LiberatedMind

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About LiberatedMind

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  1. Two Years!

    This has got to be one of my favorite posts on this site. I absolutely love the fact that you not only succeeded, but succeeded so well! You pulled through, you are a winner! I am going to bookmark this page so I can visit it when things get challenging, thank you for sharing.
  2. For the record, I officially stopped on July 16th but then on July 23rd I found half a pill in my pocket and I knew I had to dispose of it so I took it. Lol I know that sounds retarded, but that's what happened. That was the last time I took it though, so... very nice! Progress!! :))) This quote I found on reddit REALLY helped me keep it going: "Discipline is choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST!" (personally I'd replace the word "discipline" with "self-actualization") I feel saddened by the reality in which I am in but I also feel happier that I can ACTUALLY change it!!! So many damn things I want to improve about my life that I pushed off forever, and I tend to limit myself, and when I take adderall I even moreso distract myself from what's important. I become the animal, not the person. I totally ruined certain relationships in the past by being a selfish bastard, adderall makes me heartless and sociopathic. Now I have the opposite problem, I am emotional and over-empathetic ugh. In the short term, that heartless sociopath was more confident. But in the long term he is left alone, by himself unsatisfied. Not worth it. I have found that I am thinking long term every day now, I am thinking about long term all fucking day in such an obsessive fashion. I got no problem with pushing off immediate pleasures, but now I often feel like I cannot relax. I just have to push myself harder, faster, stronger, more. That's better than wasting away, I feel. It's good for the gym. I am FEELING much stronger emotions, they are so strong and vivid. I feel often (almost daily, usually in the evening) very negatively affected by melancholy and nostalgia, and that tortures me, but I also use the strong emotions, especially in interval training when I listen to my music. They push me to continue when things are uncomfortable. One of my biggest dreams is to travel on my own dime, and see all these cool places but that is kinda hard to do when you got nothing saved up and are in debt, like me. So I became super frugal, finding ways to make my existing resources (money, food, etc) last as long as possible. And yes, this is SUPER inconvenient and a major headache doing a million calculations and price comparisons and cooking everything myself, but I AM SUCCEEDING!! Groceries are my biggest expense by far (some months even surpassing rent and I live by myself, no joke) and I am (after a ton of mental elbow grease) getting it all under control. I will be happy to impart some pointers or resources if anyone is interested in improving that aspect of their lives..... I have a recommendation that I think every single forum member here will benefit from. Please listen to this podcast episode: https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/podcast-429-taking-control-of-the-brain-chemical-that-drives-excitement-motivation-and-more/ It REALLY clarifies our whole relationship with dopamine, and the two different types: desire dopamine (simple, immediate) VS control dopamine (complex, long term). Please please please listen to that podcast episode, it helped me and I think it will help you too. And yes, the website is called "Art of Manliness" as it is in general a site more geared towards men, but that specific podcast episode is for everyone!! Especially everyone on this forum!! I am still facing challenges with quitting, I still go back to it in my mind but one thing I found that really helps me is not to think about adderall at all, as if it doesn't exist. I am here now thinking about it as I am writing this and it gets harder for me. I like focusing on goals and achieving them. That is more inspiring to myself than dwelling about adderall and what it did to me. I need to be aware obviously of everything, but why give that monster any place in my brain????? I evicted him in July, fuck him. I am more interested in living. I'll go outside and take pictures of flowers for all I fucking care instead, he doesn't get any luxury space by me!!!! OH! And I hit a milestone!!! So one of my BIGGEST problems with quitting was pleasure from sex. Without adderall, sex would feel bland and stupid and a waste of time. I had an incredible sexual experience recently, and although I do admit I drank some alcohol to get me in the mood I really enjoyed the experience a lot, something that I did not expect. This gives me hope. This is so important to me.
  3. WE ARE ON DAY 3!!

