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About bagheena

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  1. I want to die.

    I live with my dad because I can't afford rent anywhere else; I pay him cheap rent. And he's had enough of my depression, always has. I can barely make myself get out of bed, and sometimes I can't even do that. He's spent every day of my recovery telling me how I'm hurting him by not doing things, that I'm lazy, that I'm worthless. Once he stood over me while I was crying in bed and promised to make me even more miserable than I already was. That if I don't start doing things and stop stressing him out and stop making the entire house darker, he's going to throw me and my shit onto the street without hesitation. He's "had enough" of my attitude. Today as I was leaving for work, he told me that I need to "stay away, leave and just stay away," he doesn't want me here. He's sick of me. I'm sick of me. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of having to struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I'm sick of being told I'm worthless for it. I want to die. I want everything to end. I can't take this shit anymore, and I'm not going to. I would have already ended it, but I can't find a painless way to kill myself. I think I want to OD on something, but I don't have anything to OD on. I have access to a gun, but I'm afraid I won't hit my brain stem and then I'll be forced to live an even shittier life. I hate being alive. Maybe I'll get over this. I don't know if that'll be possible when I'm sleeping in my car, but maybe I will. I don't know. I'm just sick of it all.
  2. Eyesight After Quitting

    I feel like my eyesight has gotten worse--but that could be natural. Both of my parents need glasses. I couldn't say for sure if it's linked to the withdrawal or not.
  3. ugh. relapse

    I've been there. Twice, in fact. It's discouraging, but it doesn't mean you've failed. Your brain is still recovering, you can still move forward. I know the feeling you describe intimately--of not knowing what's going to happen at the next doctor's appointment--and it's a really stressful one. All I can recommend is doing your best to put it out of your mind and just focus on your recovery. Dwell on all the good that you've done yourself so far, not the ways you've failed. You can make it. You can definitely do it. If other people have, then so can we. Whatever happens at your next doctor's appointment--whether you fall off the wagon again or not--don't give up on your recovery. Best of luck to you! Feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk.
  4. Holy crap, Batman! I just finished writing a novel and a short story. Life sucks and I can't find the motivation to get out of bed, but I still managed to find the gumption to write a couple of books. (To be fair, I outlined them both back when I was on Adderall, but still.) I churned those things out one word at a time. I've even gotten some positive feedback on the short story so far. If my dopamine wasn't so useless, I think I'd be super proud of myself. If I can do something like this despite a dopamine deficiency the size of Alaska, then anything is possible for anyone. We are not limited by our mistakes. Just wanted to share.
  5. depression Life ruined?

    Hey there, I know how you feel. I've had depression since puberty, and I understand how it feels to come off adderall on top of already being depressed. Sometimes I just sit at my desk with my head in my arms, and sometimes I cry, too. Difficult is an understatement. This is the definition of misery. But you're not alone. Everyone on this forum is in that place, or has been in that place. I keep telling myself that if I can just get past the dopamine deficiency, then I'll be able to take care of my depression. I think it helps, just a little. I'm tapering off, too. I went one month cold turkey, and now I'm two months in at a fast taper. I haven't told anyone in my life; my family would have a fit if they knew I'd gotten hooked on adderall, and they certainly wouldn't help me. I know how it feels to do this alone. The first month is the hardest. Just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. It's agonizing, but you can do it. If I can get through the first month, anyone can. It's possible. You've got to endure, though; it's hard. It's so hard. But it's possible. Hang around these forums whenever you feel like you want to tear out your hair and scream. I spend hours lurking here when I'm having bad days. Just don't forget that you're not alone! Feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk.
  6. Using Wellbutrin to help quit

    I'm taking Wellbutrin XL 300 mg. I don't think it's made much of a difference in my depression.
  7. Can't Believe it Happened to Me

