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Everything posted by Cheeri0

  1. New to the community

    Welcome! I really identify with the anti-social part. It was always so perplexing to me that on adderall I had a surge of energy yet found it tough to convert it into sociability. That article you posted came out when I had a few months clean, I remember reading it very clearly - I'm even one of the featured NYT commenters on it! I understand that feeling of losing touch with yourself. It's a special kind of confusing hell. We're happy you're here, you can get to where you want to be.
  2. Hey family. Found two stories on adderall addiction that I hadn't seen posted here yet, just in case anyone wants to read them. This one has a lot of similarities to my story: young girl, prescribed in high school, gets addicted very quickly: And in this one, a young man got addicted and tried to buy pills on the street after running out. Bought something someone said was adderall and it ended up being laced with fentanyl.
  3. Hey Dazzy. Sorry you're going through all of this - welcome to the forums. You're in the right place and we're happy to have you, keep posting about your journey! Some things that jumped out to me regarding your post: Nope. You're the problem here. The environment you're in matters, but the only constant variable throughout ALL of your struggles is you. I'd pay particular attention to that last bit. Before I got clean I carried a lot of anger around that helped me justify my inability to make healthy choices - it's a destructive clutch. No one's out to get you. Your feelings are valid but it's time to do some brutally tough work. Toss your pills (again), fuck the insurance. Tell whoever is left in your support network that you can't stop using them, and do WHATEVER it takes to not get high. Watch netflix, drink water, go to a 12 step meeting, and embrace the misery of withdrawal. There's no secret sauce, unfortunately. Bad news is it's going to be brutal but the good news is it's entirely possible for you. I did this at 24, too - now's the time Dazzy. Make it through A DAY AT A TIME. Stop thinking about 30 days. Just do today. I'm going to be honest, your post is pretty insane, my friend. You are incapable of managing your use of this substance in a healthy, long-term way. You have to stop entirely. How much more devastation do you need in your life before you believe that? Don't use no matter what. No. Matter. What. Surrender and ask for help (which you're already doing by posting here!). That bites. It sounds legally questionable so I get your gripe, but the world isn't always a fair place. I'd take look at the role the cop played to create that situation and the role that you played. One part sounds bigger than the other to me. THIS is the best question you posed in your post. It's a question that deserves a lot of thought - if I were you I'd try to be super honest with a lot of people who know you well and get their take. Collect opinions and don't make any big decisions without thinking them through (I use my sponsor for big decisions like this). I'm of the opinion that your first priority right now should be sobriety and ONLY sobriety. Whatever you gotta do. Do it. The debt will work itself out if you have a clear mind - you seem really fucking smart. I hope you'll be a success story here, I have a good feeling about ya. You just have to get sober and give your brain time to heal.
  4. Please Help

    Hi I also just wanted to add: you're doing so well by posting here. You're a valuable member of this community, and your posts are already helping people here. I know you feel miserable right now, but you are doing so much better than you feel. You're advocating for yourself and your health and making steps in the right direction. Take at least a few minutes to celebrate your progress. Even if it doesn't feel like you're making any, I promise you that you are.
  5. Please Help

    Get to a meeting pronto. Be as brutally honest with the people at that meeting as you've been here. I've been in this space before. If I'm being honest with myself, I think the two things that really *made* me get sober were the health scares (mild heart attack, mini-stroke, severe dehydration/malnutrition at 23) and isolation. I just couldn't take being on my own every single minute of every single day anymore. There are people in New York who have been through this and will talk to you about it. They go to meetings. I promise. You have to stop putting drugs in your body. This is killing you. Toss your pills immediately, call your doctor tomorrow and tell them you're abusing them. Have you had enough pain? There's a way out. You can do this. But you have to stop getting high and being frustrated with the results. You're doing the same thing over and over and over and over. Flush them. We're here for you, don't die. Be honest at a meeting. Surrender. You DO deserve to live. Your brain is lying to you right now with all those feelings of worthlessness. They're 100 percent bullshit. Don't trust your brain right now. Trust the brains of sober people who have been in this place. We love you and you deserve happiness
  6. Two Years!

