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About DrewK15

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  1. How is it dating without adderall?

    @Brit I didn’t really date much before or during Adderall. I went on dates every once in a while and had a couple 1-2 month “relationships” but that’s it. I was too worried about myself (for reference I was 26 when I quit and had never been in a relationship for longer than a couple months). 11 months clean I started dating my girlfriend and we’ve been together for more than a year. I’ve never been happier with that part of life.
  2. Had to Know, Now I know

    @speedracer good call in waiting 6 months to start out on any new meds. I believe that is a good practice. I think getting on another drug too soon can mess up the diagnosis due to early withdrawal symptoms. I waited 7 months before considering any meds. In my case I was mildly bipolar (more depressive really) and a small dose of lamotragine has worked wonders. No side effects and it actually helps me without changing me!
  3. To fill or not to fill

    @sweetupbaaby I too have found that telling myself I don't use Adderall (or any other drugs) has helped. For me the difference between I don't and I can't is huge. I don't makes my quitting a positive part of my identity. Telling myself I can't tends to make me irritable because I feel like something I want is being withheld from me. Whenever I am having a really hard day dwelling on a temptation to use, usually I am telling myself I can't use Adderall. The truth is we all can use if we would like. We have the freedom to use, but we also have the freedom to not use. The question is, how are we going to use our freedom? Do we want freedom to use Adderall, or freedom from Adderall? I hope you don't fill the script, you have a few weeks behind you now and that's not worth giving up. Good luck on your continued journey!
  4. First Day Back to Work

    Today marks day 1 of my return to the workforce after a couple years away. I was fortunate to have family that met my basic needs while I worked on recovery. It took me about a year to feel mentally ready to return to work, and then another year to take care of some other stuff and find the right job. And it went great. I spaced out a few times, but I snapped out of it pretty quick. I did my first full day of Addy free work in 6 years. Today was a win. I know some hard days are coming, but I’m ready to face them!
  5. Anyone else lost all patience?

    I never really had a whole lot of patience to begin with. And it only got worse during my time on Adderall. I’m still working on being a more patient person, it’s probably my biggest character issue! Not necessarily in a raging, snapping at people kind of way; but I simply struggle contentedly waiting and working for the good things in life. I want it all and I want it right now. And when I get it, then I want the next thing and the next thing. I think ‘they’ call it a destination mindset. If I’m not careful, I can go through my days so focused on where I’m going and want to be that I totally miss out on ever experiencing a present moment. Being aware of this is the first step to healing. Slowing down is hard. This is one of those things that’s a life issue, not just an Adderall issue. And I can relate so deeply. There is hope, I’ve gotten so much better at being patient in recovery, and you will too! You just have to be patient....
  6. I’m sorry you’re have a rough day, and congrats on 40 days. You may feel unproductive, but it sounds like you’re holding down a job. Are you at risk of getting fired due to poor performance? As long as your getting by I wouldn’t worry too much about that right now. Staying clean has to be your first priority. The motivation issues and sadness/depression could be PAWS. Or you could simply be experiencing real life again. Sometimes you have bad days or weeks, and they do come and go. It sounds like overall you’re doing pretty well, it’s going to be ok if you just stay the course! Cancel the appointment or be honest with your doctor. You decided to quit. Tell your doctor why and ask respectfully that they no longer prescribe you Vyvanse/Adderall. If you keep options open for getting more pills, you’ll probably relapse. It’s not complicated, cut off your supply and don’t look back.
  7. 2 Years Speed Free

