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About DrewK15

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  1. @DelaneyJuliette stick with it, you’re more than capable of staying clean. I know how you feel, it’s really really hard, but it can be done and from reading your posts I know you can do this. Adderall, alcohol, temazepam, klonapin, tramadol. That’s a lot of drugs. I don’t know you or your situation, but I think taking a look at stopping the other drugs and drinking would set you up for success. Clean out the pills you’re keeping “just in case”. Very few ever successfully quit when they have immediate access to the drugs they struggle with. You can do this! Keep on posting and sharing your journey.
  2. 20 Months Out. Struggling.

    Hi @skylounger, welcome to the forums! I enjoy running and exercise which helps. I also have done some volunteer work coaching youth soccer and working with kids. I do enjoy that. My girlfriend of 10 months is really into horses, so I’ve spent time with her out at the barn and that’s a peaceful environment for me. I used to get really fired up about golfing, watching sports, and video games, but I haven’t really renewed the same love for those things that I once had. I got rid of video games altogether, haven’t golfed in 4 months and watched like 2 football games this year. It’s a little confusing because I always loved those things even before Adderall. Nothing really gets me excited anymore. I hope to get a good job, marry my girl, and have a couple kids, but beyond that I feel a lot of me has died. I know I’m only 28, but it’s easy for me to feel in my heart like life has passed me by. I stayed strong on the nicotine. I figured it would only set me back and not be worth it. Thanks for the post, it’s nice to feel not alone.
  3. 20 Months Out. Struggling.

    @sleepystupid thanks for the encouragement. I guess I’m not hurting for money per se. My needs are met, but my folks are the ones supporting me financially right now and I’d like to get myself on my feet and out on my own again. The preferred field of work thing is though. Like any true ADD/addict I’ve jumped from thing to thing. Have a highly specialized Bachelor’s degree I can’t use because I left the field and didn’t get certified after graduating. Worked in financial services/sales/advisory for 2 years. And then was a jack of all trades for a family business (real estate/building contractor) for 3 years or so. Project management/business administration, bookkeeping, HR, logistics, executive assistant, legal, Payables/receivables, etc. I did so so much on a day to day basis and it was an insane responsibility, but left me with a scattered skill set. I like communicating/teaching/problem solving in a professional environment, so I’m trying to go the project/relationship management route, but it’s been really tough to break through without connections. I’m finding I’m too qualified for a lot of lower paying jobs, and not qualified enough for better ones and that been a tough issue to solve so far.
  4. @eric thanks for sharing! It takes a lot of courage to come back into recovery after a relapse like that, so I think it’s really cool to have you back on here. Doesn’t surprise me the Tramadol led to relapse. Our types really don’t do well with substances of any kind. Especially painkillers. I know the moment I put 1 substance into my body, it’ll ignite the rest of my addictions. It’s just how I’m wired. I lose control when the seal of sobriety is broken. Which is scary, but also very motivating. Good to have you back, you’re not alone!
  5. Hey guys, it’s been 20 months since I used or drank, and I’m having a really hard time right now. I feel close to some kind of relapse. Probably some kind of nicotine (I’m 10 1/2 months off). I can’t lift my mood with anything including exercise and I know nicotine would at least provide some kind of relief. I’ve definitely gone through some good times in recovery, but I still can’t find a job. I could probably go do something minimum wage, but I’d never be able to move away from home again, get married, etc.. My whole life feels like a total waste. I can’t believe I messed it up this bad. Trying to hold onto hope that maybe things will get better someday. It’s so hard to hold on.
  6. Friday night sober ramblings

    This is a good thread. I’m with @sleepystupid, life is different after Adderall. I’m at 569 days since my last pill or drink and it’s still hard sometimes, but it’s also good. For me it’s more peaceful. My old life was so much different; stuff like the flashing lights of the club, gambling, alcohol, Adderall, weed, video games, etc.. I had to be constantly stimulated or I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I completely lost my appreciation for all of the little things in life and was absolutely miserable when I wasn’t high or distracted. I don’t do any of these things anymore. Maybe I’m just getting older as well, but I’m just different now. I walk my dogs, read in the morning with my coffee, I decorated a Christmas tree with my family yesterday. Slow stuff. It doesn’t flood my brain with that excited feeling, but I’m so much more mindful and actually notice the world around me. And I do feel so much better, my brain releases those feel good chemicals for much smaller things now. To answer your question, you will start to feel better the longer you stay clean. I made significant progress at 12-18 months. I used to sleep til noon, but now I get super restless if I’m not up by 8. You will continue to heal. The longer you’re clean, the more the little things in life will bring you enjoyment. Stick with it, you’re doing great!
  7. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy I want to second what @Tom23Jones is saying here. Patience, determination, exercise, some kind of meditation, and community are all going to help immensely. I loved interval cycling and running in early recovery. Something about the rhythm of alternating peak intensity and rest cleared my head. Run fast for a minute, walk for 2, run fast for a minute, and so on. Whatever fast means to you. It’ll help! I’ve probably come across as one of the lazy, Netflix and chill people in the past, so I want to clarify what I mean by being kind to yourself. Sleep is being kind to yourself. So is eating well, learning to quiet your mind, and exercise. Eating garbage and being totally sedentary isn’t going to help anything. I have to admit I watched a lot of shows and ate a good deal of candy in recovery, but I also walked my dogs a few miles every day, lifted weights and ran 4-5 days a week. It helps immensely. The concept here for me was to push yourself without expecting perfection or overnight results. If you miss a workout or two, get right back at it instead of giving up. We can be an impatient bunch. Good luck!
  8. 18 Months Sober

