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About Lovebear

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  1. I quit dexies 2 1/2 years ago here is an update

    I love this, thank you for sharing. I’ve been realizing some of the same things- mostly realizing that I have to dedicate the majority of my free time to healing and growthful activities. It’s like I’m finally learning how to grow the garden of myself. Sounds like you are quite a practiced gardener of the self at this point. Thanks again for sharing your tips and tricks and sharing your journey.
  2. How long did it take for your anhedonia to go away?

    I abused for 13 months, have been sober for 20 months and my annhedonia hasn’t gone away. My nervous system is fucked. I’m basically physically in a state of constant panic. I’m giving myself 7 years to get better. (Not sure what happens after 7 years, but I’ve heard other stories of people who went through trauma and it took them 7 years to get better, so I’m giving myself the same). Anyways, the anhedonia is a constant... I think I need to begin studying with a yogi, some intensive program to completely rebuild my fried nervous system because it’s just bad vibes all the goddamn time. When I really tune into it, not only is nothing enjoyable, but everything mildly hurts, its like all the receptors that once flowed with good feelings have been burned from overuse, and now all my nervous system activity just fucking hurts. Like I can get a hug from someone and it excites my nervous system, and the resulting chemical flow is like nails on a chalkboard- like wool on burned skin... Sorry this is not an uplifting possibly not even a helpful reply. But I will say, I’m never ever going back to adderall. Here’s some bright light for this dark tunnel- it’s the light of determination. Once I find my yogi teacher, I will immerse myself in the yogi cave life for 7 years, and I’m sure I will re-emerge a healthier human and my nervous system WILL HEAL. Everyone, don’t go back to adderall. It’s the worst thing any of us could do. Real change requires sweat and tears and years and years.
  3. My little secret

    My adderall y abuse and my journey of recovery has been a complete secret. I abused for 1 year, have been off of it for 20 months, and I haven’t told anyone I’m close to about it. This secret has become a boulder in my mind. It’s right there all the time. I wish I could tell my parents, but I put them through so much shit with drug abuse and rehab in high school and the years after, and they really thought I was better. I’ve seen them heal so much after the heartbreak of almost losing their daughter- I don’t think I could break their hearts again by admitting that from the fall of 2015 to the fall of 2016 I was dousing my brain daily with bourgeois tweak. But the problem is that this secret has grown in my mind. I now feel like I can’t talk normally with anyone. I feel very far away, very seperate. Ive lost my ability to relate to people and I think a part of this is the fact that I always feel like I am hiding something. How do I tell my story? I’m super ashamed!! i don’t even know where to start. When someone I trust asks me how I am, I lie to them!!! I don’t know how to tell the truth. I seriously need to begin telling my story, but when I start to talk about it my nervous system loses its shit, I become flush in the face and totally dissociate. I’m in deep shit here. Super blocked. Quitting adderall is more than just not using adderall. I’ve accomplished the not using part!!! Go me!! But there’s this whole other part!!!! I love you guys on this forum. I lurk here all the time. I have to start talking.
  4. Thank you! Great post. I'm coming up on one year sober, and I finally am myself again. It took 11 months in bed. I thought I was ruined. I googled "ruined my brain" at least once a week. But PAWS ends.
  5. My Struggle As A Stripper

    Hey friends! I'm a year clean in a couple weeks and I am FINALLY back to my old self. I am making good money at the club, life is fun again. This was the hardest year of my life, I thought I had lost myself forever, but thanks to a strong meditation practice and good vitamins, I feel like I've made a complete recovery. Hope y'all are well.
  6. My Struggle As A Stripper

    Omg I am you. Same story!! I quit 9 months ago and I had to stop being a dancer. I can't carry on a conversation off the stuff- can't focus on my customers, can't be present. The only think I found that helps is meditation. I just feel like adderall is so bad for you that I would rather find a way without it. I was only on it for a year and I swear I aged 5x faster in that year.
  7. For me it works right away, but I've heard it can be neurotoxic. I wish I understood more about it, it really helps me so much but I've heard it shouldn't be taken every day
  8. i need to know whats normal

    you're not crazy just an addict, just like me. It's finally starting to get better after 8 months sober. I can hold a conversation without trembling in my boots, and I feel like a human again. I still hate on myself a lot, but I've started making up songs every time I catch myself being mean to myself in my head, I sing "not gonna go down the self-hate rabbit hole..." I'm learning healthy things. I'm so proud of you for coming to this forum and so grateful that this community exists you guys help me so much.
  9. Weird Brain Feeling?

