I have been lurking this website and this forum for over a year. I have contemplated sharing my story for so long but couldn't make myself do it-maybe because being honest would make everything real- but at this point, I know I have a problem.
I never thought that I would end up here. I started taking Adderall in 2012 because the nurse practitioner thought I had legitimate ADHD and I did as well. For the first year, I didn't abuse the drug. I only took it when needed and every month I usually had at least ten extra pills. Slowly, over time I gradually increased my dosage. Sometimes it was a little bit extra here and there- nothing too extreme but somehow I ended up here- prescribed 30 mg IR a day and taking up to 60 mg IR, maybe even more. I lost weight, became really irritable and lost sight of who I was. I ran out early all the time and would just sleep it off for those few days, lie about how things were going and then pickup my script. Over time I needed benzos so fall asleep and to take the edge off of the crash. My prescriber got so frustrated with me that she cut off both prescriptions. I found a new psychiatrist and told him I had trouble with it in the past (a somewhat sanitized version) and he agreed I could take it as long as I was honest with him and didn't any extra.
Of course, I fucking blew it. But this time, instead of lying, I decided to be honest. I came to his office and told him I was taking way more than prescribed and that my life had gotten out of control. I'm on the "taper down" method. I should be off altogether in a month. I'm currently taking one 20 XR a day and I wish I could say that I only felt mildly uncomfortable but the truth is it barely affects me and feels only slightly less better than not taking anything at all. I'm tempted to take more but I can't lie to this guy.
It's hard for me to articulate how truly alone I feel. It's not the fact that I let this get so out of control (ironically, I thought the Adderall was the only thing holding my life together, until it was ruining it), it's just the path that lead me here. A good portion of my life I have been so deeply and profoundly depressed and this was the only thing that helped. But something deep inside of me knew that I couldn't fix the underlying issues that lead me here without being sober. I'm just worried that I ruined my life. The brain fog, the tiredness and the crushing depression are so intense that sometimes I'll just sit with my head in my hands, as if I can't even contain these feelings. I rarely cry, but there are times when I start crying and can't stop. I realized that this is probably the tip of an Everest sized emotional iceberg that I've ignored for so many years. I'm so afraid. And beyond feeling afraid, I have never, ever felt so alone. I know that no one sitting on the other end of this and reading this could ever really say that I will be "ok", but to know that someone else knows what it's like to not only be deeply intertwined with a drug they thought saved their life and lose it, but who knows what it's like to feel like there was something deeply and pathologically wrong with you that lead you down this road in the first place would feel comforting. Or that someone out there read this.