    @Zajche Maybe. It’s hard to tell. My energy levels and clarity feel fine most days and I feel normal. I still struggle off and on, but I just chalk it up as having good and bad days just like everyone else.
  9. 18 Months Sober

    Hi all, I hit 18 months sober today. Just wanted to check in and say hi. Life is good. It’s hard, but so much better than it was while in my addiction. My health and emotional well being is solid. I have a really cool and supportive girlfriend. Still working on finding a job and getting back on my feet financially. That part has been frustrating and difficult, but I’m hanging in there!
  10. @BK99 the 9-10 month mark was really tough for me. It’ll keep on getting better. Listen to your body and mind. If you’re physically and mentally exhausted continue to rest. If you start to get bored, get up and do something even if you don’t feel like it. In my opinion boredom was the sign I was ready to get off the couch and get moving. You’re working now so give yourself a break, especially on the weekends, it sounds like you need it and that isn’t a bad thing.
  11. Hey @silky, I can empathize with everything you describe at a deep deep level. I still struggle with depression 16 months clean, but it has improved and changed. At first I would say my depression was very physically debilitating and now it’s more of an emotional and existential battle that I fight. Exercise, eating, sleeping, etc is a start and will clear up physical symptoms, but I think the problem is much deeper than that. I live with a void in my heart and soul that I have to work to fill every day. I’m not too interested in most things I used to love and I don’t even know why I’m on this planet much of the time. But I know I’m not ready to die so I choose to stay sober and fight rather than escape my pain. I pray to God for help. And serving people and focusing on others (including this forum) instead of myself is the only thing that has brought me true joy, but it’s very hard to do consistently. I’m sorry if this only makes it worse, but the best thing I can do for you is describe my struggle and what has worked for me.
  12. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy hi! It sounds like you’re ready to do this and get off of Adderall for good which is a good start. It’s crazy how many of us crash around the 4-5 year mark, I was the same way (I’m 28 so not too different age wise). As far as long term commitment, start by cutting off your supply, which it sounds like you’re doing. I’d also let your partner know what’s going on and about your desire to quit. Show them this site so they can better understand what you will face. I’m sure the promise of your personality and libido returning will make them very understanding and accommodating. Therapy, support groups, rest and exercise worked wonders for me in my long term recovery. I think it’s a matter of figuring out what works for you. I had a lot of emotional and other addiction issues so seeing a counselor and AA were really important for me. Exercise and rest are good for everyone. Find a balance and don’t push yourself too hard early on. Your mind and body need time to heal. I spent a lot of time the first 9-10 months binging TV shows, which I don’t do at all now. So be kind to yourself when that’s all you feel like doing. Start with some light cardio. Even just 10-15 minutes to get the blood moving. Anyways, that’s some of what worked for me to be successful long term. Good luck!
  13. How did 5 yrs fly by?

    @Aurora29 congratulations on 2 weeks! Do everything you can to hold onto your current attitude and you’re going to make it through this. Patience is the key. We’re not the most patient bunch as Adderall users, so recognizing the importance of that is going to serve you well. Good luck on your journey!
  14. 6 Months Free!

    I’ve dealt with plenty of what I would call PAWS. 16 months clean for me this week. I remember the first 9-10 months of recovery, every time I was feeling overly sleepy, anxious, foggy, whatever, I started thinking OH MY WORD PAWS HAS ME I’LL NEVER BE NORMAL AGAIN!!! And then slowly without noticing it, I processed a bad day as a bad day, or a bad week as a bad week. Instead of PAWS it’s just a bad day. PAWS is very real and I very much went through it, but how long it lasted is a little less clear. I’ve become a more patient and content person in this recovery so day to day garbage just doesn’t matter as much. Hang in there and keep focusing on making it to bed clean and sober every night, you all are doing a great job!
  15. 40 Days Clean... and I have questions.

    @amcardwell you’re on the right path! For what it’s worth I think your new baby is going to energize you and give you something else to focus on. You sound excited to be a father so I doubt it’s going to feel like you’re forcing yourself to take care of your child. That’s a huge blessing. I can’t wait to get married and have children which is insane because I had no desire for that before I quit Adderall. Continue to use the principles you’ve learned in AA to stay clean, you have a bright future ahead of you!