The Chieftain

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  1. Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't

    Thanks guys, I know I have to ditch Adderall completely. I am sick of being a disappointment to everyone around me and Adderall is exacerbating that. It is just hard to quit when I am required to exert so much mental energy and when daily studying leaves me feeling so isolated. Adderall is the easy way out because it makes me feel okay when I am alone for an extended period of time. Luckily I am seeing my therapist tomorrow who is pretty anti-Adderall. Hopefully I can formulate a plan to move forward. It is just depressing when you have devoted 3 years of your life to something and not being able to see it through to the end. Ultimately, I got myself into this situation and I have the responsibility to get myself out.
  2. Hey guys, I'm in a bit of a predicament right now. Due to my adderall abuse in law school I feel that my mental capacities have been markedly diminished, especially my short term memory. In conversation, I sometimes even have trouble recalling basic words (two weeks ago I couldn't recall the word "lobby" when talking about a hotel). In May I graduated from law school and now I am studying for the bar exam. In my final year of law school I abstained from adderall use w/ the exception of final exams, however, I have not felt right since I discontinued my daily (ab)use. Currently, I am in my third week of bar prep. At the end of my second week of bar prep I started taking adderall again because I was falling behind and didn't feel like I was retaining the information I was jamming into my brain. However, now that I am back on adderall this shit doesn't even seem to help. All adderall does now is make me anxious and makes me want to smoke and drink. Before I got back on adderall I had an extremely healthy diet and was working out everyday. Now I can barely eat, am smoking a pack a day, and am drinking too much wine. At this point I feel like I am going to fail this exam whether I take adderall or not. Deep down I know I shouldn't be taking this shit, if I'm going to fail I might as well maintain my health and sanity. I feel as if adderall robbed me of my soul - I am not able to make conscious contact with God while I am not this devil of a drug. Right now I just feel like crying because I have no idea what I'm gonna do w/ my life as I am clearly in no condition to be a lawyer. I want to thank everyone who contributes to this forum because right now I don't really have anyone else w/ whom I can discuss this with.
  3. Nootropics in Mexico?

    I take Wellbutrin, a multi-vitamin that is heavy on the b vitamins, magnesium, fish oil, l-tyrosine, lion's mane and turmeric. However, all of this can be bought in the states.
  4. Finally Finding Strength

    Hey @SamJo, you will get through this but first you have to believe you will get through it. I went through the same thing as you where I was constantly worrying that I permanently damaged my brain. Doing this produces nothing but negative thoughts, anxiety and depression. Instead, you have to fight these thoughts and focus on taking proactive steps to get better. Try to take steps towards a healthier diet, make it a habit to exercise, pick up a hobby - anything is better than dwelling on the negative. Once you start to fill your day with positivity you will be amazed at the positive results.
  5. Negative

    Adderall definitely made me a more negative person. I think one of the most important steps on the road to recovery is to make a conscious effort to stay positive. You can't expect positive outcomes if you are constantly feeding yourself negative thoughts.
  6. Probably could have died

    @EricP It is hard for me to determine how much of my improvement is tied to Wellbutrin because around the same time I started taking it I also got pretty fanatical about diet and exercise. With that being said, I felt a perceived benefit at around the 2 week mark and it stopped my craving for nicotine within a few days (I am a lifelong smoker).
  7. Probably could have died

    Hey @Bobcostas281, can definitely relate to what your going through. I'm in my last year of law school and recently had a bout of amphetamine psychosis during a 2-week binge. I'm only a few months off the amps but I have found that wellbutrin, vitamins (especially b vitamins), and a healthy diet w/o processed foods have helped immensely with energy and brain fog. I will keep you in my prayers.
  8. Peace out of Suffering

    "But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction." - Jb 36:15 Now that's a beauty.
  9. Is Happiness Just a Word?

    @EricP thanks for the reply. It is good to hear from someone who is in a similar situation. I can definitely identify w/ the idiocy of doctors when it comes to Adderall. Sometimes I get the feeling that there is also a little willful blindness mixed in. Glad to hear you are starting to feel better. Your post gives me a spark of hope. I will keep posting and will fight to stay positive. Keep soldiering on brothers and sisters.
  10. Is Happiness Just a Word?

    Thanks for the reply @quit-once, that is a good way to look at it. I find that I do better when I look at quitting as an adventure, if it went perfect there would be nothing to overcome and it wouldn't be an adventure.
  11. Is Happiness Just a Word?

    I was on Adderall IR for a year. My psych doc wrote me a script during my second year of law school despite the fact that neither him nor I believed that I had ADD/ADHD. I started out with 20/20 mg pills per month. As I developed a tolerance I eventually got up to 45/20 mg pills per month. My reasons for quitting include: rapid heartbeat, high blood pressure, lack of sleep, social withdrawal, severe weight loss, social awkwardness, paranoia, etc. I have currently been off Adderall for 2.5 months and it has been a rollercoaster. I have experienced depression, anxiety, fatigue, and inability to concentrate. While I've found that exercise and a healthy diet help, most of the time I still feel like a madman. In a week I have to take law school exams without the aid of prescription stimulants and I am afraid that I will not be able to cut it. In conclusion, I believe that I have done damage to my dopamine receptors that may never fully heal. It amazes me that Adderall has wreaked so much havoc in my life in such a short time and at a relatively low dose. It saddens me that these drugs are given to kids. Thanks to all of you out there that contribute to this amazing online resource. I will keep my fellow Adderall Withdrawal Warriors in my prayers.