marybelle

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About marybelle

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  1. I am literally just like you. Can not do anything social unless I have my bottle of addy at my side. If its towards the end of the month, I run out a week sometimes two early and cancel plans, stay in bed, isolated. Get anxiety when even my mom would call me during this time. I have not yet began my quitting journey even though I know I need to soon. Just wanted to say I really relate to how adderall affects you, and I too just started to realize its a problem. Im right there with you!
  2. Trouble with eye contact??

    You're right. I should stop now. Thank you! @Nicole88
  3. Trouble with eye contact??

    this anxiety just happens every so often. However, most the time adderall helps me socially which is why i depend on it for the social aspect of my job. Not to mention i was already socially awkward before. although i have trouble with eye contact and completing tasks while being watched by others... It does make me very conversational savvy and better with my words as I can more easily but my thoughts into sentences. I think the social awkwardness happens when im coming down. Right now Id pick the dancing job over trying to commit to quitting because I dont want to quit just yet. Id rather first attempt to get control over my intake to a healthy dose. Last month I thought I was going to be evicted from my apartment in which i pay 1,300 a month. (my parents just cut me off) This month, my first month dancing...I made four times my rent working just 2-4 days a week and I actually really love my job. It comes easy to me, im young (22), and having fun! The good out ways the bad. For now. I am going to do stop binging. Stop abusing and stick to my regular dose. I am fully aware that I need to quit. I just need to want to to be successful, and I want/need the job more. @Nicole88 @bluemoon
  4. LOS ANGELES

    Anyone in the city of angels struggling with this pill of literal heaven and actual hell???
  5. Trouble with eye contact??

    Has anyone had trouble keeping eye contact while on adderall? Like you want to completely avoid eye contact and if you force yourself to look the person in the eyes you feel anxious and weird while they are talking to you????? Never had this problem before, but its really fucking annoying. also.. I have a problem with being hyper aware of people and their energy. For example, at dance class when we are free styling... I am hyper aware of the other people in the studio watching us all and literally loose the ability to dance well because my brain is obsessing over what they are thinking or judging about me. Same goes once im on stage. I cant focus on my dancing or routine because I get distracted and hyper aware of the people watching me thinking about what they are thinking? Not sure if this makes since, if anyone can relate or if it is due to adderall or not.
  6. My Struggle As A Stripper

    @Frank B- you are right I do not want to quit, however I want to regain control not be controlled like when I was first prescribed. I used to sell half my prescription because I only took them when needed. Now I run out a week early. I have started the ween off method. I am hoping to eventually get to a place where I pop one dose before my shift at work so I can be concentrated and engaged, and not over stimulated at the noisy fast paced club with my adhd brain. I only work 2-4 times a week. On days I do not work, i will attempt to be sober, as I usually am just recovering from work and maybe reward myself with another half a dose for working. Once I start getting through my off days and accomplishing things without addy, then i can attempt to lower and ween off my working days. Until then...ill be in straight hustle mode! @Lovebear- I know that concentration is worsened and social interaction is even harder when coming off of addy. Now that you are 9 months clean.. do you think you would ever be able to get back into dancing? If i quit cold turkey I would definitely have to stop dancing too.
  7. My Struggle As A Stripper

    I was prescribed adderall one year ago. Before it, my life was a mess. I was depressed, unable to function and would shut down when work and school became too much. I tried numerous other anti depressants before addy and nothing worked. Finally I was diagnosed with ADHD, which runs in my family and started taking adderall. I was prescribed to take two 20mg a day. I only took 10 mg a day for about 5 months and felt better than ever. I made sure to get enough sleep and make sure I was eating dispute my loss of appetite. I started hanging out with this girl who soon became my best friend. I did not know at the time she was a heavy addict to adderall. She soon started to get me to take it recreationally as well. When we would go out, I started popping 5mg and 10mg here and there. She ran her own company and would pressure me to stay up with her all night working and popping addy like candy. My tolerance quickly built and now I am fucked. I still stick to my 20mg a day as prescribed but on weekends / at music events / anything that requires me to be social ill be taking anywhere between 60-120mg more. My life was an adderall rollercoaster. I am no longer friends with that girl, and was able to somewhat get to the place I was before I met her. I tried quitted and succeeded but my life was in the same helpless dark adhd place i was before i started. I know I have to stick to my dose and not abuse it, however my job as a stripper/ entertainer is very late hours and requires alot of mental energy. I am naturally introverted and adderall helps me with that. It helps me focus on what my customers are saying to me in the club instead of being distracted by all the other stimulation going on around me. It makes me 10 times more confident and talkative. Or I'm coming down and I am a spacy strung out mess, so what do i do? pop another half. I get home from the club at 5 am. A full nights rest is just not realistic in my work. I am out of control, and adderall is the only thing that makes me feel in control. I tell myself dont take another one youve taken too many, but my tolerance is so high that when I finally take it, I feel calm and more normal than before. Once again im in an addy emotional rollercoaster that I do not know how to get off nor do I want too but I know i need too.