DrewK15

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About DrewK15

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  1. Letting Go Completely

    Thank you all for the feedback! This addiction nearly took everything from me, yet sometimes I remember the experience as wonderful. It’s a lie, sometimes I need the reminder from you all or I’ll start believing it!
  2. Thank you for sharing @tiptoe. It is really helpful and eye opening to read about this addiction from the outside-looking-in perspective. Your wife cannot see things as they really are right now, things will get worse until she reaches her limit and breaks. I hope you and your kids are able to find restoration with her in the aftermath of this addiction.
  3. Things better than a high?

    Relationships and breaking isolation. Being around people and enjoying their company, having long conversations again, and deeply laughing. Simply being restored to a state of sanity.
  4. Letting Go Completely

    Hi All. I’ve been struggling the last few days. Too much self loathing and glamorizing the ‘good old days’ in my thoughts. I need to get it out there. Right now it feels impossible to accept I will never use Adderall again. I am okay with not using today, and probably tomorrow, and maybe for a year or two, but for some reason the thought that I will never use again crushes my spirit and I toss it aside. In a way I am living for a hope that someday the stars will align and I will be able to use again. In my head I know this isn’t true, but my heart doesn’t agree. I wish I could just let go. Anyone else go through this? Thoughts?
  5. @nic123 I’m sorry you are having to go through this. What you describe does sound like drug/Adderall addiction. Unfortunately what you or any of us say doesn’t make much of a diffence until he thinks he’s an addict. As far as bipolar, that’s something for a psychiatrist to diagnose. Likely only after ruling out drug induced mood issues.
  6. Social vs Socially Awkward

    @Socially awkward Yes I was very irritable, angry, bitter, etc. Still am sometimes (road rage), but it gets better with time and work. You may have undone much of the work you did, but periods of abstinence are never a waste. You’re better off having not used for those 2 months. Hang in there.
  7. Finally quit--Day 8

    Congrats on making it through your first 8 days! It sounds like you’re in the right place, there is so much in your story that many of us can relate to. When you feel like you’ve run out of strength (which does happen) reach out for help instead of Adderall. You can do this. Welcome.
  8. Social vs Socially Awkward

    @Socially awkward More social than when I quit? Absolutely. As social as I would like to be? No. But I’m slowly getting better. The last few months before I quit all I did was work, play video games, and drink, so any social interaction is an improvement for me. I have found healing by letting some of my family and old friends back into my life. Not everyone will be accepting of your struggle. Since I’ve gotten clean I’ve done things like a camping trip with friends, playing board games, and cooking thanksgiving dinner with my sisters. And I’m actually present instead of thinking about being somewhere or doing something else. As far as talking to and socializing with new people, I’m working on that. I still have a prominent fear of people. I think what’s most important is breaking isolation, even if it’s just calling an old friend for a few minutes. Progress not perfection!
  9. Social vs Socially Awkward

    I can relate to staying at work instead of socializing. I used to get myself all worked up thinking I was so virtuous for slaving away on meaningless spreadsheets, while everyone else went out and had a good time. Adderall made me more social and outgoing at first, but as I continued to take it I became more and more antisocial until I was completely isolated. Without Adderall I am socially anxious, but not socially awkward. I have a hard time putting myself out there, but when I do it never goes as poorly as I think it will. When I first started taking Adderall the social anxiety disappeared and I loved it. As I continued to use the anxiety came back, and my obsessions took the place of any real human interaction.
  10. OKcupid, Tinder, Relapsing & Adderall?

    Dazzy, you are not alone in these feelings. When I took Adderall and drank I was some kind of charming genius on Tinder and in bars. In my experience it was much easier to attract women, but impossible to be in a real meaningful relationship. I didn’t know who I was or what I really wanted. I haven’t even tried to date since quitting. I feel too out of shape, stupid, old, and like a loser for living with my family again. The positives still outweigh my insecurities though. I can see how empty my old life was and hope for love someday instead of one infatuation after another.
  11. Slow digestive issues

    Hey Kim. I have run into problems with metabolism/digestion/appetite as well since quitting. The combination of slowed metabolism and insatiable appetite can be so frustrating. A few things that have helped for me that you didn’t list above: drinking ALOT of water, coffee, limiting dairy and sugar in my diet. Cardio (cycling, running, etc.) has been huge. Start slow, even just a 15 minute jog can get things moving in my experience. All that said, you are still early on in the recovery process. I’d give it some more time, and if the issues persist contact a dietitian, physician, etc. to brainstorm solutions that DON’T include getting back on Adderall.
  12. Early Warning Signs

    The first couple of times I visited this site I had only been using Adderall for a few weeks. Early on I was very pleased with the effects I was experiencing, but there was a small voice in the back of my head telling me "this is a bad idea". Naturally I set out to silence this voice, starting by gathering information on the internet. When I came across this website I found many stories and warnings that I didn't want to hear. I remember reading the disclaimer on the home page, and deciding that this website was not for me. Four years and a lot of pain later I know this website is and always was for me. In my experience it was very difficult to identify my life on Adderall was falling apart until things got really bad. Only now can I think back and identify the multitude of warning signs I ignored on my path to rock bottom. I hope my contributions here can help people who are on a similar path before things get so bad. For me the earliest sign of a problem was using Adderall as a substitute for sleep. My hunch is this is common among new users who will go on to have big problems with Adderall. What were some of the first warning signs you ignored on your journey with Adderall? How long had you been using when you first had thoughts about quitting?
  13. Relapse

    Hey Sean I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying here. The “If I’m going to be dependent on drugs, they might as well be the ones I want to take” thinking is something about I’ve really struggled with too. As hard as it is, try to be logical about it. Think about consequences. There’s a difference between what we want and need. I refused mood stabilizers for my bipolar II for years because I didn’t want to be dependent on them, opting to get drunk and high instead. That doesn’t make much sense. Hang in there!
  14. Relapse

    Hey Sean thanks for sharing. It may not feel like it right now, but your voice and experience does matter. I hope you’ll continue to share. Time to start a new streak and do something different this time!
  15. PAWS? Or too early?

    Hi Hannah. The most straightforward thing you can do to prevent impulsive relapse is make sure you don’t have any immediate access to the drug. Recovery from this drug is a long process and there will be good and bad days. I think it’s an awesome sign for you that the first couple weeks went so smoothly. That being said, it’s important to understand there will be bad, depressing, boring days. That’s just a part of life, recovery or otherwise. A trick I’ve used in early recovery is to ask myself if I can make it to the end of the day without using. Usually the answer is yes, and usually I feel better in the morning. Support groups and forums like this are a great resource as well. Post on here when you feel like using instead of after you do. Don’t be discouraged, do something different this time.