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About Cheeri0

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  1. Anddddd I relapsed...sorta.

    Good on you for coming here and being honest. If you had sobriety before, you can do it again. I work an NA program, so when it came to figuring out how to manage non-adderall medications, I had the guidance of a sponsor which really helped. Our current arrangement: the only non-food items I'm allowed to consume without texting her first are advil and claritin. Everything else goes through her first. I also have to text her when I have a heavy caffeine day. It's just about the constant acknowledgement that I am literally incapable of sanely managing substances that I put in my body and I need help. There's nothing wrong with that. By turning it over to someone else I avoid the temptation to buy caffeine pills and say "well at least I'm not on adderall." I'm an addict, and unfortunately that applies to all areas of my life and can show up anywhere. You can do this, just don't be afraid to ask for help!! I also understand the weight thing, I'm struggling with that too. I've gained 30lbs in two years since I've been sober, but it's so worth it to have a clean mind. I'm going to start diving into healthier habits and losing weight naturally - looking forward to continued support here as I start that process we can navigate it together if you'd like!
  2. This is what I thought, too, when I first got sober. I'm almost two years clean now and experience has proved me wrong time and time again. You're an addict, no better or worse than opiate addicts or alcoholics. Adderallics tend to come from wealthier homes (on average), and we face death as a consequence of our addiction far less frequently. But I personally believe that the "personality type" attracted to adderall is one of perfectionism, ambition, grandiosity, and terminal uniqueness. You can find these same traits in heroin addicts and meth-heads. Don't let the class designation trick you into thinking you're special, I fell into that trap for years. Frankly, I think the withdrawal difference is pretty simple. Compared to opiate withdrawal, ours is much less intense, but lasts for much longer. There are obviously physiological/sensational differences, but when you're trying to kick a drug habit I think we have much more in common with crackheads than we'd like to think. You don't need special rehab full of other speed freaks to realize you're a drug addict. You have us, and people who were hooked on meth have pretty similar withdrawal issues. Focusing on similaries rather than differences did me a world of good. Just my opinion, though.
  3. How do you fix the life Adderall broke?

    Hey @OnSomething, have you ever thought about Narcotics Anonymous? It's a big part of my recovery... I usually try not to peddle it here because it's NOT the only way to get/stay clean, but your particular posts make me think it might be a good option for you. If you're really feeling hopeless, there's nothing like walking into a room full of people whose lives were worse than yours and are now living successfully/beautifully to fill you with hope. A lot of adderall addicts separate themselves from NA meetings because there are relatively few of us who go (depending on your area). Where I live, I'd guess the fellowship is about 70 percent opiate addicts, 15 percent coke, and 15 percent meth. So it's easy to feel "different" from everyone. But when you get to the core of people's issues, we're pretty much exactly the same. And more people have experience there with amphetamine withdrawal than you'd think. If you're looking for an instruction manual and some really personal attention from someone who understands, go to some meetings and try to sniff out a sponsor. It changed the game for me.
  4. My body makes sense to me again. I know that sounds weird, but when I was on adderall I had lost all connection between my spirit and my body. Now that I'm clean, I can actually tell when I'm hungry, when I'm thirsty, when I need sleep, when I should go for a run, ect. It's amazing to feel connected to myself in that way. I had lost that ability for so long. My writing skills have improved 10-fold. Idk what it was about adderall that made my sentences sound so strange... but I can finally put together a coherent academic paper that sounds impressive! I'm not isolated all the time. I'm not so convinced that I'm "special." Oh, what a prison that was.
  5. Interesting. Would like to hear more on this also. I was on Ritalin for a few months, and found that I didn't feel as euphoric as I did on adderall. I always thought that Ritalin was just more frequently prescribed to the under-15 crowd and adderall was for adults (this was a simplification made by my doctor at the time), so abuse stories were all about addy because that's what people were likely on when their parents stopped monitoring their intake. But if there is something physiologically distinguishing the two addiction potentials I'd love to hear about it!
  6. Probably could have died

