Socially awkward

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Everything posted by Socially awkward

  1. It’s been awhile since I checked in now. I never thought I could make it this far. About 2 yrs ago I used to frequent this forum on a daily basis reading other people’s recovery stories and each time I tried I would fail and didn’t think I would ever be able to get clean or function without my pills. I just want to say that the road to recovery isn’t easy but I can honestly say the day will come where you will no longer think about using and your life would have done a complete 180. I now have a circle of friends and can be myself around others without anxiety and awkwardness. I have also stopped spending on drugs and alcohol and I’m about to buy my first house. If you’d asked me 2 yrs ago where I thought I’d be today honestly I think I would be dead had I not stopped using. Also I have my relationship back with my family and I can be here for others and not only myself. i hope that someone who is in the early stages of quitting or thinking about quitting will read this and know that they are not alone and that it won’t be easy but the fight will be worth it in the end. My thoughts go out to all of you who have come to browse for the first time like I once did or have taken the courage to reach out and tell your story. Took me awhile to work up the courage, I am proud of you and heart goes out to you all. Please keep trying even if you fail the first 50 billion times as I did. You are worth it and you are a much loved, valued member of society and we need you. Xxx
  2. Insulin Resistance

    I am currently 8 months sober and oddly enough my BSLs also came back elevated on some routine bloods recently. I need to have further tests done to rule out diabetes next week. Wouldn’t surprise me if there was a link between Adderall misuse and insulin resistance.
  3. When did the cravings stop?

    Hi At the 6 month mark now and I feel my relationships and life in general has improved. I can also feel my cognitive impairment as a result of abusing my pills has almost completely resolved. Today I’ve been having really bad cravings, the worst I’ve experienced in the 6 months I’ve been clean. I’m not sure what has triggered it. Guess I feel lethargic and miss the energy kick and euphoria. I’m trying to distract myself, have got out and about and taking a walk along the beach reflecting on the reasons why I quit in the first place. How long will it take for these cravings to stop and to be finally free from this addiction ? Thanks for your help. Really struggling today
  4. What motivates you to stay clean?