    Hi everyone, what a great day to be clean! I've been checking in less frequently recently (because life has gotten really busy - in a good way), but I wanted to write a post in celebration of my two years clean from adderall When I first googled "am i addicted to my adhd meds," I was 17. If only I had stopped then. Adderall addiction, over the subsequent 7 years, took me in and out college, in and out of strange towns, in and out of strange relationships, and in and out of bizarre personalities that I'd try on like cheap sunglasses. My life had crumbled into a depressing state of chaos and (arguably misdiagnosed) mental illness. When I finally admitted I was powerless over the pills, at age 24, my friendships were all strained, my job situation was dicey at best, and conflict with roommates had escalated to a point where it was essentially impossible for a sane person to live with me peacefully. Every dream I had for myself had been placed on hold for just "another day" so I could clean my closet. I was "cleaning my closet tomorrow" for. Seven. Years. It wasn't until I had no closet to clean and no drawers to organize that I realized how truly fucked up my priorities had become. So if you're reading this, feeling isolated, and promising yourself that you're going to "stop eventually," after you graduate maybe, or after you get organized, or after you get promoted... search your soul. Ask yourself if you feel as though something is gravely wrong. Be honest. On a lighter note: here's what's happened in my life in the past two years as a result of not getting high even when it was the only thing I wanted to do: 1) I started going to NA meetings. Complete and utter game-changer for my recovery. It's not for everyone, but if you're curious, I highly recommend it. 2) Got back into college. 3) Developed healthy, honest friendships. Where I could be honest about my feelings. I'm a firm believer that this is how we heal. 4) GOT A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. From a Top 30 University. 5) Mended my relationship with my family and came clean about the reasons for my strange behavior. 6) Had my heart broken by my ex-boyfriend of three years, and MADE IT THROUGH. Clean. 7) Got hired. Amazing job, brand new city, 80k a year. I'm kicking ass at work - without speed. 8) Found a pinterest-worthy apartment of my own (with ALL the exposed brick). I'm currently learning how to balance cleanliness at home with a less-than-organized personality (I don't call it ADHD anymore). Without the use of adderall. 9) Finally overcame my embarrassment and asked someone, at 26, how to use a treadmill. Started to work on my fitness. *hair flip* 10) Developed a relationship with a Higher Power. A Higher Power that, somehow, was merciful enough to keep me from dying - despite the fact that I was pumping 200 milligrams of speed into my body on an almost-daily basis (at 115 lbs) and actively avoiding food and sleep. Honestly, I'm not sure whether or not to be happy or sad about the fact that this site has been seeing less traffic recently. Maybe fewer people are struggling with amphetamine addiction. I hope so. But if that's not the case: In my first 3 months sober, when my brain still felt like mashed potatoes, reading these forums over and over again was one of the biggest support structures I had. was my hope a lot of days when I had none. Let's continue to spread that hope, y'all. Love you people <3 ***Edit*** I hope this post doesn't come off as too braggadocios. I just wanted to underscore the fact that everything that I **thought** I was working toward by taking adderall only started to come to fruition when I stopped. I've had my fair share of down days these past few years. But when you look at the net result, sobriety will always be the best option for me.
  7. Hi friend, I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm not sure if I'm the best person to give you advice because I was in a really rigorous academic program when I was trying to quit for the first time, and ended up having to take time off and collect myself before I went back to school. I completed my degree sober, but I'm not sure if I could have succeeded academically in the first few months of my quit. That being said, though, I was a lot more far gone than you are. About double your milligrams. My health was deteriorating, and all nighters were a three-times-a-week thing. Had I tried to to nip things in the bud earlier I may have been able to do it, though - so don't be discouraged. My advice: make this your number one priority. I know my friends in med school don't have much of a social life anyway, but any extra curricular activities you have may need to take a backseat for your first few months adderall free. Only focus on a few things: your spiritual/physical condition, sobriety, and school (in that order). Let nothing else matter right now. If you can wake up every day and just manage not to get high, consider it a win. Good luck and keep posting

    Three more people have reached out to me on reddit saying they've been trying to make profiles here! Hopeful about a spike in activity now that the captcha is fixed. Thanks @Mike
  9. Article: Scariest Drug

    Did anyone else have a similar experience to the writer of this article where they hated it as a child and became addicted as an adult? I was 16 the very first time I took it and remember feeling "wrong," not euphoric. My body was telling me something wasn't right. Only after I trained myself to love the dopamine did I think it felt "good." I think we should listen to kids more and trust our young bodies
  10. Duffman, how are you? We miss your posts. Update us please! Hope all is well

