marybelle

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About marybelle

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  1. LOS ANGELES

    hey no we never did.. but I haven't checked this in a while.. there are about 5 of us now I believe in LA area. we should plan for something!
  2. I am five days clean.. which isn't an accomplishment, but kind of is to me because its the longest I've gone without Adderall in three years. I feel good and bad. I feel more like myself already, not the robot which Adderall made me be for years. I actually laughed more today then the last three years combined. But I AM BORED. The depression is real, I WANT to do so many things, but I just can't. That is making me want Adderall so bad. Also Ive already gained weight. I have a photoshoot tomorrow, and know that after I see the pics I am going to want to go right back to Adderall. Assuming I can even make it through the photoshoot. I saw someone said its like going from 100 mph to 25 and that is SO TRUE. I feel like life is crawling by.. which leads me to believe Adderall does something to our perception of time. I really don't know what the point of this was, but I was just so fucking bored I decided to write it. I really am hopeful about this attempt at quitting, I know my triggers which I just stated... the wanting to be a super hero and get shit done also the weight gain. I know this will tempt me but for the first time I don't think those things are worth the roller coaster anymore. anyway.. hope everyone reading this is having a great Adderall free day
  3. Triggers

    he asked about triggers and I said my trigger is my appetite being a model, my body is something that makes me money it is my job. of course it FEELS better to accomplish fitness goals off addy but again I was mentioning MY TRIGGER which is decrease in hunger. if only quitting were that easy "omg it just FEELS BETTER off Adderall" yeah no shit. thats why I'm here. it isn't that easy, I am on this site because Adderall is ruining my life. where in the hell did I say my life is golden??
  4. Triggers

    yes my body is actually that hot thanks to Adderall and my workout routine. I still eat on Adderall but defiantly a lot less. I'm not Adderall skinny. I eat healthy and go to the gym but Adderall helps with the food portions a ton because I struggled with overeating before. I'm really not trying to sound cocky or whatever its just the truth... its something that I personally have struggled always going to back to adderal because the decrease of appetite
  5. Triggers

    for me its my hot ass body & all the money I save on food :/ both times I tried to quit and I get my appetite back I always remember thinking to myself.. how to humans have the time or money to eat this fucking much in a day??
  6. Second attempt at quitting failed

    feel you girl
  7. Second attempt at quitting failed

    aw okay thank you! and congrats xx
  8. Second attempt at quitting failed

    SO TRUE. I have failed twice but I did learn so much each time about why I was relapsing and what I could do differently next time. thank you.
  9. Hello All- I feel bad writing this post because I've read so many amazing recovery (at least the people I have been following) and here I am, UNABLE to quit. Last time I was here I was writing to say I was quiting and that lasted alll of three days. Something really odd happened though. So.. my insurance only works in my hometown so I have to go back every 2 months to get new scrips. I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it back home anytime soon so the last month I had Adderall, I was BARELY using it because I was having so much anxiety about running out and not being able to get more. I actually had my month worth for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. I was going days without taking it and never taking more than one a day when I felt like I really needed it. I WAS TAKING NAPS INSTEAD OF POPPING PILLS WHEN I WAS TIRED. It was great. My relationships were better, my sex drive increased, I was enjoying life for the first time in a long time. And then I ran out. I went home, got my script and have been binging since. its been about a week. taking 20-100 mg a day. I've isolated myself from everyone, I am depressed or cracked out. I HATE THIS DRUG. I don't understand... I KNOW LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT IT WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF I think I might need professional help, but I just can't bring myself to tell my parents. I am giving myself these last two scripts, I am not going to make my trip home to get a refill, so hopefully that will monitor my intake like before, I can make as much money as I can at the strip club and then quit cold turkey one last attempt before seeking help. I just really am thankful for this site. Who fucking knows where I would be right now without it. Probably still thinking this rollercoaster Adderall life is normal. Anyway thanks for listening. Hopeful to have a recovery story one day. Xx MaryBelle
  10. Writing off/after Adderall

    whats this other website @mike??!
  11. 5 Years of Betrayal to My Soul

    how has recovery been for you? can you share a little? @Virginia
  12. Quitting (again)

    Hi guys- I haven't been on here since the last time I said I was quitting because that attempt failed miserably, but I know why... even though I knew I needed to quit, deep down I didn't want to. I still loved Adderall. I still loved being high and feeling productive. I just got done with a week of taking 50 mg a day.. and I am SO OVER THIS DRUG. The high's aren't even enjoyable anymore and not sleeping SUCKS. I don't party on the weekends anymore, going to crazy after hours raves like I used too, nor do I have to worry about school so taking this much Adderall just doesn't make since in my life anymore. Im four months into a nine month acting intensive and the weeks where I am taking more addy than normal I suck in class, I can't show real emotion and actually forgot what it was like to FEEL HUMAN EMOTIONS. Im seeing how zombie like this drug has made me this year. these classes make me want to stop. I want to stop. It has been two days since my last pill (nothing big), but I actually got out of my apartment and went grocery shopping / allowed myself to come down without feeling guilty about it. I am happy to be feeling down, which is better than cracked out. The ONLY thing I'm worried about is my body.. (stupid I know) but being 22 in LA, man is it nice to have the body I do. Its praised. It makes me money at my strip club. I am going to try and eat healthy, but I know weight gain is inevitable. I have cut off the ties to my doctor and gave the last of my pills to my friend, but I know once I start to gain weight I will want those pills!! I am going to stay close to these boards though because hearing so many of you seeing light at the end of the tunnel will keep me motivated. Also everytime I do something that I could not do on Adderall like take a nap or see a little bit of my real personality I feel great. Its all a mind game. I know the addiction will be on one shoulder telling me all the same stupid reasons I SHOULD take a pill, but on the either side is actually enjoying life again and I am determined to get there. Thanks for listening. xx
  13. Im right there with you! I am so ready to quit.. I finally WANT to quit, but I am sure going to miss my banging body
  14. My Struggle As A Stripper

    Omg @Lovebear congratulations.. that is amazing, and it feels really good to hear that you feel like you are back to your old self and are able to work and thrive. Do you mind asking me what state you are dancing in?