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About speedracer

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  1. October Month of Magic

    Thank you GeorgiaRigby! Great thread! I appreciate how you described your crazy relationship to this drug. I get it. I read it a couple of times to remind me what it was like. I would pop a pill to get something done, go to parties, long road trips, packing, moving, TAXES, or whatever. The pills gave me so much courage and motivation. With underlying ADD, the medications worked wonders for me. I thought of them as my glasses. I had clarity. I could see what needed be done. I had executive functioning. But like the info on the first pages of this website, I had lots of problems and the drug stopped working like it used to. My brain is selective. It only remembers the good times, and not all the negative side affects, the health issues, the loss of dignity in getting perscriptions filled, the combativeness and the hair trigger fights, the increased ego and loss of humility. I think there are strategies to accelerate the recovery which need to be tweeked for each of us. No pun intended. Diet, exercise, sleep, spiritulaity, a new daily routine to get the maximum results. I went to AA for the first 11 months of my sobriety and I loved the program and the 12 steps. Although I am not the type of acloholic who cant stop drinking once he starts, I drank alcoholically for years and years while using adderall. AA states "the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking". So I went to AA and made some new friends and the support really helped alot. But then after 16 months of total sobriety, and with the encouragement of my wife, I decided to have a few margaritas on her birthday. She is convinced adderall is my nightmare, not alcohol. So I went for it and It was anti climactic. We had a great time but I lost interest in booze after 2 drinks. That never happened when I was on adderall. I also had a few beers this last weekend socializing and again no big deal. So thats a good sign. I will keep you posted as time goes on. Best of luck on your road to recovery.
  2. When will I feel again?

    Thank you for sharing your story. It helps us all to hear from you. I am sorry you are suffering so much. You got 12 weeks after 6 years of low dosage and yet your brain seems to be reacting terribly to the quit. The more posts I see like this, the more it seems the dosage is not as significant as the length of time using. Your brain needs time to heal and I constantly tell myself it might take two years to get to a baseline of recovery. This drug really is scary because after using it for long periods of time, we all end up depleted and depressed. After 14 months, my wife convinced me to talk to a doctor about depression. I was reluctant becuase I thought it was just part of the recovery. But i started on Wellbutrin about 5 weeks ago and I do feel better. My mojo is low today, but the week before was great and I got lots done. You obviously had a terrible reaction to the Zoloft. Maybe ask your doctor about Wellbutrin? It seems to be the most effective medication as far as this forum goes. And understand the waves of PAWS during the first couple of years. Track your days with a journel. At 12 weeks, you are well on your way! You will get throught this. You are passing through. It is temporary. Acceptance is key. Accept your feelings, your moods, your depression as where your supposed to be. Let your family know it will take some time. For all intents and purposes, your on disability. You are healing. You should be at least 50% better by the time you get married. Maybe even 100%. Diet and exercise are critical. Dont eat bad mood foods.
  3. 8 days ago I posted I would cut out social media becuase I was feeling so stressed out and depressed. Too much politics, coronavirus, and BLM. So I have cut down , and I do feel much better. But I must be addicted becuase I cant stop. LOL I still check in. Could I really be feeling better because I cut down on social media? Today and yesterday I had great days with family. Took the wife on a date night last night and then we had a soccer game for the kids this morning. Last night I almost drank a beer. Its been 16 months of complete sobriety and now I am thinking about tipping my toes into drinking again socially. Generally and objectively speaking, life is improving. Good things are happening despite the crazy in our world today. I dont want to screw it up. But maybe I can drink beer or wine safely without any problems. What do you guys think? Any thoughts? Anybody try beer and wine after 1 or more years off adderall?
  4. Adding to sleepystupid, the last few years of my adderall career, I noticed a huge problem with the medicaitons itself. The quality of the drugs turned into total crap.Different manufacturers came up with different products. Some of them were pure poison to me. Total ADD symptoms from hell. I had to take full bottles to my doctor and give them to him so he could write a new persciription. That sh.. was super scary and toxic. It took me awhile to figure it out...I think aerobindo was the scariest of them all. I always had to buy the generic. So its true, some of those meds are very toxic.
  5. Hey Lolbats! Congrats on making the decision to quit! No better time than today, especially since you no longer have that stressful day job. Your story is interesting because you used for 3 years at relatively low dosage and yet you still have the same issues as the rest of us. But you should probably have a shorter recovery period. I used 20-30 mg per day for 15 years or so, and I am giving myself 2 years to reach some sort of baseline. It will be super interesting to see how it goes for you. Thank God you surrendered when you did because you will have saved yourself from all sorts of suffering. Welcome to the journey back to health! I looked at my first month off this drug as a form of disability. After several months, I looked at it as partial disability. At 16 months, I have returned to work "full duty" but I still get days where I cant function. Acceptance is the key. Not rushing yourself or giving in to unrealistic expectations of performance. There are so many great posts with timelines. Even at 3 years, your dopamine system got hijacked and will need time to restore itself. From my experience, we have injured our brains and that body part needs time to heal. The good news? LIfe is generally better and more rewarding than it was taking adderall. Egos get deflated, a new perspective sinks in, and life gets better and better as the quality of our relationships improve. As for career, give yourself plenty of time to heal before you set new goals or put pressure on yourself. Its ok to feel disabled. You are! I wish you the best of luck on this journey. Pray, eat well, move your body, hydrate, and take care of yoursef. Its ok to be selfish during this period of your life. Look forward to hearing more about your progress.
  6. Sleep PAWS?

