Cheeri0

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About Cheeri0

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  1. AA/NA meetings

    Hey Taylor, I'm involved in both fellowships, but more active in NA. In my area, there's a lot of crossover between the two. The main reason why I prefer NA is the literature, it's much newer and more applicable to my life. I'd suggest Living Clean the Journey Continues. There's nothing wrong with AA, and there does tend to be a little more sobriety in terms of collective years in AA fellowships because of the relative ages of the programs. But for me, I always felt a little phoney in AA rooms because I was never a huge drinker. I think the difference between the two is super obvious in their first steps: AA: "powerless over alcohol" NA: "powerless over our addiction." I prefer to focus on the disease of addiction because I believe it was THAT that ld me to adderall, not the substance itself. Good luck to you, I hope you find peace in whichever you decide! 12 Step fellowships are beautiful things. Early on, I'd really suggest just going to as many meetings as possible in both programs and really finding ones where you feel comfortable, there's a lot more diversity/variety in meeting type/ambiance than you'd think - be proactive about finding what works for you! Just for Today, Cheeri0
  2. Hey Everyone! Just wanted to shoot you all a quick update, it's been a while since I've posted anything. I know a lot of people come to this site for information about recovery timelines (including a bunch of lurkers who never post anything) so I thought I'd contribute some recent developments regarding my recovery. Stats: 5'5'', Female, abusing up to 200 mgs daily for 7 years, 24 years old and 120 lbs when I quit, minimal exercise throughout recovery process and a pretty unhealthy diet. I just passed the 14 month mark, and I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still feeling cognitive improvements. I thought that I'd "back to normal" by the year mark, but I'm still feeling better every day. I feel 85 percent back to "normal" at this point, hoping that exercise and spinach will push me to 100 percent by month 18 but who knows. I will say that my exercise routine and diet have been awful recently, and I might be further along in the brain-healing process had I been more vigilant about healthy habits early on. It is what it is, though. I plan on making both more of a priority from here on out! The big development these past few months is that I feel like my emotions have finally started to regulate themselves. I no longer have mood swings! I have a really good idea what my emotional baseline is, and am finally able to accurately identify feelings and their causes. I felt physically back to normal around month 7, but this emotional acuity is new! I just love you all. I've browsed this forum every week for the past 14 months and have really come to depend on you all and the stories you share. Never doubt that you're helping people because you've truly been an integral part of saving my life, all of you. What a fucking beautiful day to be clean. <3
  3. ONE MONTH CLEAN.. STRATERRA?

    Hey @AshleyT, to some degree, I think we all appreciate what you're doing by trying to draw attention to the pharmaceutical/capitalistic components of our issue. Bringing concerns about Adderall and the over-medication of American children into legal forums is a noble cause. That being said, we come here to chat with each other and heal from intense personal strife. When someone is considering medication prescribed to them and is asking other addicts for their experiences and advice, it may not be the appropriate time to push your class action. I wish you the best in your venture and hope you can find a few people to join your cause, but if you could keep it confined to your own personal posts instead of interjecting into discussions "for us by us" I think that'd be polite!
  4. ONE MONTH CLEAN.. STRATERRA?

    My personal experience with straterra was God awful, although take my story with a grain of salt because I've heard really mixed reviews about it from other people. Could boil down to a brain-chemistry thing, but for me, it made me feel CRAZY. I was on it for a month, and while it wasn't super weird when I was titrating up, as soon as I got to the prescribed dosage I can't remember two weeks of my life. It was that insane. No idea what I did, my memory was completely shot. I also felt loopy as can be, said things I didn't mean... I mean it was awful. I'd stay far, far away if I were you. No drug has ever scared me as much as straterra did.
  5. Can't Believe it Happened to Me

