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About Mer

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  • Birthday November 29

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    East Coast, USA

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  1. I am afraid.

    So I didn't take Adderall today. Parked outside of an NA meeting, but I couldn't bring myself to go in. It was located in a mildly seedy part of the city and I had anxiety about walking through a door guarded by an older biker-type gentleman into a meeting for which I was already a little bit late. I attempted to muster some grit, but my backbone is already bent with shame and it would have taken a lot to stroll in with my shorts and ponytail. Instead, I went to the closest wooded area and walked for awhile. I went to a diner by myself. I came home and did some dishes and watched Russell Brand's "From Addiction to Recovery." And that all felt pretty good. And now, I jumping off of a fucking bridge. I am so ashamed of my own selfishness. For my move at the end of July, I have to pack up a house that I live in with a friend who I now haven't spoken to in over a month. His sister is a recovered alcoholic, addiction has had a substantial impact on him and his family and he has an unempathetic view of addicts--in our last conversation, he told me that he didn't believe addicts were capable of understanding addiction, that he wasn't going to be anyone's savior, that "this is what addiction looks like." Most of the people I have been close to don't trust me, and rightfully so. I've been a monster and I can't imagine what it has been like to tolerate my behavior, I don't know that there is much that I can do right now to humanize my experience when my state has been completely unrelatable and downright toxic. There isn't anything that I can say that won't be interpreted through the narrative that I have created. I went home to my parents' yesterday, back to the house of disorganized chaos where unfinished projects and partially-read books clutter each surface (an ADHD household in its truest form). I wanted to be honest with my mom so badly, but she' know, a mother. And frequently my problems become more about how she can help than what I really need. She will call and text constantly after dabbling in research about any issue I have whether or not the advice is invited. Though I appreciate her support I REALLY REALLY DO, I feel instantly discouraged, overwhelmed, and disempowered by her need for purpose. And I don't know how to find myself in a home that feels like it has no space for me, one that is just as anarchic as my head. At almost 30, I have faded from the seemingly promising pursuit of my dream career. I have lost incredibly meaningful relationships, my reputation, and my mind--and they were all my own doing. My job is a trigger for a lot of substances but I'm afraid I won't be able to start a new one when I come back down to Earth and see a fucking slug in the mirror. But what I see in the mirror now makes my heart break. I just feel pretty alone, and I feel like I deserve to be.
  2. I am afraid.

    Can not tell you how much your reply means. I carried it in my mind throughout my day, and there were some trying moments. Thank you.
  3. I am afraid.

    Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I will.
  4. I am afraid.

    I came across this website this week and it has truly been life-changing. I have been so alone, watching something alter my mind and body and not being able to discuss my anxieties with anyone for fear of scaring them. I started taking Adderall in August. I'd taken it and loved it (loved it) before then, but I only took it from time to time. I've had depression since I was eleven and was prescribed Adderall once before (not for depression, but I'd been prescribed anti-depressants also) when I was thirteen or fourteen, but I didn't trust pills and wouldn't take them. I've been going through hell with my depression for the past few years and it got to a point where I knew it was beyond my control. It took me a long time to decide I would try medication, just to get me off the ground and give me the motivation to help myself get better. About ten months ago, I met with a psychiatrist and after the first appointment, I was diagnosed with ADHD and handed a prescription for Adderall 20mg XR. I felt...a lot of things. I had gone in expecting an anti-depressant and came out with what felt like a key to heaven. I felt guilty and elated. I felt validated. I had identified a goal: fix myself. And my Adderall-induced brain went to work. I became obsessed with consciousness and psychology. I was having constant epiphanies about life and the world and myself--and though my mind was in a limbo of euphoria and sadness, I really did discover so many things about myself and what I believe. My journey with Adderall was a spiritual one. I consumed podcasts and TedTalks like potato chips. My interest in the world was superfocused and I was picking it apart like a puzzle. But while my internal world was populating, my external world was falling apart. I was in a relationship that was definitely emotionally abusive with a guy who is very critical and controlling, and my depression and the Adderall just kept me spinning around and around, looking for this "better self" that I was trying to achieve. I couldn't sleep and I didn't eat. I lost a ton of weight. My skin looked like shit. I had rings underneath my eyes that I couldn't hide with any amount of make up. Prior to Adderall, though I needed time alone to rejuvenate and recalibrate, I had always had lots of great friends and was social. I have alienated myself from most of my friends, offending them or acting crazy with my monstrous and wounded ego (and a boyfriend whom they all hated). Adderall exaggerated other addictions, which I think is inevitably good because it made me recognize them for what they were. I was using external substitutes as ways to control myself because I felt out of control from the inside. I changed my prescription months ago to 10mg IR. I am still not myself. Not that I expected to be my full self. I don't remember what that feels like anymore. I am so fucking scared of returning to where I was before I began medication. I am scared of being sedentary, and returning to hopelessness. Adderall gave me the drive and focus that I have always desired and hated myself for lacking. But now I am an empty shell, I don't trust myself to be myself, and I'm terrified of what I am doing to my mind and body. My heart is constantly racing. I often cannot take a full breath. My veins look fucking terrifying and I can feel that my teeth and gums are just a little bit...different. I can't communicate clearly, interrupting myself midsentence and speaking it parables. I can't converse without philosophizing. With a lowered dosage, my brain gets tired and I am often fighting with it for consciousness as it longs to drift off into a fantasy world of tangents. I don't know what of my mind is mine and what is a drug anymore. I want to regain myself, but I also don't want to lose myself. I am so afraid that I will no longer be intelligent without medication, that the static will creep back into my mind and all of my thoughts will be erased. I am moving back home in a month. I wrote a letter to my mom, inspired by this website. I just...learning is so important to me. I don't want to lose my ability to do so. I don't want to lose my luster for life. But I am exhausted and hurt and lost.