I also would like to add, about your time lost. I too lost all of my 20s being my authentic self because I was too cracked out being isolated and organizing and perfecting and basically being a robot exhibiting insane behavior (at the time, I thought I was getting stuff done and being my best self— that’s how delusional the drug makes you). When i first quit, I was completely overwhelmed and devastated by the reality of what had happened. It felt like I had lived in a fog for the prior decade. I was completely heart broken at my life choice to remain on this drug for so long. For many, many months, I grieved all the time wasted, lost, friendships lost, good times not had, experiences not lived, trips not taken, challenges not met, the list goes on, and on, and on. Eventually, I let it go. But that took time. You are feeling regret, and that is normal. Allow yourself those feelings. They feel sad, and uncomfortable. But they will eventually pass, and you will eventually forgive yourself as you start to heal, and you will eventually let it go when you are ready.
Hey there. I can relate to your story almost to a T. Never textbook ADD, no problems in school, got into NYU without adderall, creative, day dreamer type, complacent being lazy too and just pondering my thoughts and creative ideas. The only difference in our stories would be I started my use as a sophomore in college and continued until age 30. I am now 32 and have been off for a couple months over 2 years. I think part of the reason I became so addicted to and in love with adderall was I felt that it “fixed” the parts of me that needed fixing. Made me super task oriented, felt bulletproof, my delicate sensitivities were suddenly overridden with an enormous sense of ego, it basically perverted everything sensitive and beautiful about me that made me me. I now see that in hindsight. i think there is a real appeal of this drug for people like us, and this is why it can be so easy to “fall in love” with it, and so painfully hard to quit it. I too was on a daily dosage of 30 mg. Never took any off days. Not Christmas, not sunday, never. Ever. Not in 10+ years. I didn’t know how to function or who I was without the little blue pills telling me how to think and be. Its been a grueling last 2+ years for me, internally. Everything you described is completely what happens for a good amount of time. You are going to have to get reaccustomed to emotions on your emotions terms. Youre in the right place, and you’re doing the right thing if you feel you lost a very important part of you by taking this drug. I know that was my experience. Im here if you want to chat more. Xx