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About DrewK15

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  1. Ambivalence

    @DelaneyJuliette you’re always welcome on here! I can relate to how you are feeling. I think we all can in some way. Think about it, you’re hanging out on a forum about quitting Adderall. And you have been for a while. You know you need to quit. But you don’t want to, because it sucks. I REALLY didn’t want to quit. But I’m still alive almost 2 years later and so glad that I did. How did you survive raising your kids and running the business during the month you were sober? Did it all crash and burn? I read through a lot of your old posts. You waste a ton of time on Adderall as we all did or do. Browsing Etsy, making lists of movies, etc.. When you’re ready to do this, you’ll probably get through it without losing everything that you love. If you keep using indefinitely, you just might lose it all. Keep wrestling with it. Ponder deeply. The middle ground between two choices is an uncomfortable place to be, but we so often chose to stay there. You can do this.
  2. Do something when this happens. Anything. Clean something. Cook. Go for a run. Lift some weights. Restlessness is a sign you are ready to move. I’ve been exactly where you are. Believe me, I get how hard it is, but you need to move. In early recovery I absolutely was not restless, I was perfectly content to sleep my days away, watch TV, eat, and repeat. Then I got restless, sat for a bit in the miserable state you describe, realized ‘oh crap I’m 30 pounds overweight’ and got moving. You’re on the verge of a big time breakthrough. You’re standing in the doorway of something big and that step over the threshold is tough. You’ve got this. I’m 22 months sober today and it sounds like you’re about where I was at 10 months. It gets so much better, I lost the weight in year 2. Also, you wouldn’t be on here if you didn’t care. Nobody who doesn’t care puts themselves through the hell of getting clean. People who actually don’t care don’t have to tell themselves that they don’t care. They just don’t care.
  3. It’s dangerous to assume an antidepressant will work the same for you as it did for someone else, they are complicated chemicals. I went on an antidepressant immediately after quitting Adderall and I lost my mind. Had to go into a short term rehab to detox. I spent 9 months medication free after that before going on a mood stabilizing medication that has worked wonders for me. My recommendation is to wait a few months for your body to adjust to being Adderall free before making a decision to add another medication.
  4. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy did you pick up the script? First things first. Time to cut off the supply and work from there. Have you seen a counselor before? If so, you can assume that alone isn’t going to be enough to keep you sober. Don’t get me wrong, counseling is great, it was a part of my recovery and helped me immensely. But something has to change this time. I believe in persistence, getting back up again, and never giving up. I believe there is more than one successful way to beat this addiction. But I also believe that if you change nothing, nothing will change. You can do this. I’m cheering you on!
  5. Getting through college...HELP

    Hi Kelly! I’m glad you found us. And your profile picture is awesome by the way. I didn’t quit in school, I actually didn’t even get started until after, but I can relate to what you’re feeling. We all can in a sense. It feels so overwhelming to keep up with the daily demands of life without Adderall. In my case I was in a extremely high pressure job. The first thing I would do at this point is ask yourself why you quit. Did it stop working for you? Were you abusing it? Was it ruining relationships? Making it to 37 days after 7 years of use is no small feat. You’re doing amazing. But you have to remember why you quit in the first place. If you feed the part of you that thinks you’re better off with Adderall, it will continue to grow until you relapse. The second thing I would do is ask yourself if there will be a better time in the future to quit. Will you be able to afford time off after you graduate to quit? Do you think it will be easier to quit when you are dealing with the demands of a new nursing career? I don’t think so. There are a lot of nurses on here that crashed after years of Adderall use. Some people successfully plan a quit for the future, but 99% of the time the best answer is to quit and stay quit now. At 37 days you are through some of the hardest days already. Things will get better. I think you should try your absolute best to study this weekend and take the test Addy free on Monday. Come back on here and let us know how it went! Try studying in little 5 minutes spurts. One little fact or page at a time. Take some deep breaths and lower your expectations for yourself on this one. If you’re used to getting A’s, come to peace with the possibility of a B or C on this first one. Welcome to the forums!

    @LuLamb meetings were huge for my recovery. It’s easy to feel surrounded by people who have it all together in our day to day lives. That’s what everyone wants to show each other, the most polished versions of themselves. Meetings provide an atmosphere and community where a lot of people drop the facade and talk about what’s really going on with them. You can be vulnerable and relate. If the first meeting you go to isn’t great try a few others. They can be a lot different depending on the group of people. AA or NA will work. The core struggles are similar enough to relate. I’m struggling with pseudoephedrine right now too. Took it a week and a half ago for a bad head cold and I haven’t been able to stop. I’m so weak when it comes to stims. Need to bite the bullet and stop taking it.
  7. @DelaneyJuliette stick with it, you’re more than capable of staying clean. I know how you feel, it’s really really hard, but it can be done and from reading your posts I know you can do this. Adderall, alcohol, temazepam, klonapin, tramadol. That’s a lot of drugs. I don’t know you or your situation, but I think taking a look at stopping the other drugs and drinking would set you up for success. Clean out the pills you’re keeping “just in case”. Very few ever successfully quit when they have immediate access to the drugs they struggle with. You can do this! Keep on posting and sharing your journey.
  8. 20 Months Out. Struggling.

