LiberatedMind

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About LiberatedMind

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  1. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    What book? Is it the 12 rules one? I read that one. Which part are you referring to? And wow congrats on being clean for such an extended period of time!!!!! That is amazing!!
  2. I relapsed one month ago, after stopping for 7 months. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I did it anyways, because everything was boring. I gave in to my cravings. And now things are much worse. I am in a lot of pain and now I hate myself. Literally. And I know the answer, but I feel like I am stuck. I am also getting fat on Adderall. My body is losing tone, losing muscle. Getting flabby. No surprise there. Without Adderall, I have a strict diet and exercise regimen, that I adhere to 95% of the time. Alcohol is a rarity. Fitness IS my obsession!!!!! Now not only am I skipping out on the gym, my diet has gone to shit, I drink alcohol much more often as well. I spend money on shit that doesn't matter, and I waste time. A lot of time. My time is being wasted on Adderall. And it is DESTROYING my goals that I have worked so hard on for the last 7 months!!!! FUCK THIS!!!! Now here is the thing, I KNOW THE ANSWER is throw this shit away, and never look back. Don't even consider it a possibility. But I have the pills, and there is something that is stopping me from flushing them down the toilet. I am hesitant because I am scared. Because they do some things for me. They give me benefit in the "here and now" in exchange for completely destroying my future. I am 30 years old. If I continue living like this, I will be like this at 40. Why would anything change? What about my dreams? I have dreams I want to achieve. And most of these dreams I have to work very hard on with absolutely no positive returns for a while (e.g. getting in shape, acting I very much like acting it makes me feel so healed inside even though it is scary). I am afraid of cravings, I am afraid of regretting my decision. But I am afraid of losing my dreams. I am in hell right now. Even without Adderall, I find it difficult to stick to things. One thing I hate about myself. I avoid pain, and I avoid things that "I just don't feel like doing". That's why I constantly give up the moment my momentary motivation decreases, as it always invariably will. No one stays motivated 24/7. Discipline is where it's at. But Adderall, that EVIL PIECE OF SHIT DRUG makes pain MORE painful, makes me weaker as a person and destroys my inner being. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, focusing on everything I lost. My past girlfriends, my personal goals, my life. I wake up and feel wasted. I go pee then go back to bed, looking at my messy room, my flabby body, and my wasted life. I WANT ADDERALL OUT OF MY LIFE!!!! But I don't want to experience the pain of quitting or the regret of throwing it away when craving it. I want to enjoy things. And Adderall helps me enjoy things, the only price I pay for that is that I HATE MYSELF!! I also need to learn to stick to things. I can make that a personal goal. I took upon myself to learn a specific course, health related. 18 chapters long, stopped at chapter 8. Soon thereafter started Adderall again. Will things ever change? Or am I constantly going to and from the same exact repeating patterns of behavior and loops that I always experienced? HOW DO YOU BREAK THE CODE?!!!!! THIS STUFF IS BAD!!!!! MAYBE I JUST HATE MYSELF REGARDLESS I DON'T KNOW. I am confused right now. I also only slept two hours last night. I want to eat and rest and sleep. I need to heal.
  3. It makes my moments easier, but my life harder. This is by far the most important realization I made about Adderall. My everyday chores/experiences may be "enhanced" or "easier" with Adderall taking care of them for me, but the quality of my life drastically decreases as a whole. This observation plagues me, because I know it is true. And I relapsed, even after I realized this observation. Quitting Adderall, as hard of a decision as it may be, is nowhere near as hard as STAYING off of Adderall. Quitting while experiencing the pain of the hell that Adderall puts you through is easy, relatively speaking. Any change you make in your life is easy once the pain of staying the same overpowers the pain of the change in question. Yeah it is scary and the fearful thought of "how will I function without it" is kind of drowned out by the pain of your experience on it once you have had enough of destroying yourself. Once that pain disappears into the background however, getting farther and farther away many months later, it becomes more of a distant memory that doesn't seem half as bad once life returns back to normal again, and when normal everyday shit is boring. Especially when you realize that you simply don't enjoy things like you used to, THIS is the danger zone!!!!!! And it could happen fucking 7 months later after you've been 100% clean no problem!!! It is not enough to simply quit. There has to be some long and/or short term aspirations/goals/dreams that DIRECTLY benefit from not taking Adderall! I find that just focusing on quitting with nothing else added in the picture to take your mind off of Adderall (or even better, to make you feel thankful you are not on it), makes quitting much harder. For me at the present time this is about getting more into shape. Off of Adderall, my physical conditioning is insane. I could spend 45 minutes weightlifting and right after that incorporate 45 minutes HIIT. On Adderall, even if one or two days after taking it, I am thankful if I can even make it 30 minutes total before I am winded! I am trying to find other activities as well. Not just the gym. Ultimately, my goal is to not even think about Adderall, due to the fact that there are way too many important things I am working on that Adderall will directly damage. Imagine not even thinking about it. You know, like someone who has never taken it? How awesome would that be!!!! If you made the decision to quit permanently, but haven't gotten rid of your pills, then you haven't made the decision to quit. I am guilty of this myself. And my biggest reason for not throwing them away is "what if there is just one time that I REALLY need them? How about I'll ONLY do it that one time, and ONLY if I truly really need to?".... Yeeeaaaaahhhhhh right. Welcome to self-deception. Nobody can scam you as good as you can scam yourself. The ship cannot sail unless you untie the rope from port. Flush them down the fucking toilet. You are addicted for life, even if you never pop an Adderall again. This one may sound extreme, but this is the way I truly feel about Adderall. After 7 months of being clean, while admittedly not a super long time being clean, it IS substantial given that it was cold turkey after obsessive extended daily use - I very quickly (within a week) fell into the EXACT same patterns of use and behavior as I did when I was at my lowest point with Adderall. Like no issues whatsoever getting right back into the swing of things. Feelings often follow action, not the other way around. This came from my experience in sales, where newbies would only attempt to make sales once they feel confident and happy and when the "right moment" comes around. Of course, all the hesitance just increased their anxieties (and my own when I would do this). Jumping into action will follow by the appropriate feelings. Just take the first step. This realization is more of a general realization and kind of experimental because most of the time after I quit I felt lethargic a lot. And I am sure that in the beginning it was real, but how long can it possibly last? I am starting to think because I became accustomed to not pushing myself DESPITE not "feeling like it", I was in a constant state of lethargy and I blamed it on quitting Adderall, even though it had nothing to do with Adderall at a certain point. I am starting to think I should just push myself to go out even if I am tired, and while being out my mood and energy levels will pick up. Does anyone here share my observations, or is this all purely my own subjective experience?
  4. Adderall Recovery Guide

