mgs a day, then being useless for two weeks when my pills ran out. I was so anxious that I never went to class and had to drop out of college. Now I'm 24, almost six months clean, and back at school trying to finish my degree. I started exhibiting pretty extreme OCD symptoms right around when my adderall abuse began. Color coding my closet for hours, working on one homework assignment for 7 hours writing and re-writing my notes because my handwriting wasn't good enough... that kind of thing. I always just assumed it was the adderall, and that as soon as I got sober I'd be back to my non-obsessive self. However, these past few months I haven't really noticed much change in my obsessive tendencies. I'm still struggling to be productive because of the exorbitant amount of time on trivial things... I feel this compulsion to make them perfect. Especially when it comes to homework assignments, cleaning my apartment, etc. It's definitely frustrating. I'm trying to be patient with myself but I'm still worried I'm not going to be ready for school because of it. Balancing it all just seems so overwhelming because I won't be able to do everything perfectly. I know that's unrealisitic, but I can't seem to shake these destructive habits. Has anyone else still experienced these symptoms around the 6 month mark? Could it be that I actually just have some pre-existing OCD tendencies that were exacerbated by the Adderall? Or after 7 years on it have I just forgotten how to approach work from a less particular, adderall-induced mindset? I'm starting to get worried that my brain won't acclimate, and now that I'm back in school it's pretty important that I get a handle on this soon. I'd appreciate any advice! Thanks guys, wishing everyone well in their recoveries
  15. Hi there! So I quit adderall a little under 5 months ago. For the first two months or so I really just took things day by day, because it's all I was capable of. When life began getting back to normal around month 3, though, I started to reflect on everything and was really alarmed/in disbelief about how truly addicted I was. it was almost like I couldn't appreciate the severity of my addiction until I had some time to think about my actions a few months after quitting. Because of that shock I felt, that "oh my god I didn't know I was capable of such dependence" feeling, I felt an immediate need to nix all "uppers." I know that coffee doesn't have the same life-destroying potential as amphetamines, but I guess there was a part of me that was scared I would end up addicted to caffeine, too, if I didn't quit. So I totally and completely removed it from my diet and have been caffeine free for almost three months now! Tl;dr - the results have been fantastic and I highly recommend it to anyone who's interested! A few more details, though: I was a BIG time coffee drinker previously, I loved mixing it with the adderall to intensify its effects, the ritual/smell of it in the morning, and would drink 4-6 cups a day. But after quitting adderall, I found I didn't love coffee as much as I thought I did. I would almost find myself "angry" with it for not giving me the same buzz my pills used to, if that makes any sense. And I completely know what you mean about the adrenal fatigue... my coffee comedowns were pretty brutal and unlike my adderall comedowns, they would happen in the middle of the day when I was supposed to be most productive. I'm pretty strict with the caffeine ban - I'll let myself have chocolate (which has trace amounts of caffeine), but no coffee/coffee beans/caffeinated soda/green tea/black tea/white tea. I also stay away from most cold medicines when I'm sick. The soda part is actually what's most difficult for me because I'm a total sugar addict, but that's a discussion for another post entirely. It was pretty tough the first month, but less from a withdrawal perspective and more from a habitual perspective. But now it feels so incredible to wake up and be entirely reliant on my natural energy to get things done throughout the day! And as an added bonus: I've saved so much money! I sold my Keurig and without having to buy k-cups every week, I'm really starting to feel the bonus of the extra disposable income! Sometimes I miss just relaxing and having coffee with friends, but most coffee shops have herbal tea options which are very tasty and feel equally medicinal! One thing I would caution you about, though: if you have an all-or-nothing personality (like many of us do), make sure you prioritize your healthy habits when you're juggling more than one! If you quit caffeine, for example, and "relapse" with a soda in a month or so, make sure you don't let yourself use that as an excuse to relapse on the adderall, too. Not being able to keep my addictions/vices in comparative perspective has led me to relapse in the past! Hope that helps! Sorry it's so long! Good luck and congratulations on 8 months!