    Hi @skylounger, welcome to the forums! I enjoy running and exercise which helps. I also have done some volunteer work coaching youth soccer and working with kids. I do enjoy that. My girlfriend of 10 months is really into horses, so I’ve spent time with her out at the barn and that’s a peaceful environment for me. I used to get really fired up about golfing, watching sports, and video games, but I haven’t really renewed the same love for those things that I once had. I got rid of video games altogether, haven’t golfed in 4 months and watched like 2 football games this year. It’s a little confusing because I always loved those things even before Adderall. Nothing really gets me excited anymore. I hope to get a good job, marry my girl, and have a couple kids, but beyond that I feel a lot of me has died. I know I’m only 28, but it’s easy for me to feel in my heart like life has passed me by. I stayed strong on the nicotine. I figured it would only set me back and not be worth it. Thanks for the post, it’s nice to feel not alone.
  9. 20 Months Out. Struggling.

    @sleepystupid thanks for the encouragement. I guess I’m not hurting for money per se. My needs are met, but my folks are the ones supporting me financially right now and I’d like to get myself on my feet and out on my own again. The preferred field of work thing is though. Like any true ADD/addict I’ve jumped from thing to thing. Have a highly specialized Bachelor’s degree I can’t use because I left the field and didn’t get certified after graduating. Worked in financial services/sales/advisory for 2 years. And then was a jack of all trades for a family business (real estate/building contractor) for 3 years or so. Project management/business administration, bookkeeping, HR, logistics, executive assistant, legal, Payables/receivables, etc. I did so so much on a day to day basis and it was an insane responsibility, but left me with a scattered skill set. I like communicating/teaching/problem solving in a professional environment, so I’m trying to go the project/relationship management route, but it’s been really tough to break through without connections. I’m finding I’m too qualified for a lot of lower paying jobs, and not qualified enough for better ones and that been a tough issue to solve so far.
  10. @eric thanks for sharing! It takes a lot of courage to come back into recovery after a relapse like that, so I think it’s really cool to have you back on here. Doesn’t surprise me the Tramadol led to relapse. Our types really don’t do well with substances of any kind. Especially painkillers. I know the moment I put 1 substance into my body, it’ll ignite the rest of my addictions. It’s just how I’m wired. I lose control when the seal of sobriety is broken. Which is scary, but also very motivating. Good to have you back, you’re not alone!
  11. Hey guys, it’s been 20 months since I used or drank, and I’m having a really hard time right now. I feel close to some kind of relapse. Probably some kind of nicotine (I’m 10 1/2 months off). I can’t lift my mood with anything including exercise and I know nicotine would at least provide some kind of relief. I’ve definitely gone through some good times in recovery, but I still can’t find a job. I could probably go do something minimum wage, but I’d never be able to move away from home again, get married, etc.. My whole life feels like a total waste. I can’t believe I messed it up this bad. Trying to hold onto hope that maybe things will get better someday. It’s so hard to hold on.
  12. Friday night sober ramblings

    This is a good thread. I’m with @sleepystupid, life is different after Adderall. I’m at 569 days since my last pill or drink and it’s still hard sometimes, but it’s also good. For me it’s more peaceful. My old life was so much different; stuff like the flashing lights of the club, gambling, alcohol, Adderall, weed, video games, etc.. I had to be constantly stimulated or I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I completely lost my appreciation for all of the little things in life and was absolutely miserable when I wasn’t high or distracted. I don’t do any of these things anymore. Maybe I’m just getting older as well, but I’m just different now. I walk my dogs, read in the morning with my coffee, I decorated a Christmas tree with my family yesterday. Slow stuff. It doesn’t flood my brain with that excited feeling, but I’m so much more mindful and actually notice the world around me. And I do feel so much better, my brain releases those feel good chemicals for much smaller things now. To answer your question, you will start to feel better the longer you stay clean. I made significant progress at 12-18 months. I used to sleep til noon, but now I get super restless if I’m not up by 8. You will continue to heal. The longer you’re clean, the more the little things in life will bring you enjoyment. Stick with it, you’re doing great!
  13. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy I want to second what @Tom23Jones is saying here. Patience, determination, exercise, some kind of meditation, and community are all going to help immensely. I loved interval cycling and running in early recovery. Something about the rhythm of alternating peak intensity and rest cleared my head. Run fast for a minute, walk for 2, run fast for a minute, and so on. Whatever fast means to you. It’ll help! I’ve probably come across as one of the lazy, Netflix and chill people in the past, so I want to clarify what I mean by being kind to yourself. Sleep is being kind to yourself. So is eating well, learning to quiet your mind, and exercise. Eating garbage and being totally sedentary isn’t going to help anything. I have to admit I watched a lot of shows and ate a good deal of candy in recovery, but I also walked my dogs a few miles every day, lifted weights and ran 4-5 days a week. It helps immensely. The concept here for me was to push yourself without expecting perfection or overnight results. If you miss a workout or two, get right back at it instead of giving up. We can be an impatient bunch. Good luck!
  14. 18 Months Sober

    @Zajche Maybe. It’s hard to tell. My energy levels and clarity feel fine most days and I feel normal. I still struggle off and on, but I just chalk it up as having good and bad days just like everyone else.
  15. 18 Months Sober

    Hi all, I hit 18 months sober today. Just wanted to check in and say hi. Life is good. It’s hard, but so much better than it was while in my addiction. My health and emotional well being is solid. I have a really cool and supportive girlfriend. Still working on finding a job and getting back on my feet financially. That part has been frustrating and difficult, but I’m hanging in there!