    Thought I’d check in again. I’ve finally reached the 100 days milestone however, rather than feeling this wonderful sense of achievement I’ve been struggling this past week with PAWS where I’ve suddenly started having strong cravings for my pills again. I think work has been one of the main triggers along with this gloomy cold weather we are having in Sydney. I feel completely unmotivated and have hated my job since quitting Dex amphetamines. I also haven’t been able to find the energy to go to the gym this past fortnight. The one thing that has stopped me from using this past couple of days is remembering what I was like during my acute withdrawal phase. I really put my family through hell and said and did a lot of things to hurt people. I also know as wonderful as it may feel to pop a pill right now, within a fortnight I will be right back where I started, taking 100mg a day of this shit and feeling nothing. Would love to hear everyone’s thoughts about what your personal triggers are? What makes you want to use again and what motivates you to stay clean as opposed to giving in and popping another pill?
  5. Hi, I have been lurking around this online forum for the past couple of months and thought it was time I contributed with my own story. I currently live in Australia where Adderall is not prescribed, however, I have managed to develop a nasty dependence to Dexamphetamine. All this started 2 yrs ago when I landed a new job that required a high degree of academic study, long shifts of 12hrs+ in addition to working both day and night (with the larger part being night work). At this time I was subjected to bullying from a couple of senior colleagues who lead me to believe I was stupid, with one of them suggesting I must have some form of ADD. Fast forward to a month later which saw me leaving the psychiatrists office with a pretty much unlimited supply of Dexamphetamine and a new diagnosis of ADHD. Anyways, the first time I took these pills, I felt on top of the world. My confidence soared, my work performance improved drastically to the point of becoming popular with my colleagues and having higher levels of responsibility assigned to me. Not only was I acing it at work, but I discovered when I took this drug to socialise, I became extremely likeable to the point of making loads of new friends with social events on most evenings as everyone seemed to demand my company. This was all despite my ridiculous working hrs (up to 70hrs some weeks) and postgraduate studies on the side. I discovered I only really needed to sleep 1 night out of every 3, I was super productive and all my problems were solved forever (unless the drug wore off and I became super depressed and irritable). Unfortunately, as the story goes, sadly, this effect did not last. I should have known this, but I refused to consider I could become addicted or one day build up a tolerance. That type of thing only happens to others! (Why do we always think we are somewhat special?) Roughly 6 months in, the cracks were well and truely starting to appear. I had lost my level of productivity at work where some days I would ace it and othertimes it was almost like I was a vegetable as I was no longer able to rely on 100% consistency from my Dex. People at work started noticing I was scattered and would ask if I was ok? Often I was unable to articulate myself or even string a senstance together when I hadn’t slept for 72hrs. I became so anxious and socially awkward around work colleagues that I stopped communicating, choosing to isolate myself instead. I was happier like this (or so I thought) that way I couldn’t be interrupted from my work. I would even become rude and hostile if a colleague interrupted me in an attempt to socialise and befriend me. Another thing that has happened over the course of these 2 yrs is that I have lost most of my friends, even my 2 closest friends I have known the majority of my life have stopped socialising and returning my calls. I have always made an effort to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, sadly about 6 months into my addiction, I discovered that on dex I could lift heavier weights and work out for the entire day, everyday and all day! I always had an excuse not to see friends as I did not want to miss a single hr of gym time, some days I even called sick to work so that I could exercise instead. I had a bad experience at the start of August which made me discover my problem has got out of hand. I had a huge binge on both alcohol (which I rarely drink) and Dex which made me vow never to touch the stuff again. I became super depressed to the point I actually wanted to die and have since started taking sertraline for depression and anxiety. Things started to improve mid October, I started a new job which was going fairly well and was starting to feel somewhat less depressed. The one thing that bothered me was the fatigue and rapid gain in weight as I didn’t seem motivated for the gym anymore. Surprisingly I was actually eating less, possibly due to inactivity? I don’t know what made me do this, but after realising that I was struggling to get into my trousers, I realised I really needed to exercise and get the weight off as I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. I vowed never to take Dex at this new job however, on my days off it is probably ok to use a little bit just to help motivate me and stop my excessive lethargy. I decided I would just take a little bit of Dex to get me moving again, Guess you already know where this is heading... after not being able to sleep and staying up that night, I needed Dex to get me through work the next day. My work performance that day was superb with the Dex, so I figured taking it again the next day wouldn’t hurt either. Anyways, I’m now 3 weeks in and im am back on my ridiculous high doses again. I can’t afford the luxury of having time off work like I did at my last job, in order to detox. I tried a couple of days ago to avoid taking it at work and it was almost like I had brain damage. Luckily I wasn’t sacked as I was completely incapable of performing the most basic task. When I take days off I struggle to operate a toaster, mobile phone or even spell my middle name,. Anyways, the Dex has been going well except for last night I became a bit anxious and scattered around my new colleagues. I know I have to stop it again but I won’t be able to work in the withdrawal stage as I become such a horrible person, feel physically unwell and can’t think straight. I’m anxious about losing my job, although at the same time I don’t want this drug to consume my life anymore. Has anyone got any tips? sorry for the long essay, thanks for reading, feels better to share with someone as I’ve kept this a secret from everyone up until now.
  6. My early recovery journey- 65days clean

    I wanted to share my progress after quitting cold turkey from a 2.5yr dexamphetamine addiction. As a quick reference, I was averaging 80mg of Dex a day (equiv to approx 115mg adderrall IR ) along with vyvannse and Ritalin or whatever else I could get my hands on at the time. I still have my bad days where I struggle but I don’t feel anywhere near as bad as I did a few months ago whilst I was abusing stims. I want to get the point across that it’s worth it, to anyone who might be visiting this forum in the pre-contemplative phase as I did. The first 30 days are the hardest and if I’d had access to my scripts I’m sure I would have used again as I literally couldn’t get out of bed. I never thought I’d ever get back to the gym or even be able to work again. I initially packed on a tonne of weight and my cognitive function was so poor I couldn’t construct sentences or follow conversations properly. I spent this time alone and in a vegetative state just trying to heal myself with nutritious foods and plenty of sleep. This second month has been entirely different and I’ve noticed quitting has hugely impacted on my life in a positive way. I look healthy and my physical appearance as completely changed. My acne has gone, my hair has stopped falling out, I don’t look angry/tense in the face anymore. I look younger and no longer require make up to cover the darkness under my eyes. I don’t have puffy/swollen ankles, or a flushed, red face. I don’t get scared and worried that I’m going to die either. I am back at the gym, but with a vengeance this time. I now only train 5 times a week for an hr (as opposed to living there) and I’ve started small group HIIT and circuit type classes. I couldn’t do cardio style training while on the Dex without feeling faint and had to stick to weights/strength training. I’m already back down to my original weight but actually look more fit and toned despite putting in less hrs. I’ve combined this with a healthy eating plan, whereby I’m eating more yet consuming less calories. I always craved sugars and carbs on the stims and would starve myself and then binge eat. My cortisol levels were undoubtedly through the roof. Despite causing initial weight loss, the stims will make you fat in the end. I’ve also rediscovering myself, I’m developing a new hobby around cooking and gaining a lot of inspiration from watching YouTube tutorials. I’ve even thought of undergoing a study course in nutrition. I’ve started watching documentaries in the evenings and going to sleep at a reasonable hour as opposed to mindlessly playing hrs of stupid computer games on my iPad all night. I take myself along on nice hikes on days off as opposed to laying in bed like a sick invalid. Group exercise classes, getting outdoors and a healthy diet have all been key factors in my early recovery phase and I really recommend them. Unfortnately work is a whole lot less enjoyable without drugs and it’s going to take some time to get used to working and finding motivation without my magic pills as a tool. I guess this is the general consensus amongst many of us users, I know from reading others stories, this will get a lot better in time. I’ve discovered now that I’m less hyper focused/obsessed with getting the job done, I’m making time to socialise with colleagues. Im a lot less nervous when people approach to initiate a conversation with me but my social and cognitive skills require a lot of improvement . I still come across awkward at times but now I’m discovering a new life outside of the gym and my iPad, I find I have more interesting topics I can contribute with. I’m feeling a lot more optimistic about the direction my life is headed and I don’t lie in bed thinking about how I can feed my addiction.
  7. My early recovery journey- 65days clean

