Lonewolf

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About Lonewolf

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  1. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to give you guys an update on my current situation. I have good news and some kind of disappointing news.. Good news is that I'm officially in remission and done with chemotherapy!!! I'll be able to get back to my normal life in a few weeks after my body recuperates and I have some final testing done. The disappointing news is that I never quit adderall. However, during treatment I told my doctor that I wanted to decrease my dosage by about half, which I'm really proud of myself for doing. I told her I didn't want to take as much during chemo, and neglected to mention the addiction problem. I still abused the pills I did have, and usually finished a month's worth in about a week. I was only on adderall for one week out of the month, and didn't try to get more when I was out. Now that chemo is over, I'm back on the dosage I was before I cut back. Today is day 1 of being back on my old dosage. Although this isn't the best news, I'm actually in a weird sort of way happy that I got cancer and had the experience I did. I now feel more comfortable than I have been in a long time on the days that I don't take it. I've discovered that I do have the potential to take doses that are more acceptable (still more than what I'm prescribed, but not dangerously high) and still feel the effects without being miserable. And I'm honestly okay with abusing it a little, as long as I can maintain control and not let it effect me the way it has for so many years. What I mean by this is that I will be happy as long as I don't let it effect my sleep (like no all nighters, no more running on 5 hours of sleep or less, and no more taking it at night). The last part is what I struggle with most, because I'm a night owl, have never been a morning person, and have always adapted my life/schedule to work with this bad habit. I've realized that the poor sleep has caused a vast majority of my problems, and I would be a functional and maybe even less miserable person if I just didn't take it at night and let it effect my sleep. I don't know if this is realistic or not, but at this point in my life I feel like I can do just about anything if I really try. It's just going to be hard. Really hard. So my new goal is to be a functional, well-rested adderall abuser. Lol wow that sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but whatever. Has anyone here been addicted and found a way to be a functional abuser/addict? Or know of anyone who has? BTW- thank you to everyone who read my initial post and/or gave me advice. I really appreciated all of it.
  2. Thanks Frank B. I try not to beat myself up too much, but it's easier said than done. There actually are official psychological tests for ADHD. There are also significant differences in the brain of someone with ADHD vs someone who doesn't. Everyone has inattentive moments, but it has a significant impact on the quality of life with those that actually have ADHD. No, it isn't as simple as a blood test, but there are certainly ways to test for it. Unfortunately, lots of doctors don't which is part of the problem with it being over prescribed.
  3. No, none of my doctors know. I am prescribed adderall by my primary care doctor and it is the only way I can obtain it now. If I tell my doctor, that will be the end of it. It seems like a simple solution, but the thought of telling my doctor terrifies me. I have lied and deceived her for seven years now, and she also knows my mom and brother, who also see her. She apparently tells my mom how proud she is of me and speaks very highly of me when she sees my mom. I don't think I have the courage to tell her the complete truth. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed and feel like a horrible person. She is the best doctor I've had and really seems to care about her patients and listens to all of my concerns. I don't think I could ever see her again after telling her. And frankly, I just don't have the energy or motivation to find a new doctor right now. I'm trying to think of something clever I can tell her that will ensure I'm never prescribed it or anything like it again. I also don't trust myself to follow through in telling her when the time comes. I know myself too well.
  4. I don't even know where to start. I could write books and even that wouldn't be enough. I'll try to keep this short& simple (which we all know is hard to do when you're on adderall). I'm 24 years old and have been addicted to adderall for 7 years now. I've lost myself and have turned into a miserable person in the process. I thought that I had reached rock bottom... and then 5 months ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. You would think that this would be enough of a wake up call& that I'd quit. NOPE. I'm getting strong chemotherapy right now (one that is known for having a damaging effect on the heart, I may add) and I'm STILL abusing adderall. What the fuck is wrong with me?? The worst part of it all? Nobody in my life has any clue about my addiction and extent of my abuse. People think I'm this hard working young woman who respects herself and body. Everyone is treating me so kindly and expressing their concern, since I'm "battling cancer and on the toughest journey of my life, and feel/look like shit from chemo, etc.." ....but in reality, I have been struggling with something far worse for the past seven years without any support. This cancer is a piece of fucking cake compared to my psychologically twisted dependence on these pills.. which is fucking ridiculous. Obviously, I need to quit for good ASAP. My life depends on it. Wish me luck.