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Everything posted by EricP

  1. depression Life ruined?

    Just 6mo.
  2. depression Life ruined?

    If you simply google "amphetamine increases risk of Parkinson's" many credible articles come up. Mind you some are more related to the evil twin meth... still the same mechanisms however. I have read a lot about the down regulation we are all suffering from as well possible nerodegeneration (loss of dopamine cells) thus due to the fact that amphetamines are neuro toxic. While you can't measure the specific dopamine level in the brain you can get a PET or DAT scan typically used to aid Parkinson's diagnosis which often report 10-30% less dopamine function (symmetrically, meaning both sides of the brain) in known past amphetamine users. Even up to 50% in extreme cases. Parkinsons patients typically begin reporting mobility related complications around a 50-70% loss. And typically it only affects one side first. Even a patient with 10% loss on these scans have reported extreme depression, concentration and fatigue etc. If this does cause dopamine cell loss as suggested, most of us if scanned are likely a bit compromised "under normal". This does not mean we will all have Parkinsons just means our risk is higher. The causes of Parkinson's is wide spread and still unknown. One of the largest suspects is pesticides and chemicals/toxins. It think amphetamines are certainly in a toxin category however that is just an opinion. I have reviewed this information with my neurologist and he agrees there are potential links however simply there are not enough studies completed to know the effects 100%. Basically we would have had to had a DAT or PET scan before Adderall then 5-10years later have another after taking it for years and then quiting long enough for the brain the recover before scanning again. I have considered getting a scan myself however insurance won't cover all of it. If by 2yrs I still have symptoms like I have now maybe I would spend the money... However a scan would just be information as there is no real treatment for dopamine cell loss. Just a few links, there are many more you can google:
  3. 1 year

    Congrats on the 1yr anniversary. I am only a quarter of the way to 2... Every day so far has been long especially when trying to function while others completely waisted and slipped away. I have also read in many places this is a 2yr process.
  4. ugh. relapse

    I knew you were joking! It did make me think though that if I could go back and choose coke over Addy maybe I'd been better off. Who knows. Yes most of us too old and/or mentally way past the days of experimenting with any substance.
  5. ugh. relapse

    Cocaine wold have likely been an easier and healthier addiction in ways. I have an old friend that got addicted to Meth and tried quitting many times. Wasn't until he followed the suggestion of someone at an NA meeting to try switching to coke for a few months then slowly taper off that he was able to quit everything 100%. He is 5yrs sober now. Not suggesting, just saying

    Procrastination is my new word for much of my Adderall recovery! While I have experienced and continue to experience many symptoms of anxiety, depression, fatigue and memory struggles; procrastination seems to be the winner! I know am actually still capable of a lot, I just often seem to wait and wait and wait. Not sure what I am waiting for? The withdrawal to suddenly end on its own?! Whether it's to get up and get a little exercise, head to the store or call a certain client at work it can be a struggle to "just get started" on some of the simplest of things. Funny if you google "drugs to help procrastination" the first thing that pops up is Ritalin, Modafinil and Adderall. Lol Anyway not sure there is a quick fix besides taking it a day at a time and forcing ourselves to keep busy but thought I would share!

    I agree smaller less intimidating steps do help a lot! Also a lot more rewarding as there are things to do that can be easily crossed off the list. I do can relate to the fear part as well. I think there is often a fear of not performing thus you put itt off or avoid it all together. I am also finally getting to a place where I don't worry as much about having a low day on a day I have committed to something sizable. I seriously would avoid scheduling with people or certain jobs as I was afraid whatever day I chose could be one of the days I could barely get myself out of the house. While I still have low days they are a little less debilitating lately.
  8. Writing off/after Adderall

    I find focus and memory overall compromised. Even something as simple as a birthday card takes me time to find the right mood to focus and write something meaningful. I also find myself questioning and second guessing my spelling more often. My errors are more frequent so when finish I always reread to proof. My hand writing has also become a bit more like "chicken scratch" unless I force myself to focus on it a bit. Making lists of my daly "to do's" has been a very important step of each work morning. Some of this has seemed to improve in the past couple months however it is so gradual it is hard to measure unless I think back to a particular day/time that I was really struggling.
  9. Quitting (again)

    Welcome back and congratulations to your commitment to want to quit! At 22 with a healthy diet and exercise you can easily keep your figure in as good or better than with Adderall. You will end up with a healthy body that is likely more attractive than the Adderall enhanced figure you have now. Keep your spirit up and keep reading and posting questions here. If you have the desire to eat eat something low Cal and healthy. If you are tired go for a walk and try to run or jog during some of it... There is lots of support here, don't give up!
  10. depression Life ruined?

