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About livey12

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  1. Addict Mentaltiy

    At my worst I took 140mgs a day for close to a year. My main motivating factor was that my body couldn’t handle it anymore. I wasn’t sleeping or eating and my mind was elsewhere. every time I quit I gave myself every excuse to start back. Like a stressful events. I felt like I couldn’t handle it without it. there are a lot of contributing factors to why I’m sober today. I put myself into positive new situations, I tried some new things, I was vulnerable and open to those closest to me. Setting small goals helped me for when I was feeling negative. I also journaled when I was at my lowest, i looked back and read what I wrote and that was extremely heartbreaking yet motivating. I think I’m rambling at this point. But I’m close to 6 months! I still feel the funk sometimes but adopting the mantra of be kind to yourself has really helped me. Just be patient, you can do this!
  2. I’m approaching 90 days since my last pill. It feels like it’s been much longer than 90 days. This is the longest I’ve gone without relapsing and it feels amazing. Like so many others I was so scared to quit and how it would impact my life. I would ask myself how do you move forward after 4 years of around the clock addiction and abuse ?? I was fortunate enough to move to a new state which severed me from my prescribing doc. Cutting off the supplier is what I should’ve had the courage to do years ago but better late than never. I knew the first few weeks would be hell with the fatigue and hunger. I slept and ate a ton. Lots of caffeine. Moving into a new environment really helped me mentally. All those negative emotions attached to our old place and gone. We also moved to a warmer climate zone, so I’m getting tons of vitamin D that I was lacking before. I have gained about 20lbs. My metabolism is shot. But I’m not letting that discourage me as I feel physically and mentally stronger everyday from my practices. I’m back in the gym regularly doing HIIT, strength training, and hot yoga. The yoga really helped in the beginning phases of detoxing and it definitely helps ground me when I’m feeling weak. I have suffered lots of brain fog. I find myself having a hard time trying to explain things. I’m hoping this will subside. I’m so proud of where I’m at. This time last year I had a total breakdown and never thought I’d be capable of living a normal life. I’d be lying if I don’t think about taking it again or wishing I had it. But Most days I don’t think about it and that’s incredible to me. I used to count them and tally how many I took each day. I used to read stories on here and think I’d never make it past 30 days clean. I’d never be able to accomplish fitness goals without my pills. I’d never be able to work full time without my pills. I’d never be able to have social experiences without my pills. I’ve had some of the most wonderful social interactions since quitting. I am so much more pleasant and reliable without them. My best advice is give yourself time to heal do not rush it, BE KIND TO YOURSELF, and cut off your supplier. I look forward to getting to know the BEST me. God Bless
  3. Self Love

    I don't know what happened yesterday but I called in my prescription. The past few days have been rough I was feeling vulnerable... idk. I took my "prescribed" dose of 60mg yesterday and I feel like total crap now. Didn't sleep, haven't eaten anything, started to become dizzy.. I flushed the remainder of the pills down the toilet. I can't keep living like this!
  4. Self Love

    I'm currently about 25 days since my last pill. I am feeling extremely tempted to call the doctor for a refill. Years of abuse has prevented me from learning how to cope with well, life really. Whenever I'm faced with something challenging or overwhelming I feel as if I can't do it alone ( aka sober). I'm in a tough position right now, I have no job and my husband is out of the country for his work. I managed to stay off of adderall for around 50 days prior to relapsing. Recovering from that relapse has been a lot harder than I anticipated. I feel so much better without it and I hate that I have been thinking about it lately. My sleep schedule is finally normalizing. Food intake is better but I'm probably still over eating. I'm more personable, stable, and kind. I was reading through old messages between my husband and I and my ability to become mean and aggressive was alarming. Being on adderall made me mean and cruel. I was never affectionate with my husband and I was so moody. Being off of it I have rediscovered parts of myself that I had forgotten exsisited. Like the fact that I'm super goofy and silly. I can relax, take a nap when my body needs to, I've stopped grinding my teeth, my shoulder pain is gone, I can look people in the eyes. My digestive system is a million times healthier. I Had an addictive father and grew up in a volatile environment. I am a very insecure person. During my first attempt at quitting I realized I didn't love myself. I'm trying real hard to practice self love. To me, loving myself means I am good enough without drugs. That I deserve to be fed nutritious foods, and exercise. I want to care enough about myself to do those things. Another thing I started during doing my first attempt to quit was exercise. I used to love to exercise and be active. On adderall I was too busy to do it. And My heart rate would get up to 200bpm. Yesterday was my first real day back in the gym since my relapse. It's crazy how fast your body looses muscle when you're not using them. Anyways, it was a good challenge and I am sore today! Sorry for all the rambling. Just needed to write down how I'm currently feeling. I was tempted at the start of writing this but now I am not. I can and will do hard things.
  5. Same old story

