Jennyleighleigh

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About Jennyleighleigh

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  1. Night and day tendencies

    So this is day 5 for me. All the usual symptoms, nothing terribly out of my realm of coping. But I've noticed that the further away from the morning as I get, not including mid afternoon fatigue, the better and better I feel throughout the day. So once the clock hits maybe 6, or 7 pm I have more clarity than usual, more energy and my depression and boredom seem to retire for the day. It's great, and it makes sense sorta since I make it through the morning and afternoon without 40mgs of adderall, those being the hardest hours of the day for me. At least I'm not counting the minute hand though, waiting for my next dose... But what isn't so great is trying to wind down and go to bed with the rest of the world on their schedule. I don't have a job, and it would be all too easy for me to reverse my sleep habits if I allowed myself to use that energy. So in my desire to be like normal people, also in case I manage to get a job, I have to force myself to sleep by midnight or 1, while my mind and body are in violent protest. Sometimes this requires benedryl. Do you guys recall this problem early on in the quitting process? Was there anything that helped? I'm working on the exercise thing, out of shape and over weight, and even though I've always hated aerobic exercise, it might actually be the only thing left in existence that can kick my ass and wake me up the way adderall once had. I might seriously be a night owl, that my addy days were just another way for me to conform to a typical 9-5 lifestyle. Any feedback about adjusting to this new, if only temporary, aspect is greatly appreciated!
  2. Sean, I totally know what you mean about this parallel universe concept, for me at my worst, I have this sneaking suspicion that the world as I know it has changed its predestined timeline, and entered into a reality where I am no longer a character. Quantum Death Theory sorta nightmarish scenario. My part was written out. I lost my job of ten years a few months ago, we went out of business, and since then my whole identity has crumbled. Sitting at home with no car and lots of adderall did awful things to my psyche. I am still not convinced the above scenario DIDN'T happen. Used to be all these signs and synchronicity in my life, I was once a part of it, an active player in my own life. I can't remember when that stopped. It's been years. But maybe, it's not that I'm not a part of the world anymore, but that I've blinded myself to that inherent, ultranatural guidance system. Maybe the signs are there but I'm not seeing them because I am filled with doubt. Maybe I'm paralyzed cuz there's too many possibilities, how do I choose? The best thing I can do for myself, is to start making decisions (small, mundane to BIG LIFE ALTERING) from the perspective of the person who isn't focused on the small immediate future, who can't see the forest cuz she's busy analyzing the bark on a tree. That person hasn't been helping THIS PERSON ( me, here, now) get her shit together THIS WHOLE TIME. However, everybody at their own pace. You will disappoint people, societal demands you may not meet, but when it comes down to what is real, those things will rise to meet you. People get it wrong when they try to contort their selves, their lives, to fit what they think are societal demands. I posit that if you "do you", work on yourself, better the man inside, make him as healthy as you can, the world then conforms to meet you, and bends to your will. I have yet to experience that, but I am still phase one, understanding the concept, attempting to become healthy. Godspeed.
  3. Beyond luck, right place and time

    I feel like I should also say that I kicked a pretty heavy opiate habit months after my mom died in 2015 with the help of Kratom. I cannot say enough good things about that herb. I'm using it now too, to help with my energy levels, but not sure if it's helping at all.
  4. Beyond luck, right place and time

    My first post was last night, day 2, essentially cold turkey but have had my dose lowered the past 6 months or so from 60mg to 30, and when I ran out early I'd dip into the hubbys stash til I'd get more. The reduced dose helps, even tho I wasn't exactly planning this, it's become a more and more important thing for me, and finally I just said Yeah, it's time. My story is long and depressing but I'll keep things concise. I once attempted to quit before, a spiritual sorta existential crisis, always the catalyst for me, I gave my whole script away. I must not have been able to fill that void with anything of substance because I wasn't off it long. That was probably the 2 year mark. Then the 5 year mark, I quit because of the Great Adderall Drought of 2010, cuz my lacking insurance made the cost too obscene. I got desperate, quitting wasn't my choice yet, I was squeezed out of the system. I got on antidepressants (after earning the status of INSURED for the first time in my entire adult life), trying to get closer to the root of my symptoms ( but not the root of my problems ), during which I gained 40 lbs, still never left the couch ( when that was my first complaint being off the adds), acquired insulin resistance beyond my already pre diabetic status... Got off the antidepressants. Sidenote: Ego and the Doctor. This doctor refused to treat my depression with adderall, instead he pushed new and novel antidepressants that worsened my health beyond adderalls damage. Never checked my thyroid, my vitamin D, etc. When severe back pain made my leg go numb, he pushed steroids, another 40 lbs, blamed arthritis (at 29 years old) and never issued an mri to check my discs. He was convinced, despite my protests to the contrary, that he was right under any and all circumstances. Thankfully I stopped seeing him. But the next Dr happily obliged my add request, as "it's always worked so well for me in the past"... Fast forward to present. I should say my living situation changed dramatically after my mom died in late April 2015, my fiance, my cat, and myself moved in w my dad to help him after her passing. It's 40 minutes from where we were, but economically so depressed, the capital of the opioid epidemic. West Virginia is beautiful, but it is very poor. Most people commute daily to DC or suburbs therein for work. I was no exception, til my salon went out of business and closed its door Dec 2016. I've been unemployed since February, and homebound (I never learned to drive) and more stuck and stagnant and confused than I've ever been.. more depressed, psychotic at times, anxious, all these negative things. But what better time than now to reclaim my life off the adderall?? No place of work needs me. I have all the time in the world to do what I need. What really really worries me, and I've seen it all over this forum, is how recovery from this shit takes forever, and how the majority of the effort is psychological, when that was beauty of taking it in the first place. No effort necessary. How does one choose the rougher road when we've all come to know how smooth and shiny it's alternative? How many kids all grown up now would give their fucking arms or legs to not know that slick speed highway. I have so many statistical questions about this drug, about the types of people for whom it's a death sentence; is it gonna be like the focus one day, and we'll all get cut off suddenly and have to turn to the streets for meth?? Like, what the fuck, government. What have you sanctioned? What rotting takes place on the soul level? That might not matter to many people, but it fucking matters to me. I lost myself a long time ago. I no longer see any meaning in my life, I don't have any meaning to cling to, and I'm trying to change that any way I know how. And I know things can always get worse, but in this brain, in this void where once there was an eager young mind, this is pretty fucking bad. I don't know who I am and my purpose is to find me and save me, if there is any me left. Thanks for reading my ramblings. I'm sure there will be many more to come. Ps: coffee does the brain some good. There are many cohesive sentences up there ^^^!!!! *I must be in here somewhere*
  5. Hello, I'm new in town. Quitting officially after 12 crucial years of convincing myself I'm a grown up, though missing critical grown up qualities all the adults I know seem to possess. 12 years of detachment, of depersonalization, growing on top of already rather malignant depression. I'm here because I know I'm gonna need the help. I've read a lot already, visiting several times a day as it seems like a great reference for when I'm feeling especially vulnerable to the speed spell. I'm prepared for misery. I'm hoping it won't be too bad. I'm worried, also. My fiancee is prescribed, not a habitual user like myself, but summoning the will to keep myself out of his stash has been a problem in the past. However, I've never wanted to quit as strongly as I need to now. I don't feel tempted by them, I feel disgusted by them. As long as I can hold onto that, and constantly remind myself that the "lost" feeling I have now is worse than any pain of withdrawal, I think I can make it. And deja vu, as if these aren't my words but somebody else's that I've already read today... Thanks for existing!!