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Everything posted by BK99

  1. Day 274 - I am going to force myself out of the house today to engage in some retail therapy. It’s been years since I have bought work clothes in person. I’m still waiting on blood results...
  2. Feeling very frustrated after this morning’s doctor appointment. I have white coat syndrome, which means my blood pressure instantly skyrockets anytime I am in a doctor’s office setting. I told my doctor this. My blood pressure was 150/100 at the start and end of the visit. My pulse was 83. When I saw her 9 months ago for my EKG, my BP was 155/123 with a pulse of 112. (I had popped a Vyvanse that morning.) Improvement regardless of white coat syndrome, right? She wanted to put me on blood pressure medication for the rest of my life starting today. This instantly crushed me and I walked out to my car crying. BP meds are serious. If you stop taking them, you’re at risk for a stroke. Super. I took BP readings the rest of the day, and it slowly came down. My reading is 104/61 just now. I have to go for a bunch of bloodwork tomorrow and send her my BP readings that she probably doesn’t believe at the end of the week. Just not feeling the best right now. To go 9 months without this drug and have no current relief is depressing. To go through this roller coaster of energy from just alright to not being able to get out of bed is exhausting. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like I’m drowning and everything is piling up around me. My husband asked me when dinner would be ready just now and I nearly lost it. I don’t have the energy for any of this. Sadly, I have fallen back into a dark ring, where the only thing bringing me joy right now is food. This is a bad place to be.
  3. Day 272 - Leaving for the doc soon. Nervous, but excited more than anything to see what my blood pressure will be. I think the last time I was there, it was something like 185/120..which is a hypertensive crisis, and just plain alarming. @ericThank you (and your wife) for the well wishes! It’s nice to have that kind of support. I will check in later, folks!
  4. Day 271, Part II - I’m a bit nervous right now. I am seeing my pcp tomorrow morning. I am going to be 100% honest with her about what’s been going on. I’ve been extremely weak/fatigued the last couple of months. I’m nearing a year clean off of amphetamines. This is the same doctor who did an EKG on me during the last month of my amphetamine use. I guess I’m just terrified that I’ve done long term damage to my heart from all the years I spent on this drug. I guess I could just use some positive thoughts and well wishes right now. I’m terrified.
  5. Day 271 - Well, I hit the 9 month mark - a full-term freakin’ baby, yo. I feel like shit today. I’ve been sleeping like crap the last few days, and slept in until about noon today. I had an interview for a job on Friday that I’d really like. They haven’t called me back yet. Meh...
  6. Day 266 - Haven’t had the energy to do much in recent weeks - bedridden really. I’m having a really tough time at the 9 month mark. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a boost to get me out of bed. Maybe my appointment with my pcp next week will help in some way. I hope it does.
  7. Day 260 - I saw one of my former shrinks yesterday, but not for the reason you might think... Earlier in the day, I had a pretty bad fight with my husband. A lot of it was based around how little I get done around the house since starting my recovery. I told him I thought I would be feeling better by this point in the journey and that I thought I would have more energy, but the reality is I just don’t. I also told him I could go back on Adderall and everything around the house would get done, including meals every day. The only downside is that I would probably have a heart attack before I turn 40, considering my BP was always around 180/120 during my last days of amphetamine use. Cue dinner time, I suggest we go out and get a pizza because, like most days, I didn’t have the energy to cook. We start walking towards the pizza joint, and there I see one of my former shrinks that fed me Adderall for 4-5 years. She knows me well. I turn to my husband in a panic and tell him we cannot go in because my former shrink was walking in ahead of us. He completely understood. If I had talked to that woman for even 2 minutes, she would have given me a card to set up an appointment with her. She’s convincing. I just find it crazy that on one of my hardest days, I see a person I really didn’t need to see. I dodged a bullet.
  8. 15 Months (457 Days) Clean