    @growingupistheworst hang in there! The first week is definitely the most difficult but just know that once you are through it, it is all uphill from here. I still have my bad days where I crave my pills but now 3 months in, I can honestly say I’ve seen big improvements in my overall mental health, relationships with others and my physical health and appearance. You will feel a real sense of achievement once you discover you are no longer a slave to your pills and life will start to get better.
  8. The bad stuff that happened during your addiction

    Congratulations on reaching the 9 month mark! At least your life can now move forward in a positive direction. I’m also struggling to come to terms my behaviour and mistakes made during my addiction too. The fact that you have taken responsibility and have owned these mistakes shows that you are a good person. One thing that has really helped me to cope a bit better was coming clean about my addiction to friends and family. At least this way they could see that they weren’t to blame for all the shitty arguments and events that unfolded throughout this time. Don’t dwell on the past too much, you are not the same person you were 9 months ago and you are never too old or too young to turn your life around.
  9. Finally quitting after 4 years

    You may actually find the opposite to be true. I was also scared I wouldn’t be able to return to work. Initially I had to take a 6 week leave of absence however, I’m now at the 3 month mark and I’ve noticed that not only have my relationships with co-workers improved but I’m also faster and more productive. I still struggle with motivation without my pills but I no longer hyper-focus on one aspect of the job to the extent of missing the bigger picture. Just give yourself some time, you’ll be surprised at the brains amazing ability to re-wire and heal itself. Congratulations on taking the plunge and deciding to quit, it’s tough but you won’t regret it!
  10. Unfortunately there comes a stage when tolerance builds to the level where these drugs no longer become effective for getting work done and yield no benefit whatsoever. Unfortunately, the user continually needs to take them to ward off the negative withdrawal side effects such as sleeping 24/7. My dr also told me I couldn’t get addicted which couldn’t have been further from the truth! These pills robbed me of 2+ yrs of my life, my advice is to quit now whilst you are still ahead!
  11. How did you quit adderall taper or cold turkey?

    I tried the taper method and it caused me to feel extremely depressed as I constantly felt like I was crashing or coming down. I think I lasted a month until I just went out and binged like crazy again. This was followed by another month of heavy use before I eventually quit cold turkey. I had to leave the country to go cold turkey and take a 6 week leave of absence from work.
  12. Optimism

    I found the intense feeling of pessimism experienced during the crash far outweighed any of the short term feelings of false optimism. I think we all end up paying the price heavily for our yrs of abuse but the real optimism lies in knowing that things will eventually improve now that we are on the right track. I’ve been reminding myself about this a lot lately as I know my current work performance in this early recovery phase could cost me my job also.
  13. withdrawal side effects