  11. Two Years!

    Thanks everyone for the support! Couldn't have done it without y'all. @LILTEX41 I work as a data scientist / database architect / software developer. I mostly work in SQL, R, Python, and Excel. I learned most of those skills at an internship I got right after I got clean. It was 7.50 an hour while I lived with my parents and college wouldn't take me back yet. Paid off in the end though! @LiberatedMind Keep at it! Accept the hard days and learn how to feel pain. I promise struggle with come, even after some time sober. You just have to learn how to get through the shittiest days without leaning on pills and you'll be fine @SeanW Awesome Sean, that sounds like a great plan. Yeah if I'm being completely honest, of everything I've been through in my after-adderall journey, the two things that were the hardest were school and being dumped. I cried and cried and cried over papers. I felt like I couldn't do them anymore because my brain was broken. I felt dumb and useless and miserable for most of the time while I was in class/working on homework. That never really went away I just did it over and over again until I didn't have to do it anymore. Work is a MILLION times easier than school. I seriously hated it - just gotta accept it as a stepping stone.
  12. Congrats Nicole! That's amazing!
  13. Anddddd I relapsed...sorta.

    Good on you for coming here and being honest. If you had sobriety before, you can do it again. I work an NA program, so when it came to figuring out how to manage non-adderall medications, I had the guidance of a sponsor which really helped. Our current arrangement: the only non-food items I'm allowed to consume without texting her first are advil and claritin. Everything else goes through her first. I also have to text her when I have a heavy caffeine day. It's just about the constant acknowledgement that I am literally incapable of sanely managing substances that I put in my body and I need help. There's nothing wrong with that. By turning it over to someone else I avoid the temptation to buy caffeine pills and say "well at least I'm not on adderall." I'm an addict, and unfortunately that applies to all areas of my life and can show up anywhere. You can do this, just don't be afraid to ask for help!! I also understand the weight thing, I'm struggling with that too. I've gained 30lbs in two years since I've been sober, but it's so worth it to have a clean mind. I'm going to start diving into healthier habits and losing weight naturally - looking forward to continued support here as I start that process we can navigate it together if you'd like!
  14. This is what I thought, too, when I first got sober. I'm almost two years clean now and experience has proved me wrong time and time again. You're an addict, no better or worse than opiate addicts or alcoholics. Adderallics tend to come from wealthier homes (on average), and we face death as a consequence of our addiction far less frequently. But I personally believe that the "personality type" attracted to adderall is one of perfectionism, ambition, grandiosity, and terminal uniqueness. You can find these same traits in heroin addicts and meth-heads. Don't let the class designation trick you into thinking you're special, I fell into that trap for years. Frankly, I think the withdrawal difference is pretty simple. Compared to opiate withdrawal, ours is much less intense, but lasts for much longer. There are obviously physiological/sensational differences, but when you're trying to kick a drug habit I think we have much more in common with crackheads than we'd like to think. You don't need special rehab full of other speed freaks to realize you're a drug addict. You have us, and people who were hooked on meth have pretty similar withdrawal issues. Focusing on similaries rather than differences did me a world of good. Just my opinion, though.
  15. How do you fix the life Adderall broke?

    Hey @OnSomething, have you ever thought about Narcotics Anonymous? It's a big part of my recovery... I usually try not to peddle it here because it's NOT the only way to get/stay clean, but your particular posts make me think it might be a good option for you. If you're really feeling hopeless, there's nothing like walking into a room full of people whose lives were worse than yours and are now living successfully/beautifully to fill you with hope. A lot of adderall addicts separate themselves from NA meetings because there are relatively few of us who go (depending on your area). Where I live, I'd guess the fellowship is about 70 percent opiate addicts, 15 percent coke, and 15 percent meth. So it's easy to feel "different" from everyone. But when you get to the core of people's issues, we're pretty much exactly the same. And more people have experience there with amphetamine withdrawal than you'd think. If you're looking for an instruction manual and some really personal attention from someone who understands, go to some meetings and try to sniff out a sponsor. It changed the game for me.
  16. My body makes sense to me again. I know that sounds weird, but when I was on adderall I had lost all connection between my spirit and my body. Now that I'm clean, I can actually tell when I'm hungry, when I'm thirsty, when I need sleep, when I should go for a run, ect. It's amazing to feel connected to myself in that way. I had lost that ability for so long. My writing skills have improved 10-fold. Idk what it was about adderall that made my sentences sound so strange... but I can finally put together a coherent academic paper that sounds impressive! I'm not isolated all the time. I'm not so convinced that I'm "special." Oh, what a prison that was.
  17. Interesting. Would like to hear more on this also. I was on Ritalin for a few months, and found that I didn't feel as euphoric as I did on adderall. I always thought that Ritalin was just more frequently prescribed to the under-15 crowd and adderall was for adults (this was a simplification made by my doctor at the time), so abuse stories were all about addy because that's what people were likely on when their parents stopped monitoring their intake. But if there is something physiologically distinguishing the two addiction potentials I'd love to hear about it!
  18. Probably could have died