    I used to take ambien to get to sleep after a day on adderall. That lasted for almost 10 years which is probably another huge aspect of my recovery. When I quit adderall, I quit the ambien and the booze. These days I take all sorts of over the counter stuff like advil PM, benedryl, melatonin, valerain root. I havent even tried to sleep without taking something. But even with some of this, when I do have a PAWS episode, your right, my sleeps really suck. I got a sleep app on my iphone which tracks my sleep called Sleep Score. Its kind of cool. Not perfect, but its free and it give me a great idea how I am doing with REM, Deep sleep, light sleep, how long I slept, and how many times I woke up. If anybody has any more advise, I am all ears.
  7. Great advise my friend. Thank you! I will do that starting today. And if I like it, i wil roll it into a 90 day commitment.
  8. Oh boy, I am sorry to hear about your tragic loss and suffering. Sounds like a real Dr. Jekle and Mr. Hyde story. I dont think I have ever heard anything like as far as it relates to this drug. I know it changes personalities, but this is over the top scary. I will be praying for all your recoveries.
  9. Hi guys! Just curious how the events of 2020 are affecting your recovery? After a stern warning from the wife this morning that I am more interested in facebook, youtube, and the news than her, I had to admit she had a point. So I am taking a good look at myself. I apologized. I am dealing with anhedonia at month 16, so I not very motivated to begin with. I used to party hard on occassions and we used to have good times. Now I am completely sober and kinda I started wondering if the stress and isolation of 2020 may also have something to do with it. I obssess too much on politics, and I admit facebook and other social media is starting to feel like an addiction. The division and hate in our country is freaking me out. Bible prophecy seems to be unfolding in front of my face. BLM, Trump vs Biden, truth vs lies, left vs right, and the dystopian society we are living through with face masks and social distancing is all so creepy. My pscyhe may be fragile after 20 years of adderall use, even if I mostly took it as prescibed. I have symptoms of depression which i attributed to recovery and I started taking some wellbutrin 3 weeks ago. Mental health is the big goal. Improving my quality of life is the whole point. I dont want to hurt my chances by veering out of bounds with obssesive thoughts about the "end times" or civil unrest. My wife scared me this morning when I could see we have a serious problem beyond just the recovery. If I dont make a course correction, I might not have a wife when this journey is over. I think its partly due to the underlying ADD, but I also think I am distracted by the crazy events of 2020 and what looks like the most important election of our lifetimes. WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? Is social media stealing your attention? Is the stress of 2020 aggravating or interfering with recovery? Do you have underlying ADD issues? Should we be avoiding the news, social media, and any other potential sources of stress until we are out of the woods with recovery?
  10. 4 years clean - a recovery timeline

