BK99

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Everything posted by BK99

  1. Day 172 - I’m reflecting this morning about how slow these days go by without speed. Part of me misses that running around and being so self absorbed in what I am doing...no time to think about others and how they affected me. Now that I am off the drugs, the days move so slowly and I am not as self absorbed into what I am doing. I feel like I am not able to brush off the actions of others anymore. I hate being so emotional. I miss the numb feeling. But.... I don’t miss the psychosis. I don’t miss my blood pressure being at emergency room levels. I don’t miss being up for 3 days at a time tweaking out. I don’t miss trying to ration my pills each month, and always failing. I don’t miss being completely bed-ridden for at least a week each month because I was out of pills. I just need to remind myself of these things...
  2. I tried tapering. It lasted about two weeks before I was forced to go cold turkey because my pdoc quit without notice. I don’t know if I would have been able to taper down for months. My self control isn’t the best...
  3. Day 171 - I’m currently experiencing a very rough stretch. I feel almost as crappy as I did in month one. I hope this passes.
  4. I haven’t had a drink in about 3 weeks, so I’m steadily getting back on that wagon. I agree. Drinking exacerbated the crap out of my anxiety and depression...worse than it ever has in the past. I have 0 drinks or 16; there’s no in between for me either. I made some really poor decisions during my last bender, so I think I’m gonna be off the sauce for awhile. Just thinking about how much I embarrassed the f*ck out myself is enough for me right now. No desire at the current moment....
  5. @whosthisguyI just scored a part-time dream job, so I won’t be sitting around as much anymore. I’m very excited! And you’re right, it was very hard getting depressed on speed. Now I’m paying for it. We all have that cross to bear.
  6. I appreciate your concern, but I’m 99% certain my mental state has to do with Adderall withdrawals. I was on amphetamines for 10 years and never felt depressed on them too badly during that time. I haven’t even hit the 6 month mark of being off them, so I’m going to ride out my current state for a little while longer before jumping on antidepressants again.
  7. Day 168 - I have two interviews for low paying part-time jobs today. I can’t stand laying around the house doing nothing anymore. I’m hoping I get at least one of these jobs. I wish I had more energy to get ready and shower for these interviews, buuuut I don’t.
  8. Day 165 - I am so overwhelmed with everything that I have to do that I am choosing to do nothing for yet another day. I feel zapped of any and all energy today. It’s not a good day.
  9. Way to go cleaning out your closet, Drew! I’m not ready for that massive task yet! Hopefully I will be some day!
  10. Day 162 - I finished the 20 page job application that I said I was going to finish AND I emailed the manager about the job position this morning. Can we all admit that these are some superpower hero accomplishments for someone no longer on the Addies? (No worries. I have already patted myself on the back.)
  11. Day 160 - I feel like the fog is lighter than 3 months ago. I’m still struggling HARD, but I feel like my head has a little more clarity if that make sense? All I know is I DO NOT want to go through this again. I know it would be just like alcohol where I think I can moderate my intake one minute, then I’m pounding 14 shots or 14 pills down my mouth the next minute. I got a little bit discouraged yesterday filling out a 20 page job application. All I could think was if I had Adderall, I’d be able to bang out the application in one sitting. I got about half of the application done, and I am hoping to finish it today. I have lost a couple pounds. Maybe my metabolism is starting to reward me again since I’ve been hitting the gym hard and trying to not eat sh*t. Day 160 is starting off on a positive note!
  12. DC, I am so happy to see this. I am also happy that there is someone out in the world with the same Adderall background as me. This fight gets lonely. Let’s stay in touch! I hope you have more mini break-throughs! Have a great day today! (:
  13. Day 157 - My energy was low per usual today, but I was actually able to focus on a boring, mandatory task for 30 minutes. I don’t think I have focused on anything other than TV and exercise for the last 6 months, so this little bit excited me today. It’s sad, but I think I saw a little bit of light today with that task..
  14. Day 153 - I’m sitting on a bike at the gym again. I’m really having one of those existential type days where I’m wondering how did I get to this place in my life? I have destroyed several relationships due to my addictions (as I’m sure many of you can relate). I wish I could wake up one day and not be an addict, but I AM one and will ALWAYS be one. And guess what? I can sit here and say addiction doesn’t define my life like some people do. But that would be a flat out lie. Addiction has primarily defined my life for the past decade whether I like it or not.. ...and now “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John has come on my shuffle. How poetic. I’m not at the liquor store, or a pdoc getting Adderall, or on the street getting drugs. It’s a good day. One day at a time...
  15. Tiredofit