    Your doctor prescribed it for you?
  5. Adderall Recovery Guide

    What vitamins and supplements helped you in the early recovery? What dosage, how often, and for how long? And how did it help?
  6. Will it really take a few years? I do not like this, not one bit.
  7. I am starting to hate myself. Nobody I know in my life can truly understand me as it stands now. How do you develop real life therapeutic relationships? Maybe that can help? I have no money for therapists.
  8. I found my trigger. I feel like my life is bland, and empty. Not exciting. Nothing is happening. Things are un-enjoyable, I am bored. Daily grind, everything is boring. Even dates feel stupid to me. Sex is boring. Don't really feel like doing anything. I am feeling lazy in general, my focus on little projects I set for myself has gone all over the place. This is exactly the reason I decided to quit. Because I wanted to live life and enjoy things, and I felt Adderall was taking that option away from me. And here I am 7 months later, feeling the same. I am not very objective right now though, because I am looking at my life through the lens of "You are bored! Want to make things exciting and fun? Take Adderall!".. Maybe this is just who I am, and the person whom I default to and I just placed the blame on Adderall? My mind is not very balanced at the moment. I am constantly searching for justifications to obtain it. I also do not like dealing with certain aspects of myself, and Adderall is an escape for me. I admit this. I try to be as honest with myself as possible, even when I am making bad decisions. I do have some relief expressing my frustration and challenges here, and I appreciate all your support. I really do. I am not trying to ride a pity train here, I just need an outlet to express myself. And I know myself well enough that when I reach this stage of contemplation (i.e. "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no" to getting Adderall) eventually it just turns into a hard yes. I know this because it happened probably well over 25 times already. The only way to not do it is not to think about it, that's how I quit cigarettes. Something is different about Adderall addiciton though. Cigarettes were literally a "habit addiction", I only smoked them because I was used to smoking them. I get zero cravings for them anymore, I hate cigarettes now (I smoked 10 years, and quit 5 years ago). Adderall seems to touch upon my inner self, something much deeper, I almost feel like I cannot connect to certain parts of myself without it. It does give me some relief to express myself here. I hope to be as strong as everyone else here, I am not feeling very strong at the moment.
  9. Last time I had Adderall was in July 2018, didn't even touch it once since then. Over the last two weeks, I cannot rid myself of the cravings to take it. And today, I know that if it were in front of me right now, I would take it without a doubt. I am contemplating getting it. I am freaking out here, because I know I shouldn't. What the hell are these sudden cravings? What's going on?!
  10. Two Years!

