Cheeri0

Hi! 27F here with an intense academic background. When I got clean, I went from straight As to straight Cs. The mental clarity and love that came from within myself from doing something really, really difficult... that I had only ever done high (since high school), and then learning slowly how to do it CLEAN... was absolutely worth the TEMPORARY hit to my GPA. I understand you want to take advantage of Ivy League Med School (CONGRATULATIONS! That's a bfd if no one's told you today and YOU earned it, not adderall), and that it's exceedingly competitive and rigorous. But girl. It's not worth it. Get your Cs temporarily if you have to. Do residency at a second tier hospital. You CAN scrape by academically clean and sober. It'll be hard, but worth it. After you take a year to adjust, you might even be better at school come years 2-4. It'll be brutal, but so worth it. You don't want to be 35 and miserable wishing you had become better acquainted with who you really were in med school. Also, it's a great time to make friends as well. Stress bonding! You can do this. Hit meetings when you can - go when you don't want to. You got this.

Welcome friend! I identify a lot with your story. I'm also 27F, was put on the meds when I was 17, and work as a database engineer/analyst/front end dev. Some differences in our story, though: I was a binge abuser (100s of milligrams a day), which might mean different things for our recovery timelines. I was super concerned about work/academia when I quit, not being able to perform professionally was probably my biggest fear and hurdle. One of the biggest feelings I had when I first quit was a constant notion of being overwhelmed, the world and its responsibilities just felt like too much. I attributed that to, at my core, being a poor fit for my job and only landing in my field because of the adderall (you expressed something similar). But in retrospect, working at mcdonalds would have stressed me out just as much during the first few months. Now that I'm almost at 3 years clean, I think coding IS a good fit for me, and quite frankly I'm better at it now than I was when I was on the meds. Don't throw in the towel on the career just yet, in my opinion. Be gentle with yourself and anticipate some tough days, but maybe just hold off from accepting your feelings as facts for the first few months of your quit. Soldier through. And keep us updated! This place helps so much. We've been there and we're rooting for you <3

Well, if you don't like how things are now - it's time to change something. What are you going to change? I will say that most of America is struggling to provide a financial future for their children, and not all of them are adderall addicts. Not to take away from your pain or invalidate your feelings, but that complaint in particular doesn't seem unique to us. What I'm unclear about from your post is why you're so unhappy. You're working out, volunteering, raising a family.... like WOW. That all sounds incredible. You should be proud as hell. Those are things I aspire to with 2 years under my belt, so you're setting an example for those of us who wonder if those things will ever be possible for us. Is it depression? Money? Because you mention feeling unmotivated but I'm unsure if that bothers you only because you want to bring home more $. If your cash situation is what's bumming you out, there are certainly ways to address it without filling your brain with toxic chemicals. What would be the next career move for you? It may be time for a switch. Or school. Put a plan in place. Take baby steps. If you can't manage that plan without adderall, it's not the right plan. Also, I'm not a doctor - but I abused really heavily for years also - and cutting out alcohol and all prescriptions has helped me a lot. Not sure if that's something you want to consider, just sharing my experience.

Glad you didn't give in, you'll absolutely thank yourself for it later. Withdrawals can be brutal but we're all soldiers here. Keep at it, keep posting!

Hi Jason, welcome to the forums, you're in the right place. SO much of your story reminds me of me. I was 24 when I got clean, I code for a living (there's so much adderall allure in our field), and Narcotics Anonymous was my saving grace. You can do this!! My favorite piece of NA literature is Living Clean: The Journey Continues. I highly recommend it. Meetings were also a Godsend for me also, and I have 2 years 4 months this week! It gets better. It's not easy, but it gets better. I've also been psychotic, paranoid, and isolated. I don't know how I endured that hell for so long but there's a better way to live, and by making this account you've taken a step in finding it for yourself. Keep reaching out and keep posting, we're here for you and we understand.

Man, I wish I could frame that and put it on my wall somewhere.

Yay Sean!! I went to Denver on vacation a few weeks ago to visit friends, it was my first time in CO and I loved it. Great recovery out there, too. You better keep us posted!

@SeanW I had a similar thought all the time.... for like a week of heavy use and no food/sleep I became obsessed with the idea of "ego death". Like the death of your true self with no way to reconnect to it. I really thought my soul had died and that "I" was permanently gone. It took more that a year and a half to put that fear to rest. My personality is so much more integrated now. Thanks for bringing that up, it's remarkable how similar all of our stories can be.

@John250 I know you probably don't need someone to tell you to be extremely cautious with that plan (from your post history I know you make a career from nutrition/wellness), but that would scare the hell out of me. Be very, very careful. Someone with an addictive personality messing around with opiates for any reason at all sounds like a a bad recipe to me!! Welcome Keep posting and sharing here. We have a lot to learn from you and vice versa

I've noticed this too, was never certain that it was adderall related, but I gain a solid 8 pounds during shark week which I think is above average, also my PMS/PMDD symptoms are pretty out of control - seeing a doc about it soon.