    @Stirl87 I am so happy to hear that your 3rd week back at work is going well. Im also really glad to hear your social interactions are improving! You sound really optimistic in your recovery which is inspirational to hear as you are a little further along in your recovery than I am. i just realised I’m at day 40 now! I’m back home from my overseas trip and due to start work next Monday. I can honestly say I haven’t even wanted to pop pills this past week. I can not believe the physical changes I am seeing. I no longer have dark shadows under my eyes and my skin has cleared. My hair has also improved as it was becoming coarse/wiry and had been falling out, now I appear to have normal hair again!! Not sure if it’s the tan, but I look like someone who is healthy as opposed to a person who is seriously ill! I no longer feel angry and little things don’t bother me anymore. I still lack the cognitive ability to read books or interpret/remember information however, I feel this is improving slowly. I am less awkward in social situations now and am starting to feel like I want to interact with people again. quitting has been totally worth it! thanks for checking in on me
  14. withdrawal side effects

    I’m just over 3 weeks clean now and generally feeling a lot better. Over the past couple of days I’ve started experiencing this weird side effect which I think could be related to my dexamphetamine (adderral) abuse. It’s hard to describe but I occasionally get these ‘brain zaps’ associated with vertigo and mild nausea. It seems to come and go but is happening more often in the evenings. I’m still taking a low dose of Ltyosine 500mg x1 but nothing else. Has anyone else experienced this? How long does this last? Thanks
  15. withdrawal side effects

    @Stirl87 I did just have a chuckle about the irony of the name “trivia crack” so maybe I am on the road to recovery after all i think some of my depression is also attributed to not exercising as opposed to solely being amphetamine withdrawal. I’m kinda looking forward to my trip ending soon so I can get back into the gym. I’m shocked with the amount of weight I’ve gained! I’m actually having to replace clothing that fit me comfortably only 3 weeks ago! It’s just out of control! I hope your first day back at work goes smoothly. Sometimes you just gotta put yourself first before work as health matters more. Sounds like you have a good plan in place to help you get through the day smoothly and hopefully not too many emails to deal with.
  16. withdrawal side effects

    @Stirl87 that’s so great you are experiencing real emotions again as opposed to aderrall induced emotions. I can’t even remember the last time I laughed. Im Still an emotionless zombie and hoping this will improve soon. i miss being able to read books and follow conversations the most although I haven’t felt like being around people all that much this past month whilst I’m still in the early withdrawal phase. I’ve fried my brain pretty bad so it’s going to take me awhile to heal. Half the time I struggle to follow posts on this forum but it’s pretty much the only thing I’ve been able to invest any energy into right now. im amazed that you got back to work within 2 weeks! I’m so anxious about returning to work, half of me wishes I was starting back tomorrow just to get it over with so I can stop dreading It. I’ll take your advice and start becoming active again. I’m going to take a morning yoga class tomorrow and will also put the hotel gym to good use. Thanks for all your support
  17. withdrawal side effects

    @Stirl87 I’m glad to hear you managed to get back into the gym after the first month of quitting. I think I need to focus on doing the same once I fly home from my trip. I feel half the reason for my lack of energy is due to the fact I’m sitting around like a fat slug most of the time. I feel if I exercise it may give me some more energy. I’ve been doing a bit of yoga but don’t seem to enjoy it now that I’m off the Dex. Think it’s going to take my reward system a bit of time to adjust. Did you manage to quit whilst you were working? I’ve had to have 6 weeks off to deal with this. Are you finding your interpersonal skills are also improving at work? I think my biggest worry is falling out with colleagues because of my hostility and mood swings. I am still very hot tempered but way less so than I was in the AWS phase. Im also noticing my comprehension skills have become extremely poor. I’m struggling to follow conversations at times and need to re-read things constantly. It was really obvious when I took a cooking class the other day and I couldn’t even follow the basic instructions. The fact you are noticing big changes around the 3 month mark gives me a lot of inspiration to stay clean. I hope things continue to get better for you. Keep us updated
  18. Finally Opened My Eyes

    @jpdhh I can relate to the erratic breathing and GI issues. These have improved significantly 26 days into quitting. Pretty much everyone on here has experienced this and it miraculously resolved as soon as Adderrall was removed from the equation. Yes! Not psoriasis but revolting looking back acne. This seems to have disappeared completely! My skin is still dry but not as bad as it was a month ago when I was still using and it now doesn’t seem to itch as much either. good on you for taking the first step towards quitting and sharing your story on here. Keep coming back as often as you can as you will really draw a lot of motivation from visiting this forum xx
  19. Some important observations I've made about Adderall

