My wife was diagnosed with ADHD almost 20 years ago. At first, I dipped into her Dexedrine bottles on weekends when we were out clubbing so I could be the life of the party. In 2009, the company I worked for switched from random urine tests to random hair tests. I was forced to find my own doctor and my own prescription if I were going to continue to use amphetamines. I found my own Adderall script and my weekend warrior ways continued.
I was training for a 1/2 marathon in 2014 and a training buddy told me that Adderall was the key to running long distances. Now, in addition to my weekend use, I started taking Adderall before all of my training runs.
It was a simple jump (at least to me) if Adderall could help me train better, it could help me work better. If it could help me work better, it could help me....
Over the past few months, life has come full circle. I am back to raiding my wife's bottle to for a few pills for the weekend. Only now I raid her bottle because I have used all of mine. She is starting to notice the missing pills and my excuses about giving mine to friends is running thin.
On the weekends, I take a lot of Adderall, run long distances, and stay up late drinking with friends. On the Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I take a small dose to get through work and then I come home and sleep. On Thursday, I take a large dose to run and cover miles. On Friday, the weekend starts and so does this miserable cycle I find myself trapped in.
My children seem like a burden, a nuisance. They get in the way of my buzz or my sleep. I have no control over my temper now and I explode over the smallest transgressions. My oldest child really needs my guidance at this point in life and I am either speeding, sleeping or jonesing. I look back and try to pinpoint the day where my priorities got so messed up but the look back seems so hazy.
Everything I love and have worked for feels like its slipping away. My wife, my children, and my career all seem to be on shaky ground. Even if I make changes now, I'm not sure I can save the life I knew.
I've been having suicidal thoughts of late. Nothing acute, but more the "what if" kind of thoughts. I have a beautiful family and beautiful children, a lot to fight for, and a life worth saving if only for my boys. Last night, as I tried to explain to my wife why our checking account was overdrawn and why her debit card was rejected while she was out black Friday shopping with her friends, I started looking for help and I found this site.
Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories here. I have read many of them and will read any more. For the first time in a long time, the word 'hope' is starting to bubble just below the surface and I realize for the first time, other people have been through this and survived.
And now my journey begins.