@oswhid would be a good person to give you insight - there are some similarities in your posts! wishing you the best, this thing can be hellish. I can't imagine being the one who had to deal with me when I was at my worst. prayers to you both

@SeanW School was hard but getting clean was harder. If you can do that, you got this

@SeanW Thanks. Yeah the shit we go through around here is so painful. So after I moved back in with my parents I managed to get an internship for the semester. The pay was minimum wage but I just needed practice being a person, and it's not like I had rent to pay. It was at a pretty prestigious company, I was lucky to land it. I was 24 interning with a bunch of 19 year olds which felt weird, but I got over it. I did pretty simple data work and spent 80 percent of my time there reading this website, not talking, and trying to keep my eyes open. It was rough. I did learn some coding which is one of the only ways I got my current position. Going back to school was brutal, I wont lie. I really went into it with the attitude: "Cs get degrees." I had spent so many adderall years concocting these insane plans about how I was going to get straight As and head to Harvard Law school and blah blah blah. I had to eat some humble pie and realize I just needed to pass. I graduated with a 2.3 GPA and even that was difficult for me - I wont bullshit you. So I made a couple deals with myself: 1) no matter what, go to fucking class. I would get so anxious that attendance was a big issue for me. The lethargy was tough to overcome also. But no matter what, I got my ass up and sat in the chair, even if my mind wasn't there. Professors don't work with students who don't show up. 2) talk to your professors EARLY. I struggled with communication before, so I just went up to my teachers in the first week and said "I'm a returning student... this has been difficult for me in the past, it's been a while since I've been in school, and I'd like to check in with you throughout the semester if that's okay to make sure I'm on track to pass." Honestly there were a few classes that I might not have passed if it weren't for those early chats. Make them like you and make them think they're part of your underdog story. 3) try to avoid freaking out. this is the toughest one. But I would get so anxious about work that it'd hinder my ability to do well. once I stopped caring so much about the grades it was easier to actually absorb material. 4) if all else fails, beg. I aint above it. You can do this Sean!!!

@CW97 Yeah, I had a definite "enough is enough" moment. My bottom was pretty low and I just pray that others don't have to go through what I did. I had dropped out of my prestigious college because I was high all the time and was wayyyyy too anxious to email professors, turn in work, or take final exams. That wasn't enough to get me to quit. My roommates told me they didn't want to live with me anymore because I was up all hours of the night, was incapable of being organized/cleanly, and was a social nightmare. That wasn't enough to get me to quit. I was forced to move in with a creepy coworker who was a manipulative narcissist and preyed on the fact that I was an addict. Still kept using. Got back into college and had to drop out again. Lost my job. Got another job. Lost that one too. Took myself to the ER on multiple occasions because I had spent 72 hours alone in my room (high) on webMD convincing myself I was dying. That wasn't enough to get me to stop. Went to the dentist and had 13 cavities (including a root canal) at 23 and needed 8,000 dollars worth of dental work done (thanks dry mouth). When my insurance ran out, I paid 170 dollars A MONTH out of pocket for my speed for like 5 months. On credit. It was still "worth it" to me. Lost all of my friends. 3 months before I quit I even had a minor stroke - I was using again within a week. That's not even the whole list - there were many bottoms. Here's what finally did it: I was getting kicked out of another living situation - at 24 years old. I had no one to help me move (no friends to call) and I had to call my dad to ask him to drive 3 hours, pick me up, and move my furniture. I hadn't slept in days, and was carrying a box down the stairs and felt like I was going to pass out. I hit the floor, crying - thinking I was going to have a heart attack. It dawned on me that I was calling "daddy" to bail me out of the exact same situation I had to call him about when i was 18. It had been 6 whole years and nothing in my life had changed. No degree, no job, no friends. I kept trying to take adderall to "catch up" or "get ahead" and I finally realized that I wasn't moving ANYWHERE in the adderall hamster wheel. And truly, I was dying. My body was giving out. My dad drove his car up to his house, I followed behind him in my car to move back in with my parents. 8/16/16 was the date. I promised myself no more. Flushed the shit and haven't looked back. Now I have a degree, a job, and friends. Life is good.

Hi! Welcome. I was addicted for 7 years and have been sober for more than two years. I think about adderall rarely. I have a new job, new apartment, and new friends - none of which were around when I was still taking it. When I wake up, I think about things that need to be done in the office, laundry, what I'm going to get my family for Christmas, and what I'm doing this weekend with my friends. Never speed. We DO recover. Everyone has bad days. Sometimes, when have a tough day at work, I find myself wondering "would today have been better if I were on adderall?" and then I immediately realize the answer is "no" and move on with my day. I'm not sure if that will never go away for me, but I know it does for some. I'm NEVER going back to adderall hell, lol. And I'm perfectly fine. There's hope!

