Jennyleighleigh

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About Jennyleighleigh

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  1. A once vibrant soul destroyed

    I think its just the nature of forums like these for people to read and not reply. God knows i lurked for days before i finally had to say basically "oh my god me too". It's my suspicion that we're similarly creative and vulnerable people, and that its really no coincidence we all tried adderall and liked it, we all felt we have some inherent "deficit" (attention, energy flow etc) and we're all afraid we will amount to nothing in society without it. When i started taking it regularly, with a.prescription and a full time.job, I realized it truly anchored me, that without it I'm too flighty and woulda hopped a train hobo style years ago. Maybe i shoulda done that. Or maybe i need to learn to control my impulses and find things that are fulfilling so I dont wanna just go elsewhere when life gets boring. I also think people settle for too.little in their own lives, that maybe "the american dream" isn't as great as it sounds. Thats what i.was settling for with the aid.of adderall, that's what's expected of people . We have.to.be.productive members of society, and we don't have too many options to define what productive actually is. We're really just consumers, and maybe that's the real deficit. People i know who've made it to live "the dream" are terribly unhappy, alcoholics, on ever increasing doses of prozac (haha who even takes Prozac anymore!! So old school)... I'm constantly trying to reconcile what i actually want and i still have no idea. I'm also starting over from scratch. Seeing the world with new eyes. We'll see.
  2. A once vibrant soul destroyed

    Also I dont know shit about shit. I am telling myself this crap because I'm tired of hating myself and hating where i am in my life, so i quit the.only.thi.g.i felt had the power to change my whole perspective. The adderall. All of my 20s, 3 years of.my 30s. Dont let the fear of quitting, that fear of.pain and lethargy get you. If you can focus to make this decision to quit with the remaining LOVE you have in your heart for yourself and your LIFE, use it.
  3. A once vibrant soul destroyed

    There has got to be. You will find redemption. You did it before, and you can do it now. You have everything you need. Get angry!!! If you submit to the idea that it robbed you of who you are forever (which hasnt happened, if it had you probably wouldnt have reached out), then you resign your will to it. Its a BITCH and I am trying every moment of the day to forget about it how.easy.it makes the most basic.of things. I also dont give.a SHIT ANYMORE about what a grungy loser people might think I am, because they.dont know my struggle and they don't matter. You can still provide. Do you have to participate in the subliminal I'm better than you because I'm wearing clean expensive clothes? Challenge that shit! The creativity and the success and the purpose is all up here (pointing to my head) and if you live your life unapologetically (true to yourSELF), then the right things will come your way. And when they come, and they belong to you because you fertilized those possibilities, they will be far more rewarding and encouraging than an artificial enthusiasm spurred by.amphetamines.
  4. Had to get this off my chest.

    It's not just disgusting, it's idiotic and makes no sense. I'm gonna go a mile further here and add that pro-lifers are generally in the red camp and don't seem to bat an eyelash when the war machine goes into overdrive and sends their children off to fight and die for what amounts to a big pile of lies. Although blue campers also support war to some degree, at least they care that their women aren't mutilated by shady doctors and feel it is a decision they have no business making. I ask, who are the real baby killers? The whole thing makes my blood boil.
  5. Lost my job due to Adderall

    I am also unemployed as of January and the physical and mental waste of space I became really got to me. The adderall seemed to help the negativity in my brain cycle faster and faster, like it amplified how bored I was, how boring I was, how much of a fuck up I was, and not once did I get to step out of that cycle til I saw it, face to face. I hear a lot of that "what the fuck have I done with my time I'm such an idiot" tone in your post. And it's likely everyone here has heard that voice, too many times. What little experience I have with this sobriety thing (2 wks), after the depression and lethargy peak in terms of withdrawal, I have found myself less apologetic about what it is I'm going through, and a lot more gentle with myself mentally. As if adderall were some brain-Nazi, and you have Stockholm Syndrome, it takes time to forgive yourself. And it helps to not have that asshole in your life anymore.
  6. Beyond luck, right place and time

