Renewal

I used adderall for the first time in university. It was a great way to cram study for finals and get energy to do projects that I felt may be above my capacity. That is my main reason for using adderall, not so much the inability to focus, though that can be difficult, but the anxiety that this next project might be the one where I have finally reached my intellectual limits. I started writing my usage history and then I started getting way too into the details, and I don't really see the point. Long story short, my dosage was 10mg for 1-2 years and then 20mg for years 3-5. I rarely took it everyday and never while on vacation or days off work (ok maybe a handful of times for housework), but for 2-3 months at a time I would take it 7 days/week for high-stress projects. I took it more during the winter than in the summer, almost as an antidepressant because I tended to get seasonal depression. Last spring I quit completely for 6 months spring to late fall and then started up again in the winter for a high stress period of work. I regret starting it again because my usage this winter was the worst that I had ever used it. I accomplished what I wanted to but it was probably a low point in my life health-wise and relationship-wise. I don't want to go there again. Right now I have been completely off it for more than 5 months. The first couple weeks were hard, then it was easy for 2 months, like exhaling after holding your breath. I kind of had maybe even a manic phase where I felt on top of the world living my life without adderall. Exercise, meditation and a long vacation helped a lot. Now at month 5 I'm starting to feel anhedonia. Its starting to become difficult to keep up with the day to day stuff, though I'm still hanging on working 40-50 hours a week. I plan on taking a vacation soon hopefully to regain some energy. I'm thinking about talking to my doctor about taking Wellbutrin for a while. I've had a tendency towards winter depression for a while but always avoided antidepressants since I doubted there efficacy and knew for a fact that adderall would work (at least during the high). I've now realized that because of the past times where I took more adderall than I should that I can't ever go back to taking adderall. That psychological bridge has been crossed. This is not even mentioning the 1000 other reasons Adderall was slowly crushing my spirit and natural thirst for life. I'm determined to keep going this time. My health and joy for life is more important than my performance reviews or bonuses. I know this job isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life and I know that if I take adderall again I'll get a false sense that this job is a better fit than it really is. Adderall can make anything interesting which is only delaying me from finding a career/venture that is actually fulfilling, or even slightly better than the one I have now. Reading some stories on this site helped me today to decide to keep going after I had a little feeling of that itch to go back.