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About BK99

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  1. Day 185 - I survived my first day of work yesterday. It’s a fast paced work environment. I can’t believe how physically tired I was after work. I was so tired today doing nothing, it was insane.
  2. Day 183 - I’m starting to think I need to try the WellButrin route again. I’m really struggling energy wise. I can barely get to the gym this week because I’m so fatigued. All I’ve been doing most days is laying in bed watching TV. Work starts tomorrow. God help me.
  3. Day 182 - I am craving amphetamines badly today. I’m lucky I live in a place where they are regulated heavily, because if they were sold over the counter or like liquor, I’d have bought and taken them today. ):
  4. Day 180 - I’ve been looking forward to this day. Six months clean off of amphetamines... Never thought I’d make it this far. Now I’m in the limelight cause I rhyme tight. (Biggie, anyone?!) I can’t lie. These first six months have been hell on earth, but what is going to take me through the next six months are those little slivers of natural happiness and hope that I experienced a few times. Gotta stay positive....
  5. Day 176 - Looking forward to orientation at my new job today. I hope this part-time job puts me in the right direction. I am in a good place mentally today. I hope I have more mornings like this..
  6. Day 173 - I’m starting to think I need to do something about my depression. It has been BAD this past week, and no amount of “keeping myself busy” has helped it. I might stick it out a little longer, but I’m having a very hard time mentally and emotionally right now. Has anyone else experienced crippling depression and anxiety around the 6 month mark? How did you deal with it?
  7. Day 172 - I’m reflecting this morning about how slow these days go by without speed. Part of me misses that running around and being so self absorbed in what I am doing...no time to think about others and how they affected me. Now that I am off the drugs, the days move so slowly and I am not as self absorbed into what I am doing. I feel like I am not able to brush off the actions of others anymore. I hate being so emotional. I miss the numb feeling. But.... I don’t miss the psychosis. I don’t miss my blood pressure being at emergency room levels. I don’t miss being up for 3 days at a time tweaking out. I don’t miss trying to ration my pills each month, and always failing. I don’t miss being completely bed-ridden for at least a week each month because I was out of pills. I just need to remind myself of these things...
  8. I tried tapering. It lasted about two weeks before I was forced to go cold turkey because my pdoc quit without notice. I don’t know if I would have been able to taper down for months. My self control isn’t the best...
  9. Day 171 - I’m currently experiencing a very rough stretch. I feel almost as crappy as I did in month one. I hope this passes.
  10. I haven’t had a drink in about 3 weeks, so I’m steadily getting back on that wagon. I agree. Drinking exacerbated the crap out of my anxiety and depression...worse than it ever has in the past. I have 0 drinks or 16; there’s no in between for me either. I made some really poor decisions during my last bender, so I think I’m gonna be off the sauce for awhile. Just thinking about how much I embarrassed the f*ck out myself is enough for me right now. No desire at the current moment....
  11. @whosthisguyI just scored a part-time dream job, so I won’t be sitting around as much anymore. I’m very excited! And you’re right, it was very hard getting depressed on speed. Now I’m paying for it. We all have that cross to bear.
  12. I appreciate your concern, but I’m 99% certain my mental state has to do with Adderall withdrawals. I was on amphetamines for 10 years and never felt depressed on them too badly during that time. I haven’t even hit the 6 month mark of being off them, so I’m going to ride out my current state for a little while longer before jumping on antidepressants again.
  13. Day 168 - I have two interviews for low paying part-time jobs today. I can’t stand laying around the house doing nothing anymore. I’m hoping I get at least one of these jobs. I wish I had more energy to get ready and shower for these interviews, buuuut I don’t.
  14. Day 165 - I am so overwhelmed with everything that I have to do that I am choosing to do nothing for yet another day. I feel zapped of any and all energy today. It’s not a good day.
  15. Way to go cleaning out your closet, Drew! I’m not ready for that massive task yet! Hopefully I will be some day!