    Frank, yeah this has been a HUGE concern of mine. Although, I must say my self control has been nothing short of stellar theses past couple weeks. I'm amazed at myself. The difference now being, of course, this is my choice, I want this, rather than it being forced on me. Your keyword being LONG TERM. So very true. I'm giving him time to see for himself, his moods and all that being worsened by adderall. Although he is very disciplined in his usage (only small amts and only on workdays), he may not share the same addictive tendencies towards it like I do. He may never have the need to quit like I did. So yeah, as far as long term success goes, I HEAR THAT!! Andy, my Kratom use tends to sorta fluctuate naturally, going a few days here and there essentially forgetting to take it, and when I do, I think it's maybe close to 2 grams max in a day. I find the smaller doses more effective a lot of the time. I'm still an insane unapologetic advocate for it, for medicinal uses of course
  7. Same Shit (kinda?) Same Toilet

    Gotta love that "best of intentions" feeling tho, right, cashing in the next script "this time will be different" determination... Maybe trying to exercise your will power over things that aren't so compulsory, things you can control, and trying to build that strength will help your overall big and final quit when that hoappens. It seems like adderall has a mind of its own after you've been using it for a long time... no longer do YOU decide where your focus and energy will be. For me it came in great spurts of creativity for a day or two at a time, while in between for weeks or months were periods of great uninspiration and depression. So the nature of the drug itself does not lend it's uses to that aspiration of quitting, but does so in retrospect, or after a particularly taxing binge. You are learning your patterns and that's crucial for learning to deny your cravings when they come. You'll figure out exact moments that often trigger your compulsion to use. It may be useful to write them down when it happens, what pushes you to need to use. You can then meditate on the root causes of this later. And as you already know, just the act of writing it out helps process how difficult all this is. These things have to be addressed and in time the exercise of denying yourself and empowering your will makes you so much stronger!! You have to focus on the smallest of achievements... and meanwhile try not to mock yourself for these small things. A lot of little steps amount to a big step. My self hate is always making fun of how big I make the small things.
  8. i need to know whats normal

    Me too, Frank, and honestly my experience has been easier kicking opioid than adderall, there's always drug seeking behavior that is hard to overcome, but the psychological grip adderall has had on my life beats it all, except maybe caffeine and nicotine. I haven't been to any meetings before, and I'm not quite 2 weeks sober. But that is the longest self imposed adderall denial I've ever had. All the other times was usually problems in my supply, not quitting by choice. This is the strongest decision I've made in a long time, and can't wait to see what it impacts will be, years down the road.
  9. i need to know whats normal

    I have been diagnosed 'clinically depressed', but that was when I was a preteen. Then they thought it was just low self esteem. When I was 16 I felt I was on the verge of paranoid schizophrenia, I had experiences that I cannot deny were real fucking weird and my friends were there and remember. I try very hard to keep myself grounded, and adderall was the biggest anchor. But now, it's another existential crisis, I don't know what I want out of life. There's so many things that fascinate me and I can't seem to narrow anything down to pursue. And I have to constantly remind myself that it's MY life, no one else's. For all I know and for all that actually matters, this world is all a construct of my conciousness... so if I don't "do me" first then nothing matters!! and if everybody in the world is gonna walk around pretending everythings okay, that's their prerogative, not mine. You mentioned change, and the one NA (I think) quote that resonates with me so hard is "when the pain of staying there same is greater than the pain of changing, you'll change". If I hadn't accepted my fate as a vacant robot on speed for the rest of my life, and known that it would bring me insanity or prison or suicide (the suicide/insanity started to actually manifest in my life), then I wouldn't be doing this last grasp at finding out why I'm even here. Some people live lives of great serendipity, right place right time kinda shit, and even on the mundane level. But the only thing these people have in common is they've always been true to themselves. That's what I want, that's what I'm missing. Integrity, focus, passion, determination, perseverance, etc etc. There was once a time in my life when I made decisions based on certain abstract symbols, or" signs" which I prefer not to call them cuz it's a lame word, but whatever force was once there has been gone for a long time. And that makes me sad, I don't know if I'll ever get back that guidance. I don't know how I lost it, but I'd bet it's because of a lack of being true to myself.
  10. i need to know whats normal

