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About inneedofhelpBP

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  • Birthday 01/22/1992

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  1. Ready

    Rachel, Are you thinking of getting off of your antidepressants too?
  2. Day!

    Kimber, Do your thing girl! Sit on the couch. Treat yourself kindly! I know there are options for non habit forming add/ ADHD medications- though I don't know how safe or effective. I'm not a psychiatrist, so I'm not going to suggest anything, but there are options. As far as taking a low dose, a few things come to mind. In terms of what it does to your health- there is a forum where people have posted the negative side effects that they've experienced while using adderall. You probably will find some things you might not even realize are an adderall side effect on there. I think adderall is one of the more insidious stimulants, as it is government regulated speed. Are you able to take just the recommended dose or are you upping it on your own? If you are able to take the recommended dose- What if you took your low dose and talked to your doctor about tapering down? You just have to reflect on what it's done to you health wise and emotionally. Only then will you know for yourself if it's worth it. No one can decide for you. Like Sunnie said, if you're asking for advice, you might already know the answer. Sorry, I'm all over the place too.
  3. I can totally relate! I tried to quit cold turkey from Vyvance last weekend and by day 3 I couldn't read my texts. My sponsor would send me heartfelt messages and I could not even physically or otherwise bring myself to read them. Though I'd try. It would be like a horrible skimming job- I would see a few words then everything turned into "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah" I get not wanting to tell your spouse because that means business! If you're really ready, it will happen. If you're not, that's okay. Recovery is scary and remember, it's not linear. I've found that without support, nothing will change. The truth is, we don't have control over our addiction. If we did, we wouldn't be in this spot. I encourage you to really consider telling your spouse. You don't have to do this on your own. The feeling of, shit, now I have to change, is something I can totally relate to. It's your addiction causing you that fear though! It has the control. You just have to look within and evaluate whether you're ready to take back the control. I promise, you can do it!
  4. Ready

    Hi Rachel! Congrats on getting married! And for taking the first step to quit this addiction. The hardest part is realizing that there is a problem AND then doing something about it. The third day is always the hardest for me personally. I completely melt down. Did you decide to do it cold turkey or have you considered tapering? I know it's hard for us addicts to taper, because we're never quite able to manage the dose. Does your spouse know? I've found that reaching out to someone that I live was key in helping me stay on track. I'm supposed to be weaning myself off of Vyvance now, though I quit addy cold turkey a year or so ago. My dad now controls my medication and gives me one a day. I still have the urge to go look for it and take more, but fortunately he knows the exact number of pills that I have. Also, I don't want him to lose trust in me- so that's a driving force for me not to go looking. I tried quitting cold turkey recently from vyvance and like I said, by day three I was a complete wreck. I have five weeks left of this semester of school and can't afford to fail due to withdrawal. He's a pharmacist and he told me, you have a chemical, physical, and mental dependency on this drug. You can't just get off of it, as much as you want to. I guess it's all circumstantial- if you can afford to detox cold turkey, do your thing girl. But if you have responsibilities that would suffer because the reality is there is a lot of laying on the couch or in bed. Consider tapering. I am in no means trying to encourage the drug, the goal for me is to get off of it. But we should be kind to ourselves and just as we built up a tolerance to it, we have the option to decrease it. Just know you have options and YOU HAVE THE CONTROL. You are not your addiction. Hope this helps.
  5. Figuring Out Why You Take It

    I originally snuck my way into getting it because I "couldn't focus." The reality was, I wanted to lose weight. I had been bulimic since 17, and adderall suppressed my appetite so I wouldn't over eat and purge. I ended up losing weight, yeah. I lost over 20 lbs. I am 5'3" and 110 when I started using adderall. I dropped to 93 lbs within the first few months. But I STILL hated myself. I was skin and bones and still felt so ugly. Now I'm on Vyvance and if I were to guess my weight it would be 120. It's not helping me lose weight, but I'm still in the trap.
  6. Inspirational Music

