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About BK99

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  1. Day 215 - I feel like the fog is slowly lifting. That’s all I got for today. (:
  2. Good luck! I think it’s a good idea you are taking a month off. I was on the drug for about a decade as well. The first month detoxing isn’t pretty. I was bedridden for at least a month. I could barely shower those days. The second month started to get better. Soldier through that first month and power on!!
  3. Day 209 - A positive for today - I think my appetite has finally returned to normal. I don’t know about everyone else, but in the first six months of recovery I had a crazy ravenous appetite. In the last few weeks, I’ve noticed my appetite returning to normal human levels. This is a good thing...a very good thing. One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with in the last few years has been weight. The amphetamines stopped giving the desired weight loss effect about 3-4 years ago.
  4. Day 205 - I can’t lie - I am really struggling this week. I’m working 35-40 hour weeks and I don’t have any energy to go to the gym as well. I’m on my feet most of the day and I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I wish I never met Adderall. It still feels like it’s destroying me. Tough Friday. Hope everyone else is doing well.
  5. What motivates you to stay clean?

    On days I was taking 100mg of Adderall, my blood pressure was at emergency room levels - really, really high. As much as I am still struggling right now, having to worry about having a stroke or heart attack isn’t high up on my list anymore like it was when I was poppin.
  6. Day 199 - I’m laying in bed right now. It’s my first day off from work in about a week. My mind wants to go for a hike, but my body is saying please God, no. I may stay in bed all day today. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow...
  7. Day 195 - Goodness gracious, I’ve been staying busy with my new job. The job is physically demanding - involves a lot of running around. Every time I start a shift, I think to myself, “This would be easier on Adderall.” I work with a lot of younger kids. I’ve completed a few 10-12 hour shifts. Yesterday I was so tired from my 10 hour shift the day before that I felt “bolted” to my bed until about noon. I was THAT tired. I’m hoping this is all good for me...
  8. Day 188 - I miss that morning burst of energy from my little orange pills. I’ve been romanticizing a lot about the pills this past week. My depression isn’t too bad right now, my energy levels are just crazy low. Blehh
  9. Day 185 - I survived my first day of work yesterday. It’s a fast paced work environment. I can’t believe how physically tired I was after work. I was so tired today doing nothing, it was insane.
  10. Day 183 - I’m starting to think I need to try the WellButrin route again. I’m really struggling energy wise. I can barely get to the gym this week because I’m so fatigued. All I’ve been doing most days is laying in bed watching TV. Work starts tomorrow. God help me.
  11. Day 182 - I am craving amphetamines badly today. I’m lucky I live in a place where they are regulated heavily, because if they were sold over the counter or like liquor, I’d have bought and taken them today. ):
  12. Day 180 - I’ve been looking forward to this day. Six months clean off of amphetamines... Never thought I’d make it this far. Now I’m in the limelight cause I rhyme tight. (Biggie, anyone?!) I can’t lie. These first six months have been hell on earth, but what is going to take me through the next six months are those little slivers of natural happiness and hope that I experienced a few times. Gotta stay positive....
  13. Day 176 - Looking forward to orientation at my new job today. I hope this part-time job puts me in the right direction. I am in a good place mentally today. I hope I have more mornings like this..
  14. Day 173 - I’m starting to think I need to do something about my depression. It has been BAD this past week, and no amount of “keeping myself busy” has helped it. I might stick it out a little longer, but I’m having a very hard time mentally and emotionally right now. Has anyone else experienced crippling depression and anxiety around the 6 month mark? How did you deal with it?
  15. Day 172 - I’m reflecting this morning about how slow these days go by without speed. Part of me misses that running around and being so self absorbed in what I am doing...no time to think about others and how they affected me. Now that I am off the drugs, the days move so slowly and I am not as self absorbed into what I am doing. I feel like I am not able to brush off the actions of others anymore. I hate being so emotional. I miss the numb feeling. But.... I don’t miss the psychosis. I don’t miss my blood pressure being at emergency room levels. I don’t miss being up for 3 days at a time tweaking out. I don’t miss trying to ration my pills each month, and always failing. I don’t miss being completely bed-ridden for at least a week each month because I was out of pills. I just need to remind myself of these things...