    Amen, brother. Good to hear that you're determined. Just be advised that if the drugs are taking up a lot of real estate in your life, it's going to feel emptier without them there. I filled the space with a 12 step fellowship that I'm sure you were exposed to during your rehab stints, but that's not the only way. Taking up a hobby that makes you feel good about yourself (or reinvesting in an old one like running, art, book club, etc.) seems to be an important piece of this if you want to commit long-term. For now though, I'd buckle up for some rough days and keep a lot of fruit in the house. Hydrate like a bitch. Feel free to complain to us, also! Cheers mate.
  19. Probably could have died

    We love you, we've been there, and you're in the right place. 20 years is a long time. Have you ever considered inpatient rehab? If you're doing benzos on a semi-frequent basis, it may be the safest option for you. Also, if you have demanding career responsibilities at the moment it may be a way for you to quit and not be so uprooted by the early stages withdrawal by taking a 30-day leave of absence. I promise you life gets infinitely better when you're not on this drug. Your tolerance for emotional discomfort seems to be shockingly high, friend. I was there once, too. I've been sober for a year and a half and my tolerance for pain (physical, emotional, etc.) is a LOT lower now. I couldn't be more grateful for that. When things in my life suck, I change them. I was somehow completely void of this skill when I was using adderall. I also did a lot of the adderall+porn combo for hours and that shit makes you feel so empty in my experience. I have a fulfilling sex life now that's drug free and I'm insanely grateful. Keep reading and updating us! You can do this.
  20. Take Your Pills

    Yeah, I hadn't thought about it this way but you're exactly right. I feel exactly the same way. We have to stay strong!
  21. Take Your Pills

    I watched it yesterday. It definitely stirred up using thoughts in me, and I definitely see your point about glorifying the drug. However, I didn't find it as offensive as I'd have guessed. I like how it focused on the systemic societal issues that make us so production-driven. They didn't really cover an addiction story, just lightly glossed over the fact that it could happen. I wish they had had a recovering addict play a more central role. But it wasn't ALL terrible, just mostly IMO.
  22. Second attempt at quitting failed

    Keep trying. It took me 4/5 quit attempts before mine stuck, and I celebrated 18 months yesterday! Always forward, always improve, always keep learning. You're on the right track with being honest here, if you keep that habit it up it'll help a lot in your journey! Happy you're here, you're in the right place.
  23. New Adderall documentary

    Yeah, the fact that this is what people want is what upsets me. It's telling about American culture. That's what I meant. I couldn't care less about the media. The fact that this is what capitalism has created shows what America is really about right now. Which is upsetting to me.
  24. New Adderall documentary

    Nah Frank, I haven't watched it. The trailer itself was enough to make me think about using... It stirs up these ugly feelings of inadequacy in me. Those are the same feelings that fueled my addiction. It comes out on Friday which is actually the same day I celebrate 18 months!
  25. New Adderall documentary

    Garbage. Fucking garbage. It's so telling to me that a group of intelligent adults sat around in a room and decided this was the kind of content Americans wanted to see and were willing to pay for. Living a natural life in the body that I was given by the universe and embracing its design sounds more appealing to me than pumping it full of man-made chemicals for the sake of accumulating more shit I don't need. I understand the desire for success. I'm an adderall addict, of course I have the desire for greatness. But hopefully people will realize that ultimately this drug makes things worse, not better. I don't want any success I wasn't capable of achieving with the tools I was given by my higher power. I try not to get preachy/too idealistic on these forums, but God damn. That trash riled me up.