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About Jennifer0614

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  1. I know exactly what you mean. Ive tried explaining that to my sons father/boyfriend. He gets mad that i keep on abusing them but he isnt supportive when I try to steer clear of them. Not that its his job to make me feel good enough. But he just doesn't get it. It makes me think about how unfair the world can be to women. Alot is expected of us. I have had daddy issues for a long time too. Lol. And it makes things harder. What i mean is my father left when I was 3 and ive been looking for him ever since. I didn't realize that until the last couple years though. I always had to have a boyfriend or at least have a guy "want me". Even if it was just sexual. I got my identity and worthiness from guys. Without one i was nobody. I was clingy and possessive. Then I got to a point where I had been hurt so much that I swore off love and hated men. I had "booty calls" but that was it. No emotion involved. But when my boyfriend came along something in me wanted to try. I wanted love. We have been together 5 years but I am terrified of him leaving every day. To the point that my worries have caused problems. I have this belief that adderall makes me the perfect woman. As long as I can keep the house spotless and get tons done and handle our son and the house and bills and laundry and work and barely eat plus have energy to keep my hair and makeup done then he will never leave me right????? But I think ive had that sick belief most of my life. That I have to be perfect to be loved.
  2. Thank you so much for that! If I could just keep believing it myself! Lol. I do, but very briefly. Its crazy, alot of the fear and negative feelings I get about myself as a mom, they kinda have alot to do with my childhood and experiencing some pretty unfair stuff. I get worried that I will cause my son the pain and hurt that I experienced and still do at 34. I somehow started believing that as long as i had adderall i was the perfect, in control mother.
  3. i need to know whats normal

    I did try substance abuse counseling at my therapist office. They would measure my withdrawal status. They told me that adderall withdrawal is very similar to opiod withdrawal
  4. i need to know whats normal

    Yes frank. I love the adrenaline feeling stimulants give. I feel very alive when my heart is pounding and my skin is clammy and the air hits it. I was never adhd or add. Just offered an addy by a friend one day. Didn't think twice because I was always looking for something for energy. I never dreamed it would end up here. I buy them from friends. Well, not friends. Just suppliers. Nice people. But I wouldn't have their number in my phone if they didn't have adderall. I know i need to change my number and block them. I need to change my whole environment and mind set. The truth is i tell myself im popping one to get something done but thats a lie. I just want to be high. But its a lie that I believe at the time. And sunnie, my spiritual side has gotten me through things that no medication ever could. "Giving it to God" was more powerful than any zanax or ativan. I didn't have to figure anything out. I just had to be
  5. i need to know whats normal

    Wow. The similarities are crazy. Im 33 as well. And I think deep down i am terrified that I have to "figure life out" all over again. I thought i was finally comfortable and secure. But I guess it was just the adderall. Obviously life is never secure. And there will always be change. Thats something ive never dealt with well. The fact that there is nothing you can really "trust". Or hold onto. And I guess thats why I really do need to get to know my true self because i will be with her for life. Lol. She is the one thing that will always be there. Wherever I go. I have never had self esteem or confidence in myself. I never trusted myself to be capable and worthy and important just as me. Not needing anything. You mention creating a fiction of yourself in some manic episode or delusion of grandeur. Are you bipolar? Im very curious about this because i was diagnosed bipolar 12 years ago and I just dont believe i am. Im not against the idea. I know some bipolar people are in denial. But ive tried. Ive taken the lithium and abilify and lamictal and whatever else they have to add to stop the side effects of those. Im tired of lieing to myself. The shit doesn't work. Im tired of hearing that im bipolar
  6. Could it be OCD?

    I am having the same problems. And i didn't even consider OCD until i talked to a therapist and was honest about my adderall abuse. I was literally getting mad and frustrated and hung up on the smallest crap. I just thought i was irritable and crazy from coming off adderall. But my therapist said it was very possible that I had OCD before and the adderall made it worse. And Im pretty sure it actually drove me to keep relapsing. I had to let my head and memories clear up but i was finally able to see that I did have OCD, obsessive perfectionism tendencies before I ever tried adderall. Even as a young kid. I believe it all ties in with anxiety which i have had lifelong struggles with. Antidepressants like prozac do help plus I was put on Clomipramine for obsessive thoughts. Its certainly worth talking to a doctor about
  7. Im curious if anyone on here is a mother? Or a father. No offense. In my experience even when my sons father is right next to him, im the one he calls on. But I do know there are great fathers too. Being a mother has played the biggest part in my addiction. Im not at all saying that being a mother caused me to pop an adderall that first time. Or that I put any blame on my child. But my addiction from the very beginning made me believe that I was a better mother on adderall. That my son was happier when I was on it. I remember when i first started suspecting I had a problem. This thought came through my mind " addicted or not, im going to do what i have to do to be the best mom. As long as hes happy, i dont care if it kills me." of course now i know that was totally ridiculous. But thats how I justified my taking 120 to 200 mgs of adderall every day. But he is also the reason i want to stop for good. I dont want my son to have a pill head mom. But I think alot of times i beat myself up too much and push myself too soon after quitting to be this energetic, happy, super mom who always has her makeup on and hair done and doesn't eat and drinks 2 pots of coffee a day to wash her adderall down. I slowly start having thoughts after i quit that I am a disgrace as a mother. I dont have a clue what im doing. Im lazy. I need to be up doing things and teaching him things and im just a fat nasty selfish person who doesn't deserve to have a child. Social services should take him away. As crazy as it sounds i believe that so much that it has kept me from asking for help because I am terrified cps is going to be called and take him away. I mean really????? But at the time i truly believe that. I work a full time job on top of having a 3 year old. I get off at 10 at night and its always after midnight before i fall asleep. I have never been lazy. Its crazy how addiction can use your child to get to you. Use your weakness against you. Not to mention how hard it is to have the energy for a toddler when your withdrawing. Its hard not to pop another one when your brain is telling you what an abusive mother you are for being tired and not freaking June Cleaver.
  8. Figuring Out Why You Take It

