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Everything posted by Kimber

  1. Whew. I can't believe it has been a year ago today that I tore up my last Adderall prescription. Physically I feel 100% better. Mentally I still feel "mushy" ... 17 years is a long, long, long time and it really probably became more a part of me than I cared to admit or could possibly understand. Feel like I'm treading water right now. Not really going anywhere and trying to not beat myself up about not going anywhere, because that is when I think "if i just could have a couple of Adderall to get me going again"... I'm ready for those thoughts to be GONE! And ready for something, I just don't know what.
  2. Thank you both for your responses. Really helps to hear from people who have been there, family and friends try, but just don't get it. It is hard because it truly is like starting ALL over in life... my likes and dislikes are more gray and not as sharp, and some times just blah. Started working out for the first time in 20 years...something I certainly wouldn't have thought possible a year ago when I decided to quit.
  3. While I can't believe its almost been a year, August 10, 2017, I definitely feel like I've hit a wall. I used as prescribed for 17 years 10mg, then 30mg and the last 2 years was on 40mg IR/day, which I knew from the beginning was too much and didn't make me feel very good. I miss almost every day. I think about it every day...sometimes thinking I'm glad I'm not on it any more, sometimes wishing for way to concentrate again. The last couple of months have been a struggle with motivation and mood...more so than the first 6 months sober and am wondering if it is b/c its like "now what". I just started working out...first time in 20+years to try to help with the low mood and motivation and lack of concentration. What are other year long quitter's experiences? I don't want to get back on it. Just surprised I'm still struggling. Obviously my body has rid itself of it and should be healed as much as it is able to from whatever Adderall may have done. Just feel flat. I don't have a job and at this point don't even feel like I am hire-able...brain just doesn't work anymore...
  4. I keep trying to remind myself that almost 20 years is a long time to be on any medication and it formed many habits and thought processes that aren't necessarily congruent with my true nature and getting back on course may take some time...something that is so 180 from the adderall thought process of "pop a pill" and it will come attitude. I know I am a better friend, sibling, wife off adderall... I spend a lot of time alone and on adderall it was easier because it was like I wasn't alone. So now I need to figure out what to do with myself...20 years later. I just struggle with is it too late now....
  5. Do you feel like your personality changed either on Adderall or afterwards adapting to not having the Adderall personality? I feel like I almost don't know who I am sometimes....then sometimes I recognize someone.... I also find I struggle with just being okay with quiet...mentally and physically. I think I got so used to being jacked up, then crashing that that became the norm. So now quiet-time can make me feel very restless...Headspace app is helping. But sometimes just knowing others experience this helps.
  6. God I needed that...your post "four years ago today" brought me to tears. Thank you so much for sharing that. EXACTLY WHAT I needed today. whew. thank you.
  7. BPC 157

    How has it been? I've researched it some, but EVERYTHING gives me side effects. Still looking however....
  8. after yesterday, not so great, made me sleepy....ugh You can buy Novolin R at Walmart pharmacy without a prescription for $22.00. And just put it into a nasal spray container. Everything I've read sounded promising, just not much out there yet. So I'm skeptical now after not feeling the same effect as the first time. Just thought I'd see if anyone else had any experience with it.
  9. I'm at 10month off Adderall after using for 17yrs. I have unsuccessfully tried tons of supplements, nootropics, anti-depressants, vitamins only to find 9 times out of 10 I have horrible side effects that seemingly no one else experiences... The anhedonia is just debilitating sometimes. In searching for help with relieving anhedonia I came across using intranasal insulin. Tried yesterday for 1st time and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. Nothing Adderall-like, but I'm really not looking for that, but a nice uptick in mood and energy. I am hesitant and leery, but after reading everything I can find on it's use, hopefully. Just wondering if anyone else has heard of or tried.
  10. This is first time I even remotely thought about the possibility of taking Adderall again, so after over 7 months...I guess not terrible. Just having a rough go right now and haven't had a "good" day in a couple of weeks makes me start searching pretty hard for a "remedy" and/or solution. Zero energy, motivation, drive, sad, ...just difficult right now. Sorry.
  11. Never thought something like high pollen levels would make me crave an Adderall to get me out of this COMA. I'm coming up on 8 months and was doing ok...until last 2 weeks or so. I've always been susceptible to allergies and guess never realized how much Adderall helped get through this season. I'm miserable...I use netipot b/c almost any medication causes me worse side effects...but my mind feels like it is broken. Any help reminding me why I don't want to just get 10mg/day rx ....I did not abuse, and used for 17 long years....this is extremely depression triggering... Sorry to whine...
  12. PAWS or something else wrong?

