rachel7822

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About rachel7822

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  1. Adderall and Alcohol

    Adderall definitely made me start drinking a lot. HOWEVER in these first stages I find myself using it to deal with recovery now that I'm not sleeping whenever I'm not at work. Definitely not good.
  2. Quitting again after a setback

    Day 7!!!! I clearly need bed. I meant day 3 of prescription waiting
  3. Quitting again after a setback

    Thank you! You have no idea how much it means to get some support. I'm prescribed Adderall and Vyvanse and currently have the latter waiting for me at the pharmacy (don't lose hope! It's day 3 and I haven't picked up) and it's so hard. Today's the first day I didn't imagine myself napping on the ground and in the road so I'm feeling ok. Although I did miss my subway stop on the way to work bc I fell asleep. Anyway just wanted to check in and say thanks.
  4. I quit for two and a half weeks and then my doctor called in my medication again even though I asked him not to. As soon as I got the alert that it was at the pharmacy I obviously took it. Today was my second day back on it and I felt like SHIT. Yesterday I took over my dose and today I only took one and still felt awful both days. Nauseous, headache, just felt like a zombie. And so ashamed--I had admitted it to my family and close friends so this felt doubly bad. I told my husband and we just flushed the remaining pills. I feel like I'm going to regret it later but we'll see. Feeling that was was NOT sustainable. I literally felt like I wanted to lay down in the road and die on my walk home tonight. Maybe this is really it this time.
  5. Social anxiety

    I'm dealing with this too. I've had social anxiety as long as I can remember but now I find myself avoiding all social situations and when I'm forced into them at work there is like one person I stand with and I barely utter a word to anyone else. My face turns red and I just can't find anything to say. It's rough, but I'm hoping it passes.
  6. Ready

    I'm not really sure. Maybe one thing at a time. This is tough enough as it is :/ On a brighter note, I've made it to day 8! i know that's nothing compared to others but it feels like an accomplishment to me.
  7. Not two hours Saturday--20. It was disgusting.
  8. So today is day 7 of quitting, and I found out that my doctor called in my prescriptions for Adderall and Vyvanse (I meant to tell him Friday but the office was closed when I got there--sketchy) so I see him this Friday. My husband told me if I don't have the strength to resist that he would pick them up for me and throw them away when I am at work. I slept for about 2 hours on Saturday but seemed slightly less fatigued on Sunday but I know I'm probably experiencing a "pink cloud", I still have zero motivation at work but was starting to feel like myself more yesterday and the day before--less fatigue and the sillier self that I used to be--laughing a lot and talking to friends. Last night I told my family and some close friends and even though they are supportive and say they aren't disappointed with me and that addiction never goes away but I feel so terrible and ashamed. I'm sitting at my desk right now at work trying not to bawl. I feel like such a failure for letting it get to this point, and I am praying that I have the strength to not pick up those prescriptions. I keep reminding myself how bad it had gotten halfway through taking Adderall, barely having the strength to shower or brush my teeth, getting up ten minutes before I had to go to work, sleeping with the bottle next to my bed because I physically could not get up without taking it first. I couldn't exercise because I thought I would have a heart attack and I would go all day without eating and then binge at night when it wore off- I didn't even lose any weight and I'm afraid of gaining more now. I am giving myself a week to eat whatever I want and then going to clean eating. I stopped my antidepressants and mood stabilizer and did feel better but I can't figure out if its from not taking Adderall or if its because I've been medicated for 15 years and I dont know what it feels like to be off of these drugs, so I decided to start taking them again since I don't want to do too much at once. I know I'm lucky to have such a good support system but I just feel so ashamed of myself and I know I will have good and bad days but it is so hard.It's hard for me to even write a simple email at work and I find myself ignoring them until the last minute. I do feel more outgoing but my biggest problem is I have massive anxiety and am prescribed to Klonopin. I'm afraid of stopping this at the same time but know I can't be on it forever, especially if I want to have kids one day. I contacted my old therapist (who I blew off last time) and considered meetings, but from my past experience they are not very open to people taking any kind of psychiatric medication so I am reluctant to go--I dont want to build relationships based on a lie. But maybe things have changed as I havent been to a meeting in years. Any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. This site has helped me tremendously and ultimately led me to the decision to quit. I know I can't live like that anymore or I will lose everything. I'm having some other health problems but I am hoping they dissipate as time goes on...heres hoping. I'm glad I was even able to write this and that gives me some hope.
  9. Ready

    Hi guys, Thanks for the support! My husband does know, but I don't think he knew how bad it had gotten until last night when I told him my pills were gone in under a week. I see my doctor tonight (I'm also on antidepressants) and I'm telling him I don't want anymore. I hope he doesn't suggest tapering because I just can't do that and if he says it I feel like I might be too weak to refuse. Right now I just feel like crying at work but the fatigue isn't too bad yet--it probably helps that I've been drinking Red Bulls all day I may also take Monday off to sleep. Im thinking about also coming clean to my parents because I feel like the more people who know, the more accountable I'll be--but I have to admit I am afraid of the disappointment. Thanks again for the responses, it helps to know I'm not alone!
  10. Ready

    Tomorrow will be day 1 for me. I've been getting worse lately--finishing scripts after a week, this month I actually pretended I lost my script and was able to get more, well that's all gone too, I'm on both Adderall and Vyvanse and honestly I'm prescribed so much but I take so much more I'm surprised I haven't fallen over dead from a heart attack. It's been maybe a year. Before this I was clean for a year or two from Adderall, but I can't even remember getting off of it; I don't remember it being as scary as this time is. Maybe because I was younger, now I'm 27, not in school, have more responsibilities etc. Before all that I previously beaten an IV heroin addiction and stopped using Adderall after abusing in high school. I can't believe I'm here again. I got married this month and should be having the time of my life but I guess this is the bed I made for myself. I just know I can't take this anymore and I want to be me again. I feel like a shell of myself but I'm so scared. I'm already dealing with other mental health issues (bipolar, anxiety) and don't know how much more I can take.