    Hi, I'm a Jennifer too I joined this forum about 10 days ago when I, like you, decided it was time to stop. So much in your description is very similar experience to me, the clinical depression, the social anxiety. I got to a point where if I continued got use adderall and continued to lose what little self I had left after 12 years, there'd be no point to any of this "life". What I'm trying to break away from is other people's expectations of what their "life" means that is somehow superimposed on top of my own perspective. The things that slowly kill us and our soul over time (dead end miserable jobs, rat races, this innate need to get things done and get our shit together) at the end of the fucking day, is SOMEBODY ELSE'S AGENDA. Yes, we need to work to survive. We also need to KNOW OURSELVES or we'll always be playing catch-up in our lives. I honestly think, and this is my experience, no doubt different than yours, that working on your mind post-adderall, the hard shit, the traumas that seem like nothing compared to war vets, the ugly mean bitch in there that is secretly stealing vital energy that you so desperately need, these shadows in yourself need to come to light. And this sorta sweeping, cleaning out of the attic so to speak, can give you the fresh perspective you need to find out WHO YOU ARE, where you are going, and what truly matters to you so you aren't constantly feeding that void. It hurts like fuck but I know one day, for me, it will be worth it. I'm ten days sober, and that's my surface as I've scratched it. Your truth might be very different. For me this is a massive undertaking, and I can't be successful unless my eyes are clean. I hope this helps in some way. I've just always felt so lost day to day, every day it seemed worse until I'd create some fiction about myself in some manic episode or delusion of grandeur. And this is like that, but I'm not high anymore. So maybe I'm insane. I can only know and respond to a life that I build for me, and yeah I gotta start all over, at 33 years old, unmarried, unemployed and possibly pregnant. But goddamn it, at least it's gonna be real. It's all I got left.
  11. Night and day tendencies

    So this is day 5 for me. All the usual symptoms, nothing terribly out of my realm of coping. But I've noticed that the further away from the morning as I get, not including mid afternoon fatigue, the better and better I feel throughout the day. So once the clock hits maybe 6, or 7 pm I have more clarity than usual, more energy and my depression and boredom seem to retire for the day. It's great, and it makes sense sorta since I make it through the morning and afternoon without 40mgs of adderall, those being the hardest hours of the day for me. At least I'm not counting the minute hand though, waiting for my next dose... But what isn't so great is trying to wind down and go to bed with the rest of the world on their schedule. I don't have a job, and it would be all too easy for me to reverse my sleep habits if I allowed myself to use that energy. So in my desire to be like normal people, also in case I manage to get a job, I have to force myself to sleep by midnight or 1, while my mind and body are in violent protest. Sometimes this requires benedryl. Do you guys recall this problem early on in the quitting process? Was there anything that helped? I'm working on the exercise thing, out of shape and over weight, and even though I've always hated aerobic exercise, it might actually be the only thing left in existence that can kick my ass and wake me up the way adderall once had. I might seriously be a night owl, that my addy days were just another way for me to conform to a typical 9-5 lifestyle. Any feedback about adjusting to this new, if only temporary, aspect is greatly appreciated!
  12. Sean, I totally know what you mean about this parallel universe concept, for me at my worst, I have this sneaking suspicion that the world as I know it has changed its predestined timeline, and entered into a reality where I am no longer a character. Quantum Death Theory sorta nightmarish scenario. My part was written out. I lost my job of ten years a few months ago, we went out of business, and since then my whole identity has crumbled. Sitting at home with no car and lots of adderall did awful things to my psyche. I am still not convinced the above scenario DIDN'T happen. Used to be all these signs and synchronicity in my life, I was once a part of it, an active player in my own life. I can't remember when that stopped. It's been years. But maybe, it's not that I'm not a part of the world anymore, but that I've blinded myself to that inherent, ultranatural guidance system. Maybe the signs are there but I'm not seeing them because I am filled with doubt. Maybe I'm paralyzed cuz there's too many possibilities, how do I choose? The best thing I can do for myself, is to start making decisions (small, mundane to BIG LIFE ALTERING) from the perspective of the person who isn't focused on the small immediate future, who can't see the forest cuz she's busy analyzing the bark on a tree. That person hasn't been helping THIS PERSON ( me, here, now) get her shit together THIS WHOLE TIME. However, everybody at their own pace. You will disappoint people, societal demands you may not meet, but when it comes down to what is real, those things will rise to meet you. People get it wrong when they try to contort their selves, their lives, to fit what they think are societal demands. I posit that if you "do you", work on yourself, better the man inside, make him as healthy as you can, the world then conforms to meet you, and bends to your will. I have yet to experience that, but I am still phase one, understanding the concept, attempting to become healthy. Godspeed.
  13. Beyond luck, right place and time

    I feel like I should also say that I kicked a pretty heavy opiate habit months after my mom died in 2015 with the help of Kratom. I cannot say enough good things about that herb. I'm using it now too, to help with my energy levels, but not sure if it's helping at all.
  14. Beyond luck, right place and time