    Yeah I know the brain hazy feeling. I actually used to get it before I ever took adderall and it as why I went on it in the first place. It feels almost like a headache, I can't think clearly, cant open my eyes all the way, stuck on channel fuzz. I'm at 7 months off adderall now and i still get it but I also have a lot of days of total mental clarity. I honestly felt fuzzy for 6 months. It's just beginning to get better. I guess I realized I'm just kinda hazy until something catches my attention and maybe that's ok. I get headaches a lot tho and that sucks and adderall helped a lot with making my headaches go away- cut through that fog like a knife. But also made me a sad shell of myself so I guess I'll take the haze.
  10. How many of us are 100% ADD ?

    I am 100% add. I've never even completed an "are you add?" test. I get bored/distracted halfway through and just fill random stuff in. But it's fine! The world will go on building complicated machinery, putting things in order, creating increasingly intricate systems without my help. And ill be here, providing my detrivore services. ADD="unfit to serve society". Screw them. Let's plant gardens and drink tea on the couch and not mind the idea of being "unproductive". Productivity is a pill they sold and it nearly killed me!! I am the way I am for a good reason. Not totally sure the specifics of that reason yet. 7 months off of adderall, I am scattered! I was born scattered. My brain feels more like a wild forest than an orderly city! Im not here for the fast subway ride down my neural networks. I'm here for the old-growth forest, for the balance of the system as a whole. I'm playing the long con.
  11. Post quitting tips?

    Ok I had some fun with this response- these are light suggestions from a cooky fellow quitter! (Used/abused 2 years, quit 7 months ago) #1 tip for real: Food is medecine! Eat salads, eat PROTEIN. Eat bananas! They are radioactive! Get into superfoods! mushrooms (black fungus, can be found dried at your local Asian grocery), hemp seeds, turmeric, coconut, berries, cacao. Buy organic! Join a yoga studio. Sweat out your troubles in a bendy position. Try some light supplements. Take l-tyrosine but only occasionally like on the really unmotivated days. Take ginkgo Biloba to improve cognition. Take St. John's wort if you're feeling especially sad. Take a multi-vitamin. With biotin if your hair started to thin like mine did! Btw my hair is back and luscious and sexxaayy. Thanks sobriety. Get into something weird and new. Take a week off of life and go on a secret adventure to your nearest spalunking cave! Make it a quest. Tell no one. Get a pet rat. They are amazing little creatures. So cute. So smart. So fluffy. Buy flowers for someone. Bonus points if they are someone who will be like "wtf? why did you give me all these roses???" Write love notes, go on a walk and give them out to strangers. Learn hebrew. Throw yourself a bar-mitzvah. This is a great way to make friends and meet people. Mostly though, a big congrats on quitting! You are doing so great. It's ok to be bored and lazy for a while. And good luck with school. You'll do great and it will keep you busy. lots of love from lovebear. Peace!!
  12. Hello, I'm Mr. 75%

    Love this post. Seriously. Love this forum. Have you seen Limitless? I'm that lady who walks into the cafe, discheveled, scattered, who used to take the limitless pill. I'm better at 75% than I was at "100%" two years ago. Because today 75% is enough. Two years ago, 100% wasn't good enough!!
  13. I am sorry for what you're going through, I can't imagine how immensely difficult it must be. I have read about the benefits of ginkgo biloba, and have been trying it myself to improve my memory. I actually break open a capsule and take half of the powder in tea, as a whole capsule usually gives me a headache, but it is supposed to increase bloodflow to the brain. I also have heard that activating the balance centers in your brain can help ward these things off. Practice standing on one foot and then closing your eyes. Then try the other foot. It seems impossible at first but it gets easier, I promise! I also know a man who took up skateboarding in his 70s- he's a professor at my university. He's in his 80s now, and rides through campus on his skateboard. Riding a bike is said to help with Parkinson's too. My family has a history of these things and I have a history of adderall abuse so I've had these same worries. Good luck with this. We are all here for you.