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About speedracer

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  1. 15 Month Update

    Great news! Congrats on 15 months, getting your energy back, and your weight loss! Thats huge progress. The rest will come. Numbing out emotions for 15 years with this sh.. might mean some arrested development for sure. I get it. Late bloomer here we come. Getting into action always seems to be the ticket. Whats the next indicated action. I didn't notice any comments about your spiritual progress, but I cant recommend it enough. Faith will overcome fear and anxiety. The cant exist together. Lets put on the "shield of faith". Cant hurt to pray. Your doing so great. Have a great week.
  2. Day 3 off Adderall

    Beautiful! Love it! Finding ways to meet our basic needs for love, connection, support, and a bunch of others basic survival needs are so critical. The site helps meet some of those needs.
  3. Day 3 off Adderall

    That was a fantastic post! Great way to get this journey started! Of all the complaints listed, the most significant to me was "I have lost my loving connection with God". You are blessed you a faith to begin with. I was thinking about this subject yesterday. I now have 13 months in this recovery. I tried for years to maintain my faith while taking adderall. I convinced myself God gave me medicine to treat my ADD condition. I convinced myself he was ok with all the stuff that goes along with adderall too, tons of beer to unwind at night, sleeping pills to get to sleep at night so I could work the next day, the explosive irritability towards others, and other sins I wont mention. I would wake up the next morning, take adderall and start my day with prayers and scripture, and then move on to hyper focus at work. I now see how that I was self deceived and I was blowing it. The 3rd step of AA says, "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him". That is so huge. Its the key to the recovery program. Its the biggest decision anyone can make. Even though I tried to do that while using, it was practically impossible. It ends up being all about my will, not Gods Will. I Im not living in or being led by the "Spirit" when i am on adderall. I end up in Self Will not Gods will. I am led by my "Flesh" or ego. Romans 8:13 " For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God". It was impossible to get rid of my ego on the pills. I was not being led by the Spirit. I knew it. I could feel it. And I was dying like the scripture says. Now that we are in such crazy times with Covid, BLM, and the economy, its critical to be connected. Time to drop anything which would interfere with my relationship with God. Or as the famous carpenter said, "repent". No more room for self deception. God has totally taken care of me since I made the decision to quit. Its hard but I do my best to "turn my will over to the care of God as I understand Him" daily. God bless you on this journey.
  4. Great thread! Thanks for sharing your story Older User and remember "Old Guys Rule". The comments from Quit Once and Sleepy Stupid are also so great. I just got home from a 9 day California road trip vacation up the coast and through Lake Tahoe for the first time in 20 years without adderall or booze. I am 13 months "clean and sober". Took the wife and kids and we had a great time. The wife and kids had more fun than me, but hek, I had a good time too. And I figure next year, if we do it again, I will get even more pleasure out of it becuase I will be two years down the road on recovery. I only had one down day, and I checked this site from my smartphone. I read your thread and immediately felt some relief that I am not going through this journey alone. At 13 months, I am supposed to have bad days. Every time it happens it like I have amnesia and wonder whats wrong with me? Did I ruin my life? Will I ever feel joy or pleasure again? And then the next day it started coming back. Thank God! I am 55 and wonder about every new symptom. My wife laughs at me and thinks Im a hypochondriac. I injured my back just rolling over in bed the other night. Lol. As far as leg complaints, I am not sure what that is. It sounds like your doing great with biking and weights, and thats got to help you tons to accelerate the recovery. I developed some foot problems about 6 months ago and its not going away. Its bumming me out. I have to get it checked out. I think its plantar fasciitis. Im trying to make up for it with swimming and biking but its hard to develop new exercise routines. I totally relate with your PTSD event. I had tons of those. I think we burn out our adrenal glands on adderall and it makes us less tolerant of stress. We are already pumping high levels of adrenaline because of the adderall and when we get hit with some intense stress it becomes overwhelming. Thats part of the reason I had to stop. After that my blood pressure also returned to normal. I researched all of that in my first 6 months and I am starting to forget all the things I learned. Anyway, I was convinced I suffered from severe "Burn Out" and adrenal fatigue. My wife also diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder, but it turns out it was all just the withdrawal and recovery. Everything is so much better today. My sleep continues to improve. I am obsessed with sleep hygene. I think its my favorite subject. I even ask the kids about their sleeps. Without a decent sleep, I feel like I am doomed. Its life or death for me. So I am always on the lookout for help. Last night I took two tylenol PMs and I got a great sleep. But I dont want to do that again tonight. Anyway, I wanted to share my favorite new book for dealing with the underlying ADD naturally is called "The Drummer and the Great Mountain" by Michael Joseph Ferguson. This guy figured it all out and he wrote a great book about transforming adult ADD. We dont have to re-invent the wheel. So many good suggestions and tools. Welcome aboard! Look forward to hearing more from you down the road.
  5. Absolutely, congrats on 8 months! You have come a long way baby! I hope you keep going. You should be getting to the good stuff soon. Your energy should come back and increase month by month. There will be continued waves of weakness and fatigue, but you will get some good days and weeks too. I am on month 12, and last week before the 4th, I had my best week so far. It was the first full week of productivity without losing days to fatigue. yay! . A huge milestone for me. My wife sometimes misses the old social me, where I could party like a rockstar, have fun with anyone, and blast away with on high dopamine, but she tells me regularly how much better I am today on a day to day basis. And because of this site, she understands I will go through cycles of fatigue where I cant do anything productive. I am doing my best to stay positive. I think positive affirmations are huge. We have to change our patterns of thought, our habits of thinking from negative to positive. "We are getting better and better." " We are healthier and stronger than before. We are more at peace. Our marriages continue to improve." Create affirmations to counter the negative thoughts. "I am strong and energetic". "I have what it takes to get through this." "My marriage is getting better and better every day and in every way". Our daily consciousness impacts our final outcomes. It was so easy to think positively on the medication but now its really hard. With humility and self empathy, we need to rebuild our self image without the meds. Its so hard to do but I am starting to make affirmations a habit. i challenge you to try it for 30 days.
  6. 16 Months Update - Feeling better

