I decided to write my old boss when i had my breakthrough. This is exactly what i wrote, mistakes and all.
My story was over a decade of abuse with binges of heavy abuse that can only be described as suicidal (about an average of 100 30mg pills a month towards the end)... Taking several pills Every single day.
Looking back, I can clearly see so many things that i was simply not capable of believing... Even tho i knew it was truth.
I knew i was past addiction, i was fully dependant on adderall.
Without it i would barely make it through the work day and literally sleep as soon as i got home... It would take a week to feel any kind of improvement but by then i could usually get more or refill my script.... Restarting the cycle.
I hope my struggle will help you with the faith required to beat back this monster... As other testimonies have helped me believe through the constant doubt.
Message to boss:
Man.. Sherry, I made a mistake on saturday...
I took some speed for the first time in 2 months.. But its such an incredible breakthrough for me right now...that i want to share this with you.
Like I look and feel so horrible right now that I can literally see the massive difference in how much better life has gotten in just 2 months without it.
After putting the Adderall down for good I would secretly be getting intense cravings for short periods at a time from thing like just hearing the word adderall...
Believing the books that all say I would struggle with the addiction for the rest of my life.
Being terrified of how much of the damage to my brain would end up being permanent... With no research for that level of abuse and that amount of time.
While noticing all the simple stupid mistakes you make over and over...
Being asked questions about things that i would not remember from doing an hour before.
Constantly trying to hide the mistakes from friends, family & co-workers..
I told everyone i quit taking adderall and pretended it was no big deal... Refusing to show weakness & only talking about it if I would notice something positive that happened from quitting.
Trying my best to keep believing\hoping that someday i would actually start feeling the way I was trying to make others see me..
All of that.. Has been lifted today sherry.
I have no desire for this toxicity in my life anymore.
And getting cleaner by the day made it hard to notice changes... But I honestly cant believe i used to feel like this all the time... And for that long.
The fear is gone... Like truly gone.
I stopped taking adderall because I was afraid of the mistakes my brain started making.
Now tho... I'm done with speed because I am fully aware of how destructive and deceptive it is.
This is one of the hardest things I will struggle with in life.... And I have just realized I will conquer it... And move on happily.
Its such an indescribable relief and such a great feeling that i had to share it.
I am sorry for sharing and rambling while I'm influenced by it tho.
I can honestly say I don't believe it will ever happen again.
Remember, progress is the only thing you truly need... Its scale and scope are unique to you alone...
But its done 1 thought at a time.
Failure and success is simply perception and awareness.