ladypantz

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About ladypantz

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  1. I finally need to tell my doctor

    Did you tell your doctor? that was definitely hard for me but I'm glad I did it.
  2. Relapse

    Sean, no one is disappointed in you. At least, I'm not. You spread so much positivity around here. I don't really know what else to say, except not to look at this as a failure. You came so far, and your journey is not over. You're bigger than this. It's just a bump in the road. I just came on here a couple weeks ago and one of the only messages I got was from you, and that meant a lot to me. You can do this. <3
  3. Long timer checking in.

    This is instills a lot of hope. How long did you use for?
  4. Thanks for the reply Sean. I gained a lot of weight too, and it has made me lose a lot of confidence. I only gained 25 pounds since quitting, but I was already overweight by about 15-20 pounds. The thought of going on dating apps and stuff makes me anxious. I have tried for a few minutes at a time. I used to play a lot of video games but I don't even have the motivation to do that anymore. Basically all I do is sleep, youtube, reddit, TV, work, repeat. My days off go by and I don't get anything done. What kind of stuff helps you feel better?
  5. I don't even know where to start with this. I don't even know exactly what I want to say. But I'm struggling, I guess. And want to share. I'm 36 now and was prescribed adderall at 19. I was a sophomore in college. Ever since I was a little kid I was always told I probably had ADD, but I was never tested or treated for it. I always scored really high on standardized tests, but just sailed by in high school with C's. I was notorious for not doing homework, not studying. That sort of thing. My first semester in college I had a 3.88 average though, just by going to class, taking notes, and doing minimal studying. Then, I started to be prescribed adderall. My life went so far downhill it was unbelievable. Throughout my 20's, I dropped out of college, raked up 30k in debt, experimented with many drugs, moved back and forth from place to place, developed a gambling problem. Even when I first started taking it, I think I was prescribed 30mg xr's and I would take them before I went out, and drink a bunch and party. I lost a lot of weight. But as I got older, my script was usually 30mg IR's 2x a day. I would easily run out in 10-20 days. By the time I turned 22, I decided to join the military. I got injured and medically discharged but it was my longest time off adderall. (about a year). When I turned 30, I had gotten back into school, and by a lot of accounts doing well. I got into a relationship though w/ a really bad addict, who introduced me to meth. Luckily, I only used for about a year, and never have went back to it or thought about it again. After finally ending that relationship, I was out of money, failed out of college, was spent in every way possible. I moved back in with my parents across country, and was still using dexderine. I was prescribed 30 mg 2x a day, but it was in 10 mg pills. So I would get 180 10 mg pills a month, and would easily take 12-15 a day, especially when my script first started. My life had gotten so bad. I managed to hold onto a job that I still have now (going on two and a half years) in retail, but my relationship with my mother had gotten so toxic, and i was never sleeping. I would go to work after not sleeping, and I really didn't have any friends. In Feb of this year I met a woman who told me about how she was addicted to adderall. I had just gotten my script filled and met her randomly after I had left my lights on in my car (a common occurrence) and she had given me a jump start. She could tell I was on stims, and told me her story. After being up for 4 days straight (day one being the day I met her and had gotten my script filled)... I told my bosses at work I had a problem. I then drove to the VA (where I get my prescriptions and healthcare) and told my psych prescriber. I went to rehab about a week later. I've been sober since Feb 22. I wish I could say it's all roses..but it's not. I am aware that I have accomplished SO much this year. (And while I am aware of it it doesn't mean I'm feeling as happy for myself as I should be.) I moved out of my parents house. (my roommate is the woman who inspired me to quit!) I'm enrolled back in college, I was employee of the month at work last month, I quit smoking. I still drink but it's not problematic or daily. Although I am being very mindful of that. I sleep every night, and just recently about a month ago even got off my wellbutrin. (Was taking 450 mg a day). I'm in therapy, I'm doing a lot of good things for myself. I have saved up about $5,000. (considering I had nothing in February, and I make very little money, and have had problems with shopping and gambling, this is pretty amazing... ) But I feel so empty...and alone. I haven't been on a date in over a year. I am not even motivated TO date, but I want someone. I moved into my new place a month and a half ago and still haven't unpacked my stuff. I have furniture that isn't even finished being put together. I don't exercise. I don't have any motivation to go out and be social. The anhedonia is still really terrible. I am not sure what I'm writing all this for but maybe someone can offer some guidance, or friendship. Or hope. Thank you so much for reading this. Love you all.