BK99

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Everything posted by BK99

  1. Mark, I needed this hopeful message today, so I thank you tremendously. I have another interview this week and I’m not feeling ready. I know I need a change of scenery when it comes to work, though. I’m scared that I’m going to have many triggers at this job because I used Adderall to better my work, not get high. I’ve just been getting a little tired of seeing posts from people that have been off Adderall for years and still feel like crap. I’m not looking for people to sugarcoat things, but seeing some of these posts has been a very, very tough pill to swallow. Thank you for the hope.
  2. Mark, When is the last time you took Adderall? I’m happy to hear you had a 3 day stretch of feeling normal. I just keep thinking about how long I’ve been off Adderall and it’s hardly any time at all! Time is moving so slowly...
  3. Jason, No worries. You are not hijacking. I’d be lying if I said staying thin wasn’t one of the greatest aspects of taking Adderall. I loved how effortless it was to stay thin on the drug. None of my clothes fit either. I love eating now and it sucks. I’ve put on 25+ pounds in the past year trying to quit Adderall. I’m only 5’1’’ so it’s embarrassing to present myself to people who haven’t seen me in awhile. I will continue busting my ass at the gym and try to make better food choices. Hopefully I will level off soon, and hopefully lose some weight. I’ll deal with the weight gain if it means getting past the hell I am in right now.
  4. Day 109 - I went to my interview the other day and I’m thinking I didn’t get the job. This is a relief because I don’t think I am anywhere close to being able to handle the demands of this kind of job yet. I like Sundays, because it’s always been a lazy sloth kind of day even when I was on Adderall. I usually didn’t take pills on Sunday.
  5. New day, same results.

    I will say one thing: I understand that addiction affects everyone, but unless you are an addict yourself, you will NEVER, and I mean NEVER, understand our daily struggles.
  6. Experience smoking meth

    I’m right there with you. I should probably avoid bars, but I have a passion for music...and guess where most of that takes place? Bars.
  7. Day 105 - Just another day and yippee-ay-yoh-cayay I feel like crap. I ran a mile this morning and I have an interview tomorrow that I will probably crap can.
  8. Experience smoking meth

    It’s only one day, Sean. I hope you’re back to a clean break, today. I’ve always been curious how meth compares to Adderall. Thanks for sharing this.
  9. Loss of smell/taste?

    I’m almost 4 months in withdrawal and I was thinking to myself that all the Triscuit flavors I’ve been having taste the same.
  10. I don’t feel as bad as day 5, but I hate to say I feel no different than say, day 40 or day 50 and it really sucks. I’m having a really hard time staying motivated as I am self-loathing most days. The only thing that has helped me cope is being self-employed and having no kids. I don’t really have to get out of bed each day.
  11. Thanks for the check-in, Jason! Thank God for Netflix, Hulu, and Prime. I can usually find something worth watching. I feel like my choices have been slimming down since quitting Adderall because I have watched soooooo much TV these past 4 months, it’s insane.
  12. Day 102 - Feel like crap today..I don’t think I can even bring myself to the gym today. It’s a TV in bed all day sort of day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
  13. I’m focusing on a positive for today - I am a musician. Whenever I get the motivation to play for 10 minutes here and there post Adderall, my execution has been stronger and smoother. When I was on Adderall, some amount of anxiety would always be present....and 9 times out of 10, I would have the Adderall jitters while playing. Even though the anhedonia sucks right now, I’m loving the fact that I can play the piano and drums without my hands trembling like a tweeker.
  14. Day 101 - I’ve rediscovered my love for sugar free Red Bull. I know it’s not the healthiest, but I find it takes the edge off some days.
  15. @SeanW - I’m so glad to hear that getting up to go for a jog was pretty much all you could do in the first 6 months. Now I don’t feel so pathetic. If this were a more physical illness, no one would question me. Because it’s amphetamine recovery, people have started to wonder why I have gone AWOL. How far along are you now and what do your days look like? @Mark S - I’m happy to hear you are back to work after 8 months...and I’m happy you find strength in these threads. There are times I feel hesitant to post because I feel so whiny but it’s what I’m feeling at the time. Writing it down almost always makes me feel better.
  16. Today I am feeling so deflated. I think I’ve watched every title on Netflix worth watching. Sedentary activities are all I can bring myself to do. What else is there to do? I don’t really know if I can handle 8 more months of this. I know I’m whiny, but all of this is just pure torture. It’s starting to feel like a nightmare I can’t wake up from.
  17. 100 days - Happy 100 Days of being Adderall free. Only 265 days until I feel slightly normal again. @sleepystupid Thank you for reminding us this is normal.
  18. The fact that small tasks are excruciatingly painful terrifies me. I really did a number on my brain as well and I worry that this depression will get even worse. The thought of going through the whole process of finding another therapist is so daunting for me. I find most therapists want you to talk at them. This provides no relief to me. The last therapist I saw made me feel worse about myself after seeing him. I just wish I could find strength somewhere. I thought this would become easier, but I’m aftaid to say things have just gotten worse.
  19. Day 99 - I’m definitely at an all-time low this week. I cannot pull myself out of bed because depression has got the best of me. I have bills up to my eyeballs, and I’m starting to drown financially because I feel too crippled to work. This drug has done such a number on me. I feel like I will never recover...
  20. DC, I agree about getting more comfort here when it comes to Adderall. I’ve never been to an N/A meeting for the exact reasons you stated. I don’t think I would fit in because Adderall is very specific. As far as the WellButrin goes, I’ve actually been wondering if I did the wrong thing coming off of it. I know it’s not an addictive drug, but I just have this desire to rid my body of anything foreign. Why didn’t you like Cyprexa? Good job on the gym. It’s been a few days for me. We are lucky to have a supportive family and this forum. Writing about this today really helped me. I appreciate you reaching out....
  21. Thank you for the post, Drew. I am definitely a fan of going to AA and desperately need to start going again. Some meetings are terrible, some so-so, and others have been life-changing. I am not a 12 stepper either, but I usually pick up something valuable from the meetings. I have just been so focused on kicking the Adderall, that I’ve neglected any and all attention on my alcohol recovery.
  22. DC, All I can tell you is I am right there with you. I haven’t been able to lift myself out of bed these past two days. My depression is also a 10/10. I am also letting my life fall apart it seems. I don’t know how many people here are dual addicts, but I am also an alcoholic. I had 3 years of sobriety under my belt before relapsing last month. On Monday night I got completely shattered and I’m at a loss. I had several online conversations with friends that I cannot even bring myself to look back at. I’m having a very, very tough week. All I can say is that I am in the same boat of hopelessness. I’m scared that I will always be replacing one addiction for the next.
  23. Day 96 - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Monday mornings seem to be the toughest time for cravings. I used to love waking up early, popping some Addies and cleaning my entire workspace. My current workspace is a complete sh*tshow right now. I cannot walk into my office without cringing. The only thing I do in my office right now is play the piano for a few minutes here and there. It’s music in a terrible, messy atmosphere. I loved cleaning on Adderall. Cleaning without Adderall, imo, is the most excruciatingly painful activity there is. My pneumonia seems to be dwindling away...so yay for that.
  24. Clavicula, I completely feel your pain. Some of the timelines that people give out are truly discouraging. It’s been three months for me and I don’t know how much more of this sloth status I can take. You sound like an intelligent individual. The first few days coming off a drug is always the toughest. Once you get past that, you can join me in the slightly unbearable sloth status category.