    This has got to be one of my favorite posts on this site. I absolutely love the fact that you not only succeeded, but succeeded so well! You pulled through, you are a winner! I am going to bookmark this page so I can visit it when things get challenging, thank you for sharing.
  11. For the record, I officially stopped on July 16th but then on July 23rd I found half a pill in my pocket and I knew I had to dispose of it so I took it. Lol I know that sounds retarded, but that's what happened. That was the last time I took it though, so... very nice! Progress!! :))) This quote I found on reddit REALLY helped me keep it going: "Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST!" (personally I'd replace the word "discipline" with "self-actualization") I feel saddened by the reality in which I am in but I also feel happier that I can ACTUALLY change it!!! So many damn things I want to improve about my life that I pushed off forever, and I tend to limit myself, and when I take adderall I even moreso distract myself from what's important. I become the animal, not the person. I totally ruined certain relationships in the past by being a selfish bastard, adderall makes me heartless and sociopathic. Now I have the opposite problem, I am emotional and over-empathetic ugh. In the short term, that heartless sociopath was more confident. But in the long term he is left alone, by himself unsatisfied. Not worth it. I have found that I am thinking long term every day now, I am thinking about long term all fucking day in such an obsessive fashion. I got no problem with pushing off immediate pleasures, but now I often feel like I cannot relax. I just have to push myself harder, faster, stronger, more. That's better than wasting away, I feel. It's good for the gym. I am FEELING much stronger emotions, they are so strong and vivid. I feel often (almost daily, usually in the evening) very negatively affected by melancholy and nostalgia, and that tortures me, but I also use the strong emotions, especially in interval training when I listen to my music. They push me to continue when things are uncomfortable. One of my biggest dreams is to travel on my own dime, and see all these cool places but that is kinda hard to do when you got nothing saved up and are in debt, like me. So I became super frugal, finding ways to make my existing resources (money, food, etc) last as long as possible. And yes, this is SUPER inconvenient and a major headache doing a million calculations and price comparisons and cooking everything myself, but I AM SUCCEEDING!! Groceries are my biggest expense by far (some months even surpassing rent and I live by myself, no joke) and I am (after a ton of mental elbow grease) getting it all under control. I will be happy to impart some pointers or resources if anyone is interested in improving that aspect of their lives..... I have a recommendation that I think every single forum member here will benefit from. Please listen to this podcast episode: https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/podcast-429-taking-control-of-the-brain-chemical-that-drives-excitement-motivation-and-more/ It REALLY clarifies our whole relationship with dopamine, and the two different types: desire dopamine (simple, immediate) VS control dopamine (complex, long term). Please please please listen to that podcast episode, it helped me and I think it will help you too. And yes, the website is called "Art of Manliness" as it is in general a site more geared towards men, but that specific podcast episode is for everyone!! Especially everyone on this forum!! I am still facing challenges with quitting, I still go back to it in my mind but one thing I found that really helps me is not to think about adderall at all, as if it doesn't exist. I am here now thinking about it as I am writing this and it gets harder for me. I like focusing on goals and achieving them. That is more inspiring to myself than dwelling about adderall and what it did to me. I need to be aware obviously of everything, but why give that monster any place in my brain????? I evicted him in July, fuck him. I am more interested in living. I'll go outside and take pictures of flowers for all I fucking care instead, he doesn't get any luxury space by me!!!! OH! And I hit a milestone!!! So one of my BIGGEST problems with quitting was pleasure from sex. Without adderall, sex would feel bland and stupid and a waste of time. I had an incredible sexual experience recently, and although I do admit I drank some alcohol to get me in the mood I really enjoyed the experience a lot, something that I did not expect. This gives me hope. This is so important to me.
  12. WE ARE ON DAY 3!!

