1122

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  1. Up against it

    I'm up against it right now. The pills are close to the end. My wife found them and is rip shit at me. I have work in the morning but I'm gonna call in sick. I feel so sick. I'm so tired of being here. I feel so down. Listening to Ben Harper helps but only for a now, for I know the music won't sound anything as good as it does at this moment. In the next day or two I won't have the energy to turn on the music let alone feel it's energy. I'm done. My story on speed takes me back to San Diego. It was there 20 years ago where I got hooked on meth. I tried it and loved it from the first time. It made me feel good. Good like I never felt before. On meth I was creative, optomistic, energetic, inspired. I spiraled on it. I lost my job, my friends my apartment, my mind, my self. 15 thousand in debt, no home, barely any friends, no future. I did have a close family back east though. They caught wind of my situation and my brother reached out. He paid my ticket home. When I got there I slept for a month. So depressed and lost. But I bounced back over time. Still living with my parents, i got back to work, paid my debts, and bought a car. Things were looking up. It was years since I did meth but it was always on my mind. I dreamed about it. You know the dreams don't you!! It was probably 10 years after getting back from california. I had a great job and was pursuing a college degree. A guy told me about adder all as it helped him thru college. I had a diagnosis of adHD from the past and looked into it. I was told to go see this particular doctor. I saw him and with in 2 days u had a prescription for 60 mgs a day. 40 mgs extended release, (OBLONG ) 20 mgs short action. (CIRLCLES/ORANGE). within 6 month I was getting 80 mgs a day. 40 long, 40 short. This began back in 2010 and here I and right now at 1057 pm Aug 2017. I did shut it don't for a few months here and there but it keeps calling me. I feel like life is boring without it. I feel numb and dead without it. I also get 15 mgs a day from another provider that doesn't know about my other prescription. I have a problem that keep going on. I fill the script and feel happy even before I take a pill, I blow threw the script in 2 to 3 weeks, I barely remember where I was those 2 to 3 weeks, then I come done, I feel depress, I loss my shit on my family. I sleep for a week and avoid everyone. Time passes by. I start to feel better. A watch the calendar count the day to my next fill. I constantly feel my back pocket and feel for pills I usually carry there. Where I feel them I feel reasssured, they are there. When I don't feel them I feel sick. I'm always feeling my back pocket looking for security. I dream often about finding pills and meth. It haunts me. And here I am once again in the downside of this vicious cycle. I wish there was an easy way to face the day but I know better. Wish me luck and to anyone else out there fight this fight, just know your not alone.