Its been hard for me to admit that I'm addicted to Adderall, but I found this website and it gave me the courage to admit it and begin my journey off of it.
I first took a pill when I was in pharmacy school, I was so tired trying to stay up all night and take tests and pay attention in class the next day. One of my study partners gave me their Adderall and it was amazing. I could take one 10mg pill and be up all day and study all day with hardly any sleep.
Believe it or not, prior to Adderall, I was a straight A student. I started pharmacy school making straight As. I finally made Bs and even my only C in pharmacy school after starting Adderall. But all my friends did it and we studied together, so it was easy to get addicted. I easily got a script from my doctor and so it began.
I graduated with a 3.7 GPA, moved to another state for a one year post graduate residency in a hospital. I tried getting off Adderall for 2 months during that residency year and it was horrible. I caved and said I would stop when residency was over and my life settled down. Of course, it didn't. My job was very challenging and I'm a go-getter at heart. I would take it to read entire guidelines after I got off work. I was definitely amazing at my job that's for sure.
I was "dating" very unhealthy people and found Adderall to be the only thing to ease my mind from the constant worry about why I'm not in a relationship or why I'm not married yet. I'm currently 29 and life is hard for us single girls near 30.
I've eventually moved to sometimes 30mg-40mg IR one day a week or sometimes several days in a row.
I moved for a job promotion to a completely different state, barely knowing a soul. Adderall makes me feel like I don't mind being completely alone and like I don't even notice that I'm single. Off of it for an entire week, I have so so so much trouble getting out of bed, I constantly think my new coworkers are judging me or hate me, I am completely miserable at work and constantly feel like I'm not good enough, even though logically, I know these things aren't true.
I've been taking it for 5 years now. I'm taking a huge board exam in a month and after that, I want to get off Adderall entirely. It makes me paranoid, extremely depressed, and I am so ashamed of my addiction. I only take it when things get hectic at work or when I need to do something for work. I would never take it recreationally to party (mainly bc I'm an anti-social weirdo on it who would rather stare at walls).
My two biggest issues with quitting are: extreme depression and extreme tiredness. If I were certain those things would go away exactly 30 days after I stopped, I could start today, but I seriously get so depressed sometimes that I consider suicide. I'm alone way too much and even feel alone at work bc my coworkers are all so new to me. I'm worried I need to be in a relationship to quit or maybe even in rehab just so I can assure my stability and not feeling so hopeless and empty that I want to end my life. I want to be happy. I want to live a life without addiction. I know I can. But I'm so worried about the withdrawal period that I'm scared to quit.
Any advice would be helpful.