    Timelines like the one Cassie posted here are priceless. I absolutely loved reading it. She wrote it on New Years Eve 2015, over 4 years ago. I cant believe the similarities of her experiences with mine. She obviously put in the work and it looks like she made a complete recovery after 3-4 years. What a journey. I am so committed to the same journey. Im comming up on 16 months, and I see that at 18 months, she still suffered severe anehdonia and continued to improve through the 3rd year. This supports the theory that our brains need significant time to heal from this drug, like a traumatic brain injury. Thank you Cassie!
  11. Got Engaged Last Monday

    Awesome Bro!!! Congrats...Love this news!!! It really is a great milestone. And the relationship will continue to improve as you continue to improve and there is no way addy will hurt the relationship at this point.
  12. Year Two Malaise

    I am deep into my second year with almost 16 months. Still having trouble with fatigue, clarity, motivation. I started taking Wellbutrin 3 weeks ago and got a bump in mood and productivity, but honestly, I had hoped it would do more for me. This last weekend I went to a covid funeral, saw some friends and family, and afterwards I was wiped out. I felt miserable for a couple of days. I think it may have been a PAWS episode? I am feeling a little better today. sometimes I wish I could manage my life better. During the first year, I tried Keto diet for awhile, worked out a lot, and I think I was doing better. I gave that diet up months ago and I have been pouding Ben and Jerrys. So today I am committing to give up the sugar and carbs once again, and I will also try to do a meditation daily. Just felt like sharing....Have a great day everyone.
  13. Alcohol

    Hey, thanks for jumping in. Your symtoms sound familiar. It sounds like depression and anxiety. You should talk to a doctor about it. What if you find something that helps your quality of life? Getting some treatment for the problem makes sense. I just read somewhere that diagnoses for general anxiety disorder and depression have tripled over the last year. So not only are we fighting the battle of recovery, but we have to deal with the stress of 2020 as well.
  14. Alcohol

    Jenny, I am glad you asked. We really are on the same wave. Im just out ahead of you by a bit. My wife would routinely mention I need to try anti-depressants. She has had family members and known friends who really do well on them. I was against it for the same reasons you are. I figured its just part of my recovery from long term adderall use. I have to go through it. I will go through it. etc. But starting the first of September, for whatever reason, I noticed my fatigue, anhedonia, and motivation were worse than August. OK so my recovery is not linear. I get it. But I wondered if my wife was right. I started researching Disthymia and depression and began thinking, I might be cutting myself short unnecessarily. What if I do respond well to Wellbutrin? What if I am foolishly giving up quality of life when I could get help for depression? So I went for it and so far my wife was right. Its nothing like adderall. Its subtle and effective. In fact, I learned after the fact, that this drug is sometimes used to treat add. Its only been 12 days, and its supposed take 30 days to get the full results, but I am delighted so far. I noticed I laugh more, and I feel kind of normal. I dont notice any significant side effects. I feel like I can start making plans again. Its giving me more confidence to meet and see poeple. More motivation for sure. That little adjustment is helping me exercise more, and the more I exercise, the better I feel. I plan to take it for another 9 months or until I hit the two year mark on my sobriety. I read some threads on here from a gal name Cassidy? She wonderfully explained her journey and it was encouraging to see how she had used wellbutrin effectively.
  15. Alcohol

    Me too. I quit the beers and Addy at the same time. Total sobriety. Its been 15 months. I crave a beer more than anything after a long day at work like right now, or socializing. Very few addy cravings ever. Its been 15 months. I set a goal of 1 year on everything, and then i was plannign to back to beer socially with friends. After I hit the 1 year, I decided to keep it going. I dont want to take any chances. I just started on Wellbutrin for depression and it really is helping me turn the corner on fatigue and depression. I am performing better at work and doing better with friends and family. I guess after 20 years of use, the pendulem swung hard the other way...