    Hey all, it has now been 2 continuous years since I last used Adderall and Vyvanse; May 6 will mark 2 years since I have had any drink or drug (I struggled with Adderall, alcohol, weed, and vicodin). It's been a long journey to this point, but at the same time it feels like the time has flown by and I am so thankful that drugs and alcohol no longer run the show in my life. I'm thankful for this forum, for the opportunity it gave me to read, learn, and not feel alone. And now to help others who are earlier on in the journey. You all matter and have played a role in my recovery. My life is better now. It really is. Looking back at my old posts and remembering the journey it's crazy to see how far I've come. I posted a lot about loneliness, emotional issues dealing with unemployment, moving back in with my mom, meaninglessness, lack of confidence, etc. Circumstantially every one of those things have improved. I'm starting a great new job in a few weeks, I'll be able financially to move out next year, I'm planning on getting married next spring, and I'm in better shape than ever. But recovery isn't really about getting your stuff back. Things either happen or they don't. The circumstances don't actually change what goes on inside of us. In some ways I am struggling more while things are good, because there will always be a part of me that thinks things could be "just a little bit better or more exciting". I still get bored, feel lonely, go through bouts of being down, and have some awful days. But that's ok, life is good. I can sit quietly in a room alone. And I no longer need another drink, drag, or drug to get through my days. I'm free.
  8. These two statements are a great summary of how I felt when I started and quit Adderall. I know exactly how it feels. As much as it sucks to hear, patience and endurance are the name of the game when it comes to quitting Adderall. You're off to a really good start! It's an up and down journey. Do what you can to take care of your body, and over time you'll bounce back physically. Don't overthink it. 20-30 minutes of exercise 4-5x/week, 7-9 hours of sleep per night, eat well (try to experiment with cutting out sugar, dairy and/or gluten. I do ok with gluten, but low sugar and dairy helps my brain fog). What's harder is winning the battle in your mind, this next part may or not make sense so bear with me.... One of the most critical things you need to figure out when quitting Adderall is how to deal with the mundanity of life. Life is often slow, boring, and void of excitement from moment to moment. That doesn't mean we never experience things that are exciting, pleasurable, and entertaining; it simply means our expectation of how often we should experience them may be unrealistic. My childhood through college years were exciting. I had a life of competitive sports, friends, the next grade to earn or school to get into, nothing but entertainment in my free time (Halo and Call of Duty), I partied, etc. Then real life hit me in the face. I had to sit in an office for 8+ hours/day, pay bills, I didn't play sports anymore, basically I had to grow up. I still did things that I enjoyed when I had time, but far more of my life was eaten up by a black hole of boring mundanity. I became depressed. I started to lose motivation, excitement, and interest in life. Then Adderall came along and made more mundane life, feel like my old exciting life. Think about it, we (as a culture) put our kids in front of the Avengers and Fortnite for 5-7 hours a day and then expect them to sit still and learn geometry. Enter Adderall. We cure our thirst for overstimulation by overstimulating ourselves through the boring parts of life. That's what Adderall dependance and addiction is often all about. I'll have 2 years clean in a couple weeks and my life has never been better. My relationships are deeper, I'm starting an amazing new job in a couple weeks. I've learned to accept the hard, boring things in life and embrace the good times when they come. I even get excited every once in a while. Slow down, turn off the TV, go for a walk, read a book. There are many good things in life to discover that aren't necessarily exciting. Stay on the path, you can do it!
  9. Three years.

    Congrats Sean. You were the first person to respond to me on this website, it meant so much. I felt heard, loved and empathized with. I miss having you on here more regularly, please know you played a part in this guy’s recovery.
  10. Adderrall "HIGH" after quitting

    I’ve certainly had some highs since I quit, although they weren’t the same as the highs I felt on Adderall. They were different, but altogether rich and meaningful. I practice abstinence from pleasures (both for short and long periods of time) as a way to experience a more full life. For me it is both common sense, and a spiritual discipline. My simple mantra is “needing less to be happy is better than needing more”. No matter how much you have (including dopamine in your brain), you will always want more. If not immediately, than eventually. It’s a part of being human. The less you need to be happy, the more attainable happiness is. Self denial is a practice, it takes effort, and it’s rarely done perfectly, but it develops a sense of peace and gratitude I haven’t been able to find anywhere else. Denying my ‘flesh’ or desires and feeding my soul is where I have found life. An example: a few months ago I did a 3 day juice fast. It was pretty freaking miserable at times. But I stuck it out. On day 2 I made a plan to break the fast at dinner at the end of day 3 by eating tacos, chips, and salsa at one of my favorite restaurants. I spent that day dreaming of those tacos. When the time came I ate, and I tell you what, it was borderline euphoric. I haven’t had a better meal since. I would have enjoyed the meal anyways, but after a few days of denying myself food altogether it was so much better. I think it works this way for anything. Pick something you enjoy and go without it for a week. Video games, TV, candy, etc. It’ll be better when you return to it. At least for a time. If you’re anhedonic and don’t enjoy anything, go without solid food for a few days and I assure you it’ll be enjoyable when you break the fast.
  11. Ambivalence