    Thank you sir. I really sincerely hope it's the Adderall, I need as many tangible reasons as possible to stay off it. I have some family members who are bald but they lost their hair loooong ago and at a much younger age than what I am at now (almost 30, fuck I can't believe it time to start getting my life in order). One lost his hair at 16 and the other was like at age 21. My lack of sleep and super itchy scalp caused by Adderall probably contributes to the expedited process. I like tangible reasons. When I quit smoking cigarettes, my lungs cleared out super fast and I gradually felt much much better - that was very tangible. It's been 5 years since I quit after almost a decade of smoking. So it can be done. Yes, I intend to stay close to this site. I have been a lurker for about a year before I started engaging with the forum. I am not pushing myself too hard I don't think? I am a bit of an all or nothing type of personality, which is good when it's good but bad when it's bad you know what I mean lol? Either not using at all or on a neverending binge. At least that's how it's been in the recent bunch of months.... I just want to live life, not just be physically alive. There is so much I feel I am missing out on if I continue. This shit retards my progress and personality. It's not even worth it anymore, I basically trade 1 "good" day for 3 days of hell, terrible tradeoff. And the stuff I read on this site what a lot of members go through here, really frightens me. I feel so bad for some of the personal hells people are going through or have gone through here. I want to focus on all the good stuff and benefits of not having it in my life, that's how I did cigarettes. That was what finally worked.
  4. WE ARE ON DAY 3!!

    As I am on my 3rd day completely clean (last day I took was Monday 7/16) I've had some pretty vivid dreams the last two nights. As it always happens whenever I stop cold turkey after constantly not sleeping more than a few hours a night. I dreamt that someone lent me his Rolls Royce haha, I forgot the reason why but I totally had it for the duration of the dream. It was so awesome. I really want to lucid dream, I haven't had one in many many years. The first step is to have a sound sleep, and oh my I have been SLEEPING well the last two nights. Overeating as well, but whatever it's only 2 or 3 days haha. I wake up so refreshed, but then I am tired a few hours later and am a zombie until the night. Like the walking dead, but I am becoming reanimated slowly!! I feel the pain of the first few days of withdrawal now, and now it sooooo "obvious" that I will never touch this garbage again, but it was "obvious" to me a thousand other times in the past as well. Man, I am like my own worst enemy here lol, manipulate myself into all sorts of conclusions and actions. Maybe I could manipulate myself into not taking it ever. It's all gone now anyways.... YAY!!!! I have noticed by the way that my hair thins out real fast and my hair recedes rapidly whenever I take Adderall many times in a row. Does this happen to anyone else? I am male. So yeah probably MPB which bugs me, but it seems to happen so rapidly on Adderall. Googling this topic just gives me a bunch generic info that could or could not apply to me, so annoying. Please share if you share this experience. Imagine if like I can start living life and gain real pleasure from like taking pictures of nature, and going to wine tastings, and learning how to cook fucking good food, and working hard to save up to go traveling to exotic locations in nature with someone special. And lucid dreaming during the night, so I am never really asleep but my brain gets what it needs. Feed life, live life!! I also took someone toxic out of my life, someone that Adderall pushed me to pursue often and with great effort... BUT someone who is not for me, someone who is a castle in the sky. Chasing fake dreams with her. An illusion. OH!! And I got an interview soon for a job that will take me out of the house. Give me chance to change my environment, that helped me a ton last time. And gotta get back into working out, I basically missed this ENTIRE WEEK at the gym because my sleep was all fucked up and diet was off. I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  5. TWO YEARS :)

    How did you deal with the first year?
  6. I have reached a new level of addiction

    I feel that I am at stage 5 with some characteristics of stage 6. But it is not always negative effects. I have found that I am able to quit 4-5 days with only minor difficulty if I have something to look forward to on the 5th/6th day (like an expected enhanced sexual experience - which is a core reason I take Adderall). Also even on days where I am craving it, I am able to not take it if I have some social responsibility in which taking it would cause harm to the task. So am I at stage 5? I am not sure. I am able to control it somewhat, but on day 3 or 4 it starts getting really difficult again for me. I don't really know. What does it seem to you? Okay, how did you disconnect the sex from Adderall? I'd love some pointers, because it often feels that I barely enjoy sex without it. I am open to any advice you can give me here.
  7. I have reached a new level of addiction