    Amen, brother. Good to hear that you're determined. Just be advised that if the drugs are taking up a lot of real estate in your life, it's going to feel emptier without them there. I filled the space with a 12 step fellowship that I'm sure you were exposed to during your rehab stints, but that's not the only way. Taking up a hobby that makes you feel good about yourself (or reinvesting in an old one like running, art, book club, etc.) seems to be an important piece of this if you want to commit long-term. For now though, I'd buckle up for some rough days and keep a lot of fruit in the house. Hydrate like a bitch. Feel free to complain to us, also! Cheers mate.
  7. Probably could have died

    We love you, we've been there, and you're in the right place. 20 years is a long time. Have you ever considered inpatient rehab? If you're doing benzos on a semi-frequent basis, it may be the safest option for you. Also, if you have demanding career responsibilities at the moment it may be a way for you to quit and not be so uprooted by the early stages withdrawal by taking a 30-day leave of absence. I promise you life gets infinitely better when you're not on this drug. Your tolerance for emotional discomfort seems to be shockingly high, friend. I was there once, too. I've been sober for a year and a half and my tolerance for pain (physical, emotional, etc.) is a LOT lower now. I couldn't be more grateful for that. When things in my life suck, I change them. I was somehow completely void of this skill when I was using adderall. I also did a lot of the adderall+porn combo for hours and that shit makes you feel so empty in my experience. I have a fulfilling sex life now that's drug free and I'm insanely grateful. Keep reading and updating us! You can do this.
  8. Take Your Pills

    Yeah, I hadn't thought about it this way but you're exactly right. I feel exactly the same way. We have to stay strong!
  9. Take Your Pills

    I watched it yesterday. It definitely stirred up using thoughts in me, and I definitely see your point about glorifying the drug. However, I didn't find it as offensive as I'd have guessed. I like how it focused on the systemic societal issues that make us so production-driven. They didn't really cover an addiction story, just lightly glossed over the fact that it could happen. I wish they had had a recovering addict play a more central role. But it wasn't ALL terrible, just mostly IMO.
  10. Second attempt at quitting failed

    Keep trying. It took me 4/5 quit attempts before mine stuck, and I celebrated 18 months yesterday! Always forward, always improve, always keep learning. You're on the right track with being honest here, if you keep that habit it up it'll help a lot in your journey! Happy you're here, you're in the right place.
  11. New Adderall documentary

    Yeah, the fact that this is what people want is what upsets me. It's telling about American culture. That's what I meant. I couldn't care less about the media. The fact that this is what capitalism has created shows what America is really about right now. Which is upsetting to me.
  12. New Adderall documentary

    Nah Frank, I haven't watched it. The trailer itself was enough to make me think about using... It stirs up these ugly feelings of inadequacy in me. Those are the same feelings that fueled my addiction. It comes out on Friday which is actually the same day I celebrate 18 months!
  13. New Adderall documentary

    Garbage. Fucking garbage. It's so telling to me that a group of intelligent adults sat around in a room and decided this was the kind of content Americans wanted to see and were willing to pay for. Living a natural life in the body that I was given by the universe and embracing its design sounds more appealing to me than pumping it full of man-made chemicals for the sake of accumulating more shit I don't need. I understand the desire for success. I'm an adderall addict, of course I have the desire for greatness. But hopefully people will realize that ultimately this drug makes things worse, not better. I don't want any success I wasn't capable of achieving with the tools I was given by my higher power. I try not to get preachy/too idealistic on these forums, but God damn. That trash riled me up.
  14. Hey - fellow programmer, here. One of the main reasons I got into adderall heavily was to write code quickly and efficiently. Programming/math and amphetamines seem to be a match made in heaven sometimes. Learn from my mistake, though. Quit now. This shit is capable of taking everything you love from you. Don't underestimate it. You can do it, friend.
  15. How long did you give yourself a pass?

    I'm in the "as much time as you need" camp. Your number one priority should always be not doing speed, regardless of how much netflix it requires. Not using always comes first. I get how this mentality can keep you from recovering as fast if you aren't pushing yourself to adopt healthy habits (eating well, exercise, working, etc.), but I feel like if I had swung to far in the "be productive" direction too early I would have gotten too hard on myself, freaked out, and sought out pills to help me cope. Balance is probably the key to your question, but I definitely swung more to the "lazy for too long" side.