    @DelaneyJuliette you’re always welcome on here! I can relate to how you are feeling. I think we all can in some way. Think about it, you’re hanging out on a forum about quitting Adderall. And you have been for a while. You know you need to quit. But you don’t want to, because it sucks. I REALLY didn’t want to quit. But I’m still alive almost 2 years later and so glad that I did. How did you survive raising your kids and running the business during the month you were sober? Did it all crash and burn? I read through a lot of your old posts. You waste a ton of time on Adderall as we all did or do. Browsing Etsy, making lists of movies, etc.. When you’re ready to do this, you’ll probably get through it without losing everything that you love. If you keep using indefinitely, you just might lose it all. Keep wrestling with it. Ponder deeply. The middle ground between two choices is an uncomfortable place to be, but we so often chose to stay there. You can do this.
  12. Do something when this happens. Anything. Clean something. Cook. Go for a run. Lift some weights. Restlessness is a sign you are ready to move. I’ve been exactly where you are. Believe me, I get how hard it is, but you need to move. In early recovery I absolutely was not restless, I was perfectly content to sleep my days away, watch TV, eat, and repeat. Then I got restless, sat for a bit in the miserable state you describe, realized ‘oh crap I’m 30 pounds overweight’ and got moving. You’re on the verge of a big time breakthrough. You’re standing in the doorway of something big and that step over the threshold is tough. You’ve got this. I’m 22 months sober today and it sounds like you’re about where I was at 10 months. It gets so much better, I lost the weight in year 2. Also, you wouldn’t be on here if you didn’t care. Nobody who doesn’t care puts themselves through the hell of getting clean. People who actually don’t care don’t have to tell themselves that they don’t care. They just don’t care.
  13. It’s dangerous to assume an antidepressant will work the same for you as it did for someone else, they are complicated chemicals. I went on an antidepressant immediately after quitting Adderall and I lost my mind. Had to go into a short term rehab to detox. I spent 9 months medication free after that before going on a mood stabilizing medication that has worked wonders for me. My recommendation is to wait a few months for your body to adjust to being Adderall free before making a decision to add another medication.
  14. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy did you pick up the script? First things first. Time to cut off the supply and work from there. Have you seen a counselor before? If so, you can assume that alone isn’t going to be enough to keep you sober. Don’t get me wrong, counseling is great, it was a part of my recovery and helped me immensely. But something has to change this time. I believe in persistence, getting back up again, and never giving up. I believe there is more than one successful way to beat this addiction. But I also believe that if you change nothing, nothing will change. You can do this. I’m cheering you on!
  15. Getting through college...HELP

    Hi Kelly! I’m glad you found us. And your profile picture is awesome by the way. I didn’t quit in school, I actually didn’t even get started until after, but I can relate to what you’re feeling. We all can in a sense. It feels so overwhelming to keep up with the daily demands of life without Adderall. In my case I was in a extremely high pressure job. The first thing I would do at this point is ask yourself why you quit. Did it stop working for you? Were you abusing it? Was it ruining relationships? Making it to 37 days after 7 years of use is no small feat. You’re doing amazing. But you have to remember why you quit in the first place. If you feed the part of you that thinks you’re better off with Adderall, it will continue to grow until you relapse. The second thing I would do is ask yourself if there will be a better time in the future to quit. Will you be able to afford time off after you graduate to quit? Do you think it will be easier to quit when you are dealing with the demands of a new nursing career? I don’t think so. There are a lot of nurses on here that crashed after years of Adderall use. Some people successfully plan a quit for the future, but 99% of the time the best answer is to quit and stay quit now. At 37 days you are through some of the hardest days already. Things will get better. I think you should try your absolute best to study this weekend and take the test Addy free on Monday. Come back on here and let us know how it went! Try studying in little 5 minutes spurts. One little fact or page at a time. Take some deep breaths and lower your expectations for yourself on this one. If you’re used to getting A’s, come to peace with the possibility of a B or C on this first one. Welcome to the forums!