    @Alyssa Narcotics Anonymous!
  6. Can't Believe it Happened to Me

    Hey Kiona. I frequent the addiction subs on Reddit and recommend this site to all the speed freaks I come across there, so if it was me who sent you this way (I have the same username on both) then hello again. I identify so much with your story. I'm also female, mid twenties, and dealing with a metric fuckton of weight gain since my since my adderall days. I can't imagine getting through early recovery without being honest with my family, though. Are you sure they wouldn't want to know? It might relieve them to know what's going on, and the support would be very, very useful to you right now. I also completely understand being worried about the employment situation, keeping a Job in early recovery is tough. You really just have to accept that you're going to give your Job the bare minimum and let that be enough. 300 mgs a day at 120 lbs is a lot of adderall. Your brain has a lot of adjusting to do, and it might take a while. But there's a lot to be learned on the journey, it's not all wasted time. I think the best advice someone could have given me early on would be to try and enjoy myself as much as possible. I know it feels like you don't have the dopamine to be anywhere close to happy, but if you stay sober long enough your life is going to change drastically for the better. Complete with rent to pay, relationships to maintain, and good jobs to kick ass at. Try to enjoy the time of minimal responsibility while you're working toward that point. Teach yourself how to be you again. Honestly there's nothing that anyone here is going to tell you that's going to magically make you feel better, but we are a community that's been where are you. That knows how painful this is. If I were you, I'd looking into finding an NA group in your area. NA saved my life and I highly recommend it, especially if you have to be tight lipped about what you're going through at home. Please keep us updated!
  7. How Can This Possibly Be 8 Years Later?

    Hi @AddaGirl. I remember reading this post when you first submitted it and just wanted to let you know that it really resonated with me. I hope we can all send you some supportive vibes that will be useful to you in your recovery journey. First, you're a pretty brilliant writer. You're clearly very intelligent and have an impressive way with words, albeit the content of your post is heartbreaking. I'm not surprised that you were so professionally successful during your time working in NYC. I, too, enjoyed success that I associated with Adderall (but on a much smaller scale): College. I'm 5' 5'' and weighed 105 lbs, was a cheerleader at a Top 30 school, in the best sorority on campus, and had straight As to boot. I was sure that I was Harvard Law bound, and was absolutely intoxicated by the prospect of an esteemed career/rockin' bod. I wanted power, money, fast-paced environments and respect/admiration above all else. Sometimes I wonder if even our male, adderall-addicted counterparts can begin to understand the "thinness" allure of adderall for ambitious women. We're fundamentally taught to associate our bodies with personal and professional success, and the benefits enjoyed by thin women are difficult to ignore, especially after experiencing them yourself. I'm 160 these days after a year clean, and looking in the mirror isn't always fun. The state of my body is the one factor above all others that tempts me to use pills. I hope this isn't rude/overstepping, but the thing that's so striking to me about your post is how confidently and aptly you discuss your problem that's so obviously fueled by insecurity. Those two parts of yourself seem so at odds. On the one hand, you have a successful career, finances in order, are clearly well-spoken, ect., but on the other hand you feel like you need pills to be okay. You are 100 percent good enough without adderall, why do you feel otherwise? I think that's the question at the crux of all of our issues, here. I also identify with the romanticizing bit. There was something so fast-paced and exciting about speed. I loved everything when I was on it. Doing my computer programming homework felt l was curing cancer (which you were actually doing, haha) and organizing my closet felt like the task that was going to push me toward a life of brilliance. Sometimes I still miss that high. But the thing is, it's all fake. Organizing your closet isn't going to change your life, and the excitement that adderall brings you is artificial. I'm sure you know this by now. I just wish I could hug you and send you positive vibes. Get sober with us. I want that for you really badly, and I think you want it for yourself, too. See what happens.
  8. Okay so this is a weird thing I do when I'm having trouble with one particular task, I'm not sure if it'll help you but I'll share just in case: So when I was having an issue motivating myself to get started on a menial job at work (I worked in data services, so I did a lot of mindless data entry/importing/exporting) I used the "fake to-do list" approach. So if you have to do task X, make yourself a fake to-do list where task X is at the bottom. For instance: 1) go get water from the water fountain 2) check break room for any mess you might have left 3) ask your boss about the week's schedule 4) text friend about weekend plans 5) open up the program and start task X even if you don't HAVE to do items 1-4, putting them in a list and acknowledging that they're mildly productive always made it easier for me to get started. Let me know if it helps! Good luck and stay strong, don't use no matter what.
  9. I Desperately Need Help...Please