    I think this is really interesting. Ive tried to figure out why several times. But I always have adderall in my system at the time and i end up obsessing and eventually cant even remember the original thing I was trying to figure out in the first place. But I think it has alot to do with needing to fit in. Needing to have people like me. Gaining an identity from outside things. I have never been sure of who i am. I remember telling therapists this as a kid. I think i have a problem connecting to my feelings. I dont pay attention to how i feel. I just get through. Deal with shit. I think i do what they call depersonalization. I make myself believe I am a way that im really not just to fit in or get along. To keep peace. To make myself stronger than i am so i could deal with pain and not care. I never lived for me. I grew up with an alcoholic father who could get violent and scary. I always just held it in and didn't rock the boat. Whatever keeps the peace. I feel like ive always been a grown up. I have no clue how to have fun and actually dont even like fun. I wish I did. I think maybe thats what adderall does for me. I remember a few years ago feeling like this is it. Work. Bills. I take care of everybody. I feel jipped. I feel robbed. Like my whole life has been wasted. Adderall was my little secret thing just for me. My enjoyment and creativity and fun and positivity on the inside while i keep doing what I need to on the outside. At least if I have to deal with people and schedules i can seem happy about it. Agree and smile. God forbid I allow myself to tell someone what i really think.
  9. i need to know whats normal

    I appreciate this so much. Just knowing that there is a reason for all of these thoughts helps. I guess it kinda gives some control back. Even saying I have an addiction as much as it sucks, it at least puts a name to it. Ive been debating on wether I need inpatient rehab. Im not against it at all. I know the fact that I still have responsibilities while trying to quit doesn't help. But its just not financially possible for me to go to rehab right now. And sometimes i think it will make me stronger to push through while still doing what i have to do like work and bills and family. But maybe thats not a good thought. I dont know. I try not to obsess too much. Its a battle in itself. But I agree either way I need education and support. Someone to walk me through it. To remind me of reality when my thoughts get away from me. Did you do rehab or NA?
  10. i need to know whats normal

    I admit that I have a problem/addiction to adderall. It doesn't surprise me. I always liked the energy of stimulants. But even though I have been hooked on nicotine and caffeine for years, i never thought something would take ahold of me like adderall has. I started snorting cocaine at one point just socially/recreationally. But when it started making me feel like shit the next day and wasnt worth it to me anymore i stopped. Ive been offered coke plenty of times since and have no problem turning it down. But Addy has ruined me. And I know this. I know that I lose control and binge until im sick and have probably overdosed. I have laid in bed with blue toes, cold, sweating, heart fluttering, left arm hurting and said to myself i am going to kill myself if i dont stop. I get up and flush the rest down the toilet even though a part of me doesn't want to. I make my mind up that thats it. There is so much more to life than this. I go through the hell of withdrawal and severe depression. Ive had clinical depression most of my life and take medication but even with my medicine the depression is horrible. I do all this. I feel like a stranger to myself for a few weeks. I have thoughts that are confusing. Conflicting. Horrible. I get through it and eventually life and myself seem familiar again and I think oh, i finally got here. Things make sense. Im ok. I dont know how I forgot that life is better without adderall. What was i thinking? Im never taking that shit again. Im confident. But eventually, without me even realizing it, i try again. Just one time. To get shit done. I wont lose control. I just need it one day to get all these errands done and the house cleaned. I know after going through this for several years now that its the addiction that tricks me. But I dont recognize it when it happens. I just need to know that im normal. That all of this is normal and im not crazy. And that im not a total piece of shit who is weak and could stop if she really wanted to. Because i do stop. For a while. But I always forget that the first high isnt worth all i go through. I forget where it always ends up. Until im there. I also would like to know is it normal to feel like you aren't sure of anything? Like, my thoughts get so jumbled I cant tell what my "truth" is. How do i separate my true self from the thoughts the addiction is making me think? If anyone could please offer any advice, tips, criticism anything. I have a hard time opening up to people and being social as it is because of my anxiety disorder. I need some support from people who get it. I need to know that I will be ok and normal again.