    The basic problem is the longer you take adderall the more you need adderall and at higher doses. There are numerous studies that show that amphetamines are neuro toxic. This means that over time it kill's dopamine receptors. And no they do not regenerate. In an extreme case of dopamine receptor loss is Parkinson's, however typically in this disease they die on their own for unknown reasons. With Adderall we begin taking it for ADHD or whatever reason needing dopamine stimulation to function the way we want, however once we stop not only have we been teased with the feeling of adderall and also we now have less receptors than when we first got prescribed adderall. Based on my reserch it seems that over time peoples brain adjusts to this new lower dopamine output however we will likely never be better than before we started the adderall.
  11. Depression or ADD or addiction???

    I am about half way to 11mo. I am certainly hoping to feel better than the way I feel now by then however your description sounds like I feel now. I do believe underlying depression has something to do with it. Then there is our brain still adjusting to the lacking dopamine flood stimulatin. I don't think we will ever feel anywhere close to Adderall days however I pray a new "normal" is coming! How is your nightly sleep? Do you get a solid 8hrs?
  12. depression Life ruined?

    Yes it is sad but true... I have had at least 5 doctors even including the 1 that supports me quitting tell me "that it is possible I need adderall to function normally"... I have decided no doc appts for at least 6mo so I will be at 1yr before discussing it again with them.
  13. depression Life ruined?

    Agree as well. I am at almost 6mo and I had a couple weeks where I felt pretty good, yet now I am at another low now. This recovery is very up and down and yes very lonely. Exercise I do believe helps a lot however some weeks it just seems impossible to take that step among just barely functioning. Doctors do not understand how bad this drug is, when I question them on it they always tell me there are not enough "credible studies" and that it has been used successfully for decades. While I can find many articles googling many are abstract and others are on meth which doctors do not view as the same. I believe no "credible studies" are done as there is no "profit" for big pharma in taking a drug off the market... Unless a competing big pharma company did one to eliminate a competitor.
  14. 6 months out--hasn't been hard at all

    In a funny way it is all "in our head" as that is where dopamine comes from However physically and mentally PAWS is very exhausting.
  15. Is Adderall Ruining My Marriage?

    I must say your situation does sound very complicated. I am sorry to hear about the little ones health. I pray he is ok. Knowing your husband was promiscuous before marriage and being able to forgive that is a "big one" as many people that alone would be a deal breaker. Moving on beyond that if he doesn't get to a point where he does not show any effort or express wanting to try therapy and/or giving up Adderall for you and his kids then you will have no choice but to take steps to protect your future, saving money etc. I have no idea the laws etc if you were to move back to UK where you have family support for your children. However a good argument would be if he is seeking other relationships and not contributing then he is not making any effort to help raise/support them here and you need to be somewhere with support. I don't know how financially invested you are in the house however if you were wiling to give it up to some degree perhaps moving away would allow him to go ahead and "leave you" as he threatens and then ultimately crash and realize his mistakes and eventually step up even if not for you at least for the kids. I also went thru a divorce a few years ago as my wife was also promiscuous and constantly seeking attention from men. Once I found out some of the details as much as I wanted to save the marriage for my young girls I had just completely lost all emotional attachments to her even after trying counseling etc. The choice to move on was healthiest for my heart and in the end I became a better father without the tensions of an unhealthy relationship. We share custody 50/50 as we live in the same town and when the kids are with me I give 110% and when they are with her I am still available to help and keep in contact with them. Looking back I don't regret it. We just became two different people or basically grew apart. In ways I probably got on Adderall after the divorce due to mentally being a bit lost and having trouble focusing and needed to snap out of it and make a living. It worked business wise however not worth it personally. You are also going to have to be careful as this site may be able to help him however if he reads your posts he is going to likely be more angry and know your thoughts/plans. Unless its already been told to him... Just saying... If you can get him to stop Adderall you may have a chance... However he needs to be committed! I can say for me within a week or two of being off I became emotional and past and recent situations with people that I knew I handled inappropriately were immediately strong on my mind and I reached out and sincerely apologized to them. Sobriety changed me very quickly. I cant say that is the same for everyone however for me it was a big shift. My grudges melted away rapidly... As for what helps me cope most right now... Anything that reduces stress... Downtime, time with my kids, sun, acupuncture, massage, biweekly counseling, this site, sleep, exercise and crossing even the smallest things off my list... Work is the hardest right now above all as I am having a hard time keeping my energy and mental focus on it and am letting some things slip... I am praying in the next few months this will get better and I do not loose too many clients in the meantime. Hope this helps guide you a little...
  16. Is Adderall Ruining My Marriage?