    Are you suggesting I go to rehab? What do they do in rehab? Any free options? How does it help exactly?
  8. I take it even when I don't want to. I wake up thinking about it. And yes, it is because I fell again and am using it. I keep on doing the same things. I want to be in full control of it. Like you know, to just take it when I decide to every once in a while, not out of habit or whatever. But so far, 100% of my attempts to do that over the past 5 years have been largely unsuccessful. I find that the less often I take it, the more I enjoy it -- buuuut the more I enjoy it the more often I want to take it, and my actions follow suit. Ugh. One thing that helps me is changing my environment and getting out of the house. I live by myself and I work from home on the computer. I recently had a side job for about 6 months as a brand ambassador a few shifts per week, which is an awesome job I loved it, it filled me with energy, and even when I didn't completely quit during that entire period, I did take it a lot less because I like being 100% naturally sober when doing jobs that require social interaction (although did take Sudafed every so often as a "crutch", but never Adderall). And BA work also pays relatively well per hour. That job ended about 1 month ago (wasn't fired and didn't quit, they just ceased the program - I left on good terms), and ever since then I am right back into it. Much deeper. In the past week, I didn't even go to the gym because I plan out my morning so it will be the "perfect" setting for me to take it, and if I spend time at the gym it takes away from the time from eating and preparing the perfect setting. I'll be honest, it's not even the addiction itself that bothers me. It is what the addiction takes away from me that bothers me. It chips away at my vitality, at my inner fire. Makes me a zombie like being, robotic and impulsive. Makes me less interested in life, and I feel an inner "me" crying to be released from this prison, this hell. But then there is the superficial me, the animal me, the shallow me, the sexual me - that LOVES it!!!! I want to satisfy those parts of me too, but without the inner me and my mind and life being chipped away at. But without Adderall, those parts feel animalistic parts and urges and drives feel bland, my head doesn't reach the clouds the same way, to get to that erotic level of pleasure. I think I may be addicted to sex too. I am not sure. Definitely place a lot of emphasis on it, and it is a large part of my decision making process when it comes to the question "to take or not to take?".... I am fairly certain that I know the answer, and that is to quit and never look back, no exceptions - not once, not ever. But that frightens me, I don't feel at this very moment that I can permanently burn bridges with the possibility of doing it once in a blue moon, I feel like I need the freedom to make the choice on my own. Even if I cut ties with my current doctor etc (as the site suggests), I know myself, I'll just find a new doctor - it wouldn't change the end result should I decide to use again. I am not really sure where I am going with this now, but I already applied to some side jobs in the same type of side jobs I did before, that's one step to pulling myself out of this. I have some major goals for myself, and this bullshit is interfering. I am searching for some middle ground here, some way I can have my cake and eat it too, but the choice here is starting to seem very binary to me, which is a reality I am not too happy with, but it seems that maybe it's either all or nothing? Has anyone been in my position? What conclusions have you personally reached? What did you do?
  9. I noticed this too. I don't currently write academic papers, but I do a lot of email correspondence and when I take Adderall a lot I make stupid mistakes like writing "and and" or missing minor words like "no". It would happen a lot!! Same thing with verbal, I would find that I would have difficulty placing the right words together and expressing myself which makes me feel completely retarded because I know I can, but I can't seem to do it. One other thing I noticed, and this part really scares me - I tend to drop things, a lot. And when I take Adderall often, it happens so much more than when I don't. And it's annoying as fuck. It's mostly light things, like keys or my phone etc.
  10. We seem to focus a lot on the painful cessation process, and we discuss about how long the pain lasts, how long it takes to decrease etc... But my primary question here is from another angle relating to what gets way better that can simply not get better if Adderall is involved? I find that sometimes focusing on the benefits makes the process a lot more bearable and even enjoyable! Here are some positives I experience: 1) Everything is much quieter, no more constant mental chatter. There is a balanced general feeling that eventually feels very peaceful. 2) I am able to choose how to react to my fluctuating states of mind, whether I am happy, sad, energetic, lazy etc etc. I am not a slave to my current state. Me, the inside me, the real me, can choose. I may be tired in the evening, but if I have something that I should (or want) to be doing, I can do it despite the fact that I don't feel like doing it. This in turn helps me be able to navigate and direct my own states of mind. I have actual control over my mind and my decisions!!! 3) SLEEP!!! Sleep is so much more refreshing and good and amazing!!!! 4) My concentration ability gets deeper. Instead of just expanding my breadth at the expense of my depth, I have REAL depth. I can focus and concentrate on minute details and mentally expand on them. 5) My ability to just continue doing any activity until completion increases. I can just continue with no crash, so continuing while necessary to continue is very feasible and attainable and doable. Those are a few of the things that get better within just a couple of weeks from the moment I stop taking Adderall. Those are the most noticeable for me. If any one else would want to share what gets better for them as a direct result from quitting, I would absolutely love to read that. Love you all, have a great super wonderful balanced day.
  11. Feeling good and very lucky.

