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About HAM

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  1. I've been off addreall for 8 months now. and i miss it. I miss being ready for anything. I felt like i could do anything at anytime. I was walking in the park with a friend and I tried to get on the monkey bars after him but, no way! i wouldn't pull myself up an was totally humiliated. I used to consider myself athletic and loved exercising when i was on adderall but now i feel weak. I trained for, and ran a half marathon while taking adderall. Now i can barely run 2 minutes without stopping. I feel like people liked me more when I was on adderall. Now i don't know what to do. i wish i could go back in time. When I took adderall as prescribed, I remember life being so much better, fulller, I had so many more interests and hobbies. I felt as if i could learn or do anything if I applied myself. Now i'm facing reality. I don't have many interests or hobbies anymore. I keep telling myself that addreall would solve my lackadaisicalness, my boredom, depression, and lackluster attitude.
  2. Rock Bottom

    I've been slowly recovering my self-esteem that had been in the gutter since even before I quit adderall. On adderall, I felt like I was never good enough, almost but not quite. I felt like no matter how hard I worked or how many pills I took, I could never be good enough. Awhile after quitting (its been 3.5 months) I got rejected from graduate school and that was a serious blow to my self esteem. I've been getting back on track because I've been rediscovering the many amazing talents I was gifted with and been practicing things I used to be really good at before adderall- art and music are really good examples. Now I think that adderall was actually supressing many of my talents all along. You most definitely deserve an amazing boyfriend and try to remember that he's supporting you because he loves you. It isn't a burden to help someone you love through a rough time. Often, I find it to be quite rewarding to be there for friends and family who need love, comfort, encouragement, and support the most. you can do this!!!!!! You deserve to live an awesome life with loving people all around you. good luck
  3. It started this time last year.

    Yes!!! everything y'all said. wow, I can really relate and didn't realize adderall had so many of the same behavioral side-effects. I also don't miss being thirsty ALL the time. I also don't miss grinding my teeth. I don't miss the constant feeling that I'm forgetting something I don't miss lying about tons of shit I don't miss hiding my pills, and stashing them, sneaking extra doses, feeling like I couldn't make it through anything without another pill. Seriously, I remember thinking how impossible everything seemed without adderall super-drug. Now I realize I can do anything and this empowerment motivates me. Instead of some stupid drug making me think I need it to accomplish anything. I don't miss insomnia I don't miss anxiety don't miss looking like shit. I honestly feel that i look a couple years younger since I quit adderall about 3.5 months ago. As a matter of fact, I can't remember anything good about how I felt when I was on that shit. Life is so much better, simpler, happier, richer without it. Stay strong!!!
  4. Well this is embarrassing....

    One of the best things about quitting adderall (and consequently gaining a little weight) this winter, is that my fingers and toes aren't f-ing freezing all the time.
  5. when all else fails

    65 days and feeling good. I've been visiting this site and reading posts almost every day. Thanks for the support.
  6. when all else fails

