BK99

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About BK99

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  1. Frank, thanks for sharing your diet options. I will definitely be referring to it next time I go to the grocery store.
  2. Day 57 - I feel like complete and utter crap today. I barely had any energy to shower. I told my husband this morning that “maybe I just need to be on stimulants for the rest of my life like our friend Nancy”. After I said this, I felt sick and started to reflect about the worst days of my addiction. I felt ashamed. On days where I was running on little sleep, I definitely had stimulant induced schizophrenia. It’s not something I really like to bring up but it helps me not want to return to the drugs. I never talk about this psychological effect because it’s embarrassing. There were days when I felt a cult was after me because every person I was meeting in real life was from or lived in Ohio (I live in the Northeast). I believe it was just a crazy coincidence but it sent my brain into a frightening, dark overdrive. Any time I saw anything related to Ohio in real life, I thought people were after me. This is just one example that is depressing to think about. I am thankful for the people who have contributed to this thread so far.
  3. Sean, I know you don’t mean to be discouraging. How long did you relapse for. Didn’t you make a post recently about this?
  4. TLNJ2, Thank you for the positive message. It made me feel a little bit better. Sean, I’m sorry the journey is still rough after almost 2 years. I fear the same.
  5. Day 56 - I’m officially 8 weeks clean from this drug. I just exercised for an hour, but now I feel useless. I have NO energy and will probably stay in bed for the rest of the day watching TV. I’m starting to grow tired of being tired and having no energy. I keep reading posts about people being over one year clean and still feeling like sh*#. This scares me, discourages me, and makes me feel hopeless. Bleh
  6. Day 54 - I’ve been finding Monday mornings to be the hardest transition. I was so used to popping a pill to get me motivated and going each morning. I always made sure I had pills on Monday. I’m inching closer to beating my first attempt at quitting Adderall. I made it to 100 days last year, but it came with some terrible consequences. I gained 40+ pounds because I was extremely depressed (from my father dying and the drugs..double whammy). I wasn’t doing anything at that time to better myself because I was too busy taking care of my beloved dad who I KNOW would be so proud of me for attempting this again. This time around I’ve only gained a few pounds because I’ve been working my ass off at the gym and jogging. I’m also trying to eat healthier, but food is a weakness. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only “treat” I have left. I hope everyone has a good week. We can do this.
  7. Day 52 - Today I feel as though I’ve been hit by a truck. Last night, I experienced an hour where I felt like a normal person with natural energy. It was short-lived, but I feel as though this little “peephole” will widen as the days go on if I stay off the drugs.
  8. Moving cities

    I am also a musician. I sang in my first open mic last year. It was terrifying!! I’ve been playing piano and drums every day. It’s one of the only things I can focus on for 10 minutes at a time without the addies. I’m hoping to get back in the open mic scene this year! What do you think made you relapse after 18 months?
  9. Kimber, Thank you for the uplifting response. I’ve been trying to give myself a huge break on everything, but some days, like today, that VOICE in my head is so loud.
  10. Day 49 - PAWS sucks. I can barely keep my eyes open this morning. I’m awake but feeling sluggish as hell. I miss the instant boost from Adderall. All I feel right now is a heavy fog while walking on the treadmill. My house is an absolute mess and I have no energy to clean it. This bothers me..baah
  11. Thank you, Eric. I needed to hear this today! I tried quitting last year and made it to about 100 days, but I couldn’t have picked a crappier time. My father fell seriously ill and passed away during that time. I gained 40+ pounds then due to depression and withdrawals. I ended up back on amps for 11 months and here I am now hoping it will be different this second time around..
  12. Hi DC, I am in this right there with you. Our situation seems pretty similar. While driving this morning, I broke down because of the PAWS. The anhedonia is absolutely crippling right now. I feel heartbroken that my love for playing music is absent since coming off the drugs (I sing, play piano and drums). I guess I need to vent about it. I am so scared that the worst is still yet to come. Good job on 60 days. That is NO small feat. How has your wife been? I hope she’s been supporting your journey through this hell that we are facing. People have no idea what it’s like to come off amphetamines when you’ve been on them for a decade. I gave up alcohol two years ago, and it doesn’t even COMPARE to this hell. I own my own business and it’s really taking a hit right now, but my focus is on getting better. I’d rather be broke if it meant feeling better than I do now. Most days it is too exhausting to even sit upright in a chair to do work. The only thing I am able to complete is going to the gym an hour each day, and even that is excruciating. The days have been going by so slow since coming off the drugs. I have tried seeing therapists, but they haven’t been much help. I feel very alone in this battle most days. I am hoping to make a friend or two myself. Today has been one of my worst days and I am so scared of the days ahead.
  13. Day 47..yawning all morning..no energy..I want my mommy. This will probably turn into my diary lol
  14. Committed to quitting adderall today

    I wonder how your friend was able to obtain multiple prescriptions. Pharmacies have systems that can track this action down right away. Good luck in your recovery. You were taking what we would call a “baby dose” each day of Adderall. It’s probably a good thing you’re quitting now. You can do it!