    Hi Jan, i often would become very obsessive about it before I truly realized I had a legetimate problem. I would count them and mark the days on the calendar when I could go pick them up the earliest whenever I ran out and became a walking zombie I would tear apart the house to look for a pill that maybe I'd lost. I would dream about them as well. Once I realized that I was a goner I stopped some obsessive behaviors. I've accepted the fact that I have a problem and I learned how to manage those two weeks before I could get my script refilled. when I first started taking adderall I worked out all the time and I was in the best shape of my life. When I moved I slowly stopped exercising and I gained about 10-15lbs. I always thought that I'd never be able to exercise without it. When I quit for around 50 days I pushed myself to exercise almost everyday. For the past 7 years anytime I took an adderall before the gym. I didn't have high expectations but unbuilt back a lot of endurance during those 50 days. I was so proud of doing it without my magic pill, I didn't understand why I had relied on it so much before hand. I had a series of stressful events happen within one week. That's when I relapsed for about a week and a half ( I tossed the rest of that script). By the time I felt better it was time for a refill. I got it refilled and this is day 2. Since I've relapsed (2 months), I've gone to the gym 2 times vs 5x a week before. I'm disappointed that I gave up my routine and hard earned progress. To stay up all night cleaning or engrossed in my phone. This is not living! change is scary but i have to quit doing this. ?
  6. Same old story

    Thanks! I took more today because, well I was tired from not sleeping but couldn't sleep. Ugh this cycle we've put ourselves through. I can't find the courage to throw them all away right now. Im anxious about the future and feel like I need them if something happens. But I can't say no when they're in front of me. I'm too far gone. I flushed about half if not more of what's left of my prescription. Im absolutely miserable from the lack of sleep, my lips are on fire from licking them because I'm always dehydrated, My eyes are blood shot with tinges of yellow. I think a lot of my problem comes from insecurities and not loving myself enough to actually stop. I have to go to a function tomorrow and I know I will take some. My plan is to get through this event and throw out the remainder of my pills. I'm so much healthier when I'm not on it! I just want to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed so I can start moving forward.
  7. Same old story

    So many stories on here are similar to one another. I am no different. I won't go much into my beginnings with adderall because I was responsible and I didn't abuse it. Fast forward 2 years and I moved 900 miles away from home and had no job or friends. Adderall gave me purpose (aka something to do/clean each day). Like everyone else, it started small. Mine was taking one pill everyday which soon spiraled into 4-5 sometimes 6 (20mgIR). Now three years later I have a full blown addiction, I've visited this website several times and have flushed my pills and cried that I did it because I was proud only to cry again the next day because I was scared. I'm starting to see the damage. I've wasted a wonderful opportunity in a new place, hiding in my home. I haven't been living life. I'm mean and cold on it. I wound up quitting my job because I couldn't juggle it and my addiction. I told myself leaving my job would give me time to heal and create healthy habits. And it did. I went around 50 days clean and I experienced a series of stressful events. I wasn't even thinking I just needed my crutch, so naturally, I got a refill. I have had it refilled twice now, the first time I threw out about half of my pills but I did take the rest. Today is the second day on my new script and I haven't slept in 24 hours. Maybe this relapse was what I needed. I am ashamed of myself. I had come clean before I relapsed. And those I told don't know that I've fallen back. I'm realizing I have to come up with coping strategies when faced with a difficult situation. I've been running in circles on adderall. I need to get out of this cycle. I want to grow and I am hopeful.