    I can relate to EVERYTHING you have said in your post! I had to come back and re-read this tonight. These 2 points above are the ones I’m struggling with the most 26days into quitting. Anhedonia- i have reached a point over these past 2 days whereby I feel bored and underwhelmed with everything in life right now. I am not enjoying any of the things I once did and a couple of times I caught myself thinking “this would be so much more fun if I could just take a small 30mg (6 pills) of dexamphetamine”. The point you raised about not flushing the last of the pills is the one that has resonated with me the most. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do this and my intention was to physically take them all before my holiday. I was so unwell in the 2 days leading up to my flight that I just couldn’t. I know I have approximately 20 tablets in my top drawer waiting for me when I fly home. It’s enough to get me through 1 or maybe 2 days at work. It’s actually pathetic of me to be thinking like this whilst encouraging others on here to remain clean and to not give up but it’s honestly how I’ve been feeling these last couple of days. i know this shit will only get harder each time I relapse and quit until I eventually die from it. I don’t want to be that person. All the stories I’ve read from the others who are roughly around the 2-3 yr mark are generally positive and inspirational which is one of the main reasons I’m trying my hardest to hang in there and wait for this to pass and things to improve.
  20. withdrawal side effects

    @Stirl87I can’t really pinpoint what triggers these brain zaps other than to say they occur mainly in the evening. I am still experiencing them tonight and did so yesterday evening. They don’t seem to happen throughout the day anymore. ive started feeling a bit bummed out the past couple of days also. I’m roughly day 26 now and I am experiencing anhedonia with activities that I once found enjoyable. Not sure if this could be PAWS or if it’s too early. I also had a dream that I returned to work and started taking my Dexamphetamines again and that my work colleagues had discovered I was a speed addict. I haven’t really been able to shake off the bad feeling since then. I hope it’s not a glimpse into my immediate future as I am absolutely terrified about returning to work without my pills.
  21. I feel stuck, I am in hell, and I hate this....

    I wish I had some advice to give. I’m only a month into quitting so I have very limited knowledge about what works and what doesn’t. My last attempt of quitting didn’t go well and I relapsed after 2 months. I wasn’t as committed back then as I am now that the ill physical health side effects have finally taken their toll on me. It’s interesting you are more physically active off Adderrall. I found I became a gym junkie on the stims. It seems a waste to throw all your progress health wise now for the sake of Adderall. It will still be fairly easy to get back your gains if you stop now as a month off isn’t a huge amount of time. The AWS is going to suck but at least it’s only that first week or so. Get back into your health course as it will help with the motivation part. are you working at the moment? The only other thing I could suggest that might help is a road trip or a break somewhere to remove yourself from all the triggers that make you want to use. The worst thing I find about stims is the depression that goes with it. Everything appears 1000 times worse than it actually is because of this shitty drug altering our perception. You haven’t wasted your life if you haven’t achieved your goals at 30. You can totally turn things around, it’s just the stims fucking with our happiness/reward system which makes us feel like everything is doom and gloom when infact it isn’t.
  22. withdrawal side effects

    @quit-once I never noticed the search feature before. Thanks for pointing this out. @Stirl87 Thanks for your feedback, this is reassuring to know. I haven’t had any of these brain zaps today (so far) and they seemed a lot less frequent yesterday so hopefully it’s a sign it may have resolved. It just seems weird I only started getting them around the 3 week mark and not at the start. To be honest though, I was that messed up in that first week I probably wouldn’t have noticed as I was dealing with far more horrific side effects then this.
  23. Mom- 22 mo clean after 13 years

    @Kiki despite being a hell of a lot lazier and fairly inactive, I must say overall I’m feeling a lot better and my disgusting back acne has completely vanished without a trace! A few family members have actually commented that I am looking a lot trimmer in my holiday snaps. I’m certainly eating a lot more but it’s all fresh organic produce as opposed to the highly processed crap I was consuming before I quit. I’m wondering if the weight gain is more mental than anything? Guess I’ll know when I step back on the scales in 2 weeks time. If becoming fat is what it takes to quit then I best start shopping for some new clothes! I practically own nothing that isn’t active wear
  24. What's the craziest thing you did on Adderall?

    I shudder when I think about the hrs and hrs I would waste scrubbing the grout between the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush or cleaning my desk fan with a cotton swab. I used to research online about various cleaning products, I even purchased a step ladder so I could vacuum my ceiling. Up until 3 weeks ago, I used to think this behaviour was ‘normal’.
  25. Happiness and Chasing Dopamine

    Well done! I’m happy to hear you guys are making good progress. It gives me inspiration to stay clean despite how challenging this is for me.