    My first post was last night, day 2, essentially cold turkey but have had my dose lowered the past 6 months or so from 60mg to 30, and when I ran out early I'd dip into the hubbys stash til I'd get more. The reduced dose helps, even tho I wasn't exactly planning this, it's become a more and more important thing for me, and finally I just said Yeah, it's time. My story is long and depressing but I'll keep things concise. I once attempted to quit before, a spiritual sorta existential crisis, always the catalyst for me, I gave my whole script away. I must not have been able to fill that void with anything of substance because I wasn't off it long. That was probably the 2 year mark. Then the 5 year mark, I quit because of the Great Adderall Drought of 2010, cuz my lacking insurance made the cost too obscene. I got desperate, quitting wasn't my choice yet, I was squeezed out of the system. I got on antidepressants (after earning the status of INSURED for the first time in my entire adult life), trying to get closer to the root of my symptoms ( but not the root of my problems ), during which I gained 40 lbs, still never left the couch ( when that was my first complaint being off the adds), acquired insulin resistance beyond my already pre diabetic status... Got off the antidepressants. Sidenote: Ego and the Doctor. This doctor refused to treat my depression with adderall, instead he pushed new and novel antidepressants that worsened my health beyond adderalls damage. Never checked my thyroid, my vitamin D, etc. When severe back pain made my leg go numb, he pushed steroids, another 40 lbs, blamed arthritis (at 29 years old) and never issued an mri to check my discs. He was convinced, despite my protests to the contrary, that he was right under any and all circumstances. Thankfully I stopped seeing him. But the next Dr happily obliged my add request, as "it's always worked so well for me in the past"... Fast forward to present. I should say my living situation changed dramatically after my mom died in late April 2015, my fiance, my cat, and myself moved in w my dad to help him after her passing. It's 40 minutes from where we were, but economically so depressed, the capital of the opioid epidemic. West Virginia is beautiful, but it is very poor. Most people commute daily to DC or suburbs therein for work. I was no exception, til my salon went out of business and closed its door Dec 2016. I've been unemployed since February, and homebound (I never learned to drive) and more stuck and stagnant and confused than I've ever been.. more depressed, psychotic at times, anxious, all these negative things. But what better time than now to reclaim my life off the adderall?? No place of work needs me. I have all the time in the world to do what I need. What really really worries me, and I've seen it all over this forum, is how recovery from this shit takes forever, and how the majority of the effort is psychological, when that was beauty of taking it in the first place. No effort necessary. How does one choose the rougher road when we've all come to know how smooth and shiny it's alternative? How many kids all grown up now would give their fucking arms or legs to not know that slick speed highway. I have so many statistical questions about this drug, about the types of people for whom it's a death sentence; is it gonna be like the focus one day, and we'll all get cut off suddenly and have to turn to the streets for meth?? Like, what the fuck, government. What have you sanctioned? What rotting takes place on the soul level? That might not matter to many people, but it fucking matters to me. I lost myself a long time ago. I no longer see any meaning in my life, I don't have any meaning to cling to, and I'm trying to change that any way I know how. And I know things can always get worse, but in this brain, in this void where once there was an eager young mind, this is pretty fucking bad. I don't know who I am and my purpose is to find me and save me, if there is any me left. Thanks for reading my ramblings. I'm sure there will be many more to come. Ps: coffee does the brain some good. There are many cohesive sentences up there ^^^!!!! *I must be in here somewhere*
  15. Hello, I'm new in town. Quitting officially after 12 crucial years of convincing myself I'm a grown up, though missing critical grown up qualities all the adults I know seem to possess. 12 years of detachment, of depersonalization, growing on top of already rather malignant depression. I'm here because I know I'm gonna need the help. I've read a lot already, visiting several times a day as it seems like a great reference for when I'm feeling especially vulnerable to the speed spell. I'm prepared for misery. I'm hoping it won't be too bad. I'm worried, also. My fiancee is prescribed, not a habitual user like myself, but summoning the will to keep myself out of his stash has been a problem in the past. However, I've never wanted to quit as strongly as I need to now. I don't feel tempted by them, I feel disgusted by them. As long as I can hold onto that, and constantly remind myself that the "lost" feeling I have now is worse than any pain of withdrawal, I think I can make it. And deja vu, as if these aren't my words but somebody else's that I've already read today... Thanks for existing!!