Mark S

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About Mark S

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  1. 6 months

    You been so blessed to have recovered so quickly. I’m 15 months clean and feel 90 percent healed. Great to hear . This is also a morale booster for others
  2. I can't believe it's me...

    I’m also a nurse who got addicted to adderall. I loved it at first. It was the perfect work drug . Made my 12 hour shift seem like 6. Worked a lot of OT too. But what goes up must come down. 2nd year in increasing dosage to get same affects. 3rd year developed chronic anxiety, became socially isolated , personality changes. Would run out of my prescription by 2nd week. Started experimenting with meth rationalizing it’s similar to adderall . My 4 th year I was basically in psychosis. Chronic anxiety. Panic attacks to where I had to leave the clinical floor. I quit a couple times the first month but eventually stopped for good. Unfortunately my symptoms continued. I quit my job for 6 months. It was a slow recovery. Lots of anxiety and depression.Over time I felt better. Got rehired 8 months after I quit taking adderall . I’m 15 months clean and I feel like I’m about 90 percent better. I think I’ll be 100 percent at the 2 year mark . Looking back the decision to quit really wasn’t mine. I was such a train wreck and on the verge of collapse my body said no more. I would take 100 to 140 mg a day and feel hardly anything. This has been a slow painful journey. I’ve said to my self a million times how could I have been so stupid. But on the other hand it was a great lesson on overcoming adversity. You are about to embark on a long great battle but when the dust clears you will become victorious.
  3. I’m now starting to feel comfortable around people. I’m starting to feel like the old me. It’s hard connecting with people when your anxious and depressed. I personally wanted to hide in my shell. I knew I could not hold conversations with people or work with people without anxiety. That’s why I waited 8 months before I started working again. The loneliness anxiety and depression we experience in recovery will make us stronger in the long run. Next year when I’m fully healthy and healed I am going to attack life with a vengeance. I’ll never forget this time in my life. I’m going to use it as rocket fuel. Be good to yourself. Your climbing from rock bottom. Very few people understand the suffering of rock bottom. You feel like a failure . But a lot of successful people are driven by failures. The meaning I give to all the anxiety loneliness depression I had to go through was to make me stronger in the long run. These are my demons. Fighting demons is making me better. In a twisted way it’s almost like I been given a gift. I have a feeling if I had not fallen and suffered I would have continued life in an unfocused way. I’ll never forget this time in my life. I feel like I’m becoming a warrior. Someone who crushes demons and attacks challenges. We are not defeated we are being built up
  4. 2nd week of July. First 4 months were awful. Made the most improvement this past month. I felt stuck in time too . I had to quit my job because of the panic attacks. I had a lot of alone time. Wife wasn’t happy. Kids knew something wasn’t right. A disappointment to my family and myself. Depression. Time moves slow. Lots of ruminating. Worrying about money, when can I go back to work, when will I get better, how could I be so stupid to do this to myself. If I was forced to give a number I would say I’m 70 to 80 percent . I still have issues but I’m functional. I’m encouraged with the trend now but not during the first stages. Stay the course. Time is the cure. It will get better. Take care of your body as best you can eventually your mind will catch up. Worry about losing your weight later. Food was about the only thing that gave me pleasure. I’m still 20 pounds heavier than last year but I’ve lost about 20 pounds the past 2 months. Keep blogging keep fighting
  5. I had 3 days in a row where I felt normal. I keep waiting for the wave to hit me but so far I’m good. I started working again last Monday which I regretted initially but it’s working out. Anxiety and depression are my closest companions and when there not here it’s kind of strange . Just wanted to say been reading your posts and not to become too discouraged. It’s a struggle to do anything at 3 months. Your main goal is to stay off the adderall. As time passes and your feeling better you’ll have the energy to loose weight. Hang in there it’ll get better
  6. New day, same results.