    Breatheeeeeeeeeeeee. You're okay. I promise. If I'm correct in guessing that the "95" at the end of your username signifies the year you were born (this is the same format I used to use for usernames and such), that makes you 22ish. I'm 25, and your age is exactly when my addiction really started to explode into unhealthy dosages/binges. Around 22, I really started noticing the toll adderall was taking on my relationships and performance in life. And you know what? I'm fine now. My body is fine, my mind is fine, and I'm not broken. You haven't done any permanent damage to yourself. Not yet. So for right now, relax. The speed has a hold of your thought process, and probably will continue to for the next few days. That's okay. Just focus on eating chips, watching netflix, and letting your brain flush the toxic shit out. I've been through this process dozens of times (and I'm guessing you have too). It's going to be alright. Now. You and I both know you need to quit. It's time to stop putting yourself through this. The freedom on the other side of this nasty addiction is fucking wonderful. It's tough to get to, but once you're here I promise it'll all feel worth it. You have to make the decision to never use adderall again. Tell your friends and family about this decision. You never, ever, ever have to take a pill again. Not if you don't want to. Welcome. You're in the right place and we already love you!
  10. Just Got Dumped

    Hey everyone. I've been clean from adderall for 1 year now (woo) and sober from alcohol for 11 months. This should be a happy time and an upbeat/celebratory post, but I'm struggling. My boyfriend of three years just ended things last night. Ultimately, I'm not sure if he could get past all the things I put him through when I was using. I know I have to accept the consequences of my actions, but I'm just beyond devastated right now. I really thought he was the one and I'm still so in love with him. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't want it to impact my recovery, but fuck. I've never hurt this bad.
  11. Adderall caused thyroid/adrenal issues?

    @Kimber I'm two weeks shy of 1 year and I've noticed massive improvements in how my body feels in the past month. In order to psychologically get off the pills, I spent a lot of time netflixing, eating bad food, ect. I needed that down time to make quitting not overwhelming. Now that I've adjusted a little more, I'm eating better, going on walks, ect. My skin looks younger, my teeth are whiter, my body feels healthier. At 6 months I was wondering if I'd ever feel better again. Wait it out, I promise it improves!
  12. Where is everyone from?

    Northern Virginia/Washington DC
  13. Thanks for the reply Duffman! Yeah, I've struggled with hypochondria/anxiety/ocd tendencies my whole life, it's really just a part of my personality that adderall exacerbated exponentially. I've seen a lot of improvement this past year but I still have a ways to go in terms of completely normalizing that part of myself. I think all of us here tend to have very "particular" personality types that likely lended themselves well to the allure of perfectionism that adderall initially promised. I went to the doctor yesterday and just flat out told her my physical symptoms, nothing about my anxiety/adderall abuse at first. She diagnosed me in 3 minutes. I have a pulled muscle in my chest (hence the pain while breathing in). No lung problems, no heart problems, just a pulled muscle. Advil should do the trick. It made me feel so silly for all the worrying I had done. But I'm just trying to be patient with myself... hopefully the anxiety will subside eventually. I really need to start looking into meditation techniques, I think that'd help me a lot.
  14. Yea, sorry for the anxiety spiral everyone. I made that post after spending a lot of anxious time in my own head. Feeling a lot more calm now.
  15. Hey everyone. I'm coming up on a year clean and still really paranoid about the stress I put my body through during addiction. I had a really bad virus/cold a few weeks ago, and now (three weeks later), I'm still experiencing INTENSE chest pain every time I breath even semi-deep. Even though I'm only 25, I was a chain smoker on Adderall (and even for a while after I quit), and I have a lot of anxiety. What if the pain is being caused by lung cancer? Or worse, heart damage? I made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow, and I'm struggling with how to handle it. She was the one who prescribed me the adderall for 7 years, and I never told her about my abuse. I just ghosted her and haven't seen her since I quit. So, I know I have to come clean to her about the addiction/abuse. That's going to happen no matter what. She'll likely feel personally betrayed because we (used to) have a close relationship, but if I'm going to continue to see her for medical advice she needs to know. That being said, I have a few options for how to handle the rest of tomorrow's appointment: 1) I could tell her that I'm experiencing the chest pain, leave it at that, and see what her medical opinion is for how to proceed. OR, 2) I can tell her that I spend way too much time worrying about my health because of my drug abuse. That the anxiety is messing with my every day life. That to quell my worries, I want an EKG and a chest x-ray. I just can't stand being this paranoid about my health. Is asking her for these things just indulging irrational fears that I should try to calm on my own without the help of physicians? Or is it worth it to push for the tests that will put my mind at ease? Could really use some advice. Thanks everyone. Edit: I have great insurance, so cost isn't really an issue here. I just don't want to be ridiculous and was wondering if anyone had any experience with this.