    Some days I feel like nothing is right in my life and that I've got nothing going for me. On these days I remember to tell myself that even if everything in my life seems screwed up right now, and I feel like I can't do anything right....... I KNOW i am doing something right, getting over adderall. Self doubt has been plaguing me lately but I find my solace in being absolutely sure that quitting is the best choice I could have made for myself. Everything else will work out somehow
  7. Melody, Your post reminds me of some of the wisdom that has helped me along the way: 1) Decisions are always difficult. Once you make a choice and commit to the path of that choice, everything becomes much easier and much more clear. I'm sure you know that hindsight is 20/20. I have a lot of trouble making decisions. Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what the right thing to do is. But that person doesn't exist. It's a question only i can answer for myself and there is no right or wrong answer. I think that knowing when to try harder in pursuit of a goal vs. knowing when to quit and cut your losses is one of the hardest things to figure out. I regret a lot of decisions i've made but I try to go easy on myself because there's no way I could have predicted the outcome. I find indecision to be a very unpleasant, stagnant state to be in. Life is full of surprises and things rarely work out the way I expect them to. I just roll with the punches. One decision I definitely do not regret is quitting adderall. i'm kind of glad I have that going for me. good luck with your decision, whatever it may be. 2) Everyone has struggled with confidence, especially when speaking in groups. And generally, people are much more accepting that we believe they are. Also, it is best to avoid taking any judgements that may come your way personally. Haters are gonna hate. Based on the insightful and thoughtful comments you've made in your posts, I believe your thoughts would be a great contribution and beneficial to your classroom discussions. I also get nervous about talking in class. then i remember that i've heard all kinds of crazy things in class and I usually learn something from everyone who contributes in class. 3) There are many paths you can take to reach your destination. Life flows through many rivers to reach the sea. I was kind of blown away when someone said this to me recently. It really inspired me to be more creative and imaginative in my thought process, especially when it comes to figuring out my life. A graduate degree might not be the only way to work in the field you love. And now i'm really curious about what field you are in. Thank you for your earlier post. your posts are really helping me asses my own situation at the moment. A lot of what you are saying really resonates with me. I just got rejected from a really competitive grad program for which I spent the past few years fulfilling the pre requisite courses and requirements. I feel pretty defeated right now. All I can do is shake it off, do my best to become a better candidate for the program, and hope I get in next year. This is so much harder than it sounds, and a hard choice to make. I kinda want to give up now and enjoy a school-free, carefree, fun life. I'm also gonna do my best to make it fun anyway. I am hoping for the best for both of us And I hope the rest of the week flies by.
  8. I LOVE all of these suggestions and supportive comments. I've quit and gone through PAWS a number of times. I always "fake" some symptoms- like flu symptoms. i don't feel like I'm faking sickness because I do feel sick. And adderall does debilitate your immune system. I actually was really sick a little while ago. I had the flu, a stomach virus, pressure headaches, and strep throat. I was pretty bedridden for over a week, and sick for almost 3 weeks. I'm still not back to 100%. Being sick sucks and it definitely reminds me of PAWS. You work really hard, you deserve some time off. It sounds like you have been strong, worked harder than necessary, and taken on extra tasks for a long time. Adderall makes it easy for me to do that too. But now it's your turn to get colleges and friends to take on some extra tasks for you. Someone told me once: "Vulnerability can be your greatest strength." This really helped me realize how hard it was for me to ask others to help me even though I offered my help to others more often than not. I'm sure your co-workers, family, friends, and students appreciate how much you've always done for them. it is more than ok to ask others to help, or delegate tasks. I don't know what grade you teach, but maybe it's possible for students to grade their own, or their peers' assignments during class. Maybe you could assign projects or presentations so that the students could take some of the teaching material and class time off your hands. I remember having teachers who did this, and it was always really fun and educational. Good Luck! and Happy Mud Week!!!!
  9. Wanna hear about my visit to the Shrink?