    I’m 9 months into recovery and feeling like crap. Your post brings me hope. Thank you!
  9. Day 257 - I wonder what it is about the 9 month mark that is so hard? I’m laying here in bed contemplating calling my doctor because there is so much I want to do, I just don’t have the energy to get up and do it. @ericYou might be jealous of the time I have under my belt, but I feel so sh*tty right now, to the point of being angry because I feel like this should be better by now. Thank you for sharing about your friend. Maybe there is hope and those are the words I needed to hear right now!!
  10. Day 255 - I feel like I’ve hit a wall in my recovery. I feel like I have the energy levels that I had during month two of my recovery. It’s gotten so bad that my husband believes I should be tested for Lyme Disease because I’ve spent a lot of time outdoors this summer. Idk..maybe it’s just depression? I just hate walking into my office and seeing a monstrosity of sh*t everywhere. Cleaning is such a boring task when you aren’t on Adderall. My office would be somewhat clean if I still had those pills, buuut... Yesterday two police cruisers were parked in front of my house. I reflected a lot during these 30 minutes. If this happened a year ago, I would have been freaking out thinking the cops were out to get me or that I was in trouble or danger for something. Instead, my normal self without Adderall was calm, cool, and collected. I even went outside to bring in my trash barrels just to see what was going on... (The police were dealing with an issue at the house across the street.) Just trying to find a positive everytime I post a negative about this process....
  11. @eric I am always so humbled by the people wondering how I’m doing because they have kept up with my posts on this journey. (: Day 252 - It’s been 252 days since I have put any type of amphetamine in my mouth. Unfortunately I’m not perfect and I’ve had some serious slip ups with alcohol in the last few months. I made a complete ass out of myself and lost a very good friend in the process. I am 7 days sober from alcohol, and yes, I know I need to go to AA. I’ve been pretty much bedridden since my friend cut me out of his life a week ago. I’m falling back into a depression. I feel like I don’t have very many friends, so any time I lose one, it’s a crippling blow that sets me back severely. So I’m going through a very tough patch right now..but I’m so proud of myself for staying off of amphetamines. I’ve thought about going on antidepressants again, but the thought of sitting in another shrink’s chair frightens me. Why? I know words will be coming out of my mouth such as: “I’m having trouble focusing” and “I do great on ADHD medication.” I just can’t do that. I can’t. I won’t. I refuse to go down that road right now. The good news is that I’ve lost 20 pounds since quitting, so those of you scared over the sedentary, quick weight gain that happens right when you quit...you’ll be rewarded if you stick it out over 6 months. Another bit of good news: My husband and I played our first music gig as a duo last weekend and it was amazing to get out there. I feel like my anhedonia isn’t too bad when it comes to music lately, so I’m holding onto that and looking forward to playing out more. Thank you to everyone who reads my posts. I always feel better after writing. I will probably be posting more now that I’m in between jobs. (: To anyone wanting a solitary ear, please don’t hesitate to send me a PM. I have quite a bit of downtime these days and could use the human interactions!
  12. Day 215 - I feel like the fog is slowly lifting. That’s all I got for today. (:
  13. Good luck! I think it’s a good idea you are taking a month off. I was on the drug for about a decade as well. The first month detoxing isn’t pretty. I was bedridden for at least a month. I could barely shower those days. The second month started to get better. Soldier through that first month and power on!!
  14. Day 209 - A positive for today - I think my appetite has finally returned to normal. I don’t know about everyone else, but in the first six months of recovery I had a crazy ravenous appetite. In the last few weeks, I’ve noticed my appetite returning to normal human levels. This is a good thing...a very good thing. One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with in the last few years has been weight. The amphetamines stopped giving the desired weight loss effect about 3-4 years ago.
  15. Day 205 - I can’t lie - I am really struggling this week. I’m working 35-40 hour weeks and I don’t have any energy to go to the gym as well. I’m on my feet most of the day and I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I wish I never met Adderall. It still feels like it’s destroying me. Tough Friday. Hope everyone else is doing well.
  16. What motivates you to stay clean?

    On days I was taking 100mg of Adderall, my blood pressure was at emergency room levels - really, really high. As much as I am still struggling right now, having to worry about having a stroke or heart attack isn’t high up on my list anymore like it was when I was poppin.
  17. Day 199 - I’m laying in bed right now. It’s my first day off from work in about a week. My mind wants to go for a hike, but my body is saying please God, no. I may stay in bed all day today. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow...
  18. Day 195 - Goodness gracious, I’ve been staying busy with my new job. The job is physically demanding - involves a lot of running around. Every time I start a shift, I think to myself, “This would be easier on Adderall.” I work with a lot of younger kids. I’ve completed a few 10-12 hour shifts. Yesterday I was so tired from my 10 hour shift the day before that I felt “bolted” to my bed until about noon. I was THAT tired. I’m hoping this is all good for me...
  19. Day 188 - I miss that morning burst of energy from my little orange pills. I’ve been romanticizing a lot about the pills this past week. My depression isn’t too bad right now, my energy levels are just crazy low. Blehh
  20. Day 185 - I survived my first day of work yesterday. It’s a fast paced work environment. I can’t believe how physically tired I was after work. I was so tired today doing nothing, it was insane.
  21. Day 183 - I’m starting to think I need to try the WellButrin route again. I’m really struggling energy wise. I can barely get to the gym this week because I’m so fatigued. All I’ve been doing most days is laying in bed watching TV. Work starts tomorrow. God help me.
  22. Day 182 - I am craving amphetamines badly today. I’m lucky I live in a place where they are regulated heavily, because if they were sold over the counter or like liquor, I’d have bought and taken them today. ):
  23. Day 180 - I’ve been looking forward to this day. Six months clean off of amphetamines... Never thought I’d make it this far. Now I’m in the limelight cause I rhyme tight. (Biggie, anyone?!) I can’t lie. These first six months have been hell on earth, but what is going to take me through the next six months are those little slivers of natural happiness and hope that I experienced a few times. Gotta stay positive....
  24. Day 176 - Looking forward to orientation at my new job today. I hope this part-time job puts me in the right direction. I am in a good place mentally today. I hope I have more mornings like this..
  25. Day 173 - I’m starting to think I need to do something about my depression. It has been BAD this past week, and no amount of “keeping myself busy” has helped it. I might stick it out a little longer, but I’m having a very hard time mentally and emotionally right now. Has anyone else experienced crippling depression and anxiety around the 6 month mark? How did you deal with it?