    Thank you sir. I really sincerely hope it's the Adderall, I need as many tangible reasons as possible to stay off it. I have some family members who are bald but they lost their hair loooong ago and at a much younger age than what I am at now (almost 30, fuck I can't believe it time to start getting my life in order). One lost his hair at 16 and the other was like at age 21. My lack of sleep and super itchy scalp caused by Adderall probably contributes to the expedited process. I like tangible reasons. When I quit smoking cigarettes, my lungs cleared out super fast and I gradually felt much much better - that was very tangible. It's been 5 years since I quit after almost a decade of smoking. So it can be done. Yes, I intend to stay close to this site. I have been a lurker for about a year before I started engaging with the forum. I am not pushing myself too hard I don't think? I am a bit of an all or nothing type of personality, which is good when it's good but bad when it's bad you know what I mean lol? Either not using at all or on a neverending binge. At least that's how it's been in the recent bunch of months.... I just want to live life, not just be physically alive. There is so much I feel I am missing out on if I continue. This shit retards my progress and personality. It's not even worth it anymore, I basically trade 1 "good" day for 3 days of hell, terrible tradeoff. And the stuff I read on this site what a lot of members go through here, really frightens me. I feel so bad for some of the personal hells people are going through or have gone through here. I want to focus on all the good stuff and benefits of not having it in my life, that's how I did cigarettes. That was what finally worked.
  13. WE ARE ON DAY 3!!

    As I am on my 3rd day completely clean (last day I took was Monday 7/16) I've had some pretty vivid dreams the last two nights. As it always happens whenever I stop cold turkey after constantly not sleeping more than a few hours a night. I dreamt that someone lent me his Rolls Royce haha, I forgot the reason why but I totally had it for the duration of the dream. It was so awesome. I really want to lucid dream, I haven't had one in many many years. The first step is to have a sound sleep, and oh my I have been SLEEPING well the last two nights. Overeating as well, but whatever it's only 2 or 3 days haha. I wake up so refreshed, but then I am tired a few hours later and am a zombie until the night. Like the walking dead, but I am becoming reanimated slowly!! I feel the pain of the first few days of withdrawal now, and now it sooooo "obvious" that I will never touch this garbage again, but it was "obvious" to me a thousand other times in the past as well. Man, I am like my own worst enemy here lol, manipulate myself into all sorts of conclusions and actions. Maybe I could manipulate myself into not taking it ever. It's all gone now anyways.... YAY!!!! I have noticed by the way that my hair thins out real fast and my hair recedes rapidly whenever I take Adderall many times in a row. Does this happen to anyone else? I am male. So yeah probably MPB which bugs me, but it seems to happen so rapidly on Adderall. Googling this topic just gives me a bunch generic info that could or could not apply to me, so annoying. Please share if you share this experience. Imagine if like I can start living life and gain real pleasure from like taking pictures of nature, and going to wine tastings, and learning how to cook fucking good food, and working hard to save up to go traveling to exotic locations in nature with someone special. And lucid dreaming during the night, so I am never really asleep but my brain gets what it needs. Feed life, live life!! I also took someone toxic out of my life, someone that Adderall pushed me to pursue often and with great effort... BUT someone who is not for me, someone who is a castle in the sky. Chasing fake dreams with her. An illusion. OH!! And I got an interview soon for a job that will take me out of the house. Give me chance to change my environment, that helped me a ton last time. And gotta get back into working out, I basically missed this ENTIRE WEEK at the gym because my sleep was all fucked up and diet was off. I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  14. TWO YEARS :)

    How did you deal with the first year?
  15. I have reached a new level of addiction

    I feel that I am at stage 5 with some characteristics of stage 6. But it is not always negative effects. I have found that I am able to quit 4-5 days with only minor difficulty if I have something to look forward to on the 5th/6th day (like an expected enhanced sexual experience - which is a core reason I take Adderall). Also even on days where I am craving it, I am able to not take it if I have some social responsibility in which taking it would cause harm to the task. So am I at stage 5? I am not sure. I am able to control it somewhat, but on day 3 or 4 it starts getting really difficult again for me. I don't really know. What does it seem to you? Okay, how did you disconnect the sex from Adderall? I'd love some pointers, because it often feels that I barely enjoy sex without it. I am open to any advice you can give me here.