    Weird Frank, might be on to something...this last week on the cloudy days I've been coma-like on velcro sofa. The sunny days we've had this week I walked 4 miles outside with my dog. And I too take vit. D. I don't really "notice" anything from taking vitamins or not.
  13. Trying to get off adderall without CRASHING

    I feel same...7 months clean and my motivation comes from remotely being able to help someone else not go down this path or help them get to this point. I SOOOOO feel for those that were put on this medication as a child. For me a doctor recommended it at 30 years old when I started. IMO it is 100% cruel to put a child or young adult on this crap. THAT IS THE crime. Each doctor that writes this for someone under 18 should have to take it themselves, then see if they think it is something an 8 year old child should be on!!! Soooooo sorry Jade. BUT you are so incredibly strong and you can do it. Just say how can I get through just one day at a time and for me it was getting mad at Adderall for highjacking my life and I didn't it want to control one more minute of my life. Best of luck.
  14. PAWS or something else wrong?

    Ha. Sorry, but I’m sooo there, passing 7month, and eat better than my whole life, and exercise.. I am fairly positive I won’t be back on Adderall again. And like you, when I’m good, I’m good, then the low mood days come and I am frantically searching for an answer. While typing this I wonder if that itself isnt some residual Adderall stuff...both in maybe not accepting lows with the highs since Adderall is always trying to make our brains think its all about the highs and 2ndly the researching that i constantly did on Adderall?... But I really struggle with accepting that I’m having a down day, then I overthink it into “something” that is actually NOTHING! Just my mind spinning off and me following it... After quitting I did Genesight and it came back that Adderall was actually a drug in the “red”for me...for 17 years I guess...just did 23and me to about some other crap.... I’ve seen probably 8 doctors in last 2 yrs, spent so much money on tons of tests and am finally thinking it is adderall and/or how adderall sets you up to not learn to process negative feelings or thoughts and make those feeling or thoughts just another thing for your adderall brain to figure out. But it can’t. So long story short. I totally share this feeling and/or habit when I’m down...the last couple of days have been shit. Maybe seasonal stuff accerbates symptoms too...who knows
  15. Advice for quitting a third time

    Hi Catherine. Tapering didn’t work for me for a couple of reasons i think...I was soooo ready to be done with it and sickened with myself when I did use it, I was tired of bashing myself for using it and tired of knowing that if I had it around I probably use whatever I needed in my warped mind to get through the day and it was always not the amount I was supposed to be tapering on, then I’d feel guilty and that vicious cycle was motivating enough to make me tear up my rx. I was just soooo done, my body had had enough of Adderall damage. My mind NEVER SHUTS OFF. I tried to use Headspace using Adderall, between my heart beating out of my chest and my mind racing, it was impossible...Now at 7months I’m just at 10 minutes/day and for those 10 minutes i’m “Present” maybe 7 minutes. 7 minutes more than on Adderall. You are soooo ready and you know it. And you know it is going to suck, but you will feel so proud of yourself for making it through that first day, then week. Do NOT discount these steps. They are huge! I’m thinking of you.
  16. Advice for quitting a third time

    I was on Adderall for 17 years. Quit cold turkey 7 months ago. It sucks but after trying tapering, i just said screw it and told myself I’m not going to die quitting Adderall, but NOT quitting May kill me. Adderall was making me overthink quitting and trying to know all the possible scenarios and potential problems of quitting. IMO an app like headspace helps realize all the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts you will go through are not you...Adderall is not your friend and it does NOT make you a better just make you think that... EAT good for you stuff, don’t drink and walk or light exercise outside, animals help too. I promise. You will get through it. This place has saved me!
  17. Mental Clarity