You used adderall because you felt like who you were without it wasn't "enough." We all did. So it's only natural to feel like we're not enough when we get sober, and that affects our romantic lives, particularly for us young single folks. I've never had a dating app even though I'm a millennial, but yeah my dating life has slowed in sobriety. I've had some quality connections with people though, like @Danquit mentioned - I'd take those genuine relationships over all the assholes who tried to pick me up at bars after I had spent 4 adderall-hours on my hair an makeup but was too anxious to speak. Man, I don't miss those days.

I'm not too much ahead of you, I just hit 2 years 3 months. I felt improvement in months 21-24. After reading up on PAWS, it sort of seemed like most sources cited 2 years as the magic number where long-term withdrawal symptoms alleviated. The biggest change I noticed in that timeframe was gaining the ability to feel truly "present." My mind was finally always in the same place my feet were. I struggled with depersonalization and general inattentiveness... I finally felt like I had a solid grasp on reality around the two-year mark. I also severely abused adderall, though (100s of mgs a day), so our situations are a little different. When I used adderall for academic purposes, it was tough after quitting to trick my brain into switching to "work mode" without that feeling of "coming up" to which I'd become accustomed. It took a lot of tears/discipline to get over that, and tbh I'm not 100 percent there yet. But if that's one of the reasons you're failing academically, there are non-adderall solutions to that problem. Best of luck, friend.

This hit home. My boyfriend of over 3 years called me one night, and broke up with me hyperventilating in a 5 minute phone call. I reached out to him two days later asking "was that real? is this over?" His response: "Yes. I apologize for any pain this may have caused." Haven't spoken since. It's been a year and a half. People can be fucking brutal. I wish I had comforting words for you but just know you're not alone. This shit sucks.

Sean that sounds heartbreaking and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My experience, though, is that there exists NO problem that adderall wont make worse. Sprinkling amphetamines on depression never makes it more palatable. Have you thought about 12 Step? I started going when I was feeling really desperate. All I did was watch netflix for 8 hours a day, and then go to a meeting for 2. Then back to depression napping for 14. That was my life. Meetings quickly became a reason to get out of bed which I desperately needed, and then I started making coffee for one of them. I was so socially awkward at first, my brain was so fried that I didn't talk to anyone for like 6 months. I forced myself to keep going though and eventually I started sharing the truth about how I was feeling and others could relate. I built myself a little support network that helped me make decisions that moved me forward. Feeling the hurt is important - it's good that you're paying attention to your feelings. But actionable steps toward improvement are also important. Teeny tiny things. Brushing your teeth. Doing a load of laundry. Do those little things and throw yourself a goddamned party in your mind for being able to do them. We beat ourselves up SO much - we're fucking experts at it. Give yourself a break and stop berating yourself - talk to yourself like you would a two year old. Would you tell them they're damned to hell? It's just not true. Sorry if any of this is cliche, vent as much as you need.

Sean your posts have helped me so much for the past year... whatever you do just don't leave us. This is a bummer. On the one hand I want to tell you that it's okay, relapses happen, etc. - but on the other hand I want to underscore how this thing could kill you. I know you know that so I'll spare you the theatrics, just know you're cared for. I really feel your frustrations. Keep muscling through though - you sound like you're struggling with isolation. What actions can you take (no matter how painfully awkward) to fix that?

Welcome!! The health concerns you mentioned when you were at the height of your usage sound very troubling. I had similar issues which all resolved themselves when I quit (except for some lingering gum issues). If high quantities of the drug were doing that to your body, do you really think it wise to just take smaller quantities after seeing the effects? I agree with what others have said, this will continue to be a problem for you if you can't "just stop" like your boyfriend suggests. Life is better without adderall. That's my personal experience. I'm more aware of who I am, what I want, and what my body needs. This move could be the perfect time to try make the switch, please keep us updated. You're in the right place!!

Incredible, Dazzy. Keep up the good work

This makes me so happy to see! I was worried about you. Loving your honest posts, and CONGRATS on 30 days. That's 30 miracles in a row. How fantastic. You're likely to face some more emotional struggles in the coming months, but you sound increasingly equipped to handle them. CELEBRATE yourself, this is a huge achievement many adderallics never reach. Badass. Keep at it and update us in Israel! What an opportunity

Welcome! I really identify with the anti-social part. It was always so perplexing to me that on adderall I had a surge of energy yet found it tough to convert it into sociability. That article you posted came out when I had a few months clean, I remember reading it very clearly - I'm even one of the featured NYT commenters on it! I understand that feeling of losing touch with yourself. It's a special kind of confusing hell. We're happy you're here, you can get to where you want to be.