    Thanks for sharing Jacob! I really appreciate hearing about your timeline! How long did you take adderall and what was your dosage? Can you share that?
  7. What is life

    Im super impressed you put these thoughts and feelings into words. Your sentences are clear and articulate! LOL You got this! You will get through this! Give yourself permission to take as much time as you need. Give yourself permission to feel like dirt. You are so early in recovery. No pressure. I made it to 12 months now. So many waves of crippling depression over the past year. Look forward to hearing about your next good day.
  8. Had to Know, Now I know

    I enjoyed reading Beback17 post. It took me back to my own use and I related, especially about the negative thinking and having her soul hijacked. YUP. So much productivity but is it worth the cost. The famous carpenter said, "What does it benefit a man to gain the whole world if he loses his soul?" I was surprised to see Franks post. Ouch - I didn't get that either. But ironically after I quit adderall my wife told me should thought I might be bi-polar and I should have it checked out. I was open to investigate and I even went to a therapist she found to talk about it. M y wife came with me. She expressed her concern. I kindly explained I was in the early stages of recovery from long term adderall use and it might be a good idea to wait at least six months before jumping to conclusions. To her credit, she totally agreed. One year later, my condition leveled out and my wife no longer thinks I am suffering from that condition. Sure I have tons of other issues, LOL, but the bi-polar diagnoses was taken off the table. This site gave me the confidence and awareness to explain the recovery process and the time frame. Without it who knows, i might be taking medications for a condition I dont have.
  9. First Day Back to Work

    Congrats DrewK15! yippee!!! Great news...Thanks for posting your update. So great to hear about this milestone. Cant wait to hear more down the road.
  10. I wish for more connection...

    Hi there. I hope you are feeling better. I woke up feeling stuck in the mud, but after a walk on the beach i felt better. I am coming up on a year. I used to go to AA meetings until the Corona virus. I highly recommend hitting a few per week when they open back up NA or AA but I recommend stopping all substances if your going down that path. I stopped it all and its working well. I also learned some amazing stuff from a Dr. Marshal Rosenberg and his work. He says we have all been educated poorly when it comes to figuring out our NEEDS. He says we all have a set of universal needs like companionship, love, community, safety, autonomy, creativity, meaning and purpose. He started the Center for Non Violent Communications which is amazing for conflict resolution with others. I have been practicing it with my family and it works so well. No more fights... "Feelings are the lights on the dashboard letting us know needs are going unmet". Needs are the life force. We need to figure out or discovery what needs are going unmet, and then take actions to meet those needs. I have been doing my best to identify unmet needs when I get into depression or fatigue. I make "action lists" to help cover the basics. Based on Rosenbergs work, I kind of get why AA and other 12 step programs are so effective. So many our human needs are met by going to those meeting and working on those steps. Needs for fellowship, to be heard, empathy, love, support, service. etc I also love the writings of Emmet Fox who was apparantly responsible for all the best principals of the AA program. The founders of the program apparently studied his work. He has a book called. "Power Through Constructive Thinking" which is amazing! I love focusing on Emmet Fox when I am feeling lost. I just bought a new book of his called "Alter your life". I cant wait to read it next. You can also find his work on Youtube. He has other stuff like, "life is consciousness" and "The Golden Key". Its all so good when your in the dumps. I hope he can help others as much as he helps me.
  11. To fill or not to fill

    Sounds like torture to have that lingering temptation in your mind. I would encourage you to take a step of faith or take an action to eliminate the access. Not sure how to do that but I would find a way to kill it...
  12. Stiff and Cracking Joints

    Water is key yes! Also important is diet. Sounds like you may have tons of inflammation. Low carb high fat or keto diet can get rid of it. Got to get rid of sugars...its amazing how important diet is.
  13. Lawyer Trying to Quit Vyvanse - Any Advice?