    @EricP Well, I talked to my doctor, and I think I'm going to try tapering. This is just too much for me to handle. He gave me 5mg/day with two days off between scripts. It's not even a tease, but it's something. Upside: 5mg is so useless, I'm not even tempted to take more than one. 10mg is useless to me, too. And 50mg. I could take the whole bottle at once and it wouldn't do anything for more than half an hour. *Sigh* Thank you very much for your comments! @Alyssa Thank you. My family definitely wouldn't be understanding on this point, though--they think drug addicts are morons and a drain on society. It'd kill them to learn I'm one of those. They "raised me better than that," after all. I appreciate your comments! @Cheeri0 Hello! Yes, it was you that sent me here. Glad to see you again! Thank you for your comments. I'm already settling in to this forum, and I think I'll definitely stick around. This is a nice place. @Mer Ah, yes, it sounds like we have a lot in common. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in my position. (You write beautifully, by the way--have you considered publishing professionally if you haven't already?) You've been incredibly helpful and encouraging, thank you so much!!
  8. I am not. Totally cold turkey this time. Well, I can safely say L-Tyrosine doesn't do much for me, if anything at all. But every little bit counts, so I'll throw my weight behind this one. Thanks for replying, guys!
  9. Hey, guys, I've read a bit about L-Tyrosine and how it can help with recovery, so I grabbed a bottle of 1000 mg tablets and took two on an empty stomach a few minutes ago. Fingers crossed it helps! I was just wondering, for those of you who have taken this supplement and noticed a difference, how long was it until you... well, noticed a difference? A few hours, days, weeks? What did that difference consist of, exactly? I know it won't "replace" the adderall--nothing will, I guess--I just want an idea of what to look out for. I've seen a couple of threads on this supplement, and they're great, very informative. But I'd like more information from more people, if at all possible. Thanks in advance!
  10. Adderall: How I beat the vicious cycle

    Man, I really needed this. Thank you for the encouragement. If other people can make it through, then so can I.
  11. Somebody on reddit recommended this site, so here I am. Let's see if getting this all off my chest helps. I've always known I have ADHD; I was diagnosed as a kid, and my parents had me on an adderall substitute, but I don't know what it was or for how long. I'm fuzzy with the dates, but when I'd left for college and was living on my own, I decided my depression and ADHD needed to stop if I was going to get anywhere in life, so I went to a doctor and got me some adderall. I wasn't expecting the high, and kind of started to use it to treat my depression more than my ADHD. It was great for a few months. Then it started working less, so I asked my doctor for a higher dose. And later on, it stopped working again, so I asked for a higher dose. I did this until I was taking 30mg three times daily (or at least, that's what I was supposed to be taking--I did closer to 300mg daily until my supply ran out). I've been on the stuff for two years, I think? I'm female, and was sitting at 120 lbs for most of my adderall days. Now I'm almost 200 lbs. I primarily interact with my dad's side of the family, and they hate drugs like adderall (if only I'd listened), so I never told anyone I was taking it. It wasn't really my decision to get off the stuff; I just got sick of the withdrawal that followed every time I burned through my script in a few days. I finally figured that if I was going to go through that withdrawal phase, I was only going to do it once. I've fallen off the wagon twice, and this is day 10 since my last pill. I'm afraid I'll never get off it. The dopamine deficiency is killing me more than anything; I hate it, I hate feeling like this, I want to want to be alive again. I wish I'd never started taking this crap. I wish I'd researched it before I asked for the script. The worst part is, I can't tell my family anything because they'd disown me if they knew I'd got myself addicted to amphetamines. So I'm trudging up this hill alone, and everybody is getting super ticked off at me for how I'm acting, and that isn't helping in the slightest. I have a little bit of cushion because they know I'm depressed, but for the most part they're just making this whole process so much harder. I don't make enough to live on my own, so here I am, almost thirty and still living with my dad. I hate that, too. I don't know how I can possibly get through this, let alone get my life back on track. The first time I tried to quit, I ended up calling out of work so many times they fired me. I have a new job now, and I'm afraid I'm going to lose it, too. It's so frustrating not being able to get any work done. I hate not being able to make it through my days without wanting to scream or maybe kill myself. It's so hard. I know other people have quit successfully, but it feels like I'll never be one of those people.