    HEADSPACE is awesome...not too overwhelming for someone not used to meditation and for me, I need the reminders and push and have really struggled with in the past, now using Headspace, I’m able to “stomach” it! And I totally concur on the eating and drinking...makes a huge difference and I believe a lot of depression, anxiety, ADHD stuff would be non existent if we all knew how much being in the right head space, and eating right really, really, really affect everything that we are medicating for.... if that makes sense...
  18. Different experience

    SOOOOOO true. I just turned...ugh 50, and started Adderall 17 years decreasing levels of hormones has been much worse than most of my friends and one of the main reasons I quit was to hopefully eliminated everything that could be contributing to this horrible way i was feeling....and at 6 months physically MUCH better...motivation, drive, are up and down as is the blahs.... and YES shit storm is about the best way to describe it....
  19. Mental Clarity

    God that is a great way to put it! I thought I loved to “think” on Adderall, although in hindsight that is basically all I did was “think” with little to no action later in my use....weird
  20. Different experience

    How old are you? My journey sounds similiar to you...was on for 17 yrs and only off 6 months. I took 10 mg forever and had gotten up to 40 mg just with last 2 years of my 17 years, when the noticeable side effects started occurring. And never binged or abused, and like you struggle off and on... Something else to think about is for women our hormones start to deplete as early as mid 30s and only get worse and can cause similar symptoms.... depression, lack of joy... And I crave an Adderall to help on those blah days...having today, but I kinda just say screw it and get through it some how...because like others, if not stopping now, when? I CANNOT imagine being a 70 yr old woman on Adderall. Or a 70 year old woman trying to get off of Adderall.... When I feel like this, this site is where I come. Thank goodness for this place.
  21. How long did you give yourself a pass?

    I think whatever you need to set yourself up to not use Adderall...For me making sure I did what I could to help my body, ie only having healthy food in the house and not drinking, because I knew having a hangover was always a trigger for me...we’ll I can just pop an Adderall and get rid of the hangover. Or a carb coma was another “reason” to pop one. I think the less guilt trip you give yourself the better, soooo a pass as long as you need and you need as long as you need to not use again... I just did something I would NEVER have imagined 6 months ago when i quit...did a 1000 mile road trip coincidentally on my anniversary date...anything is possible.
  22. Hmmm ...Not a good category to "win"...17 years. Never abused, up to 40mg/day last year or 2. Quit cold turkey 6 months ago. WHEW
  23. I totally agree with you. I threw it out along with all my other nootropics. Had bad anxiety (which I never have) and depression from not taking and just do NOT want another pill to control me...Now experiencing set backs from withdrawals from this crap, which is frustrating, but pretty sure its’ my mind and body’s way of saying I need to work with what I’ve got and learn how to do that without a pill. Thanks
  24. I've been trying several different Nootropics with varying degrees of success. I forgot I had order Modalert 200mg and took today. I'm approaching the 5month off Adderall mark and while I miss it, will never be on that crap again, nor any other psychiatric medications/drugs. Whew...was wondering what anyone else's experience were...are? There's no way this is a Nootropic in the sense that is doesn't cause harm...feels WAY TOO Adderall-like. And unfortunately I took 2.... Really odd, kind of helped remind me why Adderall was so bad for me, some of the physical side effects I got from Adderall I am experiencing with Modalert. Trouble with body temperature regulations, rapid heartbeat, jittery feeling, shaky hands. I may try just 200mg one day, but probably not soon .... Just curious if anyone else has any experience with...
  25. 20 months, what now?

    I am at 5 months and also struggle with finding the right words, but also find it much easier just to laugh it off. One of the BIGGEST positives that I wasn't even aware I was so lacking in during my 17 year Adderall use....LAUGHTER! I actually find myself giggling again and at first it almost felt foreign, then soooo good. Adderall in my later use made me more socially withdrawn and awkward (like too focused on everything), something I usually didn't struggled with... I definitely feel I need to find a purpose, but am finding I don't have the energy, motivation and self confidence to try anything NOW WHAT?