I am 23 years old and I have been addicted to adderall for almost 5 1/2 years. A "friend" of mine used to go out of his way to give me his extra 30mg IR pills to "help me with my homework" when I was a senior in high school. Before him giving me them to try, I barely knew what adderall was, I had just heard from him and maybe from one person before that it could help with school work, so being a dumb naive 17 year old girl in high school I tried one of the 30mg pills and have been hooked since basically (btw I am only 5'3" and was 120 lb at the time so I was getting pretty fucking high everyday that year and literally thought I just found a magic pill that made life great and did not realize how serious of a habit I was forming). By the end of my senior year of high school I started to take 3 30mg pills/day, something that has become worse and more and more frequent over the years. I've had my ups and downs and have tried to quit repeatedly but I don't think the seriousness of it all REALLY hit me until a couple months ago when I could objectively look at my behavior and see what of a crackhead lifestyle I was/am secretly living (no one is aware of this problem to my knowledge). I am finishing up college (I'm in my fifth year), but I am in so much random debt and know with every ounce of my being that if I am in school in Oregon still I will keep using adderall until I have to resort to something else soon, so I moved back home to take my last classes online. My parents do not know anything (that I am aware of and I'm pretty sure they don't), I told them I had to move home because Oregon is cold and I didn't want to pay rent when I could work and take my classes at home and save money (I fucking hate myself for how much of a fucking lie this is). The only people I've openly admitted I am an addict to are my sister and my boyfriend of 5 years (I'm pretty sure my problem hasn't ended our relationship yet because (a) he is an amazing guy and (b) we have been doing long distance since we went to different colleges so he doesn't know the severity of my problem).
Anyways, I was trying to stay clean after new years but once my classes started up again that got really hard really quickly, and I am fully realizing how badly my withdrawals are after reading about it online today for the first time. I am pretty sure I never looked into getting help because I have been unconsciously lying to myself in someway I cannot begin to understand for over 5 years. I am scared because I know I am about to get hit with some withdrawals after binging a few days ago because I tried quitting (again) and the last adderall I took was earlier today for a school assignment. I don't know how I will be able to finish my degree, start working, and be able to start paying my debt without adderall, but this really needs to stop because it's ruining my life and my relationships (my boyfriend and I have been struggling, I am forever grateful he has it in him to be supportive of me and the kindest person I have ever met), I am a person who does things that I truly hate, I feel hopeless a lot of the time, and I am scared what this will turn into especially since I don't have the financial resources to keep up this expensive "habit." I also just really truly want to feel like a good person who takes care of themselves and treats everyone well but until I stop taking adderall that can never fully happen, and I really need help. Also I don't have my own prescription so I can't really see a doctor about the withdrawals, I will have to quit "cold turkey" which also scares me. I want to go to AA meetings but my parents are also recovering alcoholics of about 4 years and are heavily involved in those programs, so I just feel trapped. I am not ready to share this part of my life with my parents and for a few reasons I simply just can't - not right now. The irony of their alcoholism is that I have been learning about what I need to do from them sharing about their meetings and the 12 steps and they would be a great resource (so in some ways I have started to try recovery) but they hold stigmas towards drug addicts. I think they feel good about themselves since they are "only" alcoholics and not a drug addict (like their beloved daughter, hah..). So in a lot of ways, I feel trapped. I am interested into going to NA meetings but I have gotten mixed reviews after looking online.
Anyways, any support and advice would be greatly appreciated. I am hopeful I am not hopeless and I can become "who I used to be" but the sad part is that I was so young and it was so long ago when this started I don't really know who I used to be. This part of me is the only me I really know since it's the only person I've been in my adult life so far. I would love to hear from people who have had similar experiences or just have advice on what to do. I just want to feel like I am trying to be a good person that I like. I want to stop hurting people (who are also unaware) I care about and love, just to feed this disgusting habit. I want to be able to feel like I can still enjoy life again without that happy feeling needing to be induced by adderall. I hate lying and I hate living this secret life. I hate being an addict. I hate myself so much sometimes I feel like I don't even deserve anything else. However I finally have started to hate myself a little less to where I finally feel like I do deserve a better life than this if I try and can get the help I need.