    Thank you for your support! I can really relate to the things you are saying about your husband. While I do not know your husband or any potential underlying issues with your marriage before the Adderall I can say what you are explaining is in alignment to the empty emotions and compulsive behavior the drug promotes. Adderall makes you feel superior in many ways and very empty in others. I found that in my last months of use I just wanted to “feel” and somehow it stripped this away. While I did not make a hobby of searching for women I can see how getting attention from someone new may be exciting and temporarily fulfilling the “something missing” department. It may be far after your marriage does fall apart that he finally crashes and realizes what he has lost and by then you will have moved on. I am surprised you haven’t begun already based on his actions. You are a good person to be willing to understand that some of this may not be him 100% and maybe there is hope with recovery. The problem is he must “want to recover”. Maybe try counseling or write a note to his doctor with your concerns of the medications effects… Problem is he can just find another doctor… So Counseling is likely best and/or maybe printing some highlights of the Adderall’s effects from the internet and reviewing with him… You can google and find plenty of supporting information. A good read also is: I can relate to many things in these stages as well pretty sure I was between 6 & 7 when I stopped.
  17. 6 months out--hasn't been hard at all

    Thank you for the kind words and support! I am certain I will get past this... I haven't considered taking a pill since the day I stopped even though I know I have a full bottle in my safe that I need to dispose of! So that's the good news... Sleep wise I track with my Fitbit and I do usually get over 7hrs. Unfortunately I am still waking up around 3-4am quite often and get more of a toss and turning after that. I have tried different sleep aids, currently I have settled on time release melatonin which helps getting to sleep beyond that I guess only time will help this get better.
  18. 6 months clean

    Hello Addled, You have probably read some of my posts as I have been pretty active here lately as this site has really helped me understand and cope with my symptoms. Yes crying is a normal part of the depression this recovery seems to cause. Mine is most often in the morning before I get up when I feel weak after my common mixed nights sleep and I start thinking of everything I need to do and everything I have neglected with my low energy and focus.. Sometimes when I start thinking too much while driving as well... I am glad you have "more energy" than before that seems unusual during recovery and is awesome! I also had mixed hunger and digestion and craved the bad foods while on it and am eating very constantly and healthy now. Digestion is now much better and constipation has mostly remedied itself. I did have a period in the beginning of being off Adderall that it just seemed like my food was digesting very slowly and had heart burn/acid re-flux. Red meat was the worst and I still avoid it. It passed for me around the end of month 3. Weight wise I first lost weight as my hunger actually went down, now I eat a lot and have gained that weight plus a few pounds back. However I am exercising whenever I can so I haven't lost control of it.
  19. Biting my tongue more since quitting

    I have a habit of feeling the back of my teeth with my tongue since I quit. More of a nervous habit, sometimes I think its because my gums feel more sensitive however I think the fact that I keep putting pressure on them with my tongue is what is making them sensitive in the first place. I can't say why you are biting your tongue however maybe some similar nervous habit. Plus in general I have always noticed when I have bitten my tongue it swells up which makes it easier to bite again! Ouch! Not sure what you can do besides trying to eat a little slower and keep a conscious effort of keeping your tongue out of the way.
  20. 6 months out--hasn't been hard at all