    Take that step, baby!!!!
  16. Day 152 - I am sitting here on a bike at the gym writing this. I was feeling like sh*t this morning and realized I hadn’t done any sort of physical activity since Wednesday. I’m thinking I will spend a little longer here so I don’t end up at a liquor store. My spirits aren’t the best lately, but I’m hoping this will all pass. My husband doesn’t think I should go back on antidepressants again, but I might have to if I continue feeling this way.... I’d like to add a plus for today - about 2 months ago, I would write these daily journals entries on this forum and say to myself “WoW! I can’t believe I was able to write a paragraph without the aid of Adderall.” I don’t say that to myself anymore..so I think that’s progress?
  17. I wonder why the anxiety is so bad at the 5-6 month mark..? Coincidence.. or we are settling into the fact that life is a piling up in front of us and we don’t have Adderall to help us?
  18. Day 151 - Happy to be on the first day of month 6 and happy to be 2 days sober from booze. Yesterday was hell and I’m happy it’s over. My anxiety isn’t as bad today as it was yesterday. Happy Easter everyone!!
  19. SamJo, are those all prescription medications? I’ve never heard on them. Day 150 - 5 months clean off Adderall. One day clean off alcohol. What a f*cking loser I am. Alcohol destroys my mental and emotional state in a way that I am absolutely crippled with anxiety right now. I’m just trying to get through the day. I’m having a really hard time watching the mess pile up around me. I want to cry. I want to scream. This has been one of the worst days weeks so far, but I think that’s mainly due to the alcohol. Gotta get back on that wagon...
  20. I took WellButrin for a month. I was getting terrible panic attacks during that time. I’m not sure if it was related, but deep down I just want to rid myself of all drugs. I’m hoping the depression subsides in the months to come...
  21. Day 147 - Happy Hump Day, everyone! I will be hitting the 5 month mark this Saturday. I’d like to say I’m at the butterflies and unicorns stage, but I feel the same now as I did in month 2. I could barely complete a 2 hour drive yesterday without falling asleep at the wheel. It’s so discouraging. Family is starting to “worry” about me because I’m noticeably exhausted all the time, which is sort of nice that my struggle is finally being noticed. Only my husband and one other person know that I quit amphetamines 5 months ago and this is why I feel this way. I’m just hoping things change when I hit the year mark. I hope I don’t feel like I do now...
  22. Finally quitting after 4 years

    There’s good news: You were only on Adderall for 4 years, so you may have a quicker time adjusting to life without it than I am. I was on it for over a decade and I’m almost 5 months clean. It stinks, but taking 100mg of Adderall a day was completely destroying me - and killing me. Good for you for taking action now!
  23. Day 145 - Energy is so damn low today. My mood isn’t terrible. My Adderall cravings were off the charts this morning.
  24. Day 143 - I’m pretty sure this is all PAWS. I guess this is what happens when you’ve been feeding your face with pills for a decade. The weekends tend to be easier because my husband is here to distract me, so that is my good news for today. Hope everyone out there is fighting the good fight...even if it’s in the confines of your beds. I love anyone and everyone who knows what this fight is like. (143 - I love you!) I also encourage any and all to PM me. I’m always looking for new friends. I love connecting with people who understand this fight. I’m finding it so hard to make and keep friends these days. I guess this is what your 30s are like...
  25. Day 142 - If I hear one more person tell me I need a better routine and I won’t be so depressed, I’ll f*cking lose it. I’m so tired of people not understanding this battle. Listening would be better than giving me sh*tty advice. I’m grateful for these forums. I just feel so hopeless and helpless this week.