    For me personally when I drink coffee coke or energy drink the next day it feels like I’m withdrawing from adderal again. It exasperates my anxiety depression and anhedonia for a couple days. I just have an intolerance for any stimulant . I have never taken Wellbutrin but I suspect I would have an intolerance to this also because it’s a mild stimulant. Maybe you can try stopping all stimulants for a couple weeks and seeing how your mind/body reacts. I would also stop tobacco ,alcohol or any mood altering chemical and let your brain adjust and reset. Keep surching for the right solution. I know you know what taking adderall again would do to you. Maybe for you it’s going to take a little bit longer to recover
  7. I read all the posts and I’m not critical of anybody who wrights. If it’s helpful writing about it do it,that’s one of the purposes of the blog. And your helping others who are feeling the same way by sharing similar experiences.
  8. Also I became hooked on listening to Tony Robbins on you tube. There are a lot of self help coaches but I found him most inspirational and practical.
  9. Yes after the first 2,3 months I have made progress. I feel hopeful for the future. When you have hope you fight better. The opposite of hope whatever that word is , is what makes the beginning so hard. You just feel so defeated . Just keep doing what doing. Everyone recovers a little differently . What help me a lot was reading the threads multiple times. There is a progression . Someone at 3 months will have a different state of mind than someone at 6 months or 1 year or 2 years,etc Unfortunately you can’t speed up the process. If there was a short cut I’d tell you. I been looking. But reading the threads will help, there’s good advice in there from people at various stages of healing and from people who have recovered.
  10. Over at the Waffle House by myself eating breakfast trying to calm my nerves. Been reading this thread and so much of what I read reminds me of myself the first 3 months. Sometimes I felt like I was getting worse. I totally understand what you all are going through. The challenges we go through are almost unbearable. Almost. Never in my life did I think I would have to endure so much anxiety depression anhedonia shame embarrassment and regret. But I’m still here, fighting, moving forward. Well anyway slowly felling better at about 8 months out. So much so that I start my job again Monday that I quit 8 months ago. Now I’m second quessing myself cause the stress is making me nervous. I have a terrible internal monologue sometimes.But I know I’m too well now that I have to press forward. I have gratitude for everyone for sharing there feelings and fears. It makes me feel not alone and gives me strength. I admire your courage to overcome no matter what stage your at. We’re all going to be warriors when this is all done . Pray for me as I pray for you then someday will say we got through this together.
  11. You won’t have to wait years. I’m almost 8 months clean after heavy adderall abuse and occasional meth and other energy pills like caffeine tablets and stacker3s you get at the gas station. Since my 3rd month I’m feeling progressively better. Read all the forum posts to get a sense how things will unfold and get an idea of what your going to go through . It will give you hope. Stay strong your only 18 , you got your whole life ahead of you. Also you need to do 5 Hail Marys for dropping the f bomb
  12. Hi Clavicula. Welcome to the forums. I admirer your courage.It sounds like these next two weeks before your move are going to be critical. Stop the stimulants stop kratom and adderall. It doesn’t sound like your taking a lot of adderall if you don’t have a prescription and your taking your brothers. I would quit both at once. I’m sure they counteract the medication you take for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. But you know this because you said it yourself ,take my meds stop taking drugs. Deal with the depression, fatigue and any other withdrawal symptoms while your still at home were your supported by a healthcare system that knows you well . Tell your family your plans and be honest with them. You can’t have access to your brothers adderall. Fall back on your faith that Dr Jesus will be by you. Pray the rosary. And your guardian angel watch over you. I prayed when I withdrew and it helped a lot. The pain and suffering we all go through doesn’t seem fair but in a strange way it gives your life more meaning and builds strength to overcome adversity . Lastly is moving now something you need to do.Moving now while dealing with recent mental health issues, suicide idealization and withdraw symptoms seems too stressful to manage all at once. Get your psychosis and depression under control first so you have the confidence to move out successfully. Will pray for you that God gives you wisdom and strength
  13. God I experienced so many of these symptoms but to your last post jasonl2017 my dental problems were very similar to yours. I did not know teeth could become transparent. I do now. Receding gums. Dry mouth. Cavities. I now have partials . People who take meth have horrible dental problems. The medical slang name for it is meth mouth. It’s interesting how adderall affects our teeth in similar ways. Just further evidence how similar these two drugs are to one another.
  14. LiberatedMind. Your first paragraph discribes me perfectly right now. I’m almost 8 months adderall free. I’m slowly making progress with anxiety and depression. They seem to come in waves which come and go. The first 3 months were horrible. I won’t go through the details but I had to quit my job. Surprisingly I never really had anhedonia probably because I was so anxious and depressed. As I’m getting better this is now my most pronounced symptom. I’ve literally have not done anything all day except you tube. It took effort just to finish reading your post.I know logically what to do to combat this like exercise but this is such a crippling sensation. I know this is part of the healing process but I have completely underestimated how bad anhedonia can be. Fortunately I have a complete fear of adderall and the pain it’s cost me. That level of anxiety and depression I had is something I never want to experience again. I much rather be bored and lazy then relieve that nightmare.
  15. 3 years!!!

    My heart sank when I read this. Many of us had similar depressive thoughts.This isn’t you talking it’s the adderall. Perseverance. Make the decision to quit again. Sometimes people have to quit a few times . Minutes turn into hours, hours into days , days into weeks. Start building up that momentum. I believe in the power of prayer. I will pray for you starting now. Start climbing again.