    This is kind of lame, but my recovery song has been "Only Time" by Enya. Time is a sweet and precious gift. Reminds me that nothing's permanent. Helps that she has an angelic voice!
  7. First step

    I've been working through steps 1-3. I know I'm completely powerless over stimulants. I knew this when I'd abuse the hell out of my prescription and I'd say, ok, tomorrow I'll take it appropriately. That never ever happened. Many other things, but it boils down to: I have no control. And life has become unmanageable. My justification for my use- my excuses- were no longer valid. It wasn't helping me with school or work, nor was I losing weight. My favorite thing about the step program is this idea of believing in a power greater than yourself. I have had an issue from my childhood with the idea of God. The program has taught me that the god I knew when I was younger, is not the god I believe in now. Nor is my god the same as your god, or the next person's. It's subjective. I actually prefer the term "universe" to "god." I've realized if this was something I could manage on my own- i would have done that. I wouldn't have been abusing. I'm working on turning it over to the universe. If I don't have faith that the universe has a plan and will take care of me, I have absolutely no hope. I'm using and im dead. Because I can't do it on my own. You know?
  8. Has adderall affected your physical health?

    Subtracterall, It's hard for me to say because I switched from adderall to vyvance and still experience this, though the pulsing is not nearly as hard or strong as it was on adderall- if that makes sense. In between my adderall to Vyvance transition, I quit for I think four months. I don't recall the pulsing being present towards the end of that time. I notice other factors contribute to the pulsing. Too much caffeine, smoking cigarettes, and exercise definitely provokes the pulsing. I can't help but think that it all started from the addy. Maybe we're going to experience this for a while, until our bodies heal. Like I said, we're kind of guinnea pigs for this drug. Ive never seen a doctor for this. It's always been something I've kind of just accepted. Shouldn't be that way though!
  9. Has adderall affected your physical health?

    The scary truth of why we don't know the timeline/ damage it causes is because it hasn't been around long enough! We don't know what use/ abuse does to people 40 years down the road. I guarantee that 40 years from now, people are going to be like, "WHAT! People took that shit?! It was LEGAL?" My experience in no particular order is: Freezing cold Purple, blotchy skin 93 lbs (scary, I'm 5'3"- my friends called me "Skeletor") Heart problems- had a heart attack once- I was 21. Vein pulsations Panic attacks Thinning hair Thinning teeth Psychosis/ paranoia- heard music, voices, sirens Dizziness Cravings for more, more, more Involuntary neck/ head twitching Confusion, inability to read or understand things Inability to communicate normally- things that made sense in my head came out in pieces, robotic Memory loss
  10. addict

    My heart goes out to you BonesJones. I agree with Sonnie, maybe you should take the kids and get out. I know that's not an easy decision, I can't imagine how hard that will be. I can tell you, as a user for 5 years, it wasn't until last week that I realized how much devistation these drugs have caused in my life. You can't make her see she has a problem and from what you have said, she is in denial. She's in it right now. Only when she's hit her "rock bottom" and has lost everything that she is willing to lose, will she get help. Leaving her doesn't have to be permanent. What you're going through right now is not working though. Something needs to shift. I respect your willingness to stick around- you obviously love her. But where your words aren't getting through to her, your actions might be able to save her. Like Sonnie said, al- anon is a great resource for people who's loved ones are suffering from an addiction. Besides that, keep coming back here. Share your struggles, because it will not only help you, but it helps us addicts in our resolve for recovery. It allows us to reflect on the person we became while using. Most importantly, give yourself a break. It's absolutely important to reflect on your actions and dare I say, your part in your marriage. But don't buy into the labels she is placing on you. She is hurting, scared, and desperate to hold on to her addiction- that deep down, I'm sure she knows she has. Thank you for sharing. Please keep coming back.
  11. The #1 worst thing about Adderall

    In the past- years of failed school. Currently- My complete lack of confidence that I can survive in this world without it.
  12. Excessive fatigue