    Hi Sebastian, I started taking wellbutrin when I quit adderall but I don't like it. I get nauseous, dizzy, headaches, and ringing in my ears. That's just me, but I read that those can be side-effects. I definitely think you could have gotten through law school and passed the bar without adderall. IMHO, adderall doesn't make you capable of things you wouldn't be able to do otherwise. Sure, it is a little boost but I don't think it can make anyone smart enough to get through law school. It can't give you the perseverance required to succeed. You've worked hard. Give yourself some credit, you have achieved something great! Everyone thinks they are a hopeless fuck-up sometimes. I know I definitely do. Lately I've been thinking about all the bad choices I've made, how stupid I've been, how many things I have screwed up in my life, what a loser I am, etc.. I am feeling pretty defeated at the moment. Then I realize that even if I've fucked up everything else right now, quitting adderall is a really good decision I've made in my life. If all else fails, I know I'm doing something right. Being single can be difficult and also really awesome. I've been single for a couple years since I went back to school and it's not easy. I get really lonely at times and I'm also my own best friend at times. I've been told that loving yourself is the pre requisite for being in love with someone else. I believe it, so I don't even want to date someone until I get through this rough patch in my life. It sounds like you want to be a better, happier person. You are clearly headed in the right direction whether you choose to do it drug free or not. You've got a lot going for you, even if it can be hard to believe sometimes. You're gonna get through this!
  10. Thank you all so much! everyone here is so encouraging and you all are making me pretty jazzed about quitting. Almost like a work-out buddy who pushes you to run farther that you ever have or ever thought you could. I remember when I thought quitting was impossible. I remember when I didn't even want to quit, ever. I thought I would be happiest if I just had all the adderall I wanted every day. I think I'm almost to the point where I don't even want to take adderall anymore, or at least I can see that day on the horizon. Truthfully, I am really depressed about grad school. There's a lot to it but basically i have worked so hard and so long only to be told that I'm not quite good enough. It sucks, and I have almost no control in the situation. I'm enjoying my challenge with quitting adderall because I have total control over the situation. being part of this community has been quite empowering. @MFA, quit-once, and InRecovery- I don't have a stash. I'm not very good at rationing. I haven't severed the ties to my Dr. yet. I figure I have plenty of time (before I'm eligible for another script) to build a little more conviction. I get talked into, and out of things pretty easily. I don't want to second guess my decision. @adderallornothing, what you said was really helpful. I'm really looking forward to the struggle that is my blessing leading me towards personal fulfillment. I always kind of felt like I was cheating when I achieved something while taking adderall. I definitely had goals, worked hard to attain them, and felt a sense of accomplishment on adderall. Now, I am really excited to relish in the feeling that comes from true achievement from the pure efforts of my mind, body, and spirit. I think it'll be much more amazing than anything I ever felt on adderall. I would love to hear your story. it is so awesome to hear that you've made it so far. Every time I read someone's story, i am reassured that quitting is the right thing to do and it is quite attainable. 13 months is such a long time, but it doesn't seem so far from here. Also, i am very touched that you decided to post in the forum for the first time so that you could help encourage me. Thank you.
  11. PS The hours in a day always seem longer to me without adderall. Sometimes (when I can muster the motivation) I feel like I have more time for everything. Also, I can relate to having an "unhealthy" relationship with alcohol, especially during the school semester. I resolved to only drink on the weekends and it was a great decision. I sometimes go weeks without drinking and I feel so much better for it.
  12. Melody, Go for it!! Take the classes you're interested in because you're right, its a great opportunity to explore. you may not get this opportunity again. Maybe you will find what you are good at in one of these classes or maybe they will inspire you. I also think that you could quit adderall at the same time. It sounds like that may be a new interest you want to explore too. I am telling you this based on my own experience. I'm in school as well and sometimes feel like I cant succeed without adderall. I used to get a 90 day prescription from my dr. and more often than not I ran out with a month to go before my next refill. so i've kinda quit lots of times. In hindsight, I have been a much better student without adderall, even though I always think I'll be better with it. When I wasn't taking adderall it really helped to have structure in my life even though I had to balance that with time for self care and rest. On adderall, I am always running late to class because I am trying to juggle so many things. I always got heart pounding anxiety when I wasn't prepared for class which would then distract me in class and I couldn't focus enough to take in the material. I procrastinate much more when I'm adderall, I always think "I can do all of that homework later because I stay up so late anyway," which rarely happened. It's true, on adderall I usually take beautifully outlined, organized, color-coded, meticulous notes in class. And I usually have higher test scores when I'm on adderall, but not by much. Without adderall, I am usually early to class. I have more time to go to office hours or meet with study groups. I have a much more realistic grasp on time and how long it will take to complete assignments. Sometimes its hard to focus and I have to re-read things but overall, I think I'm better at reading and retaining without adderall. But that's just me. You sound like an amazing student. You are obviously very smart. You have worked really hard to get this far. You have done all these things. Adderall didn't do it for you. It's just a crutch. You are capable of so many things. It sounds like you definitely deserve a break from school. I can really empathize with some of the things you are feeling. School is tough. And "free time" is awesome!!! And you are so close to the end. One semester is a drop in the bucket compared to all the semesters you've been in school. It'll be over before you know it. I guess I am projecting some of my feelings on to you but I also want to tell you that while I have definitely had some rough semesters and regretted taking on more than I could handle. Do you have the option to withdraw from your courses mid-semester? If so, remember that it's an option. However, there are so many classes I wish I could have taken and regret not taking. You said you love learning and you love your field. savor it while you can. There's plenty of time to take a break and enjoy life later, but this may be your last semester in school. it'll be over before you know it. and you might not get a chance to go back later. Sorry if I'm being over zealous or if I sound like I'm trying to push you. I only want to encourage you to do what is best for you now, and in the long run. I'm sure that whatever you choose and whatever happens, everything will work itself out. You seem like a really awesome person with a beautiful future in front of you. Good luck!!!
  13. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. I never knew I could find such awesome people on the internet. Everything you've said is helping me. You've shown me a mirror to that I'm taking a long, hard look at. So if any of you are still reading this, I found out that I have not been accepted into the graduate schools I applied to. This really sucks because I have dedicated the past couple years of my life to fulfill the requirements in order to apply. Had a little breakdown during which I realized something monumental. If I can't/don't want to go through graduate school without adderall, I don't deserve to be there anyway. I think getting rejected was a sign that I can't move forward in life until I let go of this addiction. It is also a gift, I get one more year to do this which is more than enough time for me to work towards being a better, happier person without adderall. Once I get my heart and soul back, I will be ready to re-apply. Hopefully I will also be much more dedicated and passionate in working towards my goal. now that I've put this in writing, I feel committed.
  14. thank god for a good red flaggin

    One of my New Year's resolutions was to do yoga as often as I wear yoga pants, even if it's just a little bit. I've found this to be a very helpful and rewarding motivator:)
  15. Thank you both for your insight. I do want to quit. MFA, you're absolutely right. I don't believe in myself enough, and I am not fully committed. I want to become an amazing person without this drug. I just don't know how yet. I am really susceptible to temptation, and I'm afraid I won't be able to resist when I can finally get another script. I've somehow convinced myself that adderall has the power to make me a better person, even though I know it doesn't. Heather, I am in the same boat as you, I can't take this drug in small doses. I keep repeating dangerous behavior and expecting a different outcome. I have been reading nearly all of the articles on this website, and many of the forum topics. I visit this site nearly every day since I quit 48 days ago, and it is really helping me want this for myself.