    I may be a little late to the party here, but I wanted to chime in. I am a practicing lawyer and I was stuck in the same trap you describe. I relate with everything you posted. Almost felt like a martyr. I was so stuck. Once you realize the ady lifestyle isn't sustainable, it only gets worse. I was on this drug for 20 years. I once quit for 6 months in 2007 but I got hit with a wave of fatigue, fear, and the DTD's (dumber than dirt), I didn't think I had a choice. I put my career above my recovery. I should have kept going. I didn't have this website back then. I was flying blind. Now I know better. Practicing law sucks most of the time. I agree with Drew. Find something else. Life is too short. We have to find work we love or like enough to do without needing the stimulants. I currently have a flexible part time arrangement where my bills are getting paid and I have the time and space to recover. I have a couple of cool biz ideas I want to explore and I hope I have what it takes to go for it when I am ready. I have 11 months. I think we have to put recovery first or life falls apart and really bad things happen. Its true for me. I made it to this point and I am still breathing, but if I could go back and quit for good after 5 years of using, I would. If you have good insurance in place, use it! There may come a time when you lose that along with everything else, and then your really screwed. Take advantage of all resources at your disposal to get healthy and happy without worrying about how it looks to others.Just my two cents. Good luck bro.
  14. I relate. I couldn't cut the cord for so long. I finally got so burnt out, and I couldn't see any more benefits. The diminishing returns had all fried up. Every time my work ramped up, or I had a strong dose of stress related to some survival instinct, I abandoned my plan to quit adderall. I finally got to a place where I had to focus on recovery or die from health problems.( If you have the means and resources to go to rehab, I would recommend it. I wish I could have done that a long time ago) We all need the time and space to focus on recovery. It takes everything we have to get through the first year.
  15. 11 Months Today

    Hello my friends! I have 11 months today and after lurking around this site for the past year, I finally have enough mojo and clarity to share. I want to start with a huge THANK YOU to everyone who shares their stories and struggles so a guy like me can understand WTF is happening on this journey from darkness to the light. All your stories really helped and I love you all for it. I chose ‘Speed Racer” as my ID because I totally identify with this classic cartoon character, not so much these days in recovery, but definitely during my many years of Adderall use. NOW after 11 months, the dust is settling and the fog is lifting. I survived what seemed to be one crazy PTSD crises after another. It lasted for years and years until I finally got to a place where I could direct all my attention to recovery. It was a 15-year gauntlet of pain, loss, and suffering I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and I took Adderall the whole time. It gave me the strength and power to fight. It lifted me out of my fear and depression. I used it because I could at least function and survive what was happening to me. I was first diagnosed with ADD during a nightmarish divorce with custody battles from hell in 2001 and I continued to use Adderall through my career battles where I was constantly fighting for my reputation, my career, and my sanity. Years later, I finally made it to the other side safely. I am finally in recovery. I was sure the Adderall helped me avoid total destruction. But now Im not so sure. I wonder how much of my suffering was self-inflicted or aggravated by the Adderall. Where exactly was I self-deceived about the drug? Was the medication actually making everything worse? Could I have avoided years and years of pain and suffering with a strong surrender and commitment to sobriety in 2007 when I first tried? I think so! Ever since I finally surrendered 11 months ago, my life has gotten supremely better in so many ways. All the crazy drama miraculously went away. But I am suffering in a different way, one with waves of depression, anhedonia, PAWS, lack of confidence, lack of clarity, and a limited social life. But even with that, I can also say I have never had it so good. I am no longer fighting someone or something. I learned some amazing principals from AA and the program has really put things in perspective. I love the 12 steps. Although I may not be an “alcoholic” per se, the literature and the elements of living a spiritual life are amazing. Today, all my needs are getting met. I have been granted the time and space to recover not only from the Adderall but all the stress injuries accumulated along the way. The most valuable lesson I learned from this site has to be the actual timeline for recovery. I have come to accept the fact it will probably take me 2 years to get to my baseline. I used Adderall for almost 20 years together with booze and sleeping pills. I agree with one post I read which compares our condition to a chemically induced “traumatic brain injury” and like all brain injuries, it takes at least 2 years to heal. I also need healing from all the traumatic stress, loss and grief along the way. I was numbed up with adderall for almost 20 years. My mojo is probably better today than its been all year. Thats why I can finally write something. With all the daily fluctuations, the stock price (my emotional health) keeps rising higher and higher over time. I am getting more and more days of clarity and motivation. Tomorrow I will probably get hit with another wave of depression or fatigue and the stock price will drop significantly, but I am prepared for it. There have probably been at least 10 times where I would have given up if I didnt know the waves do pass. They always pass if I take the right actions with diet, nutrition, exercise, prayer and meditation. Every time I get in a funk I go to this site and then I start coming up with a list of simple actions I can take to get my needs met. Needs for community, companionship, understanding, love, exercise, etc...I call a friend and set up a time to get together. I go for a hike. I call my brother. I try to help others. The waves of pain always pass with right action. Taking right action always gives me relief. It usually takes a day or two but it does come. Understanding where my basic human needs are going unmet, helps me identify what may be triggering my depression. I am learning about of my own basic needs and how to meet them without taking a pill.