    I know the feeling. I was in bed for a month, maybe longer when I first quit adderall. People keep telling me "be kind to yourself." It does take time. I succumbed to stimulants again over the summer. This time, vyvance. I realized recently that I'm in it deep again, when I stole adderall from my best friend last week when I was visiting her in New York. I packed 8 50 mg vyvances for a five day trip and by day three they were gone. She didn't have many, so when I took all of them, it was noticeable. So I decided to get help and I tossed everything that I had. By day 3 I was a complete wreck and called my psychiatrist and told her everything. What did she do? She prescribed me 10 30mg vyvance pills to "wean me off" and what did I do? I blew through almost all of them and it's been two days. There are two things at play: our bodies need to adjust to not being on them- go easy on yourself, and we (or I) need to get used to the idea that we are good enough not on them. I'm wrapped up in feeling like I'm nothing without them. That's something I need to sit with. i apologize for my rant and going off topic. I'm grateful for this platform where I can be honest about this struggle, because shit, it's real
  13. Regrets

    Regrets, I have a lot of them. I regret ever going to that first psychiatrist to get my adderall script. For so long, and currently, I believe that I'm nothing without stimulants. "I'll have no energy without them" "I'll get fat" "I won't be successful." Such lies I've been buying for so many years. I've lost friends and someone that I really cared about because of my addiction. My boyfriend (at the time) would spend his evening after work making me dinner- and I wouldn't show up. No. I was at home cleaning, re arranging furniture. Moving. Constantly moving. He wouldn't know why I didn't come because I hid my addiction so well. It's not like I ever had to go out of my reach for the pills. I had it all at my fingertips. I regret failing years of school. I was so medicated that I couldn't leave my house. I was physically trapped. I'd start my homework and go off in unnecessary directions, over complicate everything and nothing ever got done. I believed truly that if I took enough, somehow through the grace of adderall, everything would get done. It never did. My boyfriend broke up with me because I was completely absent. Even when I was physically there. I'd be cleaning or preoccupied. I could never sleep when we "went to bed." I never ate. I wasn't acting like a human- a "normal" human. The adderall caused me to drink a bottle of wine every night. I survived off of cigarettes, orange pills, and white wine. I regret drinking along with my medication because that only caused me to think that I could handle more than I could when I stopped taking them. And I'd lose my shit. I'd over drink and completely embarrass myself. I regret stealing from a friend who really needed her prescription and who was taking it appropriately. She didn't have the money to afford a $300 script. And I stole so many from her. I stopped being friends with her because I couldn't handle her problems- she had a drinking problem and eating disorder and I couldn't face the fact that I was just like her. I doubt if I'll ever be able to apologize to her because 1. It was a toxic friendship and I'm actually scared of what she might do to me if I tell her 2. I'm so ashamed that I steeped so low I also stole from my best friend last week. I regret it, but that is the moment that I realized that I have completely lost control. I've since sought help and she is aware of what I did. The twist of the knife in my heart was that she was saving it because it was a memory she was holding on to of her boyfriend who died last year. That sucked to hear. She forgives me though and knows I'm sick and wants me to get better. I regret using at all. I regret all of those years that I don't remember. Doing insignificant tasks that are so insignificant that I don't remember. I wasted five years of my youth just cleaning, isolated, a fucking zombie- corpse. I regret losing sight of my big picture dreams because I was concerned about the things in front of me- is my room clean enough? Maybe I should re arrange that, then everything will be okay? Where are my pills? Fuck. I didn't bring my pills. I need to go back home and get them.
  14. Chicago

    @Nicole88- I noticed that you're post is recent. Have you quit using stimulants? I tried to go cold turkey on Saturday and by Monday I was a complete wreck. Would love to find a mentor who has gone through it already.
  15. Chicago

    I would love to meet up with people in the greater Chicago area with similar struggles. I've been going to AA meetings, and while I'm appreciative of the help, no one really understands what I'm going through.