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About hannah95

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  1. PAWS? Or too early?

    Hello! I hope that everyone had a very happy Thanksgiving! It hasn't been long since I've posted, but today would have been two weeks without Adderall; however, today I officially "relapsed". For the past two days I have been so depressed in a way that I haven't experienced since my teenage years and before I was initially prescribed Adderall. There has been a constant heaviness in my heart, and it's scary, because my depressive tendencies are half the reason that I was given Adderall in the first place. What's strange to me is that I was doing really well for the first twelve days. I substituted with Modafinil on days that I needed the energy (though there's no comparison between the two), but other than that Adderall has hardly crossed my mind. Until yesterday, when this depression hit me out of nowhere. I'm feeling exceptionally pathetic right now, because I happened to find some Adderall "dust" at the bottom of my purse, self-preservation kicked in, and I went for it. It wasn't much, but some of that heaviness was lifted, and I finally feel like I can breathe. Has anyone gone through an experience like this, where your first couple of weeks recovering were a breeze, and then things did a full 360? How did you handle it? Thank you to those of you who so often take the time out of your days to read and reply to posts like this one. Those who commented on my last/first post offered me support and advice that I never could have received from a person who hasn't been in my shoes, and it was just what I needed. You guys are awesome.
  2. It truly means a lot to me that you guys as a community are both so understanding and direct. You have all been through the same thing, many of you having overcome much greater obstacles, and knowing that is more helpful to me than expected. I’ve taken increasingly less over the past few days, and was just now trying to talk myself out of taking any today when I saw that even more people replied to my post. I’m going to try once again to get off of this stuff, and I’ll post updates. Question: I was prescribed Modafinil for my fatigue/attention issues because it’s supposedly a lot friendlier of a drug than Adderall. Do any of you have experience with Modafinil? Do you think it’s just as bad as taking Adderall every day? I haven’t noticed it having ANY effect, and I’m questioning if it’s even worth it to try.
  3. @SeanW and @quit-once thank you both so much for telling it like it is. It almost doesn’t seem real outside of me, and being in it alone has made it harder to come to terms with. I’m glad to have found this community. I really do appreciate the feedback.
  4. Hi, everyone. I’m 23 years-old, and for the last two years, I’ve been prescribed Adderall for both ADD and severe fatigue. Just a heads-up before you read on, this might turn into a short novel! I always swore that addiction would never be a problem for me, thinking that I‘m too strong-willed and resilient. I have experimented with other drugs, but never felt an urge to seek out anything; but then came Adderall. Five minutes after my first dose, the optimism, clarity, energy, and distraction from reality that followed seemed to override all of my character flaws and vulnerabilities - the affects of past abuses were dulled. I liked it so much, and the guilt of that - the guilt of feeling more happy under the influence of Adderall than I ever was naturally, along with the other side effects of irritability, cheek/tongue-biting, lack of laughter, etc. worried me. When I voiced those concerns to my psychiatrist (Dr.T), he decided that I would need to take my full dose (I had only been taking around 1/4), three times per day. To him, the problem was not a matter of my increasing dependence (soon to be addiction); I just didn’t have a large or consistent enough stream. He reassured me that taking medication for ADD is safe and completely warranted; and that is one justification that I still have trouble letting go of. I know that I have ADD. I know that the mental fog and the fatigue I deal with (and Adderall helps with) are debilitating - just like Adderall - so where do I draw the line? That conversation with Dr. T made me feel like I was being handed the reigns in my own treatment. He gave me so much discretion and a three-month-supply of scripts - each worth 90 20mg tablets. I still didn’t want to be dependent on Adderall, so I tried to counter the unwanted effects (the worst one being the famous “Adderall comedown”) by splitting each tablet into tiny orange crumbs; I would take them randomly in an attempt to keep keep anxiety/depression at bay. School got rough. I had to work overnight shifts, and I was in the medical field, so I couldn’t afford to walk around in a daze; I wanted to be as “on it” as possible. So I started taking Adderall without even thinking about it. My body was so overrun that I was convinced I had cancer. I couldn’t get the mail or walk the dogs without running so out of breath that my vision would go black. My lymph nodes were swollen 3x their normal size. My heart rate was usually in the 120’s (some doctors couldn’t figure out why, and some blamed the Adderall, which I refused to believe was the cause of my troubles.) My blood tests showed malnutrition (even though I was eating) and high counts of white blood cells, because the Adderall was burning holes through my stomach. I developed gum disease. I lost 20 pounds -was down to 100 pounds. I barely got out of bed because my heart couldn’t take it. I was deeply depressed because no one could tell me why it appeared that I was dying. My classmates tried their best to keep me going. They worried about me like family would. I dropped out of the rigorous program that I was in at school, because I physically couldn’t go on; I left any preserver dignity behind with all of my friends. Life went on. In the past few months, I’ve “come to life” a bit more, but I still abuse Adderall - just not to the same extent. When I take it every day, I forget to shower and do dishes; go to sleep at a normal time and wake up at 1-3 pm. I look at myself in the mirror, and I want to scream “be better!” There are no words for the hatred I feel towards myself. My psychiatrist (finally) cut me off because I was honest with him, but I still have some remaining in “storage”, and I’m sure that I could get another prescription if I really wanted to. The problem is that I don’t 100% believe that life is better without Adderall. I know (deep down) that I’m a better person without it, but I feel as if it’s too late to stop. I honestly think that I’ve acquired brain-damage over the past couple of years, and I’m not sure that I’ll ever be “myself” again. In addition, every time I have tried to quit (at least 15 times), I just end up substituting with more alcohol or more benzodiazepines. I cannot stand the depression, irritability, or endless boredom that I feel without Adderall. My boyfriend (who I live with) has tried to help me quit, but I always break down and beg to have it back so that I can feel “still” again. I am a person who needs to be productive - who yearns to learn. But I only feel able with Adderall... My boyfriend and I are moving soon, to a new city, with new jobs and new people. I know that I need to end this cycle, but I can’t talk to anyone. My boyfriend knows that it’s hard for me, but he doesn’t understand why - why I can’t just “stop”. If anyone can offer “words of wisdom”, please do so. And thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.