    That is an awesome recovery! Congratulations! I am shortly behind you around 5mo... Still struggling here. I do believe a lot is in the head. You have a lot of positive things going on in your life that few people could replicate with their timing of recovery. I have had day dreams wondering if I "hit the lottery" if I would feel better etc. My answer to myself is "maybe a little" and sometimes "no" other times "probably". Who knows unless it happens! It takes a lot of willpower to overcome the depression some of us get. I am trying everything I can and some days it works other days I crash. Depression is real, however I do believe it can be beaten! I am happy hear your inspiration, great that you have found a positive partner to support you and are doing so well!
  21. Using Wellbutrin to help quit

    Also wondered if you or anyone else has been ever able to link your lowest days to prior good/busy days? For instance last weekend I had a family reunion that I helped coordinate. Leading up to it I felt pretty good and got what I needed to done. I was feeling pretty good during the party with all my family till I began to mentally fade toward the end and ever since I have basically physically crashed. Today I am feeling a little better however it took like 4 days to recover.
  22. Using Wellbutrin to help quit

    Thanks Sean. Helps me to relate to others in their progress... It's a very lonely recovery on some days...
  23. Using Wellbutrin to help quit

    Sean how are you feeling at 7mo? I am shortly behind you at 5mo and still fighting some strong depression especially in the mornings, low modivation and lack of energy. Some days I feel almost normal however days like today I called in sick as I just woke up totally exhausted... I am taking welbutrin however it's no miracle maker. I think I am going to stop taking it also.
  24. Is Adderall Ruining My Marriage?

    I also was taking 10mg (5mg twice daily) maybe took 15 on a couple of long days. Just because this is considered low dose does not mean it is not affecting him. It affects people differently and I think just the more you push the dose up the more you need. For me I did not need much, in the beginning I would take a half pill (2.5) even though I was prescribed 5mg and it really helped. Over the last year and a half before stoping I ended up on the 10mg daily however felt the effects differently toward the last few months. I was very up and down, almost depressed then impulsively happy. I also began drinking a lot in the evenings which I quit first as I thought maybe that was causing my "downs". I cant speak for your husbands specific actions or what his intentions or desires are. I can say that Adderall made me impulsive constantly seeking the "next thing", in business this was sometimes good as I would take more risks however personally I was spending too much with impulsive purchases and often internet shopping for cars and things I couldn't afford. Adderall increases dopamine which is also known to increase testosterone and libido. He is likely being impulsive and seeking fullfullment however nothing will fullfill him while on Adderall as like me with cars etc once you get "the car" or the next girl or whatever he will likely quickly be bored with it. The mind seems to get selfish and emotionless after time. After taking for some time we do want to "feel" so our actions get more extreme in attempt to find something that will "move us". Quitting for me was my own choice. The ups and downs scared me and I was afraid of the health consequences once I did more reading. I caught a cold that in turn was a good time to stop "cold turkey". That was a bad idea as the first month was horrible. I am not taking anymore at 5mo off now and still having a hard time with motivation, low energy, remembering things and just everything seems harder. I definetly have some depression and taking welbutrin which helps a little. My emotion is normal now or perhapse even a bit "emotional" however feeling "joy" is very muted still. I am told by other on this site it takes about a year to get over the hump and begin to function somewhat normally.. I pray this is true as I can say this is very difficult on my low days. I just hope I can hold my business together that long as I have been avoiding some opportunities as I can't handle a full load right now. Hope this helps a little. Feel free to keep posting; ask anything or message anytime.
  25. Is Adderall Ruining My Marriage?

    Coming from my own use and experience I can say that it definetly increased my anger. Some days I would come home so pissed at the world that I would need a couple martini's to calm me down. In my relationships I would get stuck on small things and hold grudges agains people. I think the lies come from the fact the mind is moving so fast that we say and do things without fully thinking and then need to "think fast" to cover it up. Sometimes when it really isn't a big deal however I think it's just a defense mechanism while on this medication that doesn't want to be "found out". As most people on Adderall don't tell people they are on it. It's almost an "instant narcissistic" medication in ways...