    How long have you been free?
  12. I fell again, hard. This invisible demon is torturing me.

    I never thought of that. It is really scary how true this statement is.
  13. I fell again, hard. This invisible demon is torturing me.

    THIS!!!!! So much this!!!! I definitely most strongly experience my personal deficiencies head on when going through withdrawal, and general fears pile up on top of each other - not to mention I become a lot more emotional and sensitive as a person (which is a double edged sword because I feel very vulnerable and easily hurt). A few years ago, I've quit cigarettes after 10 years of smoking, and that addiction was super challenging to kick, but it was a very different type of addiction. That addiction was literally a stupid crutch I got used to and associated with everything I did and experienced (literally everything). It had no effect on my internal motivation or willpower, it was simply a matter of a decision. It was not easy in any sense though, I will tell you that. But Adderall oh boy, I feel like it basically replaces my base vitality and inner drive (or more like "holds it ransom"). It is so much more powerful than nicotine, it is almost as if I feel like it is changing who I am. Like yeah I understand that initially I will feel demotivated but how do I get back my inner fire??? Every time I've quit, I do not remember whether or not I experienced inner fire, I felt inner torment though so that is a type of fire. And ironically, because it is a drug that is so controlled and restricted, I feel a greater need to have it around "just in case". I can't just run to the store and pick up Adderall, And there ARE two scenarios where I do 100% justify its use: 1) No sleep or poor sleep - and I must get a ton of important work done today, it is urgent and important and cannot wait until tomorrow. (happens maybe 3 times a year) 2) Safety - I've gotta drive throughout the night for whatever reason and coffee just won't cut it. (could happen in regional evacuation scenarios) Problem is, I know me. Those two scenarios for just in case is what makes me feel not guilty having a full bottle of the stuff near me. Someone told me once that the "most dangerous drug" is the drug you love. How did this end? Did Adderall push you through it all? Music is amazing, I love music.
  14. How do you fix the life Adderall broke?

    How long have you been sober and clean now? Is everything back to normal?
  15. I fell again, hard. This invisible demon is torturing me.

    Yes, I am choosing it. But (and this is sort of a philosophical question) I keep on wondering why I tend to always choose the same things, at least thus far. I am not making a claim that I have no free will or control, I am simply expressing my disheartened meta observance on my own patterns of behavior that they repeat themselves in an almost identical fashion over and over and over, year after year - like for example I quit completely and then go back almost in the same fashion every time, then I take it like crazy every time until I am so sick of myself doing it and then quit again, on repeat for the last 3 years. So yes, I definitely AM choosing in the moment - but I question whether or not I am really choosing or something else (and idk what "that" might be) is choosing for me. I am basically experiencing feelings of doubt, not concrete defeat and I have definitely not given up. But these doubts about myself in general are very disturbing to me, because it feels like this will go on forever like 3 months on 3 months off (or whatever but the patterns repeat). And I feel horrible expressing this, especially on this forum because no doubt others are experiencing the same or much worse and I have no intention of causing doubt in others. This is related to myself personally, and I hope my doubts are completely wrong. I just feel a bit controlled by something that is not exactly "me", and that is terrifying.